Endeavor
Chapter Eleven: November

All things are difficult before they are easy. - Thomas Fuller

Brian had left the land of denial weeks ago and was currently trying to figure out how to go about leasing property in Justinland. Yes, he was completely aware that he wanted Justin; he wanted to be with him, fuck him and even wake up with him beside him. It wasn’t so bad waking up with Justin the few times they’d done that. Justin was all sleepy-warm and Brian pervishly enjoyed feeling Justin’s morning wood rub against his hip or thigh, depending on how Justin moved. Brian was sure it’d be even better if Justin woke him with a morning blowjob or by riding his morning woody. He’d really like that and he was sure that after he made love to fucked Justin for the first time, Justin would be a natural at it. Brian was sure that Justin would beg Brian to fuck him all the time if he could just fuck him once.

Brian didn’t know exactly how to go about actually fucking Justin. Sure, he could probably appeal to Justin’s slutty side while he was drunk and Justin just might let them make the mistake, but he’d regret it in the morning. Brian would rather be friends with Justin than have Justin feel guilty after they fucked and run back to Eric, begging his forgiveness and most likely never speaking to Brian again unless it was necessary to at work, that is if he didn’t quit. He didn’t want Justin to cheat on Eric, didn’t want them fucking to be the reason that Justin left Eric to be with him and he definitely didn’t want to lose their friendship. Brian was about fifty-one percent sure that Justin would leave Eric to be with him, under the right circumstances but those odds weren’t very good.

He wasn’t sure how Justin felt about him. It was very junior high school and Brian had even considered asking Michael to grill Justin about him when they’d all been out together on Halloween. That had been in a weak, drunk moment wherein the request never passed his lips, halted only by Justin grabbing his hands and pulling him away from the bar to go dance.

They danced all night long, only stopping for short drink breaks before they were back on the dance floor, laughing and grinding all night long. Brian didn’t ever want to leave and not once did he or Justin take advantage of the many offers they had thrown their way. The music, lights, beer and glitter were enough. But Brian didn’t know if it was really enough for Justin. He had been acutely aware all night that the only reason Justin was with him was because Eric had previously agreed to chaperon the high school’s Halloween dance.

They had to leave earlier than their usual nights spent at Babylon because the next day was a work day. They ended up taking a cab back to Justin’s apartment and when Brian fumbled with getting the sofa bed to pull out; Justin told Brian not to worry about it, helped him out of his leathers and covered him with his soft down blanket. Brian had fallen asleep before he saw Justin take off angel wings and his dreams were filled with silly romantic dances with a blond angel.

They were both so tired the next morning that they barely spoke to one another, peacefully going on with their morning routine as if they hadn’t spent the whole night before with their hard dicks rubbing against each other. Brian had to be dropped off at Babylon to pick up the Jeep and he didn’t see Justin until lunchtime. By that point, Brian had a migraine and was in a horrible mood. He was prepared to cancel all of his appointments and go home when Justin strolled into his office with a huge smile on his face.

It was nothing short of amazing how Brian’s migraine evaporated as Justin’s smooth voice began to relay a joke to him while his fingers massaged Brian’s temples. Brian had his head leaning back in his chair and was looking at Justin upside down as he rattled on about a priest, a hooker and an elf. It was at that moment that Brian knew he wanted Justin and wouldn’t stop wanting him. He wouldn’t stop wanting Justin to be the one that made his bad day into a good one. He laughed aloud at his pathetic musings but Justin had thought that Brian was laughing at his joke and Brian didn’t tell him otherwise.

So here Brian was weeks later, wanting someone who already had a someone, and he was clueless as to how he should proceed.

“Brian, it’s Thanksgiving. You can get over yourself and eat some fucking pie,” Justin ordered as he handed Brian a soapy plate for him to rinse.

“You tell him, Sunshine,” Debbie encouraged as she left the kitchen with a fresh pot of coffee in one hand and a tray of mugs in the other.

“I had vanilla ice cream, yesterday. I’ve met my fat quota for the week,” Brian insisted.

Justin bumped Brian’s hip with his own. “You made me buy that non-fat shit, so you can’t use that excuse. Do you really want my mom and Debbie to feel bad when you don’t eat their pies?”

“It’s not going to make anyone feel bad.”

“I know you want it,” Justin said. “Why do you insist on denying yourself something you want when just a little wouldn’t hurt you in the least?”

