Point of View
Chapter 14: “Breathe”
Wednesday, February 20, 1991
3rd Person Point of View
Brian gripped the passenger seat’s ratty leather in his hands. “All right, let’s go.”
Justin elbowed Brian in the arm. “Would you stop? They wouldn’t have given me this,” he paused and held up his freshly laminated license, “if I wasn’t a good driver.”
“Are you serious?” Brian asked in exasperation. “They’ll give anyone a driver’s license!”
“Yeah, they gave you one didn’t they?” Justin started the car and pumped the gas to get the engine to warm up and run.
“Fuck you.” Brian groaned, adjusting himself so that his long legs could fit more easily on the floorboard.
Jennifer had bought the car for Justin from a lady she worked with for $300 dollars. It was a steal because other than a few glitches the car ran great. He absolutely hated the dirty cream color and the hatchback, but he didn’t complain, he left that up to Brian. When his father moved out Justin had given up all hope of getting a car for his sixteenth birthday, so he was thrilled with the 1985 Toyota Tercel.
Brian had worked delivering papers and moving lawns so that when he turned sixteen he’d bought himself a used Jeep. “We really should’ve taken my car.”
“You won’t let me drive your car,” Justin reminded haughtily. “Besides, there’s nothing wrong with my car.”
“One: you’re driving it. Two: it’s too fucking small.”
Justin pulled out onto the main street and when he stopped at a red light, he glanced over at Brian. “You realize that the lever to push the seat back is on this side, right?” Justin showed Brian the various buttons on the left side of the passenger seat.
“Why didn’t you tell me that on the drive here? My legs were cramping the whole time.”
“I was bottling it for the payback you deserve for insulting my driving.”
Brian’s seat swiftly moved backward as Justin stepped on the gas the same moment that he pressed the lever. “Thanks, Asshole.”
“You know, you’re not very nice to me. It’s my birthday; you’re supposed to be nice to me.” Justin gave Brian a fake pouting look.
“Just get us home in one piece and I’ll be nice to you there.”
Justin laughed as he turned onto the road leading to their house. “For the record, Brian, I got a better score on my written and driven tests than you did.”
“How the hell do you remember that?”
“I have a photographic memory,” Justin stated, pulling the car into their driveway.
“Of my test scores? When did you even see them?”
“I didn’t. I have a photographic memory of you freaking out when you thought that the guy who tested you wasn’t going to pass you.” Justin parked and shut off the engine. “Now get out of my car.”
Brian glared at Justin as he untangled his long frame from the car. “Hurry up, or Mom will be home from work and we won’t have time to play with the present I got you.”
Justin was out of the car in a flash and bouncing on his heels behind Brian. “Brian, you didn’t!”
“Didn’t what?” Brian teased, unlocking the front door. He pushed Justin inside.
Justin raced into the living room where his mother had placed the wrapped gifts. “Where is it?”
“It’s on your bed,” Brian directed.
Justin ran past Brian and blushed as dirty thoughts filled his head, imagining what he’d really like him and Brian to play with in his room. As he reached his bedroom, he came upon a large rectangular box wrapped with Christmas paper.
Brian nervously stood in the doorway. “Mom didn’t have any birthday paper left.”
“I don’t care,” Justin said, grinning at Brian. He waited for Brian to sit beside him on the bed before he tore at the paper on the box. “HOLY SHIT!”
“You like?” Brian asked.
“Oh my god, yes!” Justin cheered. “How did you get this? It isn’t supposed to come out until August!”
“Julian’s dad knew someone who knew someone that was testing them. There’s only like two games for it but I’m sure it’ll take you until August to beat them before more come out.”
“This had to have cost a fortune.”
“I did a favor for the guy,” Brian said, grinning deviously.
Justin felt a little sick and his smile faded. “A favor?”
“Yeah, he wanted me to teach his kid some soccer moves.” Brian knew what Justin had thought he meant and he laughed at the kid’s sullen expression. “He’s trying to make it onto his school’s JV team.”
“Oh, cool.” Justin smiled once again. “This is amazing, Brian. Thank you!”
Brian’s breath caught between the both of their lips as Justin leaned in close and their eyes met. A second later, they heard the front door opening, stopping them from tasting the desire both of them felt lingering between them.
***
“I still can’t believe Mom agreed!” Justin fell back on Julian’s bed, his arms spread wide. “You’re a genius.”
“Except now I’m going to have to figure out how to get something that looks like an adapter cable for your TV.”
“Even though the family business is electronics, Mom knows nothing about them. She won’t even notice.”
Brian slapped Justin’s thigh as hard as he could. “Get up, asshole. You’ve got to help me set this up.”
Justin rubbed the sore spot on his leg but didn’t complain about the fact that Brian had most likely just marked him. “It’s a good thing Julian’s riiiich! He’s got the most kick-ass TV!” Justin squatted in front of the large big screen and grabbed one of the cables from Brian. “Does he even know that we’re using it?”
“I’m getting him back for fucking Brenda in my room.”
“Too bad you can’t fuck someone in here while he’s gone tonight.”
Brian really wished Justin wouldn’t say things like that. He bit his lip and replied, “Well that doesn’t mean that you can’t jerk yourself off all over his sheets tonight.”
“You’re gonna make me sleep in here?” Justin whimpered, plugging the console in.
“Would you rather go home and actually have to go to school tomorrow?” Brian asked.
Justin frowned. “It’d be weird sleeping in here alone.”
“You sleep at home alone all the time.”
“And it sucks.”
“Stop pouting and put in the game,” Brian ordered, grabbing his controller. “I’m going to kick your ass.”
“As if,” Justin retorted, nudging Brian’s chest with his shoulder. “You couldn’t even make it past the fourth level in Super Mario Brothers 3!”
***
Brian groaned and rolled over, buried his face into his pillow and muttered, “Go away.”
