The Christmas Eves

Chapter Three "Past Forward"

 

"Merry Christmas Eve, Dada!"

"Merry Cwissmiss Eve, Dada!"

"Merry Christmas Eve, Brian," Justin laughed at Brian's startled expression.

Brian bolted up in bed and looked around. "What the fuck is going on?" he asked, shaking his head and rubbing the sleep from his eyes.

"Brian," Justin admonished with a laugh. He loved the way Brian looked in the mornings, so innocent and unaware of the world around him.

"Justin?"

"Hey, sleepyhead." Justin stood beside the bed holding a silver tray.

"What's going on?" Brian asked again, opening and closing his eyes repeatedly. He wondered if it would clear the vision or perhaps the hallucination he was sure he was experiencing.

"It’s time for your bweakfast, Dada," Reaghan told him. The little boy smiled at his father, his dark hazel eyes glittering in the sunlight that was coming in from the bedroom windows.

"We made it for you with Daddy," Zaira chimed in. She pushed her messy bangs behind her head and then Brian could see his daughter’s sparkling blues shining with life.

Brian took a deep breath and let it out slowly. He couldn’t quite believe that his children were alive and standing before him! Not only his kids but Justin was alive too, smiling at him and looking as real as he had the last day he’d seen him. Brian realized it was the last day that he’d seen his family alive. The Christmas Eve from last year was happening again. Alternatively, he wondered if maybe it had all been one horrible nightmare. His memories were foggy and he wasn't sure what to think.

"Sit up, Dada," Justin instructed Brian. He gave Brian a look that asked if Brian was okay. He could tell that his husband had gone from feeling shocked to what now seemed fearful.

Brian nodded at Justin, not knowing what else to do or say. He sat up against the headboard and cleared his dry, parched throat. He managed to give the children a small smile as he did. "Come give me kisses first before I eat this breakfast you wonderful chefs made me," Brian directed his kids. He wanted to feel his children in the flesh to make sure they were truly real. He ignored Justin's look of worry and helped Reaghan and Zaira climb up onto the bed beside him.

Brian let the feel of Reaghan nestling into his chest and Zaira curled into his side under his arm seep into his tortured soul. It made him believe that his babies were okay and that nothing bad had happened to them. He sighed in relief, realizing that it had all been one long, elaborate and horrible nightmare.

He grabbed the children closer to him. Zaira and Reaghan both loved to cuddle and they took advantage of their father’s extra affection, leaning in and rubbing their faces against his neck as they’d done since infancy. Brian leaned his head down and nuzzled against them too. He breathed in the smell of Reaghan's and then Zaira's hair and combed his fingers through it. Closing his eyes, he let out a long, deep sigh of relief.

Justin watched Brian carefully. His husband was acting very strange. He'd expected Brian to tell him he wasn't hungry and then make a run for the bathroom to shower and head off to work, but his children insisted on making their Dada breakfast and Justin was too tired of arguing with them to tell them no. It was Christmas Eve too; he wanted to make the day special and so he gave into them, hoping that Christmas magic would find its way into Brian’s heart.

It seemed by the looks of Brian that it had. However, Justin wasn’t entirely convinced. Brian held them differently, acted differently than he normally did and not because he seemed happy. It was very rare for him to spend time in the mornings cuddling with the kids and today Brian seemed to be over the top. He kept looking at Zaira and then at Reaghan with an expression that chilled Justin to the bone. "Are you okay?" Justin asked, making Brian turn to look at him.

Brian blinked again and turned to look at Justin. He gave his husband a big smile. "Of course." Brian knew there was no way he could tell Justin what he was really thinking.

"Come cuddle, Daddy," Reaghan said, reaching a hand out to Justin.

Justin shook his head and tried to smile. "No, your Dada needs to eat his eggs before they get cold. Why don't you guys go into the playroom and watch cartoons? I'm sure there are some Christmas ones on this morning. Go look at the schedule we made hanging by the T.V."