Brian shook his head at the irony and placed the last dish in the strainer to air dry. “I’m going out for a smoke,” he said quickly, wiping his hands on a towel and taking off out the back door.
 

*****

“Roll over.”

“I want to see you.”

“You will,” Brian spoke against Justin’s shoulder. His hand lazily drifted up and down Justin’s back, teasing the crack of Justin’s ass with his thumb on every pass. “First, I want to get rid of one of your ‘I nevers’. Then we’ll get to the other one.”

As Brian’s body lifted off him, Justin rolled onto his knees and looked back at Brian. “How do you want me?”

“Curl your face down on the pillows,” Brian directed, “spread your legs wide...wider.” He tested the arrangement, looking through Justin’s legs. “If you can, lift up a little bit more so your head hangs down more.”

Justin felt all his blood rushing into his ears, but he was sure that wouldn’t be the case in a few minutes. “Like this,” he asked, seeing Brian’s face between his legs.

“Perfect,” Brian praised, his warm hands rubbing Justin’s thighs. “I want to see your face as much as possible while I eat your ass.”

Brian’s blunt words sparked need inside Justin’s core and he bucked his hips backward, his ass rubbing against Brian’s stubbly face. “Please…” he begged in frustration. He knew that Brian probably intended to position him in such a manner that he wouldn’t be able to support himself and stroke his cock at the same time. “Touch me.” He wiggled his cock but only humped cool air.

“I am touching you, Justin.” Brian continued his massage on Justin’s thighs, bringing his hands all the way down to his calves and then down to his feet.

Justin grunted, desperately horny and needing the unknown. “Please, touch my cock and…” He sighed as Brian’s tongue began to paint his skin, first the bottom of his middle toes and gliding up his foot, over his heel and pausing to bite the back of his ankle. “Jesus!”

“Tell me what you want, Justin. Say it,” Brian encouraged before giving Justin’s other foot and ankle equal treatment.

Justin’s toes curled and he wanted to close his eyes but he wanted to watch Brian even more. “Please rim me,” he said quickly.

“Where do you want my tongue, Justin?”

“Brian!”

“Where? Tell me. I bet you almost feel me there right now, don’t you?”

“Yes,” Justin admitted in a moan. “I do.”

“Then tell me where you want my tongue.”

“I want your tongue in my ass!” Justin shouted. “Please.”

“Why?” Brian smiled at him.

“Brian, you know why!”

“Tell me.”

“I want you to rim me; I want to know what it feels like to have your tongue inside my ass. I want you to tongue my hole, Brian.”

Brian gave Justin a devilish smirk and abandoned licking his right thigh. His hands spread Justin’s ass cheeks and he blew on his hole.

“Please,” Justin whimpered. There was no fear, nothing holding him back from wanting Brian to touch him there, suck on his skin there, and stick his tongue inside of him and then his cock. “Please, eat my ass, Brian.”

“You dirty little slut,” Brian spoke so close to Justin’s hole, but his lips didn’t touch him. “You’re my slut, aren’t you, Justin?”

“Yes!” The anticipation kept Justin still; he was breathing slowly, could feel his hole twitching and…

“Don’t it always seem to go
That you don’t know what you’ve got
Till it’s gone
They paved paradise
And put up a parking lot”

Justin was startled awake by the loud song signaling that Eric was calling him much too early on a Saturday morning. He moaned loudly as he looked around for the phone, sadly it wasn’t the kind of moaning he’d been doing in his dream. And what kind of fucked up dream was that, anyway?

Being unexpectedly abducted from the land of Briantonguemyass and plunked into the land of reality after a night of drinking vodka, mildly putting it, Justin was disoriented. He scrambled out of his bed as the next verse of the song began to play and he cursed Joni Mitchell’s existence as well as his own for not setting his phone to vibrate before he passed out. Justin spotted his phone sticking out of his pants which were draped over the chest on the other side of the room and stumbled out of his bed. His hard-on slapped against his stomach as he raced to stop the music from playing any longer.

He didn’t realize it until he made a grab for the phone, but his hand was covered in come. He promptly wiped his hand down his bare chest and flipped open the phone. “Yeah?”

“Well good morning to you, too.”

Justin glanced at his clock and then assessed himself while trying to focus on the conversation. “Why are you calling me at eight o’clock in the morning?”

“I wanted to call you before you made plans with Brian.”

Justin looked around his room as if Brian would magically appear. He then remembered. “Brian isn’t here. He and Michael had a sleep over with Gus and Jenny last night.”