Justin, clad only in his underwear stepped softly over to Brian’s bedside. “I had a nightmare.”
Brian laughed and turned toward Justin. “You’ve been in there for like five minutes.”
Justin glanced at the alarm clock on Brian’s nightstand. “Actually, it’s been more like twelve minutes.”
Brian rolled his eyes and lifted the covers. “Get in. But be quiet. You may get to ditch school tomorrow, but I can’t. I’ve got to take a test at nine a.m. and I need sleep.”
Justin felt awkward the moment he slid in beside Brian’s warm body and immediately regretted his actions. He fought the erection that wanted to spring the second Brian’s arm brushed his own. “Goodnight,” he whispered, turning on his side.
Brian turned on his side too and draped his arm over Justin’s waist. He gave into temptation and scooted closer. “Happy Sweet 16, Justin.”
“Thanks, Brian,” Justin yawned, pushing his back against Brian’s chest. “Goodnight.”
Brian gulped and couldn’t reply the same; his throat was tight with forbidden longing.
***
Tuesday, January 1, 2008
Justin’s Point of View
Brian falls forward, squishing his come between us, his mouth open, his teeth still biting my shoulder. I’m going to have a huge mark there when he finally moves his mouth, but I could care less, that delicious sucking bite is what had me climaxing harder than I think I ever have before. Being inside Brian is the most amazing feeling in the world, but he makes it even better when he’s straddling my lap, working himself up and down, taking the pleasure my cock gives him. Seeing him come like that is so fucking hot!
He finally finds the strength to reach behind him and holds the condom onto my cock as he slides away, separating our joined bodies and rolling onto his back. He looks at me, a shy but also satisfied smile on his lips. “I needed that.”
I smile too; even bigger than I was already smiling because damn… hearing him actually admit to that makes me feel like I won the lottery. “Me too.”
He turns onto his side and nuzzles my sweaty neck. “I need to be inside you too,” he growls.
“Soon,” I tell him, stroking his arms. I pull him on top of me and we kiss slowly, savoring the desire we share for one another.
A cry pierces through our bedroom, heard through the baby monitor. I reluctantly pull away from Brian and look toward the clock. “Raiden, right on time.”
A second cry joins the first and Brian laughs while saying, “Darien, right on time.”
It’s hard to find the strength to untangle myself from Brian completely but I manage to do so and grab my robe. “Let’s just hope that Audrey isn’t ‘right on time’, tonight.”
“I’ll second that,” Brian says, pulling on his robe too.
I make my way to the nursery, trying to stay as quiet as possible. It’s a few minutes until 2 a.m. and the twins want fed. Unfortunately, the last week, Audrey has been waking up at 3 a.m. wanting to have a bottle too. She slept through the night for months, so this change has been tough for Brian and me.
Normally, we feed the twins pre-made bottles, change their diapers and by 2:30 they’re back asleep and so are we. But Audrey insists on Brian feeding her, me rocking her to sleep and its 4 a.m. before she’ll lie back down in her bed, only to wake up two hours later, insisting she’s had enough sleep. This has resulted in her being crappy through-out the day. The therapist warned us that she may start to feel jealous of the twins and we prepared for that, but I’d give anything to have her be jealous of them during the day than at three in the morning.
Brian and I part at the stairs and he goes down to warm the bottles while I go into the nursery. The moment I open the door both of their cries lower to whimpers. They’re so smart to already recognize that the creek of the door means that someone is about to ‘rescue’ them.
“Hi, Raiden,” I whisper, walking over to his crib. Tonight it’s his turn to be picked up first, that’s the only way I’ve learned to do it so that I don’t feel guilty about letting one of my sons cry longer than his brother.
Once Raiden is in my arms, I carefully maneuver myself to pick Darien up too. They’re so small but I know the day will come that it will be very hard to carry them both in my arms. “You’re such good boys,” I say, praising their silence, “waiting patiently for your Dad to bring you your food.”
I walk over to the rocker and slowly ease myself into the seat, hoping they don’t protest the motion. Darien starts to make a fuss, whining softly but as soon as I begin to rock back and forth, he calms down and closes his eyes. I close my eyes too and hum ‘Alien’ by Bush. I listened to a lot of their music while I was pregnant and the tune of any one of their songs calms them both. I think that even without the actual music and lyrics, they must recognize the songs.
“Justin?”
I open my eyes halfway through the song and see Brian standing in the doorway, the light coming in from the hallway making him a shadow. He walks closer to us and I see his face, smiling at us with such tenderness I should probably pinch myself to be sure, it isn’t a dream. “Hey.”
“You were almost asleep,” he comments, placing the bottles on the small table between the two rocking chairs.
“They’re like little teddy bears.”
“And zanex,” he adds, making me laugh.
“You’re Raiden tonight,” I whisper.
Brian collects Raiden from my arms, hands me one of the bottles and takes one for Raiden before sitting in the spare rocker. “It’ll be nice to see Julian and Brenda tomorrow. It’s been a long time.”
“Oh, I forgot to tell you they sent me an email. They decided to fly into Philly yesterday instead of trying to get a flight tomorrow, or I guess that’s actually today. Anyway, they’re getting here a little earlier, around 1:00.”
“Well that’ll work out better, all the kids will be napping except Leighton. It’ll give us some time to catch up before we start running around non-stop.”
“Is it weird that I’d rather catch up on sleep tomorrow instead of going out with them?” Seriously, I know it’d do Brian and me good to have an ‘adult’ night out but I would rather stay in and be with Brian alone.
“Once Molly has her baby, we’re not going to have too many opportunities to go out alone. Not only will we be losing a babysitter for a while, but Mom will have another grandchild she’ll surely be asked to watch. Once she and Frank are married we can count on her babysitting Amelia too.”
“My poor mother,” I joke.
“She’s never been happier.”
