Judas

Your Wildest Ambitions

Brian's POV

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The first thing I did when I woke up was reach for Justin. It took me over a month to break myself of that habit, but apparently only one night to fall back into it. But just like all those mornings after he left, my hand finds nothing but air. For a moment, I wonder if I imagined last night. Maybe I did get incredibly drunk and dreamt all of it. Then I hear the shower running, and I know he's still here. Last night did happen. The sex, the tears, the comfort, all of it. I start to remember the things we said to each other, and that's when panic sets in.

It would have been so much better if Justin had been with me when I woke up. Then I wouldn't have time to think; I would have to go on instinct. Instead, I'm left waiting for him. With nothing to do but think. What the fuck was I thinking last night? Obviously, I wasn't. I just wanted to erase that look from his eyes. I did that, but at what cost. I shared things with him I promised myself I'd never remember let alone speak of. I did things with him I swore I'd never do with anyone especially Justin. Now what?

I am so fucked. I don't know what it is about Justin that makes me break all my rules. Maybe it's because he didn't know any better. He didn't know I came with demons and hang-ups and a long list of things I don't do. He knew what he wanted and saw no reason I couldn't give it to him. Too often I did or at least tried and came close enough to give him hope. He's going to come out of that bathroom and look at me like our being together is the most natural thing in the world. And I don't know how I'll stop myself from believing him.

It must be more than that; it must be something special about him. I mean look at poor Mikey. He's loved me forever; he's wanted me forever. But I have never broken any of my rules for him. He looks at me with those adoring eyes and nothing. I'm not even tempted. Mikey would make it too easy. He'd take whatever I gave him, put up with all my bullshit, and never miss a beat. I'd go crazy in a week. But Justin's not like that. He expects something from me; he expects me to be something. I think that's what kept me coming back to him. He actually believed I could be more, that I could have more than the pathetic life I created for myself. I never thought I'd be as disappointed as he was every time I failed.

But no more. It all ends today. Last night was special. It's something I can hang on to and know that I did one good thing for him. But now I have to destroy it. I have to crush him. Justin has to leave here knowing there is no hope for us. We will never be. I thought when he was finally strong enough to walk away from me that it would be OK. I should have known it was too easy. When he didn't come back to me after he left the fiddler, I thought I was safe. But then I had to fuck everything up. I had to try and rescue him one more time. I told him everything about that night. Justin must realize how I felt about him. He's going to want to fight for that. I won't do that again. So no matter how much it kills both of us, I have to convince him that any feelings I had for him are gone.

I hear the water turn off and brace myself for a confrontation. Despite what people may think, it's not easy for me to be cruel to Justin. It's a long time before he comes out fully clothed. He walks past the bed without a word or a kiss and starts to put his shoes on. "What are you doing?"

He answers without looking at me, "Leaving."

"What?"

He turns toward me now and looks annoyed at having to repeat himself. "Leaving, Brian. You know walking out the door, going somewhere else. It's a pretty basic concept."

I should be pissed at him for talking to me like a child, but I'm too busy being confused. This isn't like Justin at all. He's acting like nothing happened. I should just let him go, but for some reason, I can't. "Why?"

"It's time," he shrugs. "I should have left last night; I know that. But we fell asleep." For a moment there's something in his eyes, but it's gone before I can figure it out. "Don't worry Brian; I'm not going to start stalking you again."

"So that's it? You're just leaving?" I could kill myself for saying these things to him, but I can't help it. I bared my soul to the kid, and he's just going to walk away. Jesus Christ, what the hell does he want from me? I refuse to acknowledge the absurdity of me being upset with Justin for doing exactly what I want him to do.

He looks at me for a few minutes, and I swear he's reading my mind. I always hated it when he did that. He walks over, kneels by the bed, and reaches for my hands. There's a glimmer of tears in his eyes when he speaks. "Brian, last night was perfect. I wanted to thank you, but I was afraid you'd be upset. I can't tell you how much it meant to me. Now next year and every year after that, I'll have last night to remember, and my memories can be good ones. I can never thank you enough for that."

He starts to walk away again. I find that I am incapable of letting him walk through the door. "Justin, stop." He turns and looks at me. Unfortunately, I have nothing to say. I don't know why I stopped him. Except once again, our conversation is going all wrong. I'm supposed to be taking hope away from him; not the other way around.

Justin finally breaks the silence, "Brian don't. Please don't ruin this. Last night was what it was. An aberration or a moment out of time. Maybe it was our chance to say goodbye. A chance to let go of all the bitterness. Leave it like that."

"How exactly would we ruin it?" I can't help the hint of sarcasm that slips into my voice. It's always been my best defense.

"By making it more than it was. By pretending we have a chance when we don't."

When the fuck did he become so cynical? "How do you know we don't?" I see the look on his face, and I know he thinks I'm playing a game. But the only mind I'm fucking with is mine.

He sighs sadly, "Brian, I had my one chance with you, and I blew it. I know that. OK? I know there's no going back, there's no trying again, there's no second chances. It's a miracle I got what I did from you; I knew what it meant when I walked away. What do you want me to say? I fucked up. I couldn't be enough for you, and no matter how much I loved you, I couldn't live with what you were willing to give me."

Well, he got half of it right. He deserves so much more than I can give him; I'm glad he finally realizes it. I should let it go at that, but still I don't. "What do you want?"

"I want someone who can love me freely. Someone who doesn't see their feelings for me as a burden, who doesn't see me as a burden. I'm not as naive as I was before. I know it's not about saying the right words or making grand gestures. It has to be about feelings. Feeling like you belong to each other, like you are in it together. I want someone who can see me as a partner, who can look at me and be glad I'm in their life. I want to be happy."

I want to tell him that he's wrong. He wasn't a burden to me. I did think of him as my partner even if I didn't treat him that way. It's on the tip of my tongue to tell him I can try. But I don't because we both know better. And it would be crueler to pretend then to admit defeat now. "I can't be that someone."

"I know Brian. It's not who you are." He smiles, but it's hollow.

For some reason, that pisses me off. What does he know about me? He doesn't know what I want, what I'm capable of. He thinks he understands me, but he's clueless. He thinks I don't believe in love, that I don't want to share my life with someone. The more I think about it the angrier I get. Maybe it's time Justin understood exactly what happened between us. Maybe he needs to know why I didn't ask him to stay.

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