Zaira popped up from Brian’s embrace, thrilled at the idea of watching cartoons she’d probably seen at least a dozen times that year. "Frosty is gonna be on. I remember now, Daddy. I almost forgot," she shouted before turning to Brian and giving him a kiss on his cheek. The little girl hopped out of the bed and ran past Justin.

Reaghan sat up. Encouraged by his sister’s excitement, he shouted, "Fwosty!" He too kissed Brian’s cheek and soon followed his big sister out of their parents’ bedroom.

Brian laughed and looked at Justin, patting the bed beside him, "Well, aren't you going to come cuddle with me now that the babes are at play?"

Justin's eyes went wide. "What?" He pushed the food tray into Brian’s hands and stepped back from the bed, his face reddened with mixed surprise and anger.

"Guess not," Brian commented softly. He picked up the silverware on the tray and started to cut into his eggs, frowning.

Justin sighed. "Brian, please don’t..."

"Don't what, Sunshine?" Brian asked confused.

Justin turned away from Brian and began to mutter under his breath. He ignored his husband and headed into the bathroom.

Brian sighed to himself. Justin was angry with him. Justin had been angry with him for a while; a little cuddling wasn't going to make things right.

Nevertheless, he knew that he would make things right. He wouldn't allow what he was sure was only an intense nightmare of life come true. Brian figured that he may not be able to fix his relationship with Justin or the kids right away, but he would at least make sure that Justin and the kids wouldn't be driving to Kinnetik that night. He would make sure that he left the lunch meeting and didn't go back to his office. He would meet Justin at Debbie's and everything would be okay.

He looked over at the clock and saw that he needed to start getting ready for the meeting with the interviewer.

He arranged the dirty dishes on his tray and saw the red envelope tucked underneath the plate. His hands shook as he grabbed it. His world started to crash around him as he realized it hadn't been a dream at all. He knew what was inside that letter.

The last year of his life after his family's death came into focus, making the tray shake in his hands. It had been real. This card was proof of that; the breakfast and the way Justin and the kids acted wasn’t a coincidence. Brian realized that somehow he had come back to that day. He had a chance to change it all.

"Brian?" Justin came out of the bathroom, his blond hair darkened from the water, a red terry cloth robe hugged around his body.

Brian sat the whole tray down on the nightstand and jerked himself out of bed. "Justin,” he cried out his husband’s name, feeling the reality of his husband’s and children’s deaths deep inside him. His emotions went wild as he walked up to Justin and took the reluctant man into his arms. "Oh god, I'm sorry."

"Brian," Justin whispered his husband’s name. Confused, he pulled out of Brian’s arms and backed away from him, asking, "What's the matter with you?"

Brian shook his head and ran his hands through his hair. He couldn't just tell Justin. He knew that because of the way things were going with them, Justin couldn’t trust him. He wouldn’t believe him and he’d think he was nuts. He couldn’t do that, couldn’t add to the other problems that were so huge he wasn’t sure where to begin to rectify them. Brian couldn’t risk Justin walking out on him if he thought he was lying. He'd have to do something to make sure his family would be safe for the night. Brian knew that he could at least solve that.

"Listen, I just... I need you to call your mother," Brian deadpanned.

"What? Why?" Justin asked Brian. “What’s going on? You are freaking me out.”

"I need to take the SUV today. The Vette was sounding funny and I don't want to risk driving it into town today," Brian told him. “I know you love driving it.”

"That's what you're sorry about?" Justin asked, clearly pissed off.

"No, I uh..." Brian wasn't sure what to say. He didn't think that Justin would want to listen to anything that came out of his mouth. He felt as if he was going crazy and he was sure that Justin probably thought he was.

"Never mind," Justin told him, going over to the dresser and grabbing his clothes. "I'll tell her to come out here and pick me and the kids up." Justin pulled on a pair of sweatpants under the robe and turned to Brian, his face red with anger. “Will that work for you?”