“Neither have I.”
***
Thursday, July 7, 1994
3rd Person Point of View
Brian took the apartment stairs two at a time and quickly unlocked the front door. “Justin?” he yelled, slamming the door closed.
Justin appeared in the hallway, having nearly had a heart attack from Brian’s loud entrance when he’d been quietly studying in their room. “What’s wrong?” he asked, taking a few steps down the hall.
Brian rushed toward Justin. “Nothing’s wrong! I got the fucking job!”
“Holy shit!” Justin launched himself into Brian’s arms. “That’s great! I knew you would get it. That Gardener guy would be an idiot not to hire you.” He pulled out of their embrace and grabbed Brian’s hand, leading them into their bedroom. “Come on, get out of that suit. We have to find something fabulous to wear. We’ve got to go out and celebrate!”
Brian felt high on life and as Justin began to strip, revealing his body to him, he couldn’t help himself. “We can celebrate here,” he said gruffly. His eyes devoured every bit of flesh Justin revealed as he got down to his ugly striped boxers. Justin was slightly bent sorting through his drawers and throwing clothes around, his round ass teasing him.
“We can’t have a fucking party here on a school night,” Justin admonished. “Griffin will flip if we do that again. Last time he went ape shit when you fucked that guy in the bathroom and had him moaning so loud it kept him awake all night.”
Brian shut and locked their bedroom door before grabbing Justin and hauling him up against his chest. “We don’t need to have a fucking party. We’re the fucking party.”
Justin felt like his bones melted as Brian pressed their mouths together. He could hardly breathe as Brian’s tongue eagerly swept through his mouth at the same time as his Brian roughly pushed him against the door.
“I’m going to fuck you so hard,” Brian whispered. “God, you want it, don’t you?”
Justin nodded and moaned as Brian’s lips attacked his neck. He wasn’t gentle as he pushed Brian’s suit jacket off him and then practically tore his shirt away. “Yes. Push your pants down. I want you to fuck me like I’m…”
“My whore?” Brian asked, stepping away slightly to undo his belt buckle and grab a condom from his pocket.
“Uhuh.” Justin’s mouth watered as Brian’s erection came into view. “Come on, Mr. Kinney.” Justin loved nothing more than playing these games with Brian. It was easier to suppress his real feelings this way.
“Jesus,” Brian groaned, stepping closer to Justin as he donned the lubed condom.
Justin wrapped his arms around Brian’s neck and lifted himself up, wrapping his legs around Brian’s waist. “Fuck me.’
Brian placed two of his fingers in Justin’s mouth and had him suck on them before shoving them between their bodies and awkwardly fucking Justin’s hole with them. All the while Justin’s mouth was doing damage on his chest, his neck and the little spot behind his ear, driving him insane with need. “You ready?”
“Mmmmhmm.” Justin gripped Brian’s hair in his hands as he felt Brian’s cock nudge his entrance.
Brian pressed Justin tight against the door as he slid slowly inside Justin’s ass. He rested for a moment, waiting for Justin’s labored breaths to normalize before he started pounding him, bouncing Justin on his cock and losing touch with reality.
***
Tuesday, January 1, 2008
Justin’s Point of View
“I can’t believe you two have so many kids,” Julian whispers to me, coming into the kitchen.
I find myself laughing. “It’s not a dirty secret.”
His face reddens and he stutters, “That’s… that’s n…not what I meant.”
I laugh and give him a ‘gotcha’ expression. “I know.”
“It’s just shocking.”
“It is? I thought you had some sort of sixth sense about Brian and me.”
“I did. That’s not to say I didn’t actually think he loved Griffin.”
“He did love Griffin.” God, this will never be more uncomfortable. “He and Griff’s marriage was much different than mine with Griffin. They shared something I’d never understand.”
“Yes, but you two… you’ve always been in love.” Julian grabs the box of dish soap and pours it into the tray in the dishwasher. This surprises me because the man has a butler and half a dozen housekeepers so I didn’t think he even knew where the soap went. “When he told me that he was with Griffin, that he was in love with him, I believed him.”
Jesus. This is why the past should stay in the past. “He did love Griffin.”
“I think he made himself believe that. I think he was in love with the idea that he could love someone that was so much like him.”
I almost drop the plate I’m placing in the drawer. “Griffin was nothing like Brian.”
“You didn’t think so, which probably made him appealing to you.”
“Julian,” I give him a stern look, “I’d rather not talk about this.”
“I know, it’s just that I…” he sighs sadly.
I get it. I do. “You’re trying to soothe a burn you’re in no position to tend to. But I appreciate that you care enough to try.”
“You two were always good to me and Brenda but I feel like I really fucked things up for both of you. If I would’ve…”
“No one’s to blame but me and Brian. We didn’t listen to anyone, not even ourselves.” I take a deep breath and assure him. “It still hurts, but that hurt will remind us that we can’t take one another for granted.”
“You’re a lot more optimistic than you were the last time I saw you.”
“The last time we got together I was in Chicago, miles away from my mother, alone with my child and far away from the man I loathed and loved.” Saying that aloud really makes me sound crazy, but Julian doesn’t seem to look shocked, he just looks sad. “Cheer up, Julian. Brian and I are together and we’re in love. That’s the way it’s going to stay.”
“But don’t you wish you could just turn back time and…”
“I can’t think that way,” I say, stopping him. “Julian, I love Audrey and Evelyn. They’re part of Brian and I love them just as much as I love my biological children. I would rather suffer a life without Brian forever than ever wish to have them not exist. Because they wouldn’t, not if Brian and I had listened to ourselves from the beginning.”
Julian gives me a huge smile. “You’re one of a kind, Justin.”
I smirk. “I know.”
“Dad! Dad!” Evelyn comes running into the kitchen and barrels into my legs, shaking with sobs. “My finger is bleeding! My finger is bleeding.”
