Justin Comes Home

Chapter 4

POV: BRIAN

That fucking piece of SHIT Ian. I hold Justin to me; he's shaking, flipped out and scared. I just hung up on Ian. Who threatened my life. He said if I touched Justin he'd hurt me. I'd love to see him fucking TRY. I'll kick his sorry ass.

"Brian..." Justin sobs. "Don't get involved in this. You don't know..."

"Sunshine, *please* don't worry about me, okay?" I pull him into the bedroom and gently lay him down.

"But Brian..." He says again.

I roll my eyes. "Justin, as I've told you a million times now: I can take care of myself." I lay down next to him and he clings to me. "Sunshine, don't cling. You're okay. Trust me."

"You don't get it. He showed me the fucking gun, Brian. It's a .48 or a .32 or I don't know what. It's deadly is all I know. He showed it to me a *lot*." He shudders and then runs his hands up my torso; then his arms come around me and grip me firmly. "Brian, this is serious. Really serious."

"Okay. So we'll be careful. You aren't going back there though, Justin. There is no way."

"Brian." Justin mumbles. "Can I tell you something?" He asks after a few moments.

I get wary but I nod, caressing his arm softly as he talks.

He looks at me. "You sure?" He asks, almost sounding scared.

I nod again, even more wary. "Yes, Justin. And don't be scared of me, okay? Never be scared of me. I'm not going to hurt you. Ever."

Justin smiles weakly. "Oh, Brian, I know that. I'd never be scared of you. I know you'd *never* hurt me, Brian. And I'm so sorry for all this. I love you so much."

Oh fucking good grief! I look at him and I'd roll my eyes right now, but there's something so sincere, so tender in his voice that I don't want to hurt him emotionally. Not that I ever want to hurt him of course. And there's something so wide open in Justin at the moment that I don't dare say something that might deflate him. Like the fact that he's told me that he loves me about 50 times today. His eyes are wet, his voice is quiet and hesitant, and his tone is filled with (gawd) love - and pain.

"Well..." Is my brilliant response.

A small smile crosses his features again. He doesn't say anything for a couple minutes- neither do I. "'Well...'?" He prompts. "Well what?"

I close my eyes and kiss his forehead. Sigh. "I've missed you..." I say simply. I can barely hear myself and wonder if he hears me. One look at his expression and it's obvious that he has. He looks ecstatic despite the circumstances and his fear of Ian.

"I've missed you too, Brian. I wish none of this was happening. Er, I mean, I wish I never left in the first place."

I don't say anything. I mean, what would I fucking say to that?

There's a sudden loud bang at the front door. At first, I think it's a gun it's so loud-- but it's just somebody pounding on the door. "Christ!" I mutter. "Who the fuck is it?" I yell.

"Brian - I know he's there! Open the fucking door!" A voice answers. Ethan.

I glance at Justin. He suddenly looks panicked and his fear-filled wide eyes look back at me as he shakes his head 'no'. "Don't! Don't answer! Brian, don't answer the door!" He hisses, scared. "Really, Brian! Don't!"

I look at him sympathetically. "Justin, don't give him so much power. It's Ethan. Also known as 'chin rat'. Or 'pubic face'. Or 'fiddle fuck'."

He looks at me incredulously. "Brian, this guy has beaten the shit out of me. He's threatened you AND me with our lives! He's dangerous. He's fucking nuts!" I go over to Justin and pull him into a gentle hug.

"I know, Justin. I'm not making light of what you've been through. Really." There's another pounding on the door.

"Brian!! Don't!"

"Justin, go and lock yourself in the bathroom."

"No! I'm not leaving you here alone! He might kill you!"

"Justin, you *know* he's not leaving until I open that door. He's not going away.

"And Justin, he doesn't know you're here for sure. Let's keep it that way. Go lock yourself in the bathroom and I'll get rid of him." Justin juts out his lower lip and crosses his arms. Just like Gus when he's being stubborn. He doesn't say anything. Just like Gus when he's being stubborn. And he plants his feet squarely at shoulder's width. Yeah: Just like Gus when he's being stubborn. But Gus is a little boy. Justin's a man. I know from experience I can't cajole Sunshine into hiding in the bathroom if he gets like this. He's here to face his abusive fuck of a (an-ex-) boyfriend and there's nothing I can do to change his mind. I huff and head towards the door.

"I knew it!" Ian yells as I slide open the door. "The guy at McDonald's said something about seeing Justin leave mid-shift with a tall brown-haired beautif-- with a tall man. I *knew* it was you Brian…! What… did he call you and ask you to rescue him and be his sugar daddy again? He is *such* a fucking whore!" He exclaims. Ethan makes a move towards Justin and I get right in his face.

"You go near him and I'll hurt you. I'll fucking kill you if you touch him ever again." I hiss, the rage in me boiling.

"…" Ethan just glares, looking at me and eyeing Justin in the background, not daring to cross my path. Sometimes it's nice to be tall, you know? "Catching up with old friends, eh?" He finally snaps at Justin.

