Judas

Lose Your Inhibitions

Justin's POV

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"Tell me about your nightmares."

Nothing Brian could have said would have shocked me more. We never talked about my nightmares. Ever. That was one of the rules of living with Brian Kinney. But now he's asking. I don't know what to make of it. My first instinct is to play stupid, to tell him I don't know what he's talking about. There's no reason to drag both of us into the hell my nights have become. But the slightly drunk and reckless part of me says fuck it. I'm tired of protecting Brian, of protecting everyone. I'm tired of pretending everything is fine when it so clearly isn't. Mostly, I'm tired of pretending I can handle something I am completely unequipped to deal with alone. So if Brian wants to know about my nightmares, I'll tell him.

I look away from Brian because I know I'll never get through this if I can see him. Just thinking about the nightmares kills whatever buzz I had going. I try to keep my voice steady when I speak. "It's like what I remember only different. I hear you call me, but your voice sounds funny, far away. When I turn around, I can't see you. You're not there, and I'm looking for you. That's when Chris hits me. Then I can't see anything; I just hurt. I can't move; I can't see. I'm waiting for you to come to me, but you never do. You're not there. I want to call you, but I can't."

I make the mistake of looking at Brian when I finish. I wish more than anything I could take the words back. He's never looked so hurt. He starts to say something but doesn't. I don't know what to say. I've gone too far. Crossed lines that never should have been crossed. We just sit there and stare at each other.

Then he puts his arms around me and presses me against his chest. He holds me so tightly I can barely breathe. He starts to quietly whisper my name over and over again. I wrap my arms around him no longer sure who is comforting who. We stay that way for a long time.

Finally, he pushes me slightly away. He starts running his hands through my hair, over my face. "I didn't leave you. I didn't leave you there alone," he says softly. Brian's eyes are so full of pain it hurts to look at him. I couldn't speak if I wanted to. Instead, I lean up and kiss him.

Brain takes the kiss over, pushing his tongue deep inside my mouth. His hands leave my face and begin to stroke my back. I slip my hands under his shirt. As much as I want to enjoy the feel of his skin, I'm too busy trying to figure out how to get his shirt off of him. Brian gasps when my fingers brush against his nipples. I take advantage of the brief separation of our mouths to run kisses along his jaw and suck his earlobe into my mouth. Before long we're both shirtless. I close my eyes when he pulls on my nipple ring. His hands reach for my zipper; then he stops.

Brian looks at me intently, "Justin, how drunk are you?"

"Not drunk enough. Unless I'm imagining all this, then I'm in way worse shape than I thought." When he smiles and laughs, I think my heart is going to explode. He pulls me toward the bedroom, and we shed our remaining clothing on the way.

I lay on my back in his bed. Brian is on his side next to me. He's staring at me and lightly running his hand up and down my chest. It's just enough contact to make me shiver, but not enough to satisfy anything. I want more; I need so much more. But I can't do more than stare back at him. He's mesmerizing in the blue light. So fucking beautiful, I can't turn away. He kisses me and my paralysis is broken.

We make love for hours. It's slow and beautiful and perfect. It is a passion that keeps building until it takes you higher than you ever thought possible. But you are never out of control because someone is there to ground you. Brian touches me everywhere. He strokes, caresses, and massages. I mimic the movements of his hands with my mouth and tongue. I can't get enough of the taste of Brian. I don't know how I lived so long without it. Our exploration is gentle, intimate, and thorough. The curve of an ear, the line of a shoulder, the tip of a cock, the back of a knee. Nothing is left untouched.

Finally, Brian reaches for the lube. He carefully slips one finger inside me, then two. I push against him wanting so much more. He brushes the hair back from my face, smiles, and whispers, "Wait, let me touch you." I try to relax and just enjoy the sensations his fingers are creating. When I think I can't take any more, he pulls away, and I watch him put a condom on.

He enters me slowly, and once he is all the way in, he looks into my eyes. "Justin, if you ever need me, I will be there." Then he kisses me, and all thought stops. Each thrust brings me closer to him until I can't tell where I stop and he begins. We kiss over and over again. His mouth on mine feels like home. He begins to play with my nipples and I lose all control. I scream his name as my climax hits.

I feel him push even deeper inside me, and I force myself to open my eyes. I want to watch him. I love seeing Brian have an orgasm. One unguarded moment of pleasure. He is so incredibly beautiful. Before long I am rewarded with my favorite sight.

After we clean up, Brian pulls me to him. My back rests against his chest; his arms wrap around me. "I didn't leave you, Justin. I couldn't have done that."

"I know Brian." I reach for his hand trying to offer some comfort.

He continues as if he didn't hear me, "When I got to you, there was already so much blood. I called your name, but you didn't answer. I wanted to hold you, but I knew I couldn't move you. I held your hand. I laid down next to you and talked to you until the ambulance got there. They wouldn't let me touch you, but I didn't leave. I went with you do the hospital, and I kept talking to you. I wanted you to hear me. I stayed with you until the doctors took you away."

I can't imagine what it cost Brian to say these things to me. I hate more that I hurt him so much. I hate that I opened my mouth tonight. But I can't be sorry that I'm finally hearing what happened that night. I'm finally finding out how much he cared. I'll cherish these words even if it makes what I lost so much worse. "I'm sorry, Brian. I never should have said anything to you. I know you didn't leave me. The dream, it's not about that. I think it's about what I lost of that night. The memories, the feelings, our night together. Daphne tries to explain it to me, but I'll never understand. It's all gone."

Brian lays his head against mine. His chin rests on my shoulder. When he speaks, I can feel his breath on my ear. It's a soft and comforting feeling. "When I walked into that room and saw all those kids, I was so tempted to turn around and walk back out. Then I saw you. You looked so amazing, and there was no way I could leave without seeing you, without touching you. I will never forget the look on your face when you saw me coming toward you. It was magic. No one has ever looked at me like that."

Brian tells me about every moment of that night, every step, every word, every kiss. For the first time, I feel like I was there. I feel like it really did happen. While he talks, one of Brian's hands tightly clutches mine, the other gently strokes the scar on my temple. He pauses when he reaches the end of the night. I wonder if he'll stop there, but he continues. "You smiled at me one more time before you headed back to Daphne. It was such a beautiful smile; I swear you were glowing. We had so much to look forward to that night. I got in the jeep to leave, but I couldn't take my eyes off of you. I watched you in the mirror. I watched you walked away, and then," he stops again and his thumb stills against my scar. "And then, they lived happily ever after."

I think my heart stops for a minute when he says that. I want so badly to believe that. It's what we deserved; what we should have had. I turn so I can look at Brian. There are tears in his eyes, and I kiss them away. I want to thank him, but I don't know how. He's given me what I told him was the best night of my life back. He let me see how beautiful it was, how happy we were. Even if I never get my memory back, Brian gave me his. No one can take that away from me. I want to tell him how much that means to me, but I can't find the words. For once, I am speechless. I pull him to me and show him instead.

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