I pick her up and set her on the island so I can inspect it. “What happened?” I ask of the tiny cut that is barely bleeding at all.
“It’s a paper cut!” she cries, burying her face against my shoulder. “Am I going to die?”
I take a deep breath at her words and look over at Julian. “Could you tell Brian I need him?”
“Yeah, sure,” he replies and leaves the kitchen quickly.
When he’s gone, I tilt Evvie’s chin up and look her in the eyes. “Evvie, you aren’t going to die. It’s just a tiny cut. We’ll wash it off, put a band-aid on it and you’ll be just fine.”
“I don’t wanna have to go to the hipstable,” she whimpers. “They’ll make me go away!”
For a child who didn’t have a parent die a year before, it would seem like they were just being overly dramatic, but that’s not the case with Evelyn. A few days ago, she overheard a conversation between Brian and Leighton regarding the fact that we’re coming up on the one-year anniversary of Griffin’s death. Since then she’s been terrified that she’s going to die or someone else she loves will.
The only person that can calm her down when she’s like this is Brian. I move her over to the sink and rinse her cut before putting a bandage on it. “You’re not going to be taken away, not even if you went to the hospital because you’re hurt,” I try to assure her.
“But I’m dying! It hurts and I’m dying!” Evvie insists, squeezing me tightly while she shakes fiercely in my arms.
“I’m sorry it hurts, sweetie, but I promise you, you’re not dying. No one is going to take you away.”
“What’s the matter, Ev?” Brian asks softly, walking into the kitchen and rounding the island to stand beside me.
“Dada, I’m dying!” Evvie yells, leaping into Brian’s arms. “It hurts to die. It does,” she says in a knowing whisper that sends chills down my spine.
Brian gives me a painful expression as he rubs his hands through Evvie’s hair. “You’re okay, Ev. You’re not going to die,” he lifts up her finger and inspects it, “especially not from a little cut. You didn’t even need a big bandage.”
“You sure?” she asks, looking from Brian and then to me and back again. “I don’t want to die.”
“I’m positive,” Brian says firmly, looking her in the eyes. “You will be okay.”
Evelyn stops her sobbing and starts hiccupping, still watching Brian with wide eyes. “Papa, papa died.”
“Yes, he did. But that was because Papa was very sick. He had cancer, remember we talked about this and Mira explained this to you too?” Brian’s voice is wobbly, I can tell he’s close to breaking down, but he’s fighting it.
“Yes, I ‘member what she said.”
“I love you, Evvie,” Brian tells her, tears ready to fall from his eyes. “You’re such a smart little girl.”
She smiles a tiny bit and looks over at me. “Justin…Dad, you love me too?”
“Of course I love you,” I assure her. I put my arm around Brian; kiss his cheek and then Evelyn’s. “Why don’t you go get the two dollies you want to take over to Daphne and Loren’s house? She’ll be here soon to pick you up.”
“Oh… okay,” she relents, still looking glum.
Brian places her on the floor and she slowly walks out of the kitchen, turning to look back at us once before disappearing down the hall. Brian practically collapses into my arms, squeezing me so close it’s hard for me to breathe, but I endure it until his grip lessens. “Do you think she’ll be okay?”
“I think we’ll make it as okay as it can be,” I answer. I think that’s all we can do with all parts of life, really. We just have to make it as good as possible.
Brian shakes himself as he steps out of my arms. “Do you need any help?” he asks.
“I’m about finished,” I tell him while packing the cooler to take to my mother’s house. “Go hang out with Julian and Brenda.”
“Don’t you need to get ready?” he asks.
“Have we ever decided where we’re going? I won’t know what to wear until we decide that.” Brian is wearing a black short sleeved ribbed sweater and a pair of jeans, it’s an outfit that will be appropriate no matter where we go, but I’m still carrying my pregnancy weight and depending on where we’re going I’m going to have to find just the right clothing to hide the belly I still have.
“Well, Brenda is all for going to Babylon but Julian isn’t completely convinced.”
“Then go work your ad man magic and get him convinced,” I say. If I’m going to go out tonight, I’m going to have the best time I can and that most definitely means us going dancing at a gay bar. “I might fall asleep if we have to go to a straight bar or something.”
Brian kisses my nose and grins. “I’ll do my best.”
***
1995
3rd Person Point of View
The party was going on full blast at Brenda’s house. It was better than any sorority bash or all-night fraternity kegger that Daphne had ever attended. Rich gorgeous men hit on her all night. But even the hottest guy, Loren, who she’d given her number to, couldn’t distract her from her worrying. She wasn’t spying, she was waiting to use the bathroom, or so she told herself. It’s not as if they would know that the other ten bathrooms were not occupied.
When her beer was half-gone, the bathroom door creaked and Daphne came face to face with a ‘fucked-silly’ Justin and Brian. She grabbed Justin’s arm as he shyly tried slip past her and led him into the sex-smelly bathroom. “Come with me while I pee,” she ordered.
Justin groaned but allowed himself to be pulled away from Brian back into the bathroom. “Why do girls always need someone to go pee with them?” he asked.
“Because it’s where we gossip.” Daphne thrust her beer into Justin’s hand and took the opportunity to relive herself.
“You have gossip?” Justin asked, sitting on the countertop. The image of Brian fucking him on it ran through his mind and he smiled.
“Yeah. Guess who it’s about?”
Justin hopped off the counter to let Daphne wash her hands as he thought. “Julian? Becca? September?”
“Nope. It’s about you and Brian.”
Justin laughed and rolled his eyes. “People are always gossiping about us.”
“Yeah, and for some reason none of your friends but me actually know that you two fuck.”
Justin had the nerve to blush. “What does that matter?”
“It’s just weird. Everyone thinks you two are star-crossed lovers that have been hit by a stupid ray.”
