After Brian
Part 3
Jennifer Taylor
I knew something was wrong with Justin at the Rage party - a mother knows these things, senses these things. Our relationship was not a typical mother-son relationship, the rules had all changed. Justin had changed them, mostly for the best with his honesty, his love and commitment, and well, yes his sexual orientation or identity or preference. Wait, not preference. Preference makes it seem like a choice - he wouldn't want me to call it that. No, it was just Justin, he changed it all - my life, my role as mother, wife and friend. I will tell you this right now, all for the better, these changes, all except for…well, that's further on in this little drama I like to call Justin's life.
A mother always knows when a child is in need, in pain. When my cell phone began to vibrate that night at Babylon, I knew he needed me. The scene on the stage had taken my breath away, frightened me even though I knew it wasn't supposed to. It was supposed to be a celebration of the comic book. Of Brian and Justin's ah…hem, um…"relationship." I might be old fashioned, but listen, you ask yourself, your beautiful seventeen year old son comes home and tells you that he is in love with someone who is 30, who casually took his virginity and then tossed him aside as he went around fucking anything or one that moved - you tell me what you would do? Man, woman, animal, vegetable, you would be upset! The homosexuality thing just added another level of fear for me, fear of the unknown and unfathomable. It was the beginning of a new world for me, Justin, all of us. And, if you ask me now, in a more settled time, if there was anything about the past two years that I would change, other then the obvious events surrounding Justin's prom, well, I can say I wouldn't change a thing. I love my son. From the day he was born I knew my purpose in life was to love him, love him and his sister, and nothing, no stupid ex husband, no base ball bat, or angry 30 year old man would ever, could ever change that.
God bless Deb and all the PFLAG people of the world. I was completely clueless, completely. Justin can laugh about it now, my taking him to that therapist. At the time it seemed the right thing to do. He refers to it as my attempt at de-programming but we all know what it was. It was my wake up call. "I like dick!" Well hello there Mister. And what exactly have you done with my precious little son?? To add insult to injury, the therapist turned out to be a lesbian, can you believe that? Another source of endless ribbing from Justin, "Yeah Mom, you wanted to 'straighten' me out so you took me to K.D. Lang for advice. Money well spent if you ask me!" It was a learning experience for all of us, growing pains abounded everywhere. Ok, granted, I had a clue there were gay people in the world, I just didn't know how many and I didn't know how wonderful. There I said it, pass the PFLAG plate, time to make a donation!
This growth has not been one sided. Justin had to come to grips with the fact that he came from the home of breeders and his fight against the heterosexual oligarchy, or what ever the hell he calls it, would be a life long battle.
In the middle of all of this, I had a 165 pound tumor removed from my ass, thanks to a good divorce lawyer. I think of the years that I put up with that man and it makes me sick. How many times can a person doubt themselves or their love for their children before they get a grip? Craig had always been an ass, that was nothing new. Years of family counseling had put an end to the 'disciplining' of me and Justin, soon after Molly was born. There was no hitting in our family, not for at least the past six years and then…in one afternoon Craig undid an 18 year marriage with one slap to the face of our son. My son. Then there was the incident with the car…love can be blind and so can fear.
I think Justin blames himself for the break up of my marriage, but, as I have tried to explain to him on countless occasions, I am responsible for the choices I made in my life and the ones I made for him and Molly. All the choices haven't been for the best, but I have tried my best for them and for me. I tried to patch up the sinking ship of our marriage/relationship at the expense of Justin and for that I will always be ashamed. And as I went racing out into the street looking for Justin that night at the Rage party, little did I know that Justin would be confronting his own choices, made for better or for worse, and changing the direction of all those around him. I knew that Brian's mother wouldn't be racing around the corner to collect him after this fiasco that my son pulled. I never felt so sorry for Brian than at that moment I realized what Justin had just done. But, Brian was someone else's son. I gathered up mine and took him home.
Justin came home with me that night, and for this I will be eternally grateful. Thank god he didn't do anything even more stupid than walking out on Brian, (I know, did I just think it was a bad idea to walk out on Brian?!!) like moving in with that boy that played the violin. Yes, yes, I should have been all over that boy, a man more my son's age, creative, talented blah, blah, blah. But hell, if you ever met Brian Kinney, comparing the two would be like comparing Albert Einstein and Anna Nicole Smith, or what ever her name is. There just isn't any comparison or competition.
Ok, I know I just said you wouldn't appreciate it if your sweet innocent son was taken away by the big bad wolf - a 30 year old man with a reputation as bad as a cheap Vegas stripper. No offense to strippers for being mentioned in the same breath as Brian Kinney! I didn't appreciate it, didn't get "it", except for the obvious sex appeal of the man, his money, and the fine things he showered my son with. Deb warned me the first night I met her that Brain was going to hurt my son. When that didn't happen and someone else hurt him, I blamed Brian anyway. He was a convenient six foot plus moving target of my wrath. I remember walking into the emergency room and seeing him sitting there - his tears mixing with the blood of my son on his face and if I had the power I would have ended him. Ended his life. I blamed him. And as time progressed, I realized that I blamed him only a little less then he blamed himself, and I took that knowledge and used it to cleave him out of Justin's life the first opportunity I could.
All I have to say about getting Brian to promise to stay away from Justin is that I thank God it didn't take 18 years for me to figure out I had made a horrible mistake like it took me to realize I had with Craig. Now if only Justin would find this out for himself and Brian would realize it too…Well, we will see. Personally, I like to think things work out for the best. I know, I know, things will work out the way that they will work out. Saying it's for the best is just putting a nice spin on it. So shoot me, I like to feel optimistic.
The time that Justin is spending at home is wonderful for me and for his sister and in general, for Justin. There was a part of Justin that never got to just be a kid, with no responsibilities or no worries. The drama was always 24/7 in his life. I could kill myself letting Craig push us around about Justin's tuition! But, thanks to Satan's daughter, my very, very angry divorce attorney (caught her on her way to her fourth divorce, I might add) money wasn't a weapon that Craig could hurt us with anymore. Now, Justin had his friends, his school work, his running and a little time to re group. That's what I like to call this time apart from Brian. A chance to reconnoiter, retreat, rest, relax and then get up and go out there and grab life by the horns, so to speak. His health has improved, he has gained some weight, and his legs! My, my, the running is really changing his body. My little man is turning into a man before my eyes. Life after Brian is ok, and getting better for him. I thank God everyday for giving me the chance to see this boy become a man. I thank Him everyday.