Justin says nothing but his eyes waver a little - not so that anyone but me would notice but I notice - and it sickens me. I see the moisture in his eyes start to well as his fear rises.

As I watch the dynamic between the two of them, I feel disgusted and pained - and very angry. "Ethan, you're not welcome here - ever. Was there anything else or shall I kick your ugly ass out my door?" I hiss, interrupting before he lunges at Justin, me there or not.

He turns away from me to face Justin full-on and appears to try a new tactic. "Justin, honey - come home. I just want to talk a few things over."

Yeah. Uh huh. 'Talk' my ass. Justin just stands there looking at him fearfully. I intervene. "Actually, Ethan, Justin's not going back to you or that slimey apartment. He's staying here. Stay away from him. Or ELSE." My voice is quiet but menacing. Rarely have I heard myself sound like this, but right now, I want to kill the fucker.

Ethan stares at Justin, then me, and then back at Justin. His eyes are dark and threatening and he gives Justin a tight-lipped and enraged grimace. Suddenly he leaps past me towards Justin; I catch him before he reaches Sunshine and throw him violently and bodily out the door, slamming the door behind him. I lock the door solidly and set the alarm; I turn to find Justin curled in a ball on the floor. Alarmed, I rush over to him and kneel next to him. "Justin!" I say, hearing a slight note of panic in my voice.

I reach out and touch Justin's shoulder to shake him out of whatever state he's in and he screams out, startling me: "NO!" I draw my hand back instantly and study his expression; it's like he's in a trance, like he's gone somewhere else in his mind, eyes closed, cheeks pale, sweat on his brow.

I've never seen him like this - and I never reacted this way to my father when he beat me. I'd try to beat the fucking tar out of Jack just like he was doing to me. Of course, I'd lose - I was a child; but I would always try when I could.

"Brian… Brian…" He starts whispering over and over, rocking slightly and hugging himself like he's trying to shrink to the point that he disappears. I look at him, baffled and I'm beginning to really freak out. Is he in shock? Why is he saying my name but he doesn't seem to even know I'm here…? He's far away in his mind, but still quietly repeating my name constantly.

"Justin…" I say softly. "Sunshine - I'm here. I'm right here. Ethan's gone - you're safe…" I wonder if this is how he reacted to being beaten every time - if so, I'm sure his repeating my name over and over only egged Ethan on. Fuck. "Justin - come on - you're at the loft. You're okay. C'mon Sunshine…" No effect. "Justin, what the fuck! Snap out of it!" This time, I use a more authoritative tone, hoping that might work. Slowly he stops rocking and he opens his eyes. I'm leaning over him with what must be a very worried look on my face. "Justin?" I say, tentative now. "It's me. Sunshine, it's Brian. It's okay… You're safe."

His expression slowly melts into one of awareness of where he is and relief. "Fuck… Brian… I'm so glad you're here..." He says, his voice barely audible.

"Well, Sunshine, I live here." I smirk.

He slowly uncurls himself and sits beside me on the loft floor; he reaches out to touch me, like he's not sure it's really me. He runs his hand down my chest and then back up to cup my chin; his still somewhat cloudy eyes search mine. I'm searching his right back. "I'm safe...?"

"Yes. Sunshine, you're safe; I'm here… You're in the loft. The door is closed, locked, alarmed." I pause a moment. "Justin… Sunshine…what was that all about a second ago? You really freaked me out just now…"

"What do you mean?" He asks, bewildered, leaning on me weakly.

"You were a million miles away after that shithead Ethan jumped you. He didn't touch you just now, did he? I thought I reached him before he got to you…"

Justin shivers, swallows and then sighs. He takes a minute or two to collect himself. "No, no- he didn't touch me. I um… Brian, I um." He hesitates.

"Justin?"

"I uh... I developed this tendency to… to…" He looks down like he's embarrassed. "During beatings I kind of started going into myself… I'd find somewhere safe in my mind and heart to be instead of there with Ethan kicking the fuck out of me. That safe place inside was always with you, Brian." He says quietly, warily looking up at me like he expects me to scoff and snark at him.

But I simply blink, a little surprised. "So, basically, you disassociated - still do?" I ask softly.

He nods, looking down again to avoid my eyes. "I started to do that if I was that scared - if I was in that much pain… if I was that fucking weak…" he adds.

"Justin…fuck talking that weak shit. That's not weak. And why are you looking embarrassed?" I gently reach out and tuck my finger under his chin so that he looks at me. "Sunshine, any way you can survive that kind of shit and not come totally apart at the seams is nothing to be ashamed of… I've just never seen you in a state like that is all. It… it scared me." I admit.