“You didn’t go?” Eric asked.

“Why would I?” Justin aimlessly walked around the bedroom. “Brian and Michael are their fathers.”

“You do everything else with Brian, including spending time with Gus while he is.”

“Okay, so what did you want?” Justin asked.

“I wanted to make plans for us today before you made plans with Brian.”

Justin's eyes landed on a tube of Yellow Ochre then he saw a tube of Burnt Umber and he thought about if he had enough Titanium White and a dozen other colors he knew he would need to paint the image his fucked up psyche had tortured him into conjuring. He had to create it, even if he hated himself for it, even if the final product would end up being burnt in the alley behind his building. He had to transfer the need he felt into the canvas, or he might not ever be rid of it.

Justin sprang into action, throwing open the cabinets and surveying his tools inside. “Eric, I…I… I can’t do anything today.” He grabbed the crate his smaller unused canvases were in and dumped them onto the floor.

“What was that? Are you all right?” Eric asked worried.

“I’m fine. It was just canvases. Nothing to worry about.” Justin started to throw paint, paintbrushes, thinner, solvent, wax paper, and mini pallets into the crate.

“So you’re painting,” Eric said in an uncertain voice. “That’s good.”

“Can I call you later… no… not later. Tomorrow. Will tomorrow be okay?”

“Uh…uhm… I guess. Remember to stop and take a break every now and then.”

“I will. Bye.” Justin threw his phone. It’d go dead in a few hours and with the music he planned on blasting, he doubted he’d hear it ring if it didn’t. He had tunnel vision as he gathered the most important item, the canvas. It was a medium sized canvas that he’d started to sketch something on a long time before, an image that he couldn’t recall. It would easily be covered by the oil paint and by the image he just couldn’t forget.
 

*****

Justin had painted in his living room, bedroom and dining room and moved back and forth again and again. He went where the light captured that moment’s feelings or that spot on the canvas’ emotions. Each drop of paint that coated his skin tugged on the strings wound around his heart until they were shaken off and all Justin could do was accept the tumbling emotions and stroke them onto the canvas.

He was in the living room, his back to the windows so the painting would absorb as much Sunday morning light as it could. When the sun had started to rise that morning, Justin finished the painting by applying one small dab of paint on top of larger ones in the middle of a perfectly toned chest. He’d paced the hallway, made circles around the dining table and smoked a half a pack of cigarettes while waiting for the need to stare at his creation to dissipate.

It didn’t. It refused to and around eleven o’clock Justin stood a few steps back and he finally accepted what he’d created. He waited for that other need to go away, the one that made him paint it in the first place. He wished for distraction much in the same way he used to wish for it years ago after his father had died.

Back then, he’d wanted one day that he wouldn’t have to remember the man. He didn’t want apologies from people he didn’t know. He didn’t want Daphne to get a boyfriend and move into the dorms while he still lived in the burbs with his mom and little sister. He hated when his grandfather or some other male who was close to his dad would say ‘you’re the man of the house now’. He wanted to ask them if they’d still think that if they knew that the only reason he wanted a man in the house was so he could take him to his bedroom and fuck him or suck him. Justin didn’t like the praise he got from so many people about how well he was adjusting to the aftermath of his father’s death. He wanted to tell them that besides him having to spend all the time he wasn’t at school fixing his dad’s fuck ups at the store so they could sell it, things were better now that he was gone. He thought about how much better they were all the time.

A couple weeks after school started at CMU Daphne invited him to her roommate’s boyfriend’s frat party. He hadn’t wanted to go, but his mother found out about it and encouraged him to attend. The party was so hetero-boring that it did nothing to distract him from what bothered him.

But then, out of nowhere was Eric Rockford, looking just as bored and as in need of a distraction as he was. Justin had fucked a couple guys before, one in the bathroom of the art gallery his mom always took him to, another in CMU’s cafeteria bathroom and another in a theatre geek’s dorm room. Those fucks had been fast, no time to linger and find out anything more. Justin had liked that.

Until Eric. Fucking Eric was so different and not because he was a virgin. There was a connection of raw vulnerability they shared, feelings Justin painted onto Eric’s skin while he slowly fucked him. As Eric held onto Justin with his arms and legs, begged him to stay inside of him for a few more minutes once they’d come, Justin had felt like he didn’t need to search for distraction any more.

