Return of the Claw
Special Thanks to Susan for continuity, finessing and musings: Lois the
Beta that Rocks …muah!
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Justin
Well. I knew he would come up and say something to me sometime, but why
did it have to be now? Mikey is the biggest asshole that ever lived! I bet
Brian put him up to it. He wouldn't have had the balls without Brian goading
him into it. But I don't care. Really. I don't.
My shift at the diner was pretty long and there were a ton of customers,
so I didn't have a lot of time to dwell on the drama that is my life - which
was good. I spent a good hour up decorating the new chalk board at the diner
listing all the days' specials. Benny, one of the short order cooks came
out and told me, "Move your ass, Picasso…the specials board isn't the
Sistine chapel. Move it along!" And so I did. My wrist was a little
tired and my fingers a bit crampy. I had been assigned to scrub out the booths
before the morning rush hit, and the claw was feeling a little tired. I pushed
the feeling away. Sometimes if I ignore it, it just goes away on its
own. The alternative is to sit and stare at the hand, worrying if it's getting
worse instead of better, and I wasn't in the mood for that kind
of self-pity today. The fact that I had no idea where I was going to
come up with the money for school was pretty much filling all my anxiety
needs for the day. The hand would have to take second chair to the
money issue.
Once a few months ago `the claw', as Brian named it, was acting up in
the morning while I was busy working on one of my past favorite
subjects…naked Brian in the shower… And my hand just kept freezing
up when it should have been moving ..if you know what I mean. Brian
just rubbed it a bit and then told me to ignore it. Classic Kinney style.
After we got dressed, he told me to meet him at his office at 1:30, that
he wanted to show me something.
Brian was waiting for me in front of Vangard's building smoking a cigarette.
A quick peck on the cheek and we were off down the street on some sort of
adventure. We stopped two blocks away at some super hip hair salon. "After
you, Sunshine," he grinned noticing my confusion. I started to get
irritated. What was up with all this cloak and dagger stuff? If he
thought I needed a hair cut, why not go to Saul's on Liberty Ave? Well, I
quickly learned I wasn't there for a hair cut. Brian paid the receptionist
and went back to work without as much as a buh bye, and left me with a very
strong looking blond woman named Lena who took me into a back room and told
me to get undressed.
I was vaguely afraid of this woman but I did what she said because it was obvious I was about to get a massage. I would say a nice massage, but the woman turned out to have the strength of twelve men and after an hour I was whimpering in pain…but in a good way sorta. The only part of my body she had any mercy on was my right hand. She spent a good fifteen minutes just kind of smoothing the muscles out, rubbing between each joint. It was fantastic. After the massage was over she told me to get dressed in a big white terry cloth robe and paper slippers. I went shuffling out into the salon. Lena directed me to a small brunette woman who was sitting in front of a manicure station. Since I was too relaxed to even contemplate leaving the salon before a manicure, I shuffled over and sat down in this chair that began to vibrate. Ok, a guy could get used to this kind of treatment. Mia, the manicurist, washed my feet in a little baby bath tub that was attached to the vibrating chair. She slathered my feet and hands with some fabulous cream and then directed me to the corner where there were these tub things that looked like deep fryers. "Trust me, you are gonna love this!" Mia squealed.
I wasn't so sure, it wasn't fat, it was wax. She took my left hand and dipped it in. At first it hurt but then it felt FANTASTIC. Mia dipped both my hands and feet into what she explained was a paraffin bath. It was the most fabulous feeling, kind of hot and burning at once but then warm and relaxing. Afterward my hands and feet felt as soft as a baby's ass.
Brian picked me up afterwards and we went back to the loft. He practically
had to carry me from the car to the bed, I was so relaxed. He helped me undress,
undressed himself and tucked us in for a nap before going out. As I was drifting
off, he took hold of my hand and kissed my fingers… 'So how does
the claw feel now?'
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After my shift I met up with Daph for coffee. As fate would have it,
or Ethan was actually paying attention to me for once when I told him I would
be at this café at 11, Ethan he was serenading us from the street
corner. Brian wouldn't have been here, just to see me, to
kiss me, and smile. Ethan was.
As usual, the "I heart Brian Kinney Fan Club" was in session, Daph apparently
being the sole member now. I tried to ignore her. Her heart is in the
right place but I am with Ethan now, not Brian. I was working on a pencil
and charcoal drawing of Ethan playing, but the claw wasn't cooperating. Daph
looked concerned and I told her not to worry – it happens from time
to time. Luckily Ethan stopped playing and came to sit with us so I could
change the topic.
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I know one day my lover is going to wake up in the middle of the night,
poke me hard with his index finger and accuse me of setting up these entire
few weeks of hell just to get what I want. I wish I could tell him
otherwise, but if I were going to be perfectly honest in the back of my
mind… this time wasn't permanent. Or I would like to think it
wasn't. I am overwhelmingly grateful that it's what it turned out to
be.
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Justin
I went over to speak to Brian after finding out that he had paid my
tuition. I could have sent a card, made a call, sent an email, shot
a flare in the air - anything other than going over to the loft. But
it was a huge gesture on his part, paying the tuition. I never
thought that he would take the money back after I confronted him, but
I wanted to make sure he knew - knew that he shouldn't do that. Shouldn't
keep taking care of me. We weren't together anymore, I was with
Ethan. I didn't mention to Ethan where I was going, this was
between Brian and me. Besides, any mention of HIM to Ethan would
start yet another round of bickering and recriminations.
