BRIAN

Went back to the loft after the party. Alone. So it finally happened…or did it? Went to bed, passed out in my regular fashion but it was a restless sleep…if I were going to admit something painful to myself it would be that I half expected him to show back up…like he did last time. But he didn't and I knew it was over when I saw him that morning in the diner…the half look, the guilty look. He had made his choice and this time it wasn't me.

I half expected him to come after me after I left the diner...he didn't. I guess up until I got back from work and walked into the loft and heard only the echo of my foot steps…I thought maybe…. But all I heard was the empty sound of my life, and I saw the empty drawer, and bare coat hangers. He was gone. He made his choice. It's better this way, he is better, strong, strong enough to make up his own mind, where he wants to be, who he wants to be with. I just thought it was always going to be me.

BRIAN

Sonny Boy and Mom and Dad…walking in the park…So I hear what Lindsay is saying about caring about Justin, seeing it coming…that he would leave because I was not all about wine and roses…I told her, I told her I didn't love him and even if I did….she didn't really hear me….nobody really ever does. Justin didn't. The fiddler was going to be whatever Justin wanted him to be…and it wasn't me. Not any more. And that's ok, that's the way it should be. Justin's young, he needs to experience everything, anything, anyone… not some old over grown queer too stubborn to bend his life anymore around like a fucking pretzel for him. It wasn't enough, it's never enough…haven't I told him that a million times. This time he chose to listen to me…

'It's not too late to get him back'…Lindsay chirps… the ever optimist. I didn't want him to leave but he had to, had to get away. It's better this way, he's better, not broken. He's strong. He knows what he wants…it just wasn't me. It could never be me in the long run, isn't it better now…for him?

JUSTIN

Finally, the fucking bathroom opens up after I stand out side waiting impatiently for some woman to do whatever women need to do for the longest fifteen minutes of my life. She comes out of the bathroom, some muncher, smiling and brushes past me and I go in to the bathroom. I feel relieved, more then just taking a piss after holding it in for an hour as the munchers et all poke and prod at me and Ethan. I am relieved that Brian isn't here and there is some sort of return to normalcy…some sort. I am relieved that I am in the bathroom alone for just one moment of peace. Ethan has been on me the entire party like white on rice…I don't blame him. It's kind of sweet in its own clingy way. It's pretty brave to think he would even come to the party with all of 'his ' friends. Him, he, his…Ethan refers to him as everything but by his name, like his name is some sort of poison in his mouth that he rolls around to only spit out. I wish I could. Brian! Be gone! I could invent a new cologne, "Brian Be Gone!" yeah, that's right. Sure. Be gone Brian, gone from my memories, my ever present thoughts…my bed with Ethan…the dinner, my life…

Like the last time I was in this bathroom….I wasn't alone, Brian and I were in here together. The girls were down stairs, some sort of Sunday brunch or something and we slipped away for a little brunch make out session. And Brian and I were happy, really fucking happy. Silly, giggling happy, three mimosa happy. Tongue sucking, hot kisses happy, dry humping like high schooler's happy. Time was limited but what the fuck, I stood there with my pants around my ankles, Brian slowly jerking me off, fucking my face with his soft hot tongue…then Brian slipped his middle finger in my mouth and I went down on like it was his cock. My eyes locked on his hazel eyes…heavily, lidded with lust, lust for me. Does he hear me moan, moan his name, only him…only Brian. 'Brian…Briiiian' I gasped over and over … Then all wet and slippery he pressed his sticky finger in my ass and slowly fingered and jerked me off.

I unzipped and started my business before I got to hard to do it. As I was reliving my little trip down memory lane I heard the door open up and turned to face a startled Brian. "Briann, fuck…" He wasn't listening to me, didn't wait…he never listens…he whips out his dick and starts to piss…"what, it's not like I haven't seen it before" yeah, right Brian whatever the fuck. He never listens…I shake it dry and zip up. I have to get out of there, I can't see straight, I can't think…I smell him …his Brianess…smoke, whiskey, leather, Woody's…him. I am stunned at the sensation. I have to get out of here.

