Back in Baby's Arms
Thanks to Lois - Super Beta, Susan - Story Editor Extrorandaire, and to Leah - who I poached the Cowlip Script lines off her clever recaps of the screeners...xoxox Jane
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Back in Baby’s Arms: As Sung
By Patsy Cline
Written by Bob
Montgomery
Chorus
I'm back in baby's arms
How I missed those lovin' arms
I'm back where I belong
Back in baby's arms
Don't know why we quarreled
We never did before
Since we found out how it hurt
I bet we never quarrel anymore
(Repeat Chorus)
Thought I didn't need his love
'Til he took it away
Now I'm back where I belong
And in my baby's arms I'm gonna stay
(Repeat Chorus)
Back in baby's arms...
Disclaimer: Not for profit, personal entertainment only.
Vanguard Agency
“And
that you would go on loving me even
after I was gone…”
Ouch.
Brian wondered what Justin would feel
if he had known that in one little twinkie hissy
fit, Justin had summed up his past few months
of unhappiness, his Justin-free
miserable life. But then just
as quickly as a summer storm, Justin was done, over, and packing to
leave. To give
up. Give up on them.
Later that night, alone in bed, Brian
looked back on the day’s events and wondered what had possessed him
to grab Justin and shake him like he was trying to shake sense into the
universe. He still couldn’t
figure it out. But it must have
had an equally strong affect on Justin, because suddenly Justin's lips were
on his. Justin kissed
him. Hard and
strong. And in that split second
Brian knew that Justin had come home.
He knew that whatever happened, he would not have to wait much longer
for Justin to be his again.
Justin’s tongue returned to him first, and the taste of him was
sublime. Brian realized then
that this one kiss held more power over him than he would ever have admitted
before to anyone, let alone himself.
But now he knew the truth.
Until that moment, sans a chaste Mikey smooch or a few wet sloppy
Gus kisses, he had kissed no one since Justin
left. He hadn’t wanted
to. And now Justin was
back. It was in the
kiss.
Flashback: The Rage
Party
Brian stood watching his whole life
walk out of the door with someone else.
He squinted his eyes, hoping the cheap little black mask on his face
would obscure his vision. Obscure his view of Justin’s crest fallen
face and that home wrecker’s greasy
form. But nothing would obscure
the truth. He was supremely
fucked. Just like the Rage actor
he had just been with in the back room a few minutes
ago. To say that the party he
had planned for his lover and his best friend was not working out as he expected
was to say that …whatever the fuck, it just wasn’t working
out. He knew that Justin had
gotten an eyeful of his cock up Rage’s ass but Brian was too far gone
on Ragetinis and Anita’s trail mix to register
its effect on anything other then his own
pleasure. But the effect that
sight had on Justin was unmistakable now.
Now that Justin was leaving him
behind. “Why do I do these
things to myself?” Brian chanted in his
head. He was bobbing around on
the dance floor in shock, grabbing at the first thing he could grab onto
so he wouldn’t fall over. It
turned out that the first thing he grabbed was attached to a shirtless man-boy
who couldn’t believe his luck that he was going to be the next to be
fucked by the famous Brian Kinney.
Little did the trick know that Brian had just been supremely fucked
by his own actions.
Justin had come and collected his
belongings while Brian was at work.
Empty closet, empty drawer, empty loft…empty
heart. Walking slowly around
the loft surveying the barren landscape, Brian came across a hand drawn picture
of Rage holding JT. He felt the
stiff paper crumple under his fingers and felt his rage at himself ball up
in his chest like the drawing in his hand. It was too late to fix
it. His lover was gone and all
Brian could do was what came naturally to him. He would will himself to feel
nothing. To be numb. And if that
wouldn’t work, he would help himself to a familiar array of substances
that were not prescribed by a physician or recommended by a reliable
pharmacist. Dull the pain, ignore
it, blot it out. It was a plan
that he carried out at first without much
thinking.
It was only after one of Lindsay’s
therapeutic walks in the park with Gus did Brian realize that she had gotten
him to admit something that until then he had trouble admitting even to
himself. Simply, that he loved
Justin. Ever since college Lindsay
had this way of making him face himself for what he was, not who she expected
him to be. Most of the time Lindsay
would just go along to get along, like the rest of his motley
family. She could sling the
‘Brian jokes’ with the best of them but when it really mattered,
she was there for him, whether he liked it or not.