Justin was a dirty, raunchy mess when Eric banged on his door a little after eleven. Actually, the music in the living room was up so loud Justin couldn’t be sure when the knocking had started; he’d only heard it because the CD had changed songs. He quickly opened the door to him and invited him in.

Eric shut the door behind him, gave Justin an innocent smile and grabbed his crotch. “I figured you could use some distraction!” he yelled over the music.

Eric would provide what Justin could use, but only a different man could provide what Justin needed to hold onto. Sometimes being comfortably distracted trumped taking a risk and finding inspiration. At least that’s what Justin told himself as he led Eric down the hall, the loud music fading until it was just background noise once they reached his bedroom.
 

*****

Brian could hear the music from out in the hallway of Justin’s apartment building. He’d been calling him for a day and a half and had only got his voicemail. It wasn’t his place to be pissed, and Justin definitely didn’t answer to him, but it would’ve been nice to know that the reason Justin wasn’t answering his phone was because he was lost in the world of creativity. Once inside Justin’s apartment, the loud techno beat rattled Brian’s bones. He knew he couldn’t just shut it off, which would be worse than just interrupting Justin while he painted. From the looks of the spotless kitchen, Brian was glad he’d gone to check on Justin because it was obvious he hadn’t had anything to eat.

He walked down the hall and turned toward the living room, expecting to see Justin there since that’s where the music was coming from. Justin wasn’t there, but Brian saw a canvas sitting on the easel which was positioned in the middle of the room. He couldn’t fight the temptation he felt, needing to see what it was Justin had painted.

When he finally navigated his way around the supplies spread about the floor and came face to face with the painting his heart coiled in on itself so tightly that Brian was sure he was having a heart attack. But as quickly as that feeling came upon him, just as quickly his heart expanded and beat so fast and hard he wondered if it was going to burst out of his chest. Seconds later numbness followed which allowed Brian to breathe and his heart slowed down to a normal pace.

Brian wasn’t sure if what had just happened to him was normal, and once he got feeling back, a heady rush of tingly euphoria, much like what occurred within him directly after an orgasm, took over. It was ridiculous and foreign for Brian to experience such a cluttered mess of emotions simply because of a painting. It wasn’t just any painting though and he knew that. Justin had painted him in a pose that he’d never sat for; it had come from Justin’s imagination.

The painting banished all of Brian’s doubts and it was time for Justin to confirm it. He carefully picked the painting up and went in search of Justin, intending to show him the truth so that Justin could not deny it. But as he reached Justin’s half-open door his body went through another myriad of emotions.

Justin was fucking Eric.

“God, Justin!” Eric gasped as he wrapped his legs tighter around Justin’s hips. “You feel amazing inside of me. It’s been such a long time since I’ve felt like you’ve loved me while you fucked me. I love you, Justin. I love you.”

Brian could hardly hold onto the painting as he practically ran down the hall and back into the living room. He quickly placed the painting on the easel and ran back into the kitchen, at first intending on leaving, but then stopped himself and began to pace as he thought through what it was he needed to do. If he left, he could pretend like he’d never seen the painting, pretend like he never heard the words that Eric had spoken. But Brian wasn’t a fucking coward and he wasn’t going to run away.

He opened the front door…
 

*****

Half-way into their fuck, the feeling that he was engaging in infidelity crept under Justin’s skin and his inspiration fizzled. Eric was the person he was supposed to have under him; it was supposed to be right. He wasn’t supposed to feel guilt and betrayal while he was inside Eric. Eric knew how to please him, he knew how to move with him, squeeze his ass around his cock just the right way, at the right time. Fucking and getting one another off was second nature with them. Except this time it didn’t feel like that for Justin. He was clumsy, there was no rhythm, and no matter how hard he tried to grab it, his dick refused to remain erect, slipping out of Eric too many times to count.

Eric didn’t seem to notice his fumbling or care if he had. He was content having Justin fuck him no matter how it happened. Justin knew that he was betraying Eric and Brian both when he did it. But he had to, to keep his erection, to keep Eric from being hurt any worse than he would be. Justin closed his eyes and imagined that it was Brian’s body he was thrusting into, it was Brian’s moans he heard in his ears and it was Brian’s voice calling his name, it was the unbearable tightness of Brian’s ass which made him lose control. He came hard, and he opened his eyes as he did and his reality was in front of him, leaving him no time to enjoy his orgasm.

“Justin?”

Justin opened his eyes and he heard Brian calling his name at the same time as Eric said his name softly, looking up at him with worried eyes. It hadn’t been his imagination; Brian had actually been calling his name.

