After Brian
Part 9
Justin
There was a time when I thought that I would die if I went a day without having him inside me. Even on the days that we would fight, and there were more of those than naught near the end, we had to have each other. We would be yelling at each other for some stupid reason, 'you left the bathroom a mess!'or 'you drank the last cold bottle of water and didn't put more in the fridge,' then 'WHAM!', we'd be fucking on the bathroom floor, amidst the offending towels, or against the cool steel of the refrigerator. Sometimes hard and fast, sometimes slow and hard, but always hot, always ...
Talking to other young gay men, I realized I grew to sexual maturity a little late in life. By seventeen, most of my contemporaries had more notches on their belts than there were drinks available at Woody's. On the other hand, until Brian introduced me to group pleasure (ok, it sounds less sleazy than threesomes), I had only one man in my seventeen years of life. Sometimes I felt like I was trying to make up for lost time. I was a willing student and Brian was a willing teacher, regardless of what he said otherwise.
I knew faster than I let on that I was onto something good after that first time Brian took me back to the loft and popped my cherry. You had to be deaf, dumb and blind not to notice that he was the hottest man that ever lived, let alone graced Liberty Ave. And he was mine, from that night on, even if it took him a 'little' time to come around to my way of thinking.
The private side of Brian, the private time we spent together, will always be my favorite time I spent on this earth. The public displays of affection, an arm around a hip or dancing pelvis to pelvis, could never compare to the private Brian. We couldn't keep our hands off each other at the loft, whether it was only a pat, a kiss hello, or a quick hand job before going to the supermarket. Brian would take advantage of every moment together to touch me somehow; even just walking past him in the loft drew a celebratory kiss or long slim fingers skimming across my shoulders.
Aside from the occasional 'yes dear' and helping me clear the table at Deb's after a group dinner, no one knew about the private side of Brian. The private man made me feel special, cherished, like we were on a fucking honeymoon all the time. It was a short time in comparison to the months of angst created by my insecurities, but sweet nonetheless.
When it was new, I believed that all I needed to be alive was to feel him inside me, to feel him beside me when I went to sleep and when I woke up. Hearing him moan my name as he would come inside me was my favorite sound... that sound he would make…
As we grew closer, fucking wasn't the only way I let him inside of me or how he let me inside him. Sometimes, we would lie together in bed, bodies flush, cock to cock, eyes locked together for what would seem like minutes but night would pass into day. We hadn't moved, except to breathe each other in. Taking slow, lazy, shallow breaths, we stared as if to memorize each other's face.
Everyone knew he bailed my ass out of the fire with the 'Sap' thing, paid for my tuition when my father decided not to pay, and bought me a computer to help me rediscover my art. All things that made him my knight in shining armor. But none of them compared to the countless little things that would bring me to my knees with love for this man. Did you know that after I moved back in with him, the first fucking time I came home from physical therapy I found change of address cards on the kitchen counter for me to fill out so my mail could be sent to the loft?
He didn't just clear out a drawer or two for me, he opened his whole life to me.
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Throwing Muses
Limbo (1996)
Mr. Bones
Wake up now
I wanna wake up now
I wanna wake with your
Weight on me
Arms around
My favorite sound
You make
I could sleep
If I could only think
I'm not alone
With these stars on me
Diamond heat
Cuts me deep
You know
Wake up now
Why don't you wake up now?
Look my heart's
almost breaking
I know that now
Oh but I don't know how
I can give up all this sinking
So wake up now
Why don't you wake with your
Weight on me
Arms around
My favorite sound
You make