There they were in the park, sauntering along, pushing his son
in his stroller like some perfect, happy hetero couple with a dazzlingly
fashionable male lead. Lindsay
had grabbed at his smoke and taken a puff before they sat on a bench where
she was set to apparently conduct some sort of Brian torture session. “So
you'd rather be alone than be with the one person who loved you enough to
put up with all your bullshit?” Lindsay
asked.
Brian blinked and responded, “I never loved him. And even
if I did, I'd never ask him to put my needs above his, or to be something
he's not to make me happy. I told him if he's not getting what he wants,
he can go find it someplace else.”
Lindsay looked unconvinced, but she instinctively knew to drop the subject
and let what Brian had just admitted sink in to his
brain. But being the woman he
has known and been frustrated with for years, she left him with one parting
blow. “Well, he certainly
learned his lesson.
Congratulations!”
Brian knew that he would end up at
the party that afternoon.
Woody’s was just a pit stop, a place to load up on booze and
formulate a plan that would let him save face by providing an explanation
for showing up at a party most of his friends knew he would rather turn straight
or eat pussy than attend. The
thought of running into Justin and his little fiddler was too
tempting. Two bears arguing at
the bar offered the best cover he could come up with on short
notice. Shit, if he could make
toothpaste sexy, he could pass off the bears as a good excuse to show up
at the Munchers’ party.
Brian needed to see the happy couple
together, to see them himself just to make sure that Justin was
ok. It was sort of like picking
at a scab - you know you shouldn’t but you can’t help yourself
sometimes. Maybe with time it would be easier, small inoculations of seeing
Justin. A little time at the
garden party, next time a drink at
Woody’s. Just because Justin
had left him didn’t mean that Brian didn’t want to see
him. Over time the scab would
heal and maybe they could be…what?
Friends? Maybe. He had
never felt that way with Justin before.
At first it was as his occasional sex partner, then over time, where
exactly he couldn’t pin point, Justin had become his lover. He and Justin
had never sat around and traded stories about high school or first loves
because they had been too busy creating those memories for Justin….and
for Brian. Maybe that was part
of their problem, Brian thought to himself, playing with matches and watching
bad porn at the bar. Justin was experiencing those firsts in his life that
Brian thought he had already gone through and Brian didn’t have the
patience to live through them again.
‘So you'd rather be alone than
be with the one person who loved you enough to put up with all your
bullshit.’ Lindsay’s voice echoed in his
head. It was complete bullshit
to think that he had gone through all those life experiences before
Justin. Especially the experience
of falling in love. Brian had
had more sex partners than there were names in the Pitt’s phone book,
but before Justin there hadn’t been
love. Brian felt his heart squeeze
in his chest tightly, and pushed down the feeling that he was in the midst
of living. That stupid saying,
‘You don’t know what you have until you’ve lost
it.’ For someone who prided
himself on winning and on knowing himself, Brian felt like a teenager dumped
at the
prom.
The bears began to argue over flat
wear. “Christ, aren’t
there any real fags left?” Brian moaned, putting his plan to go over
to the party into action.
Brian scanned the crowd looking for
blond hair, but instead his eyes lit upon Lindsay and Mel charging at him
like pit bulls. Waving
them off with some smart ass comment, and leaving the two of them discussing
silver wear patterns with the Bears, Brian aimed his drunk self through the
throngs of lesbians to the bathroom to
piss. On auto pilot to relieve
himself, he didn’t notice until he was in the bathroom that the blond
hair he had been looking for was bent down doing his business in the bathroom
commode.
“Christ,
Brian! Can't you wait till I'm
finished?” he blazed.
Brian gave a little snort, and pulled out his
dick. “Watch where you're
aiming. What's the big deal? I've seen it
before.” Inside himself,
Brian watched the train wreck that was his first ‘reunion’ with
Justin after the Rage party. This
just wasn’t going as he expected.
Justin was angry, cold and more than a little in a rush to get away
from him. The earth used to rotate
Justin towards him, even when Brian had tried to push the teenager away at
the beginning of their relationship.
But now the earth’s axis had shifted and Justin was moving
away…just out of his reach.
Justin zipped up his pants and rushed to get
out of the confined space and away from Brian. “Don't forget to wash
your hands.” ‘genius,
Kinney’ Brian thought to
himself. Justin sneered
and began to leave the bathroom.