Justin laughed hard, partly because of how ridiculous that seemed and partly because he was drunk off beer and Brian’s cock. “Uhmm… what?”
“How is it that you two manage to fuck in practically plain view of all your friends and yet no one realizes it, but yet they totally realize that you two are in love with one another?”
“We’re not in love with one another, Daphne.” Justin was only half-lying. Of course, he’d been in love with Brian since he met the boy but that didn’t mean Brian was in love with him. He wasn’t stupid, he knew that what they did together was for fun and that was all it was.
“Well it’s getting preposterous, Justin!” Daphne grabbed her beer back and took a long swig before explaining, “I’ve been designated to get you two together.”
“That’s never going to happen.”
“Yeah, that’s what I said. Except, I actually know that you two have been sleeping together for what, at least two years now?”
“You’ve been keeping track?”
“Shut up,” Daphne muttered. “You two don’t realize it, but you’re really fucking up your relationship.”
“Uhuh… right.”
“You are and you know it. You’re in love with him, Justin.”
Justin bit his lips and shrugged. “So?”
“So? So what? Are you going to just let Brian use you and…”
“He doesn’t use me!” Justin interrupted, angry at the accusation. “I’m not a naïve idiot. Brian doesn’t use me and he doesn’t take advantage of me, which is what I know you’re suggesting.”
“I think you both are taking advantage of each other, which is probably worse.”
“I really don’t know why our sex life is any of your business,” Justin huffed. “Because it’s really not.”
“It is because I don’t want to see you get hurt. If you and Brian would be in a relationship then maybe it wouldn’t seem so weird that you two carry on a secret fucking relationship behind everyone’s backs.”
“I don’t give a shit if it’s weird to you or to our friends, Daphne.” Justin turned and opened the bathroom door.
“Justin, wait I just don’t want you to get hurt. You’ve got to stop…”
“Drop it,” Justin begged angrily. “Just drop it.”
“I can’t,” Daphne pleaded, “I care about what happens to you two.”
“Well so do I and I know what we’re doing!” Justin practically fled down the hall.
As Daphne stepped out and saw Justin, her heart sank. Griffin was trying to engage Justin in a conversation, his eyes were sparkling as he talked to Justin but Justin’s attention wasn’t on him, it was on Brian, who was busy talking to a hunk that had given Daphne his number. She watched Griffin and realized that he was oblivious to what Brian and Justin shared. If he knew, then he probably wouldn’t be so obvious in his love and admiration for Justin. Daphne shook her head and drank the rest of her beer, realizing that she’d said as much as she could. Brian and Justin were in a mess she couldn’t help get them out of and hoped that they would wise up before it was too late.
***
Saturday, June 14, 2008
Brian’s Point of View
In January, when Julian and Brenda came to visit they put out the idea that our family should plan a trip to visit them in Hawaii. With the twins just having been born neither, Justin or I could imagine going on a vacation. At the time, our household had little structure as we were all trying to adjust to all the changes that had taken place in the last year. In the six months since that time, life has become much easier.
We all still go to family therapy and the children’s therapist, Mira, has helped immensely. Evvie’s ‘freak outs’ about life and death dissipated a few months ago and Leighton’s anger toward me and Justin has become nonexistent. Audrey is thriving, walking, talking and learning from Evvie how to be a good big sister.
Letters from Griffin come about every other month for the children. Leighton reads his by himself and unless he wants to share something with us, he usually keeps it to himself. He also reads Evvie’s letters to her and they share their bond with Griffin together while doing so. I trust that whatever Griffin has written them doesn’t make them sad, as they’re usually happy after they’ve read them. Besides the letter we received on Audrey’s first birthday, we don’t have another one for her but I often read her the poetry he wrote for her as he we look at pictures of him. I don’t know how much she understands about Griffin but I think she knows that he is someone special to all of us.
Mom and Frank are the reason we decided to take a vacation. They planned to be married in Florida, but when I mentioned that to Julian, he insisted that if she was going to have a ‘destination’ wedding that it had to be in Hawaii. They worked out all the details together about the ceremony, which is taking place at ‘Ohana, the newest and most beautiful of all the hotel and resorts Julian and Brenda own.
This vacation is truly a dream for everyone. Our whole family has come to Hawaii to see Mom and Frank tie the knot. They’ve decided not to have anyone in the wedding but the two of them because if they appointed spots they wouldn’t have anyone there that wasn’t in the wedding party.
I knock on the door to Mom’s suite and call, “Five minutes until we need to start walking down to the beach.”
“We’ll be out in a minute,” Justin calls back from behind the door. “Mom lost her earring.”
Even though there isn’t anyone in the wedding party, she has asked Justin and me to walk with her down the ‘aisle’. She didn’t want to leave Molly out, but Molly assured her that it was fine with her and that one day when she meets the man of her dreams she’ll probably be asking the same thing of us.
Molly gave birth to Mabry Gabrielle almost three months ago. Her pregnancy was very healthy so she remained working at Kinnetik until only a few weeks before her due date. She wanted to save as much money as she could and with my mother’s help, she ended up moving into a small two-bedroom house not far from where Justin and I live. She only had a few days to go before Mabry was born when she moved so Justin and I spent any free time we had going to her house with the kids and helping her get set-up for the baby. Once we were done, the baby had a beautiful nursery and from the baby shower and Mom’s insane spending, she had everything possible she’d need for the baby.
However, the only things Molly had in the place for her use was a café table with two chairs she found at a garage sale, a television, a recliner and two standing lamps. Naturally, I couldn’t stand to see my little sister living like that so while she was in the hospital I arranged to have her home decorated. Justin has insisted that I stop renovating and re-styling our house for at least another five years, so it was fun to do Molly’s little house for her. She of course loved it and insisted that I dock her pay to once she returns to Kinnetik, but that’s definitely not going to happen. She’s going to need every penny she earns to raise Mabry alone.
