No More Mio Amore

Chapter Three: Strength and Chance

 

Thursday September 16, 1999

“You want to give Gus Viagra?” Brian said, flabbergasted at the thought.

“It’s a relatively new treatment. I know it sounds wild, it does to every parent who we suggest this to,” Dr. Rhine told him.

“I read the information but it just seems really far-fetched,” Brian admitted.

“Mr. Kinney, as Gus’ respiratory specialist I can not urge you enough to consent with this,” Dr. Hayes added.

“But, you have no way of knowing what the lasting effects may have on Gus. None,” Brian’s voice was broken and tired. He ran his hands through his hair and then over his face, trying his hardest to not be over taken by his emotions. However, all he really wanted to do was break down and cry from all the frustration.

 

****
 

The last two weeks had been the toughest days of Brian’s entire life. Yet, it had also just seemed like one long day. He slept in the ‘Daddy’ chair most nights beside his son’s incubator, if he slept at all. Brian did not make it to Lindsay and Melanie’s funeral. That morning had been the first time he almost lost Gus and he could not bring himself to leave the baby. He knew that Lindsay would understand.

The last two weeks were also the toughest of Gus’ life. The first night of his life Gus had not had any major scares or problems, but nearly every other night Gus would be in one form of stress or another. His body was fighting against everything the medical team was doing to keep him alive. He had to be resuscitated twice now and earlier that day his breathing had stopped because one of his lungs had collapsed. Blood was building up and not traveling anywhere else in his body. Oxygen was not helping because his tiny blood vessels were too immature and not opening enough to allow the pass through of the oxygen.

Brian left the hospital once a day. Mikey would pick him up after work in Brian’s jeep. The jeep was with Michael because Brian was barely using it and because Brian was usually in a daze when he was not in the hospital. His mind was constantly on Gus and pretty much, nothing else. There was no way he could actually drive himself.

Michael would have already picked up dinner from the diner or they would re-heat food Debbie would send with him. A couple of days a week Debbie, Ted, or Emmett would come and Brian would spend the majority of his time away from Gus, talking about Gus.

Both Brian and Cynthia had taken a leave of absence at Ryder. Marty Ryder was supportive and even gave them both pay, though he expected that Brian and Cynthia would be back to work by the end of the month.

Neither employees were confident of that happening though. They couldn’t imagine leaving Gus and focusing on work. Let alone the fact that Brian could not imagine leaving Gus for any longer than the two or three hours he was gone each day. He knew there was not any way he would be able to do his job and go on while he was worried about his son. He left almost everything that did not directly affect Gus up to his friends or to Cynthia to take care of.

The family tried to get him to rest more often, but none of them seemed to understand how Brian was feeling, they were not able to. Brian was actually glad that no one else had to feel the constant fear he had concerning his child, the overwhelming anxiety he had within him throughout every second of every day. He forced himself to remain positive and to stay calm all the while watching his son struggle for life.

Brian not only worried for Gus’ present but also his future. The staff told him that there was a large chance that if Gus survived he would very possibly retain some sort of mental or physical retardation. Brian would spend a lot of his time doing research about preemies and their future. Most of the information he got was a mixed lot, nothing was certain. However, Brian knew that life never was, being a father to Gus in the first place was proof of that.

Brian relied heavily on the support he received from Cynthia. She brought Brian his breakfast and lunch everyday. He was grateful that he did not have to eat the cafeteria food every day and it seemed to make things a little more bearable for him. Cynthia also made sure he took care of himself. She would sit with Gus and would give him a few minutes to take a walk through the halls of the ICU floor; he never went any further unless he was going home.

Cynthia brought children’s books and read them to Gus each day or she would sing lullabies to him. She would take a picture of him each day and after two weeks, she could see the difference in growth in the very tiny version of her best friend. Cynthia was sure she could see Brian’s features in him as he grew.

Gus’ eyelids had split, though he’d not opened them yet. The baby had started to grow fingernails, had noticeable eyebrows and eyelashes too. The hair ontop of his head was a light auburn color, like the baby’s father’s hair.

Cynthia could not wait until Gus opened his eyes. The doctors said it would happen soon and she was hopeful that they would see Brian’s color in them once he did.

In addition to bringing Brian food and Gus story books, Cynthia also brought Brian research she’d compile to discuss with whatever specialist they saw that day and then later that week when the entire team would get together for the conference.

