Agoraphobia

Chapter 5

Early the next morning, there’s a knock on the door and I slide it open, knowing it’ll be Brian. I grin. “Hey!”

“There’s that gorgeous Sunshine smile back in place; and hey yourself.” He holds up the leash indicating he’s here to pick up Georgia. Georgia’s prancing in place in front of him, wagging her tail wide and panting that goofy smile she has. She loves Brian and seems to know she’s going with him for awhile.

“She’s all yours,” I say, still beaming at the compliment about my smile. “Just again, keep an eye on her. She’s not young or used to a lot of exercise.”

“Toldja I would. And we have a rapport as you know. If she wants to quit, she’ll let me know.” He winks at me with a little grin and my knees feel rubbery. He’s so fucking hot. And I’ve taken in his running ‘outfit’- simple running shorts that aren’t too short (which I appreciate- I hate that look of really short shorts) and a loose tee, a towel tossed over one shoulder- nothing pretentious- and he looks fucking incredible. His legs are so long, tan and leanly muscular.

“Aren’t you going to freeze out there wearing just shorts?” I blurt out.

“Nah; while we’ll take it easy, your pup and I, we’ll get up a sweat. I overheat in sweats unless it’s really cold. It’s only in the mid 40’s.” This whole time, he’s been clipping the leash on Georgia and then he stands. “Wish you could come with,” he smiles.

I look down. “Me too.”

“Later.”

“Later- Oh, Brian, how long do you usually run? I mean, when do you think you’ll have Georgia back?”

“Justin, do you feel unsafe with her not here during the day? I don’t have to take her, you know. I usually run an hour or more- depending on how I feel. But today, I’ll only go 20-30 minutes because of your dog- unless, again, you don’t want me to take her.”

“No, it’s fine- go ahead. I just wanted to know when to expect another knock on my door.”

“Sure?”

“Yes, of course.”

“Okay. C’mon girl!” She’s right on his heels as happy as can be as they both jog towards the front entrance to the building. I admire Brian’s physique as he jogs away, his easy stride and strong calf and thigh muscles. I start to wish he *did* have shorter shorts on.

Once they’re gone, I’m as hard as stone and go to take a shower and jerk off to thoughts of Brian Kinney. I think I’ll be bathing more regularly now that I have a reason to- and not just to be cleaner. I smirk at that thought.

Brian’s back in about a half hour, knocking on the door. I only have my terry cloth robe on- I mean, I’m decent, but I hope to have some effect on the man. I open the door and Georgia looks happy as a clam, panting and looking up at Brian with adoring eyes. Their run was the first time she’s been out besides being in the yard in years.

Brian eyes me, fresh out of the shower in my robe. He’s only slightly winded and sweating as it was obviously an easy run for him. He looks unbelievably sexy, some hair sticking to his forehead, the rest disheveled from the wind. He looks at me- he gets a small smile, but makes no comment about my attire. He knows I’m trying to seduce him- albeit I’m a complete novice, a complete amateur- still, he’s not stupid.

“She did great!” he says after a beat. “Kept up with me without any problem and I almost ended up going my normal pace because she seemed to be having a lot of fun. Well, I know she was.” He winks, referring to his Dr. Doolittle-like rapport with animals. He unclips her.

“Thanks for taking her. I’m glad she had fun- she hasn’t been outside of that yard in years.” Georgia gives his leg a fat tongue kiss and then trots into the apartment. I envy her that fat tongue kiss.

“I figured. No problem. Well, see ya.” With that he turns and goes into his apartment. Again, I watch him as he moves, so graceful and lithe. And fuck if I’m not hard all over again. This isn’t like me- before Brian showed up at my door yesterday, I rarely felt the need to whack off; there’s not much to stimulate me here which is why I frequent gay porn sites. I figure I should find some of what's on those sites exciting. And while I usually do as I surf the sites- I’ve never had this kind of visceral response to anything or anybody.

I sigh and go into the bedroom to take care of my stiffie.

I rest for a short while and when I get up, it’s 11:07AM. I didn’t sleep- I never sleep- I just played scenarios in my mind of Brian and me- and what he may someday do to me and vice-versa; that is, if I’m lucky. I’ve had four more orgasms.

For some reason, I suddenly find myself at the front door. When did I walk from the bedroom to here? I slide open the door and am faced with the empty hallway.

Then, I feel like for the first time, I may actually try to leave- well, go next door. I’m determined. I suddenly realize I’m still in my robe but if I turn back now, I’ll probably lose my nerve. I just want to show him- show myself- I can do this. And I really want to see him. I take a step towards Brian’s door. My breathing becomes erratic and I start to sweat. After one fucking step. “Brian?” I call out weakly.