We tried our best to help Molly find a way to locate Mabry’s father but we reached dead end after dead end. Molly even called the hotel to see if they still had security footage of the date she was there with him, but they’d already deleted it. Really, I don’t know what she would’ve done had they still had the tape. So now, she is completely on her own and the birth certificate had to list the father as unknown. It’s going to be tough once Mabry gets older and asks about her father, maybe tougher than it will be for my kids.
It’s also very worrisome to know nothing about the father’s genetic health. But I’m not too sure Mabry got much from her father, she is a spitting image of her mother but also looks a lot like Raiden, Darien and Leighton when we compare them at the same ages. Justin thinks that he doesn’t look like our children, but when Mabry is beside them, I see his likeness in them even more.
Finally, the suite door opens, revealing Mom and Justin who both have tear-filled eyes. I’d guess that there never was a lost earring, they were both probably trying to get their emotions in check and didn’t want me making fun of them for being the total saps that they are.
“We’re ready,’ Mom announces, smiling.
“You look beautiful,” I tell her and give her a kiss on her cheek.
“What about me?” Justin teases, straightening his suit.
I kiss his lips quickly and reply, “You look gorgeous.”
“Come on, you two,” she says when we start to kiss a little more heavily. “This isn’t your wedding.”
We both start cracking up laughing, happy to see so much excitement from her. “No,” I admit, “but this is our honeymoon.”
***
Wednesday, April 30, 2003
“She has a crush on you,” Griffin innocently commented to Justin as he took Evelyn from Justin’s arms.
Justin forced himself to smile up at his ex husband and joked, “Who could blame her?”
“Who could?” Griffin whispered and turned to put her in the highchair.
Justin felt his cheeks flaming in reaction to Griffin’s words and the pent-up tension within him. He still couldn’t believe he’d agreed to fly back to Pittsburgh for Evelyn’s birthday.
“Having fun?” Brian asked from beside Justin.
Justin cut Brian a quick glance but only nodded in answer. It was a lie, they both knew it, and just as they both knew that Brian had asked a pointless question. Justin was miserable. He had planned to stay at his mother’s house, have her take Leighton to Evvie’s 1st birthday party herself, but then Leighton got clingy and began to cry. He had begged for him to also go and Justin couldn’t say no. So here he was, watching Griffin and Brian together playing happy family.
He wanted to die.
“Can I have the elephant, Papa?” Leighton asked, following Griffin out of the kitchen to the dining room.
Griffin placed the large zoo themed cake on the table. “Sure, buddy.” He looked over to Brian and asked, “Can you get Evvie’s little cake?”
“Yup.” Brian slipped past Justin and went into the kitchen.
Evelyn was trying to tear her pink ‘I’m 1’ bib off her neck. “All done!” she announced, then slapped the tray with her hands. “All done!”
“Don’t you want to blow out your candles?” Griffin asked his daughter.
Evvie really didn’t have any idea what that would entail so she shook her head ‘no’ and slapped the tray once again. “All done.”
Brian reappeared with a tiny round pink cake that had a number 1 candle placed in the middle of it. “Where should I put it?”
“Light the candle on the table and then I’ll hold her hands so she doesn’t go after the flame once you place it on her tray.”
“I wanna help blow the candle out!” Leighton declared, pulling on the bottom of Griffin’s shirt. “Can I? Can I?”
“Let your sister try to do it first,” Griffin told the boy.
“Okay, Papa.” Leighton walked over beside Evelyn’s high chair and spoke softly to her. “You try your best, Evvie. But if you can’t do it, I’ll help. Big brothers help their little sisters ya’ know.”
“You’re right about that,” Brian said, ruffling Leighton’s hair.
Justin bit his lip and looked away from Brian and Leighton. For fifteen years, Brian had been his big brother, always looking out for him, always helping when he needed it, even if at times Brian hadn’t wanted to. A painful wave of nostalgia encompassed him and he could barely find his voice to join everyone as they began to sing, “Happy Birthday” to Evelyn.
***
Saturday, August 9, 2008
Brian’s Point of View
“No way,” Leighton places his hands on hips and shakes his head, “I can’t wear <i>that</i> to school Dad!”
I almost break out in laughter when I see the expression on Justin’s face but manage to quell it.
Justin waves the Batman t-shirt in the air and asks, “Why not? I thought you loved Batman. Just two years ago you had a Batman back pack!”
“That was like a long time ago, Dad. I can’t go to junior high in that. I’ll get my butt kicked!”
“Brian, will you please tell your son that Batman is cool no matter how old you are?” Justin demands.
Shit. I’m in major shit here. There’s no way I can tell my kid that. He’s probably right. He probably will get his ass kicked if he shows up to school in that. Before I can say anything, Justin reads my expression.
“Fine,” he huffs, hanging the shirt back up on the rack. “You take Evvie, Audrey and Leighton. Pick out clothes for Leighton and Evelyn since I obviously have no idea what is cool for ‘big’ kids. I’m going to take the boys with me and I’ll shop for Audrey too. They won’t complain about what I pick out.”
I almost tell him that he shouldn’t be so sure about Audrey; she’s been picking out what she wants to wear for months now. “All right.”
“But Daddy, I wanna go with you and the babies,” Evvie cries, pulling on Justin’s pant leg. “I want you to pick out my clothes!”
Justin looks like he’s about to lose it. Sure, Leighton has been meticulous today, but going to Junior High is a big deal and Leighton has a good fashion sense now, I don’t want to hinder that with character shirts and cargo pants. Evvie however doesn’t care what she wears, as long as it’s girly, so she’ll be easy. “You’re staying with me, sweetie,” I tell her. “You’ve always liked shopping with me.”
“I don’t wanna,” she huffs, crossing her arms and glaring at me.
“Evvie, Dada will get you pretty clothes,” Justin tries to assure her.