"By the way, I hope you get what you want…" he tosses over his shoulder at me. He looks uncomfortable, pained even. I hope my face didn't betray my heart…I willed myself to smirk, to not care in some sort of Kinnesque fashion…but fuck him! FUCK HIM. Get what I want?…what I WANT! I turn and leave him to his business. I turn and run.. My face is burning, my mind is burning, I see red where there was sun light just a moment ago. Fucking bastard, if I got what I wanted it would be him, it is always him…it will always be him…

Ethan is waiting at the bottom of the steps…"Hey lover," he greets me. I swear to god it just hit me then. That moment looking down at Ethan one step above him on the girls stair case…"I hope you get what you want." He did it again, like with Mikey and his 30th birthday party…he pushed him a way to give him what he thought Mikey wanted…a life not dependent on him. That some how it would be better for him, to have Mikey go off with Dr. Dave and leave him behind because he really wasn't what was good for Mikey in the long run. The fucker did the same for me. I am going to kill him, that fucking ass hole! Why wasn't I paying attention, why wasn't I listening to him?! He did this on fucking purpose because he wants me to get what I want. And he thinks it's not him…he thinks it's Ethan, with his roses and violin music…that he isn't right for me, good enough for me….My thoughts are interrupted by Ethan standing on his tip toes to kiss me. I smile down at him and drag him off outside, I have to get away …have to get air. Get my thoughts together…on the way back outside we grab another glass of wine, I start to drink it like punch but Ethan is oblivious to it all, to me and what must be clear on my face but he doesn't see it…he doesn't know me like Brian…like Brian…who comes back out into the crowd, oblivious to the fact that he just set off a nuclear bomb in my head and heart…

Justin

And so I know, I know…its taken about what, about three seconds for me to go back on all my resolve to leave Brian 'the heartless bastard' Kinney, to get together with Ethan 'Prince Charming' Gold. Ethan. Sigh. Ethan is standing here in the garden next to me, oblivious to the fact that its over, that by the time this party is over, or by the time I get my balls back, I am gonna break up with him and leave him for …"him." Brian. Brian emerges from the girls house and I catch his eye immediately…he sees me, looks away but then starts walking towards me but Mikey intercepts him.

Brian

Yeah, ok. I can be cool about this. Yeah. Right. Go over and say hello boys, heard any good classical music hits lately? Or some other fucking kick ass remark. But he is here and I can't help myself...I gotta go pick at the scab so to speak, gotta go be near him. My resolve can only go so far. The plan, or whatever the fuck you want to call it didn't include not speaking with him, at least civilly. This was gonna be just a little break, let him spread his wings a bit, see what it was like out in the big world…not feel like he owes me anything...God, what the fuck does he see in this guy? Look at that pussy hair on his chin. Christ, kids these days…

Mikey grabs at my arm…rescued once again! Not in the mood for this…I try to shake him off, shut him up, shoot him an icy stare, but no, he keeps up at it with his now familiar mantra of 'I hate Justin'. I want to scream! 'Its not that way at all, don't worry Mikey just fuck off for fuck sake, I have this under control!' But I don't and then he says it…says I should have left Justin on the cold ground…or something like that but I don't hear what he says but I feel it. Feel the fear, the pain and the blood and the next thing I know Ben is being held back from trying to hit me back…after I hit Mikey.

I hit Mikey!? I don't remember it, swear to god but it must have happened because I am standing over him. He is on the ground Deb is screaming, Mel is screaming and every drink that day I shot back was trying to make its way back up out of me against my will. I just hit my best friend, punched him in the face, laid him out on the ground. I can't believe I hit him and I turn and stagger away. I can't think straight but I have to get out of here. I start to walk, and then half jogg away towards where I parked the Jeep. The Jeep? Where the fuck did I park the Jeep? I look down at my fingers, they are red, burning and swollen. I just hit my best friend and I know, I know, there was a reason, he was fucked in what he said but I hit him…hit him…settled it like my old man would. I was half way down the block towards the Jeep when I leaned over and retched up all over the curb. I felt a hand at my back and I shook it off…'don't touch me' I gasped, turned and thought it would be Mikey.