The door near me opens and Brian looks out, bare chested and hair dripping presumably from a very recent shower. “Justin?” he says quietly. “What the fuck?”

I collapse. I fucking collapse, my legs rubber underneath me. He steps into the hall clad only in a towel around his waist. “Justin!” I hear and then the next thing I know I’m on a bed, wrapped in a blanket with a cup of something warm steaming on the nightstand beside me- warm and aromatic. Tea, I think.

“Brian?” I call out, hesitantly.

“It’s me. I’m here, Justin. It’s Brian,” a soft voice says from next to me.

I look over and he’s there.

“You kinda scared me, Sunshine,” he says quietly. I notice his hair’s still wet, but he’s wearing jeans and a black wifebeater now- no longer the towel. Rats.

“I’m sorry for that. I couldn’t lose you, Brian.” What the fuck did I just say??? What the hell do I mean by that???

He gets an odd look for a moment. “’Lose me’? What the fuck does *that* mean? You must be delirious. Justin, you just met me! Plus, you’ve been passed out on my bed for 10 minutes. What were you doing in the hall?”

I look at his incredulous expression and I feel the tears start in the corners of my eyes. “Uh. Shit. I’ll… Ummm…” Then my innate nature takes over and I jump up and rush back to my apartment feeling like a complete IDIOT!

“Justin!” I hear behind me. No no no! I can’t talk to him after that fiasco! And after what I just said!

I slam the door and lock it, breathing heavily and blinking back tears.

“Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck!” I repeat to myself. I tried to do it- and ultimately failed, passing out after one step. He saw me in a total panic, acting like a total twat, a baby.

There’s a knock on my door- I of course, know who it is. Reluctantly I unlock and open it. I can’t look more pathetic to him now, anyway- why the fuck not make myself feel even more miserable and hear him say how weak and immature I am, as well.

“Justin. What the fuck was that about?” Brian asks without any preliminary conversation.

Fuck it! “Nothing! I just think you’re…” I pause. “I just wanted to see you- I think you’re nice. I’m sorry.” My cheeks are warm and I know I’m flushed from crying and panic.

Brian cocks an eyebrow like he has no idea where that came from. “You think I’m ‘nice’?”

“Yeah, I do.”

“So why’d you rush away? And why the fuck are you crying? Finally, I’m not ‘nice’, by the way- in fact all of Gay Pittsburgh would be rolling on the ground laughing at that description of me.”

“Shut up, Brian. I’m allowed my own opinion,” I snap.

He rolls his eyes. “Trust me – I’m not nice,” he snaps back. Then his face changes- softens. “That was as far out of your apartment as you’ve been for awhile, wasn’t it…?” he asks, letting his other questions drop for now. He moves past me to sit on the sofa; he pushes more laundry and crap off of it before he sits. “More laundry… shit,” he mutters to himself. Fuck, I have laundry everywhere- it’s like it reproduces. But Georgia always carries it up onto the sofa to lay next to- weird dog.

I find I’ve been staring at him and I quickly avert my eyes when he finally looks up at me from the couch. I try to control my tears. “Yes. That was the furthest out of my apartment I’ve been in awhile. One fucking *step* and I pass out,” I say, very quietly, going over to sit at the very opposite end of the sofa from him. He’d probably push me away if I was any closer to him. I’m so pissed at myself for failing, for failing in front of Brian.

“Furthest since 1998,” he says, remembering yesterday’s conversation.

“Uh huh.”

“Then, that was great, Justin,” he grins.

I examine his expression for any sign that he’s being cruel or teasing me, but there is none, and his voice is genuine- not sarcastic.

“Plus you fucking dashed across that hall like a bat outta hell to get back here. Why’d you run away?” he asks again.

“I um…” What the fuck do I say? “That’s how I am usually- I spook. And I was scared of what… of what you thought of me, fainting like a pussy like that,” I admit.

Brian looks at me in surprise. “Okay- so you spook- that’s part of what it means to be phobic- and human. I can understand that. But why the fuck do you care what the hell I think? Plus, you know that I know you’re agoraphobic and I know about agoraphobia- I told you about my mother; I wouldn’t blame you for fainting. You scared me, being out cold for 10 minutes, but it’s not like it was your fault. But again, why do you fucking care what I would think? Shit. You don’t even know me,” he adds in a low mutter.

That’s where he’s wrong. I may not know all of him, but I know him. But I don’t say that. I just bite my lip.