Justin takes a deep breath. "Bri, I stopped trying to fight back. Ethan often caught me off guard when he'd attack me - you know, he'd jump me when I'd walk in the door, when I'd come out of the shower, when I'd think he was sleeping; and he usually showed me that fucking gun, threatening you with it. I was so scared… He used to put a bullet in the gun, spin the barrel and point it at my head, then pull the trigger. I think it was the first few times he did that that I just couldn't deal with the terror and I'd turn inside myself. And Brian, when I did that, I always found you - you're the safest, most loving place I know. And you were always there inside me…. And now… And now you're here…"

I clench my jaw hearing the basic torture that Justin went through at the hands of that fucker but I leave that alone for the moment. "…So that's why you were repeating my name over and over while you were curled up on the floor, in a trance…" I mutter to myself. "Sunshine, listen to me: that fucker's going to pay."

"I what? What was the first thing you said?"

"You whispered my name… over and over and over, but you didn't know I was really here… You were somewhere else."

"Fuck! Ethan must have gotten so angry at that! I didn't know I did that!"

"Shhhh… it's okay." I hold him gently right there on the floor.

He starts crying softly. "God, Brian… I can't believe how fucked up things are… And I've cried so much since the RAGE party I feel like a fucking little girl…"

I slowly stand, continuing to hold him, pulling him up with me. "C'mon. You've had a *lot* of things to make you sad. Crying is normal. And we'll make it through this, even if things are fucked up - we'll make it. They're less fucked up than they were before noon today when I saw you at McDonald's, right?" I feel him nod against my body and I lead him to the bedroom. I gently undress him and he gets into bed, moving stiffly because of his wounds, which still make me flinch when I see them - no matter how many times I've seen similar or worse on my own body. "Hey, you want me to read to you from a porn novel? Tide you over till you're healed enough to practice the real thing?"

That elicits a smile. "Maybe a little later. Just lay with me for awhile Brian - um… would you mind?"

I strip down, smirking as I feel his eyes on me. "You are so beautiful, Brian." He says, his eyes raking over me as I climb into bed next to him. "All lean muscle, bronzed skin, gorgeous lines and warmth… Just beautiful. Your face, body, soul." I roll my eyes, having heard it all before; I don't believe it when people say that kind of shit. Not that Justin's a liar - he's just a little deluded sometimes. "You really *are*, you know that? You are absolutely beautiful. I don't know why you don't believe 99% of Pittsburgh when we tell you that. Me especially."

I poke my tongue into the hollow of my cheek. "99% of Pittsburgh thinks my 'soul' is going straight to hell. About how I look, you're a little biased Sunshine." I say finally.

"Maybe I'm biased. But that doesn't make what I say any less true. You must notice how everyone, gay and straight, male and female - everyone stares at you. It was one of the things that Ethan really hated about you, you know? Despised about you, really." Justin's voice is low.

"Ian hates me for many reasons. What I look like must be low on his list."

"No, it's not. Actually, all he really knows about you is that I've been with you a long time, I never stopped loving you, and that you're the sexiest man in gay PA… he doesn't know YOU you - you on the inside. I mean your personality, your sensitivity, your sense of humor - he doesn't know you as *I* and all your friends know you at all."

I snort. "Sunshine, the only thing that I think he resents me for is my connection with you. As I said, my looks are low on his list of reasons to hate me."

"As *I* said, your beautiful looks are one thing." Justin has come close and presses his body against me. "Just not the only thing."

"Well, I really could care less about his opinion of me…" I whisper. I cup the back of his head, leading him into a kiss. His lips and mouth are so soft, warm and he tastes so good it's like I've come home. I rarely allow myself to be such a schmaltzy freak, but I figure if I keep that thought to myself, it's not so bad.

The kiss deepens and our breathing becomes erratic and loud as we practically eat each other. I taste his sweat on his upper lip. "Fuck…" Justin mutters, his face flushed and his beautiful coral lips slightly swollen. He reaches for my cock but I stay his hand. "Justin, I think you need to heal more before we go any farther than this." And I can't believe I just said that!

He looks at me, a little bit stunned. "Brian Kinney, holding back? Wow."

I smirk, having recovered from my own shock. "Justin, your body has been through a lot. Let it heal. I've seen you wincing all day long from the slightest motion. Take it easy."

He smiles at me before kissing me again. "I do hurt." He admits. "Thanks for being so… thoughtful. Not that I can wait long to feel you inside me again. The memories of sex with you kept me going many nights and days in the last two months."

I kiss him again, a bit amazed at myself how intimate I'm letting myself be. It's just, I *missed* him. My eyes slide shut as our tongues explore each other's mouths. I missed *this*. Justin grinds his body against me and I feel him gasp into my mouth. I open my eyes when he pulls back and I see him licking his lips like he's savoring the taste while at the same time cringing in pain. "Justin, slow down. Look at you - you're in pain!"

He looks at me sheepishly under long brown-blond lashes. "I've just missed this so much… being this close to you. Feeling you. Feeling your strong, lean body against mine. Feeling connected to you…"

I bite back snarking at him for his overt sentimentality and sigh. "I know, but I don't want to cause you pain so take it the fuck easy. You're body is hurting - you've been beaten within an inch of your life…"

Sunshine pulls back to regard me. "It's so good to be home…"

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