Brian watched, wondering when exactly Justin had started wearing his own sweatpants and not Brian’s. His thoughts of how distant he felt from Justin occupied him until the younger man stalked out of the room and closed the door behind him. Brian shook his head at himself. He’d been so caught up in his own thoughts he didn’t even answer his blond. However, he knew it was a rhetorical question and Justin had only asked because he was pissed off. Brian kicked himself for not acknowledging his husband. He knew he probably looked stupid staring at him. He sighed and thought, At least he won't be driving anywhere.
 

***
 

Brian found the children in their playroom on the couch watching Frosty. He stared at them for a few moments before alerting them to his presence, "Hey kiddos, come give me hugs and kisses goodbye."

Zaira and Reaghan rushed over to him and he knelt on the ground and took them into his arms.

"We don't want you to go to work today," Zaira told him with a pout.

Reaghan nodded his head in agreement, reaching up to play with Brian's freshly styled hair.

Brian sighed. "I promise I'll meet you guys at Grandma Debbie's this afternoon." He kissed both of their cheeks and hugged them tightly.

"I love you, Dada," Zaira said. "See you later."

"Later, Dada, love you too!" Reaghan said happily and squeezed his little arms around Brian's neck.

Brian felt himself choke with emotion but swallowed it down, "Grandma Jen is going to be here soon to pick up you and Daddy."

"Are we gonna go to her hotel for presents?" Zaira asked.

Brian shook his head, remembering that Justin and the kids were supposed to do that before going to Debbie's house. "I think she'll be bringing them with her here. You’ll have to ask Daddy. I want you to be good for him.”

“We will,” Reaghan and Zaira told their father in unison.

Brian smiled, “Remember that Santa Claus comes tonight." He gave his children one last kiss, feeling eyes on him as he turned toward the door.

Brian saw Justin standing in the doorway watching him with a far-away expression. He smiled softly at his husband as he rose and walked over to him. "I'll see you at Debbie's in a couple of hours."

Justin nodded his head, his expression changing as his emotions sparked. He stepped out into the hallway and walked with Brian down the stairs. "Make sure you show up."

"I will. I promise," Brian told him, leaning down and kissing Justin's cheek.

Justin wanted the contact, craved it, so he turned his face and connected his lips with Brian's mouth.

They stood in the hall kissing for a few minutes, their hands running up and down one another’s backs and through their hair.

"I don't want to leave you," Brian told Justin when they broke for air.

Justin looked up at him with surprise and restrained hope in his eyes, "Then don't."

Brian groaned to himself and stepped away, going to collect his coat from the hall closet. He wanted to stay but he knew that if he did then he would ruin their future. "I have to," he said finally. He turned to see that Justin was already gone.
 

***
 

Brian was in the middle of his interview when he felt his cell phone vibrate in his pocket. He tried to ignore it at first and go on with the meeting, but when it wouldn't stop, he quickly made an excuse. He walked briskly into the bathroom of the restaurant to take the call. He saw that it was Debbie’s number on the caller ID, "Hello?"

"Brian?" Debbie's voice rang out in a worried tone.

Brian immediately felt dread creep into his body and leaned against the sinks and found his voice to answer, "Yeah?"

"I...I… Jennifer… everyone has been trying to call you." Debbie’s words broke off. She sobbed, "She was in a car accident, Brian."

"Debbie, what are you talking about?" he whispered, feeling his world fall and blackness come into his vision.

"Justin and the kids were hurt badly, they, they didn't make it," Debbie's voice followed Brian into the blackness he was enveloped in as his heart broke once again.
 

***
 

"Merry Christmas Eve, Dada!"

"Merry Cwissmiss Eve, Dada!"

"Merry Christmas Eve, Brian," Justin laughed at Brian's startled green gaze.


Brian bolted up in bed and looked around. "What the fuck is going on," he asked, shaking his head and rubbing the sleep from his eyes.

"Brian," Justin admonished with a laugh. He loved the way Brian looked in the mornings, so innocent and unaware of the world around him.

"Justin?"

"Hey, sleepyhead." Justin stood beside the bed holding a silver tray.

"What's going on?" Brian asked again, opening and closing his eyes repeatedly. He wondered if it would clear the vision or perhaps the hallucination he was sure he was experiencing…..again.
 

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