There was something in Brian’s tone that made him stop briefly
to hear what he said next,
“By the way - I hope you get what you
want.”
Justin fled from the bathroom and from the
emotions that Brian had just stirred up.
Alone in his misery, Brian finished his chore up, washed his hands
and splashed some cold water in his face.
Looking in the mirror back at him was a mournful
stranger. Willing himself out
of the bathroom he needed to prove to himself that he meant what he said
to Justin, that he did hope Justin got what he wanted even though Brian had
never contemplated that Justin would want someone other than him.
“Suck it up, ‘ he mentally
steeled himself as he went back down to the
party. Mikey found him immediately
and started in on Justin. Loyal
to a fault, Mikey walked up to him not realizing the stoic mask Brian had
put on to make it through the party to prove not only to himself, but to
the others that he was fine, that Justin was fine, everyone was FINE, was
just that, just a mask. Brian
would replay the conversation and his reaction swiftly laying out his best
friend on the ground over and over on a mental loop for hours and days
afterwards. Nothing was fine,
and it wasn’t going to get any better anytime soon.
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Later that Evening: The Comic Book
Shop
Time for the mea culpa, apologies
and meat (or at least the hint that Mikey could get at his ‘meat’)
always seemed to fix things with Mikey
before. Before what? Before
Justin. This time it wasn’t
so clear-cut who needed to apologize to whom here and for
what? The fact that Brian was
unable to control his temper and hit his best friend with out a second thought
…Mikey had in one thoughtless comment revealed to Brian just what Justin
meant to him. Justin meant
everything.
Brian was exhausted, but Mikey wanted to talk, “But I guess after what I said, I deserved it.” Brian couldn’t look at his best friend. All had been revealed and like the time last fall in the comic book shop, the night Brian offered his friend the opportunity to fulfill his greatest fantasy, the tables were tuned. Mikey looked at him and mentally said ‘I know your secret identity.’ Of course being Mikey, he had to push some more, pick at the scab… say what they both knew out loud, “You must really love him”
Brian snapped back into reality, “ I told him from day one, I don't
believe in love, I believe in fucking.” Brian paused and
sorta smiled at his friend, “Except for you,
of course!”
”I'm honored!” Mikey laughed.
Brian looked over at Mikey and said seriously and without any thought like when he had hit him earlier that day, “ I want you to make up with him.”
” No fuckin'
way!”
“What about your
dream?”
“I’ll get another one.” Mikey said seriously,
watching Brian give a little shrug and start to
leave. Brian looked so sad, so
broken Michael didn’t want him leaving looking like a puppy that had
its chew toy taken away.
“Yeah, want to get a bite to eat?”
“I have plans.”
Michael had an epiphany that night as he finished locking up
his store. In the time since
Brian had left, he had spent more time thinking about fixing the steak for
Ben and him to eat then speculating as to what type of plans Brian had that
evening. As he turned off the
lights of the store he stopped at the thought that maybe that one dream,
the dream that he and Brian would ever be more than best friends might have
finally died that night. Maybe
giving up on Rage would be too much.
Shrugging his shoulders he locked the store up and wondered what Ben
would think about him starting back up with Justin on the
comic.
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After the Comic Store: Brian’s Loft
Brian’s other plan knocked on the loft door jolting him
out of his attempts to not think of anything about the day or the shit that
he called his life. He had resigned
himself to numbing out any emotion and to fucking himself out of
his
loneliness. No thoughts
of how pathetic he was being, how fucking down right sad he was acting, just
put one foot in front of the other and answer the fucking
door. A blond flash of hair,
blue jacket, blue eyes, full lips and a very strange
voice. Brian blinked, and looked
away and walked back towards the bedroom.
One foot in front of the other, hand in the pocket, money exchanging
hands. He let himself look at
the trick from behind, he took him from behind, petted his hair, his sense
searching for the familiar scent of his lover, but only his eyes would be
satisfied, no familiar smell or taste.
Definitely not taste. No
kissing. Nothing more intimate
then a swift, hard, angry fuck.
Several Weeks Later: Brian’s
loft
Brian went through life like he was living in a tank of warm water, everything
seemed to take extra effort and was dull and
muted. Life’s most simple
pleasures such as a sale on the Prada spring line
and a quick fuck in the steam room at the gym did nothing for him except
relieve him of cash and cum.