Justin has Darien and Raiden in a twin stroller, thankfully, they are sleeping peacefully, but I have Audrey in the shopping cart that I’m pushing and she begins to whine too, always imitating her big sister. It looks like we’re two seconds from a meltdown if I don’t stop it fast. “How about we save Evvie’s shopping for tomorrow and you two can go out together alone? I’ll stay home with the boys. Audrey you and Dad can have a day to yourselves. How does that sound?”
“Okay!” Evvie says her mood a complete change. She looks at Justin who also looks to be calming down. “Just me and you?”
Justin smiles at her and agrees, “Yup, just you and me.”
Audrey starts to relax now too and looks up at me and parrots, “Jus you n’ me.”
I kiss her nose and nod. “And Leighton and Evvie, “I tell her.
Crisis averted.
“Now this, this is cool!” Leighton declares, holding up a blue shirt with a skateboard on the front.
Okay, so perhaps this fashion thing is going to take some work.
***
Tuesday, January 4, 2005
3rd Person Point of View
“I was so stupid!” Griffin yelled, slamming Brian’s office door behind him.
Brian bolted up from his chair and quickly walked around his desk toward Griffin. “What happened?”
Griffin pushed Brian away from him and paced before him. “I didn’t want to tell you, I kept thinking it’d be okay. If I didn’t tell you, it’d be okay.”
“What?” Brian had never seen Griffin so freaked out. He was usually calm and level headed, but now he looked like he was about to jump out of his skin. “What didn’t you want to tell me?”
“I was at an appointment with a doctor, Brian.”
“What do you mean?” Brian asked worriedly. “I thought you were having lunch with Raymond Miller.”
“I wasn’t ever supposed to have lunch with Miller.”
Brian put his hands on Griffin’s shoulders and stopped him from pacing. “Tell me what’s going on? Why the fuck did you see a doctor? You’re scaring the shit out of me.”
Griffin looked at Brian’s chin, unable to meet his eyes. “I was feeling like shit at the end of October and I went to see the doctor then, too. I’d been so tired, nauseous and…” Griffin stepped back and away from Brian, but now looked into his eyes. “We haven’t been careful, not every time. After my miscarriage last May, you said you wanted to try again when I was ready. I figured if it happened it’d be okay even if we weren’t thinking about it all the time.”
Brian smiled softly, feeling joy and relief replace his worry. “It is okay,” he promised.
A sob escaped and Griffin took a deep breath to stifle any more while wiping his eyes. “It isn’t, okay.”
Brian gulped down his disappointment. “Well it doesn’t have to happen now. Your body probably needs more time to recover.”
“I’m not going to recover,” Griffin whispered. “I wasn’t pregnant. I may not ever be able to get pregnant again.”
Brian moved once again to take Griffin into his arms and this time his husband let him hold him. “That’s okay, Griffin. We have Evelyn and Leighton, they’re enough.”
“You don’t understand,” Griffin wept, “there’s more to it than that.” He looked into Brian’s eyes and spoke through his weeping, “They’ve been running tests on me and today they confirmed it.”
“Confirmed what?” Brian asked hesitantly.
Griffin’s entire body shook as he sagged against Brian. “I was so stupid. It wasn’t a fucking baby making me sick. God I wish it was and now I might not ever have that chance again.”
“You never know,” Brian countered. “There’s so many procedures they can do now. I don’t care how much IVF costs. We can try that if you want to be pregnant otherwise maybe I…”
“No, Brian,” Griffin interrupted. “You don’t understand. It was cancer! Cancer was making me sick. I have cancer and it’s… it’s aggressive. They found a…”
Brian zoned out then. He didn’t mean to, but the painful ringing in his ears drowned out Griffin’s voice.
***
Thursday, November 27, 2008
Justin’s Point of View
I don’t breathe another lover
I’m practically frozen, but the kids don’t seem to notice how cold it is outside. I swear they’re invincible when it comes to hot or cold weather, they’ll play outside in it until they’re at risk of heatstroke or frostbite.
Audrey, Leighton and Evelyn are helping me build a snowman, which is going to end up being taller than me. We’re definitely going to need Brian’s help if we’re going to get the head on. The three of them are rolling it toward me from the other end of the backyard. The sight is one of the most hilarious sights I’ve seen in a long time and I have to laugh at them, quietly of course or Leighton would get mad, he hates feeling embarrassed. They all have heavy-duty snowsuits on, which makes the task harder because they can hardly move in them. Thick scarves wrapped around their faces muffle their grunts of exertion and Leighton’s directions of how to keep the ball packed together.
I hear a click from the garage’s back door and soon I see Brian pulling a sled behind him. The only things visible I can see of the twins are their eyes and for the first time they are completely indistinguishable to me. Not only has Brian put them in their snowsuits, ski masks, boots, scarves, hats and mittens, but I think they must have two sets of clothes on underneath it all. They look so fat and wobbly but manage to hold their balance sitting in the sled as he pulls it toward me.
“Don’t give me that look,” Brian says in a playful defensive tone, “it’s freezing out here.”
It’s a struggle to stand up from the ground with all the layers I have on so I grab onto Brian’s leg for support and he gets the hint and helps to pull me up. “You’re right, I am freezing. Thankfully we’re almost done.” I remove the scarf from around my mouth and kiss his still warm cheek.
“Well, we could just call it the headless snowman,” he teases.
“Yeah right,” I reply. “Look at them out there working hard. They’d kill us if we told them it was time to go in.”
Both of the boys start babbling loudly and I look down to watch them as they look up at the sky. It’s been snowing on and off for two weeks now, but I guess they haven’t gotten to actually experience the snowflakes falling.
Brian and I both kneel down in front of them and I watch as Brian moves his hands in the air, wiggling his fingers and signing to the twins. “Snow,” he tells them aloud. Their eyes follow his movements and he says it again, “Snow.”