The music stopped and he heard Brian yell his name again. “Stay out there!” Justin yelled, pulling out of Eric as gently as he could. “Eric’s here,” he informed, knowing that otherwise Brian would probably just come in his room anyway.

“All right,” Brian yelled back.

Eric pulled the covers around him; he’d never seen Justin come without warning so quickly, especially while fucking him and without making sure that he came first. He knew that Brian’s calling Justin’s name triggered his boyfriend’s orgasm and by the guilt clouding Justin’s face, he knew that Justin knew it. “Make him leave,” he demanded quietly.

Justin was so angry with himself and he knew that Eric was pissed, had every right to be pissed at him, but that made his own anger build. “Eric… just please stay here. I’ll be right back.” He grabbed a pair of boxers, slipped them on and marched down the hallway. He found Brian in the kitchen, raiding his fridge and taking the last beer.

“Hey,” Brian said casually before taking a sip of his beer. He wished that Justin had something much stronger.

“What the fuck are you doing here?” he hissed angrily.

Brian leaned against the countertop and tried to address Justin in a calm manner, he really hadn’t planned on dealing with a pissy Justin. “You weren’t answering your phone and I wanted to check on you.” It wasn’t a total lie because that had been his original intention in going over to Justin’s apartment.

“Yeah well you can’t just fucking come in my house whenever you want to!” Justin placed his hands inches away from Brian’s hips on the counter, trapping him against it.

Brian wasn’t sure why Justin was behaving like an asshole, but he wasn’t going to take being screamed at and shoved around. He grabbed the key from his pocket and held it in front of Justin’s face. “How the fuck was I supposed to know you’ve suddenly changed your rules after giving me this?”

Justin stepped even closer to Brian, leaving little space between their bodies. His brain was running on very little sleep and he had no idea why, but all the anger and confusion he was feeling was pouring out into anger for Brian. It was technically Brian’s fault; he’d made Justin fall in love with him when he was supposed to love another man. “Maybe you should give me the key back so that you don’t interrupt me fucking my boyfriend ever again.”

Brian and Justin were silent; breathing heated breaths against one another’s faces as the front of their bodies were pressed tightly against each other.

Eric knew that if he didn’t alert them to his presence that he’d have to watch them kiss with as much passion as he’d just watched them fight with. “I’m going to get dressed and I’m leaving.” It was all Eric could think of to say before he turned and started back down the hallway.

Justin jumped away from Brian and ran after Eric. “Eric… you don’t have to leave.”

“Yes. I do. I should’ve left you a long time ago.” Eric had known for months that he and Justin were on a different page, it was only now that he realized they weren’t even in the same fucking book.

Justin heard the front door slam and he knew that Brian had left, probably never to return after the way he’d behaved toward him. He wanted to go after him, but…

“Go on, go after him!” Eric yelled, reading Justin’s expression. “I can get dressed on my own.”

“I don’t want to go after him,” Justin lied, following Eric into his bedroom.

Eric turned around and laughed. “Do you think I’m an idiot? Do you think that I don’t have eyes or something?”

“Of course not. Eric, I…”

“Your dick was soft when you went in there to head him off so that he wouldn’t see us together. You know he’s in love with you and you’re in love with him. You didn’t want him to be hurt if he saw us fucking.”

“That’s not true.” Justin hadn’t consciously done that but now as Eric said it, it actually did seem true.

Eric shook out his shirt, hitting Justin in the chest as he tried to put his arms around him. “Do you love Brian?”

“No!” Justin said quickly, much too quickly.

Eric shook his head sadly and backed further away from Justin as he continued to dress. “Do you have anything of yours at my place you need to get?” He actually knew the answer but he needed Justin to know it too.

Justin couldn’t think of one item he’d ever kept at Eric’s. Before Eric moved into the Green Complex last year, Justin had kept a lot of things at Eric’s house. When Eric was moving he’d put all of Justin’s things in a duffle bag and they piled whatever they could in Justin’s SUV. But Justin never took the bag of his things into Eric’s new apartment; it stayed in his trunk for weeks until Justin finally brought it home. He didn’t feel comfortable at Eric’s new place, no matter how comfortable he was with Eric, so he rarely stayed the night and had no need to have any of his belongings in his apartment.

Eric laughed bitterly. “You can’t think of one fucking thing you have there, can you?”

“No,” Justin answered.

