Judas

Difficult Decisions

Justin's POV

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I woke up the morning after the Rage party and had no idea where I was. I knew I wasn't in the loft, but I was afraid to open my eyes and face whatever was out there. The events of the previous evening started to come back to me, and my eyes flew open all on their own. Probably from shock. It took me a minute, but I realized I was on Ethan's couch. I could tell from the sound of his breathing that he was still asleep in his bed. Thank God. I wasn't ready to face him yet. He hadn't understood why I insisted on sleeping on the couch. Hell, I'm not sure I understand it. I mean I had no problem fucking him while Brian and I were together, but last night I just couldn't. I was saved from following that train of thought when my cell phone rang.

"Hello."

"Sunshine, I'm on my way to Brian's to get your stuff. Be home in time for dinner."

"Debbie?"

"Who else would it be? Listen, you're coming home and that's that. No arguments."

"Why?" I couldn't help asking.

"Honey, you fucked up. Probably more than you know. But you didn't do it alone. Besides, you're family, and family sticks together."

"Thanks."

"Don't thank me yet. Old rules still apply. See you tonight."

I stared at the phone after she hung up, grateful one problem was solved. I had somewhere to live. I knew I couldn't stay with Ethan. I was no where near ready for that. And my mom's was out of the question. I know my mother loves me, but its pretty clear she has no idea what to do with me. She's already handed me over to Brian twice and Debbie once. No point in going down that road again.

"Who was that?" I heard a sleepy voice ask.

Fuck! Ethan was up. I slowly made my way across the room. "Debbie."

"Debbie?"

"Yeah, Michael's mother. The one I work with at the diner," I tried to explain. Ethan never figured out the relationships in my makeshift family. He wasn't really interested in the life I had away from him.

"What did she want?"

"To tell me what time to be home for dinner," I answered smiling.

"Home?" I could hear an edge of anger or something creeping into his voice.

"I lived there before. Remember, I told you about that. She wants me to come back. She's getting my stuff from the loft for me." I threw that last part in hoping he'd be happy I wasn't planning on seeing Brian.

"But I thought you'd be living here now. We could finally watch the sunrise together."

"Ethan," I sighed. "It's too soon. I'm not ready for that and neither are you."

"But,"

I put my fingers on his lips to silence him. Years of trying to appease everyone kicked in, "I want to take things slowly. I want to do this right."

He nodded, "I understand. But do you have to go back there? Can't you live with your mother or something?"

"Debbie is a mother to me. Besides, my mom still treats me like I'm ten. I could never go back there. This is the best place. Trust me." I knew what he was thinking. Debbie was still a connection to Brian. But neither of us was willing to actually mention his name. We preferred to dance around it for now.

"I'm going to take a shower. Want to join me?"

"Not know. I need to call my mom and Daphne, let them know what is going on. But I have the rest of the day free. Do you want to go to a movie or something?"

"Sure."

He smiled and headed off to the bathroom apparently satisfied that I wanted to spend the day with him. God, I hoped it would always be that easy to make him happy. Maybe for once in my life something will be simple. I knew better than to count on that.

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I've been staring at the same stupid motorcycle for at least twenty minutes. Deb and Vic have been asleep for hours. I just can't seem to let go, to stop thinking. I've counted these damn motorcycles in French, Spanish, and German. I've tried breathing techniques. But nothing works. Maybe I'm just not used to going to sleep without sex. I'm sure Ethan would have been happy to oblige.

But other than a quickie is his apartment before we went out, I put him off all day. I don't know what's wrong with me. We had a good day together, a nice day. I should be happy, excited, something. But I'm not.

Before, I was enthralled by Ethan, almost hypnotized. I wanted to fall into him. Let his passion and devotion surround me. I wanted to disappear into what he was offering me. But today, I felt distant from him. It was like he couldn't touch me. Nothing could. I don't feel anything. I'm just numb. The one thought that keeps running through my head is what now. I mean the only constant in my life in the last two years has been Brian. Not my family, not school, not even my art, just Brian.  From the first moment I saw him, it was all about him. I was either with Brian or trying to be with Brian. That's been my life. And now it's over. Not over like when he threw me out after the robbery, or when my mother told him not to see me again, or even when I left because I thought he kept me around out of guilt. This time it's really over. I walked away from Brian, and there is no going back. I'm not stupid. I knew if I left that party, it was forever. So there'll be no chasing him this time, no showing up at Babylon when I know he'll be there, no pumping Michael for information, no hoping he'll come after me.

Despite what anyone might think, I did not leave Brian for Ethan. If it were just about the two of them, I think it's pretty obvious where I would be right now. Ethan happened to be there when things finally fell apart. At most he was a catalyst. I suppose I owe it to him to try and make this thing between us work. But truthfully, if I thought for a minute Brian and I had a real chance, Ethan would have left the party alone. But we don't.

I can't believe I finally admitted that. Brian would be proud. It just took me a while to catch on. Not that he cares. And tomorrow it starts. First I'll have to face all the sympathy and the "I told you so"s. Mom went fairly easy on me today, but that won't last. Mostly she was disappointed I wasn't coming to live with her. Oh well. I guess I'd better get used to disappointing people; I seem to be pretty good at it. I think the easiest way to shut everyone up will be to admit they were right, and I was wrong. What else is there to say? The reasons don't matter; there is no point in cataloguing all our failings. I left; it's over. End of story. Besides, it doesn't matter what they think. What I really have to face is life without Brian. That sounds so strange. Life without Brian. I should be devastated. But I'm not. Maybe I'm in shock. Maybe I'm just not ready to face it. Life without Brian. I just don't feel a damn thing. Un, deux, trois. .

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