Although he wasn’t trying to avoid Justin at the diner or in
life in general he hadn’t seen him since the anniversary party. One
ray of sunshine in his life came when Justin’s tuition bill came unexpected
at the office. The envelope was
addressed “Justin Taylor care of Brian
Kinney’. A smile passed
through him at the thought of ‘care of Brian Kinney.’
While Justin had his mail forwarded to where ever the fuck he
and the fiddler lived, the bursar’s office knew where Brian worked because
he had paid the last two semesters tuition. Brian clicked open his bank account
on his work computer and transferred the 10,890.45 necessary for a student
to be enrolled in a full semester at PIFA out of one of several accounts
he had. Brian had put the entire
Pool boy bonus into a savings account for the rest of what would end up being
around 60 grand of tuition for Justin, happy with his devious plan that the
homophic prick Poole not only put up twenty grand
money towards the marriage initiative at his behest, but also was funding
another gay man’s education with his blood
money. He opened up his check
book, filled out the amount necessary and mailed the bill without letting
himself have another thought about what Justin would do when he found
out. But Brian secretly hoped
that Justin would come to see him about
it.
A week later Brian was sitting before his TV watching One
Eyed Jack for the millionth time.
He could make an hour and a half disappear by losing himself in the
tale of love lost and false retribution, another hour and a half of his life
just moving along sluggishly, joylessly.
He heard the loft elevator stop on his
floor. Someone had come up who
knew the front door code without announcing himself, and he knew instantly
it was Justin.
Justin pulled cold metal door to the loft open and stopped. “ You planning on coming in? “ Brian threw over his shoulder, not looking away from the movie he was watching in the living room part of the loft.
Instinctively Justin looked around, not wanting a repeat of zucchini man
or sighting of any other trick de jour. Justin wasn’t startled when
Brian read his mind and casually threw out, “If you’re looking
for someone, there’s no one else here.”
”For a change.” He shot back.
He walked slowly into the loft looking for any sign of his old life,
any trace of him at a place, until recently, he called
home. There wasn’t any.
It was as if he had never lived there, the loft reclaiming its stark, modern,
sleek, sterile emptiness it had before he had moved in and messed up the
scenery with his belongings.
“Is that a new coffee table?” Justin asked, reduced to making
small talk by the pain of his realization.
” Mies van der
Rohe.” Brian said proudly, flexing his bare
feet on it.
” Mmm...must have cost a fortune.”
” Yup.” Another smile.
But Justin couldn’t see his face, Brian kept his eyes on the
screen.
” I went by the bursar’s office today. I can’t accept
it.”
” What?” Brian asked, as if he didn’t know what Justin was
talking about.
” The tuition.”
Brian shrugged, “ Oh. That. Why, is someone else covering
it?”
” No.”
“ Well then, you can’t afford not to.”
” But we’re not together anymore...”
” We signed an agreement. I’ll pay for your school, you pay me
back with interest.” Brian replied in a tone as if he were explaining
to Gus why he couldn’t eat the whole bag of cookies before dinner.
”You don’t have to honor it.” Justin offered, but he knew
that Brian would and did, once he let himself admit who paid for it at the
bursar’s office that day.
”A deal’s a deal.”
”I could be poor for a long time.”
” Yeah, well, knowing your tastes you’d better not
be.” Justin smirked and
looked over at the expensive coffee table and then back at Brian.
”It’s not like I have a shit load of great moneymaking
opportunities.”
” You have one.” Brian
and Justin locked eyes.
Rage. No way Justin was
going to contemplate working on Rage again with that ass hole and he certainly
wasn’t going to discuss it tonight.
Justin turned to leave.
”Aren’t you forgetting
something?”
Crap! His mother would have had his balls but nothing ever went like it should when Brian was near him, he still turned to mush.
” Thank you. “
” Not that, that - your computer. I packed it for
you.” Justin stopped cold,
his breath hitched at the thought of what Brian was doing for him.
” It’s yours…”
he croaked, unable to say more, afraid that he would burst out crying
like a sissy little girl.
” Bullshit. You need it. Take it.”
Brian couldn’t look back at Justin who left dragging the computer boxes
out to the landing and shutting the loft door with a loud thud that echoed
through the excruciatingly empty loft and Brian’s
life.
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