“Who is who?” I ask. Everything they are wearing was bought by my mother and she bought everything the same so there really is no way of telling.
“I don’t know,” Brian laughs, “I really don’t know.”
I start laughing too and the boys stare at me, obviously thinking I’m crazy. “We’re horrible parents,” I jokingly tell them. “We have no idea who you are.”
“I think this is Darien,” Brian guesses, handing our son closest to him a tiny ball of snow.
The baby immediately tries to put it to his mouth but the mask stops his attempt, so instead he tries to smash it between his hands. Our other son starts grunting and does his best to mimic the sign for ‘snow’ while wearing mittens, so I hand him some too.
“We should just ask Leighton, apparently he always knows,” I suggest as the three ‘big’ kids roll the huge ball of snow to us.
“Ask me what?” Leighton says breathlessly.
“The babies look so cute!” Evvie wails, sitting down beside me. “You are so cute!”
Audrey tumbles into Brian’s lap and points at the big ball of snow they rolled to us. “His head,” she tells him.
“Your dad forgot who is who,” I tell Leighton, “and I can’t tell either.”
Leighton erupts into laughter and kneels down beside me, inspecting the babies. He points to his brother closest to me. “That’s Darien,” he says confidently and pointing to his other brother, “that’s Raiden.”
“You’re sure?” I ask, impressed.
“Yup. Darien has a little freckle that you can barely see on his eyelid. Look.”
Brian and I look and I immediately see it. “You were wrong, Dad.”
Brian shrugs, “Yeah, well you didn’t even know a freckle existed.”
I roll my eyes and push Evvie up. “Come on; let’s have Dad put the head on.”
“Yes!” Evvie shouts. “Then we can decorate him.”
“This isn’t a Christmas tree,” Leighton says all-knowingly.
“Eyes,” Audrey says.
“Uhuh, he needs some eyes, doesn’t he?” Brian asks her. “All right, everyone back up and let me see if I can lift this thing.”
I grab the pull on the sled and slide the twins out of the way in case he drops it and Leighton, Audrey and Evvie come to stand near me too.
“You can do it, Dad,” Leighton encourages after Brian practically drops the thing.
I cross my fingers inside my mittens, hoping that Brian doesn’t drop it as he struggles to get the head onto the body. Finally, he accomplishes it and we all cheer for him.
“I get to do the nose!” Leighton calls out, grabbing the frozen carrot sitting in the snow. Brian has to lift him up so he can reach the face and he jams it into the center.
“Good job,” Brian tells him, letting him down. “Who’s next?”
“Eyes!” Audrey exclaims, running over to grab the two large black buttons. Brian picks her up and helps her put them into the snowman’s head. They’re a little lopsided, but we all tell her she did a great job.
“Me now!” Evvie declares, grabbing the five small red buttons. Brian lifts her up and waits as she makes a smile on the snowman.
“Now that’s a snowman,” I say, “but he’s missing something.”
“He needs arms,” Leighton says, taking off running. “Come on guys, let’s go find sticks.”
Audrey tries to run as fast as she can after him but seeing she’s having trouble Leighton comes back and picks her up, keeping pace with Evvie.
“He’s missing something else,” Brian tells me, unwrapping his scarf from around his neck.
“You’re going to freeze, and that thing is Armani!” I say, trying to stop him. I just know he’s going to bitch about it all winter if he does this.
“Well we can’t have a horribly dressed snowman in our yard, can we?” Brian smirks at me and wraps the black and red striped scarf around the snowman’s neck. “There.”
Raiden and Darien start gabbing loudly, looking at the snowman, apparently they like it. “Our snowman really doesn’t have to have designer clothing,” I tell the twins as if they can understand me. “And neither do you.”
Brian puts his arm around me and starts kissing my nose and then my eyelids and I start to warm up from the inside out. “I love you, even if you have no taste.”
I just laugh against his mouth and open mine so I can taste him. “I beg to differ,” I murmur. It doesn’t matter how much clothing we have separating our bodies, I can tell that just from tasting my mouth he’s hot for me and loves my taste just as much as I love his.
Today’s Thanksgiving and soon, we’ll be back inside, rushing to get all seven of us ready to head to my mother’s house for a fabulous feast. The day will be over before I know it, probably before I can think about what I’m thankful for.
I break apart from Brian and grab the pull for the sled, his hand covers mine and we walk backward in the snow. The twins start laughing as we both tumble backward and land on our backs, staring up at the snow falling and then facing each other. I hear Leighton, Evvie and Audrey’s laughter further away, and the twins are laughing even harder, pleased with our sudden drop to the ground. I start laughing too and then Brian starts laughing and we stare at each other, laughing so hard we can barely catch our breath.
I notice that Brian's hand is still wrapped over mine and when I look back at him I feel like my heart might burst if I loved him any more than I do now. I know he feels the same way about me and that just makes my heart beat even faster.
These simple moments, this laughter and love I feel for Brian, for my kids, and the love I get in return from them, it’s what I’m most thankful for. Every moment that led to this, to us being who we are right at this moment, they may not have all been good, but we’re here, lying on a pillow of snow, smiling at one another and feeling lighter than air. I’ll remember times like this stronger than I’ll remember past hurts. I know that there were points we had to make it to, things that had to happen; all of it had to go perfectly, just so I could be here beside him, with our children’s laughter as our soundtrack to this moment. This moment in which I feel so thankful for everything given to me.
Maybe other people would look at my life differently and wonder how I could be so happy. I guess I don’t have any defense except to say, that’s their point of view and this mine. I’m the happiest man alive because when I was five I met my best friend and soul mate and when the time was right, we fell in love forever. I guess since then, I’ve slowly become a bit of an optimist, but I’m proud to say, that’s my point of view.
THE END
Return to
Point of View