“Then there’s no reason we need to see one another again. Is there?” Eric brushed past Justin and made his way to the front door.

Justin ran after Eric, meeting him in the kitchen. “Of course there is a reason for us to see each other, Eric. This is just... I’ve been feeling strange; I’m exhausted and I can’t think straight.”

“Justin. Answer me this,” Eric gritted out between his clenched teeth.

“What, Eric?”

“Why can I look around your home and point out at least a dozen things here that are Brian’s? He even has a toothbrush here; you told me that so I’d know not to use it in case I thought you bought it for me.”

“You have a toothbrush here too. Just like I have one at your place.”

“Those are the only fucking things we have at one another’s places!” Eric yelled, walking over to the kitchen cabinets. He opened the top cabinet and pulled out a bag of coffee. “You fucking hate hazelnut. You HATE it, I hate it and I saw you make it for him when you knew he was coming over to work with you last week.” Eric walked over to the fridge, opened it and pointed inside. “Guava juice, pears, avocadoes... you don’t snack on fruit. Brian brought that shit here for him. He shops and brings half his groceries here and half to his house, you told me so yourself. That’s fucked up!”

“That doesn’t mean anything, Eric. So what? He has to have snacks here when we’re working. He’s really particular about what he eats.”

“I couldn’t give a shit about what he eats but obviously you do! It’s just fine for Brian to eat healthy, to keep healthy food in your home. I make veggie lasagna and you make fun of me for being a ‘health freak’. You never seem to remember that I hate white wine and have to ask me what I prefer, red or white, every time we go out to eat or you bring some over.” Eric stalked into the living room and picked up a Gucci belt from the back of the couch. “This has been here for weeks. I know it isn’t yours. Neither is the designer robe on the back of your bathroom door, the leather jacket in the hall closet or the designer jeans, sweaters, tank, underwear and socks in the dresser in your bedroom.

Justin mentally went through all the other things of Brian’s he had at his apartment that Eric hadn’t noticed or chose not to list. Then he began thinking of everything of his own that was at Brian’s.

No matter how far apart they’d drifted, Eric could still easily read Justin’s expression. “I know there’s more here and I know you probably have tons of your stuff at his place.”

Justin thought of a dozen little things, like emergency allergy meds, a set of paints, a few sketchbooks, a couple sweaters, shorts for when he got hot, a few extra pairs of underwear and some socks... “That doesn’t mean anything.” Justin placed his hand on Eric’s shoulder but it was roughly shaken off.

“Why are you doing this? You know you love him and you can’t love me! If eight years together can’t make you love me, then nothing will. You know that whatever it is I wanted for us when we first met isn’t going to happen. I’ve known that for a long time. I actually thought about breaking up with you when you told me that you didn’t want to move in with me.”

“Then why didn’t you? If you were so wise and knew we weren’t going to fit into your fairytale, why didn’t you just break up with me?”

“You feel guilty because you know that for the last, what, at least six months, you’ve been in love with Brian. You think that you were doing me a favor by staying with me?”

“That’s not why I stayed,” Justin defended. “I wanted you.”

“No, you didn’t want me. You wanted easy. It was never hard to be with you. But you know what they say, ‘nothing worth fighting for is ever easy’. There was nothing worth fighting for during our eight years together and there isn’t anything worth fighting for now.”

“You’re the one that’s taking the easy way out,” Justin said. “You’re ending us with a fucking cliché.”

“Oh, no. The cliché was you falling in love with your boss and staying with me because I was convenient.” Eric kissed Justin’s forehead and whispered. “But don’t worry too much, Justin; after awhile you became convenient for me too.”

Justin said nothing else to stop Eric from leaving. There was nothing he could think of to say that would make anything better between them. He felt like crying, but didn’t have the energy.

Justin locked the front door, putting the chain lock on too just in case Brian did come back. He needed to talk to Daphne. On his way to his bedroom Justin’s eye caught the easel in the living room and he noticed that the canvas wasn’t sitting the way it had been when he’d finished it. Upon inspection he was surprised to see that the painting had not only been moved, but it was placed upside down.

At first, Justin thought that maybe Eric had seen it before he’d interrupted his and Brian’s fight in the kitchen, but he was sure that Eric would’ve used the painting as evidence that he was in love with Brian. It was obvious that Brian had been the one to move it; he knew that he’d definitely been in the living room when he turned the music down. Justin wondered why Brian would turn it upside down so carelessly. None of it made sense, except that Brian hadn’t run screaming when he so obviously saw how he felt about him. However, maybe he hadn’t wanted to embarrass him and wanted to pretend like he’d never seen it at all.