“Okay, Sunshine- how ‘bout we say that the drama’s over and you smile.”

And I do. I smile despite myself, wiping the tears off my cheeks.

“Much better. Now, let’s order some lunch. Why not bring over that Thai menu?”

I do and he takes his cell out of his pocket. I tell him what I like and he places the order- and he gives the delivery guy his apartment’s address!

“Brian! I can’t go over to your apartment!”

“Try- with me. Come over. I know it will be hard- but it’ll just be next door, and we can come back here if you need to… although I worry about getting a staph infection in this pit.”

I smirk at that, still wiping the tears from my face.

“I think it’d be good for you to come over for lunch, Sunshine- you’ve already been there once. C’mon- take a few more baby steps after your success earlier—kinda like the baby steps in that stupid ‘What About Bob’ movie. It’s just for lunch and it’s just a few more steps than you took before. You've already cleared that hall when you raced back here. What do you say? If I’m with you the whole way?”

Although I flash to when he tried to get me over to his apartment to get Georgia last night, I feel ready to try again. His reaction to what I considered a fiasco a moment ago makes me more confident. He thinks it was a success! I’m now grinning. “Brian, I’d um. I’d go anywhere for you…”

He stops smiling and looks at me. “Justin, what did you just say?”

What *am* I saying? Why do I say such stupid things to him? Some kind of guard comes up in him- I’m not sure what. But I can’t blame him- I just blurted out this whopper declaration to a basic stranger. Now I sound like a stalker for sure…

“Justin…” His voice sounds wary and full of warning.

“I just m… meant I’ll go with you to..to your apartment, Brian. For lunch. With you. I’ll tr… try.” I backpedal as much as I can, stammering the whole time. “I s… said it oddly, is all.”

He looks a little spooked right now. He’s thoughtful a minute or so, seeming to gauge whether I just meant I’d follow him for lunch - and didn’t essentially declare some form of undying love for him. I blush under his scrutiny. He finally seems to relax a little and smiles. “Well, if you want to go with me *for lunch*,” he emphasizes, “then follow me.”

At the door to my apartment, he puts his arm around my shoulder for support and we go into the hallway. He closes the door to my apartment behind us and I tense up- but he squeezes me against his side and tells me I’m doing great- that it’s only a few more ‘baby steps’. “Aw, Justin, we forgot the jar with Gil in it!”

Amazingly, I crack up and my tension dissipates. “Brian, I’m not like Bob from that movie, always carrying around a jar with a fucking goldfish named ‘Gil’ in it!”

“Well, maybe we can get you your *own* goldfish and you can name it something else, Sunshine,” he offers. I chuckle.

Suddenly, I realize we’re in his apartment and I hardly noticed our walk over!

I look around at the apartment, which is immaculately furnished, tidy and very clean. I hadn’t really looked around his place when I was over there before, having passed out in the hall and then fled home. Then I look at Brian and beam at him. “I did it!”

“Yes, you did. And you didn’t pass out once.” He grins back, heading over to his refrigerator a short distance away.

“You even made me fucking laugh! I haven’t laughed for years until I met you yesterday!”

"How should I take that, Sunshine?"

I rush over to him and startle him by hugging him hard from behind as he’s bending down to get some bottles of water.

“Oof! Justin!” he exclaims.

“I can’t believe it! I didn’t panic or pass out or scream or anything!” Yeah- it seems stupid to make such a huge deal of making it a few yards across a hallway outside your own apartment to your neighbor’s—but it *is* a huge deal to me that I did it! Unlike earlier, this time, with Brian joking around and his arm firmly holding me, I felt safe. I squeeze him harder.

“Justin… I can’t breathe!” he rasps. I giggle and let go. “Fuck, Justin, you rival Debbie in bear hugs,” he mutters, rubbing his ribs. He turns around to face me and smiles. “I told you- things are okay- and if not, you can make them okay.”

Vaguely wondering who Debbie is, I embrace him again and lean up to kiss him. He looks down, a bit surprised as I wrap my hand behind his neck to pull him into a searing kiss; but this time he doesn’t pull away like he has been till now. I just look into his eyes. “Thank you, Brian,” I whisper.

He smirks. “I didn’t do anything. You did it, Sunshine.” He kisses me on the nose and now he pulls away, handing me a bottle of water. I wish he hadn’t broken our embrace, but he doesn’t look freaked- in fact, he looks a little flushed. Last night, it was like he was making an escape. My cock is stiffer than a steel rod. There’s a knock on the door and I jump. “Relax, neighbor- it’s just the food.” He goes over and collects the food and we sit on the floor and eat.

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