Cynthia spent a lot of time at the hospital but she enjoyed her roll in Gus and Brian’s life, even if at times it was difficult and painful. She had been watching Gus when the boy’s right lung collapsed. The doctor’s were able to get him stabilized, but Brian had been devastated. He had not been there and when Cynthia called in the middle of his dinner, he flipped out, to put it mildly. He nearly scrubbed the skin off his arms in the scrub room before rushing into the NICU’s room.

By that time, the team had Gus breathing, somewhat normally. Brian had not even realized that he had been crying that day until Cynthia had wiped away his tears and hugged him. She whispered words that comforted him until he was able to break away and walk over to his son’s bed. The baby looked so tired. So warn out, much like Brian.

Brian had wondered many times if keeping Gus alive was doing the boy more damage than it would ever do good. He knew that every moment in Gus’ life was fragile and sadly, each one it could be his last. Brian tried desperately not to think that way, but the thoughts would plague him just the same.

Brian moved a small chair closer and sat down before putting his hands through the holes in the incubator and listening to the doctors and nurses update him with Gus’ condition. He took in as much as he could but drowned them out a few times, becoming enraptured by the rise and fall of Gus’ chest or listening to the reassuring sounds of machines that helped Gus live.

After about a half an hour Brian had to leave Gus to go to Dr. Rhine‘s office for the weekly team meeting. Cynthia took over Gus’ watch while he was in the now, earlier than normal, weekly meeting.

 

****
 

“Brian, the drug has had no known long term effects on the children because it has only been used for a couple of years. Using it in this specific way is also very new,” Dr. Rhine, reminded him.

“This will open his blood vessels and allow for the blood to travel to other parts of his body?” Brian asked again, he knew he had asked two or three times since they had been in the meeting but he needed to hear it again.

“It will,” Dr. Hayes and Dr. Rhine assured him in unison.

Brian looked back and forth between the man and woman. “Would you do this…go this far to keep your child alive?”

“Yes,” they once again answered in unison.

“Okay, then let’s do this,” Brian said leaning forward and squaring his shoulders. “I’ll do whatever it takes to save Gus,” he looked around the room at the other medical personnel telling them with his stern expression that he expected the same from each one of them.

 

****
 

Gus had immediately improved when given the Sildenafil drug. His lungs passed the blood through his system and his breathing and even his skin color had improved. All of this happened within a matter of a couple hours.

Brian was thrilled and for now, happy with his decision to treat Gus in the new way.

That night Brian sat beside his son, staring at the miracle and beauty of the little being that was a part of him. He held the baby soft hand and day dreamed of the day he would get to kiss each finger. He imagined Gus growing and wondered, if there would be a day when the baby’s fingers would not have a pulse monitor attached to them most of the day.

At night, the lights in the NICU shut off nearly completely with the exception of the small lights above the incubator. Brian looked around the desolate room, Cynthia had gone home and Gus’ roommate moved earlier that day into Unit 2. Brian was happy for that child, he found out it was a little girl born at twenty-six weeks, but he was also a little bit jealous. He wanted his baby to be healthy too.

With the low lighting at night, the nurses remove the tiny sunglasses the babies wore. Brian gazed freely at the forming features of his baby’s face. With his thumb, he gently traced a line from Gus’ forehead down the middle of the baby’s soft nose. He did that a few times and his eyes caught movement on Gus’ face. He could see Gus’ eyeballs moving under the eyelids. Brian ran his thumb up and down on the spot again and this time the baby’s eyelashes started to flutter. Brian stared in awe, repeating the action for about ten minutes with the same reaction.

“Come on Gus,” Brian encouraged in a soft voice. “Open those eyes, baby. Look at Daddy, Gus. I am here. Let me see those eyes.” Brian now looked at his child through a blurry gaze as each time he repeated the gesture the flutters of Gus’ eyelashes became stronger. Then, slowly, the small eyelids opened into tiny little slits. The baby looked around and Brian felt his heart constricting inside him. Gus closed his eyes and seemed to settle back down into sleep once again, but Brian had seen that his baby did, indeed have his hazel eyes.

He wanted to run and tell someone, but it was almost two in the morning and the NICU halls were quiet. He considered calling Cynthia but didn’t want to wake her, she got almost as little sleep as he did. Brian knew though, he’d see her first thing in the morning and his friend would rejoice with him then.

The excitement of Gus opening his eyes also brought a sort of serenity to Brian’s body. He found himself lounging back in the ‘Daddy’ chair, exhausted, but hopeful and happy as his eyes closed. Brian succumbed to sleep quickly, for the first time since Gus’ birth he received a full nights rest, free of fear and nightmares.
 

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