Justin didn’t have any of the answers to his questions. With frustration and confusion egging him on, he quickly searched his bedroom for where he’d thrown his cell phone. He found it dead, lying underneath his paint stained shirt, plugged it into the charger beside his bed and called Daphne the moment the display lit up.

“I am not in love with my boss!”

“What? Who?”

“Brian Kinney! My boss! I’m not in love with him!”

“Uhh... okay. Obviously I know who your boss is, I was just a little confused by your outburst.”

“Sorry, I’m freaking out here, Daph.”

“Calm down, it’ll be okay. Is Eric jealous of Brian or something?”

“He’s not jealous, we broke up.”

“When? Why didn’t you tell me?”

“We broke up like two seconds ago. I’m telling you now.”

“So, you broke up because he thinks you’re in love with Brian?”

“We broke up because he came in and I think he caught us fucking and that combined with me yelling at him and that is probably why he left.”

“You fucked your boss!”

“No!”

“Then who was fucking who?”

“I was fucking Eric and I think Brian saw it and he started yelling my name and I had this amazing orgasm while I was fucking Eric, but I was imagining that I was fucking Brian and then I came out of the bedroom and we started fighting.”

“You and Eric?”

“Me and Brian.”

“Brian?”

“Yes! Are you listening?”

“I’m fucking listening, but you’re insane.”

“I know. I’ve gone completely off the deep end, Daphne. I don’t know what the fuck I was doing! I’m the world’s biggest asshole!”

“Justin, stop with the pity part and explain it to me slowly. You are saying that Brian is mad because he saw you fucking Eric?”

“Yes.”

“Why is Brian mad?”

“I don’t know.”

“Because you yelled at him?”

“Yes.”

“Why?”

“Because he used his key to come in and I stupidly took all my anger out on him.”

“And why did you and Eric break up?”

“Because he saw Brian and I fighting.”

“I doubt that’s the reason.”

“Fuck! Why did I call you? I’m even more confused now.”

“You called me so that you could tell me you’re not in love with your boss even though you are.”

“I’m not!”

“Uh huh. So what happened that made you and Eric break up? You’re confusing me too, Justin.”

“I told you, Brian and I were fighting.”

“Why would he break up with you if you were fighting with Brian?”

“Probably because he had every right not to want us to be friends.”

“How good of friends have you two become?”

“We’re good friends,” Justin said, hesitating, “the best.”

“And what do you two do together?” Daphne had known this day would come, but obviously Justin needed it all put out in front of him to actually get it.

“You know what we do together, Daphne.”

“So, I want you to tell me again.”

“We go clubbing.”

“Define clubbing.”

“You know what goes on in a club, Daphne!”

“So you two fuck?”

“No! You know I would tell you if we had. I told you we hadn’t!”

“Right, but you pick up tricks together and dance together. And you two stay the night at one another’s places and sometimes you even sleep in the same bed. Am I right?”

“Yes, but what I feel for Brian doesn’t matter. I’ve never acted on it. We’re just friends.”

“Who work, fuck and technically sleep together.”

“Shut up.”

“Who get pissed because they felt bad that they were caught fucking their convenient ‘semi-boyfriend’.

“That’s exactly what Eric said.”

“And that’s probably what happened.”

“No, Daphne. I can’t be that guy. I’m not that horrible of a person.”

Daphne said softly, “You are that guy. But you can’t choose who you fall in love with. You aren’t a horrible person; you just kept yourself in a horrible situation. You can deny it until you’re blue in the face. But the truth is, you love Brian. You practically told me you did a few minutes ago and I’m sure you’ve known it for a long time.

“I have?”

“I’m sure of it. You called me because you knew that I would tell you that you need to get over whatever it is that’s holding you back. You need to admit that you love him.”

“I don’t.”

“You do.”

“I couldn’t!”

“You do.”

“But… but Brian’s like totally annoying! He keeps his loft too cold, he drives too fast in the rain, his closet is far too organized, he works too hard, doesn’t keep any appointment unless it’s with a client, he has an ego that knows no bounds and he’s....”

Daphne interrupted him with a bout of laughter. “Would you shut up?”

“Daphne! I’m in crisis mode here.”