Justin

Ethan stood in shock at what just transpired and then looked at me. What's that saying, an expression can say a thousand words. I can only imagine what my face looked like. "What! Your kidding me, you're going after HIM aren't you?" he asked incredulously. Yup, I am I think. I could be a big man about this, calm my new boyfriend down, tell him I will be right back I just need to check on my ex, you know…nothing to worry about…but I don't. I don't want to be called a liar and a cheat all over again this week. I have had enough of this. Brian needed me and I was going after him and that was that. I think Ethan was screaming after me something like…'if you go, don't bother coming back…' or something stupid like that as I speed after Brian.

"Sunshine! Don't you dare!" Deb yelled from where she was tending after her son. "Brian has obviously lost his mind! Don't go near him! He's out of control!" she warns. I can hear Mikey squeek "MA!" If I cared to figure out whether or not he was mad at his mother from giving a shit about me or if ..whatever the fuck. Who cares…I catch up with Brian down the street, he is leaning over and puking in to the street.

I reach out to pat his back and leans away from my touch and moans, 'don't touch me'. "Brian? Brian, are you ok? " I ask gently and then he looks up at me and I swear he looks like he is broken, this look of complete devastation…his eyes are blood shot red...I know he is trying not to cry. "Brian." I say his name softly. And he can't look at me. Brian can't look me in the eye. A yellow cab stops and rolls down its window…"you call a cab?" the driver asks.

"Yeah, " I reply without thinking. I open the door and pull Brian in with me. The ride back to the loft is short and silent. Someone at the party is gonna be angry I snaked their cab away from them so I suggested to the driver that he might want to cruise back there for another ride. Brian got out of the cab and walked into his building, not waiting for me to pay the driver. I quickly caught up with him at the elevator and we went up to the loft.

I was worried that once we got into the loft he would start drinking or screaming at me or something. I almost wished he did, at least that would be familiar territory…Brian please don't self destruct, lets not talk, don't drink...blah, blah, blah you know the script...but not this time. He didn't say a word. It was spooky. He opened the big metal door and walked straight to the bathroom and I heard him piss and wash up. He came out of the bathroom and went over and sat on the edge of the bed staring at the floor in front of him. Slowly I approached him with a bag of ice I put together when he was in the bathroom.

Brian

The ice felt good, took some of the physical sting away…I just wish the rest of it all was that easy to calm. Justin was sitting down next to me, silent…thank God for small favors.

"Bri?" he whispers…that didn't last long.

Justin

I tried not to groan at his groan after I said his name. Yes, I know, I know I know, you need to be 'silent and brooding Brian' now…whatever. "Bri?…do you want to lie down?" I whisper. Brian slung his legs back over and laid stomach down on top of the duvet. He dropped the ice bag on the floor and shut his eyes. I slowly pulled off his boots and then slipped off my shoes and slid over to my side of the bed. What was my side of the bed…my side of the bed. Brian's eyes were shut, tight, sticky and gummy with unhappiness. I held my breath, worried any noise would disturb him but my stupid allergies betrayed me…I don't know what was worse the cut flowers in Mel and Lindsay's house or the garden in full spring bloom…I sneezed like a gun firing a shot, loud and echoing through the quiet loft. Brian's eyes flew open, startled. He reached out with one arm and drew me to him, smashing me up against his chest. Oh the joy! Oh the fantastic feel of being smashed up against his hard chest with his arms tightly around me! Lord take me now, this is heaven. Damm those allergies! I began to try not to sound like I was sniffling, my chest heaving with sobs but fuck! Look where I am...who I am with…I don't want to be any place else but here.

"Bri?"

"Yeah?"

"Bri, did you mean it when you said you hoped I got what I wanted?"

"Yeah."

"Brian?" Pause.

"Yeah?"

"You know, this is …this is what I want…don't you?"

"Yeah."

"This is what you want too…..isn't it?"

Pause, dramatic sigh…and he thinks I'm the drama queen. "Yeah."

"I love you Brian."

"I know."

"You love me too, don't you?"

He sighed and slackened off from squeezing the life out of my ribs….."Yeah." It was a simple yeah, an agreement….a whisper of acknowledgement …of our future together.

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