When I got to his building I slipped in behind Mrs. Pemberton, the woman
who was lucky or unlucky enough to live below Brian's loft. I always
had the feeling that she knew just about as much about Brian's and my sex
life as we did. She would always have this mischievous grin on her
face when I would bump into her on the stairs or in the elevator. Today
she just looked a little wistful and sad when I came in behind her. She probably
wasn't happy about the new stream of tricks making their way in and out of
the building at all hours again…
I could hear the TV on when I slid open the loft door. That was
stupid… leaving the front door open for anyone to come in…
Of course, he could be waiting for a trick. Or me. It's as if
he knew it was me before I opened the door. He made some smart ass
remark about no one else being there… I made some equally smart ass
remark about how there should have been… because he was such a slut.
Ouch, I'm sure that hurt… The guy slams down $10 k for me and I make
some stupid remark. Nice.
I tried to get him to take the money back… He aptly asks if anyone
else is paying for school. They aren't. He is. I am
dizzy. Just being near him makes me swoon like a teenager waiting for
the Beatles to disembark from a plane. Bastard. He is sitting
there with his long and lanky legs slung out on top of a glass coffee table,
his obscenely beautiful feet naked for anyone to gawk at. "New coffee
table?" I manage to ask.
"It's a …blah, blah, blah." As if I knew who the hell he was talking
about.
"Must have been expensive," I say. I can't help but wonder what
my ass would look like pressed naked against it with Brian pushing into me
from above. Could it hold our weight together?
"Blah, blah, blah…" Brian continues… I am dizzy. This
needs to end. I need to be away from him. From the hold that
he has on me. I turn to leave. He says… "Aren't you forgetting
something?"
My God, I am so rude! "Thank you."
"Blah, blah, blah…" he says, pointing at the computer… My
computer. He wants me to take it. Take the computer. I bend over
and try to pick up the box but my fucking claw, it betrayed me. The
box sorta slipped as I tried to pick it up. I was grasping at it, but
no grasping was happening because the claw was frozen. At that moment
my entire life flashed before my eyes as I grappled with the box - the 7,500
dollar computer with its 2,000 dollars of programs on it so that I could
draw again. I shoved it in his face when he brought it home, I mocked
him. That fucking computer saved me, saved my soul, my art, my life!
He had to talk me into saving myself. He had to talk me into going
back to school… And even going to PIFA in the first place. Be
true to myself, he told me… But that's not all he was telling me.
He was telling me how he felt about me every time he helped me. Every
time he saved me. Every time he touched me… I feel him come
up from behind and grab around me to steady the box. I let him.
I let him take the box from me. I let him help me again…
And then I slip down to the floor into a fetal position and began to wail.
Brian
What the fuck? I am standing above him and he is at my feet weeping. For the first time in weeks I felt alive as my heart shattered into a thousand pieces hearing the sounds coming from him. I put the box down and step beside him. I don't know what the fuck is going on; I just want it to stop. I crouch down, but I am afraid to touch him. He is so small, so fragile, so precious to me. I don't want to break him. I want him. I want him to stop. "Justin?" my voice cracks as I try to get his attention. He looks up at me, his eyes red and swollen, tears streaming down his face. "Justin." He looks away, guilty and shamefaced. "Justin please…please! Please! Whatever it is, it's ok… Please!"
Justin
I can't breathe. I can't do anything but cry, cry and cry.
For weeks this feeling has been building up - the pressure, the heat, the
hurt…and I just blew. He wants me to stop crying. I couldn't
if I tried. I just can't look him in his face. I hurt him, I
hurt
myself… I betrayed him, betrayed his love. It isn't
about the tuition, the computer, all the things that he bought for
me… It's about the claw… The massages, the help, the patience,
the throwing of the balls. But I didn't see it. I didn't feel
it for what it was. It was love. It's not the flowery words.
No. No words for him… He is an ad man. Words are false,
fake, they sell things… Actions speak louder then words… But I
wasn't listening. And now I can't stop hearing it… Hearing what
I lost, what I threw away for… for what? I'm still crying and
I can't say anything to him. But I pull at his pants and try to lift
myself up or pull him down, just so I can grab on to him. And he lets
me. He scrunches down next to me and I throw myself into his arms.
If he wants me to leave he is going to have to break my arms off. Because
I am not going to let go.
Brian
And the last few weeks' resolve, whatever was left of it, went out the
window as Justin pulled me down to the floor where I belonged. With him.
Shit. I am so fucked.
"Briiiiiiiiaaaaaaaaan?" Justin hiccupped. "I'm sorry. I am so
sorry."
"It's ok." Yeah, for now. Once you realize that I did this on purpose,
pushed you into `Ian's' arms just so you would know what it was like to be
with someone else… To see if you really wanted it to be just me…you
are gonna kill me. "It's ok, Justin."
"You said…you said…'I hope you get what you
want'"
"Yeah I did, Sonny Boy."
"This is what I want."
"Ok, ok…" he said, holding me tight. And we sat intertwined
on the floor for what seemed like hours, but was only minutes, and then went
to bed for what seemed like minutes, but was forever.