“This is why you need me to translate what you just said.” Daphne cleared her throat and talked in a deep voice to imitate Justin, “Brian is totally infuriating because I’m in love with him. I get cold when I’m at his designer loft but I stay there anyway because I’d rather be uncomfortable than be anywhere else. I worry about him when he drives too fast in the rain and especially when doesn’t keep his doctor’s appointments.”

“Are you done, Daphne?”

“Nope.”

“Fuck.”

“So, you also love his kid since you spend almost as much time with him as Brian does. You totally worry about him working too hard and his ego rivals your own which I’m sure you absolutely love! You like dancing, hanging out with him, working with him and fucking beside him because it’s as close as you can get without actually fucking him because that would mean you actually have to take your friendship...”

“If you say to a different level I’m kicking your ass.”

“Well you’ll have to come to Philly to do it.”

“Bitch.”

“It’s true.”

“That you’re a bitch.”

“You’re on thin ice, Justin!”

“Sorry.”

“You’re afraid of A) him rejecting you because you’re already as close as you can be without actually being partners, B) because you’d rather live your life alone than risk building a meaningful relationship with anyone. Which is why you and Eric never moved in together, why you never said ‘I love you’ and why you’re hating me so much right now for being more ballsy and truthful than you ever could be in the past.”

“I hate you.”

“You love Brian Kinney. You soooo love him!”

“Fuck. You.”

“So if you were worried about him catching you fucking Eric then obviously you must think he has some feelings for you.”

“We’re not breeders, Daph. The only feelings Brian has for me...”

“Shut up and just go for it.”

“Yeah, right. That’ll be a good way to get me fired. Coming on to the boss.”

“So, he just left when you and Eric started fighting or something?”

“Yes, Eric said he was leaving and I went after him and Brian left. When we were fighting I basically acted like a complete psycho because I was pissed at myself.”

“There’s some honesty,” Daphne complimented. “Maybe Brian was jealous and didn’t want to hear you begging Eric to stay.”

“How do you know I…”

“Because you can’t let go.”

“Yeah.”

“I really think that Brian left more because he was jealous and less because of your little fight.”

“It wasn’t exactly a little fight. If Eric hadn’t interrupted us it probably would’ve come to blows.”

“I doubt that, unless you mean blowjobs.”

“That’s probably what Eric thought.”

“So Brian is jealous.”

“That’s impossible. Brian’s fucking gorgeous and he’d never…”

“Are you seriously about to dumb your pretty down? If so, then you MUST be in love! Finally! A man who Justin Taylor thinks is better than he is!”

“I don’t think he’s better. More like equal.”

“That says it all, Justin.”

“Fuck.”

“You want to know what you have to do?”

“No and I don’t have a fucking clue.”

“Well I’m going to tell you.”

“Oh, god.”

“You go to his house and tell him you quit.”

“I’m not going to quit just because I’m in love with him and he doesn’t love me!”

Daphne laughed triumphantly.

“What?”

“You just said you were in love with him.”

“Fuck you! So what?”

“So he might love you. I think you’ve confused yourself into thinking that he doesn’t love you. But I also know you’ve been considering it. I bet you sat around considering it before you even called me.”

Justin so wasn’t going to tell her she was right. “Brian doesn’t believe in love.”

“He has a kid, I’m sure he loves him. I doubt you’d love him if he didn’t love his kid.”

“Why must you be so smart?”

“I was born that way. And I’m right. Brian believes in love.”

“So what.”

“So he may believe that he loves you, too.”

“Yeah, right. He’d never tell me even if he did.”

“You don’t need to hear it. You just need to feel it.”

“This is so high school romance crap.”

“You’re going to find out if he loves you.”

“How?”

“Tell him you quit.”

“What? Why?”

“I’m sure you’ll be able to feel whatever it is he does feel for you when you do.”

“Like fucking hatred at leaving his company on short notice when we’re in the process of a company expansion?”

“Like agony for you leaving him.”

“Doubt it.”

“What’s it gonna hurt if you try?”

“Duh, like I’d lose my job!”

“No, you won’t.”

“How do you know? You can’t know that.”

“If he doesn’t love you, could you actually imagine working with him every day now that you’ve admitted to yourself that you love him? It’s all you’ll think about.”

“Fuck.”

“It’s true.”

“I hate it when you’re right.”

“You love it. That’s why you called.”

“Okay.”

“Okay. Call me in a few days.”

“Why in a few days?”

“If he does love you, knowing you sluts, you’ll be having a fuck fest and won’t have the time to call me.”

 

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