No More Mio Amore

Chapter Twelve “Out”

Little lies and big decisions, who to tell and where to go. Follow someone else's vision, or trust my own, cause I don't know.-BARE A POP OPERA

*****

November 18, 1999

“Justin, a friend of yours is at the door,” Jennifer informed her son when she walked into his room. She started to put away his laundry.

“Daphne?” Justin asked and put closed sketchpad.

“No,” Jennifer replied in an odd voice. “If it was her I would’ve sent her up. It’s Chris. I told him to come inside but he said he’d wait out front.”

“Oh.” Justin didn’t know what to say. He got up quickly from his bed and bounded down the stairs.

Jennifer looked at sketchpad on her son’s bed and couldn’t resist opening it. It’d been a long time since she’d felt connected the way she had to Justin when he was younger. She knew he expressed everything inside his hundreds of sketchpads. He used to show her them. But, the last year he’d stopped showing her anything, telling her anything about his life.
 

***
 

Justin opened the front door, stepped out on the concrete steps and closed the door behind him. “What are you doing here?”

Chris walked toward Justin and put his hands on Justin’s hips. “I was horny. I thought you could help me out.”

Justin pushed Chris away and sat down on the top step. “Chris,” he sighed. “Don’t you get it? I don’t want to be with someone that dates girls.”

Chris sat beside Justin. “What’s the difference between me dating a girl and you pretending to with Daphne?”

“I think you just answered your own question.”

“What?”

“You actually date these girls to cover up the fact that you’re gay.”

Chris opened his mouth to defend himself. “I…”

“Exactly. You don’t admit you’re gay. I’m not interested in doing anything with any guy that doesn’t want to be with me. Who isn’t proud to be with me. What Daphne and I do is pretend. I know I’ll never marry a girl because I’m scared to be gay. You will.”

“What if… what if I’m bisexual then?” Chris asked.

“That isn’t even the point. If you wanted to be an out bisexual, Chris, I might consider dating you. But, not if you went around dating other people. I won’t be some whore you can come to just to get your rocks off. That’s what you want.”

Chris felt his blood pressure boil. “That isn’t what I want,” he hissed.

Justin smirked. “Yeah it is. You cover up the fact that you’re queer by saying you’re a bisexual. We both know that isn’t true.”

“Shut up,” Chris warned.

“Don’t worry,” Justin hissed. “No one can hear us.”

Chris put his hand on Justin’s leg and squeezed it tightly. “If you don’t want me to tell your secret I’d reconsider your little fantasy and just give us both what we want.”

Justin shoved Chris’ hand off him and stood up. He glared down at the boy. “I don’t want anything from you Chris. You’re the one that wants me. But you won’t ever have me. You’re not man enough.”

Chris stood up and leaned in close to Justin. “You’d better keep your fucking mouth shut about me Taylor. Don’t go gossiping like a little fairy to your fag hag or you’ll regret it.”

Justin sneered at the boy and puffed his chest out, showing him he wasn’t intimidated. “You’re a fucking psycho Chris and I won’t waste another second thinking about you. Now get the fuck off my porch and leave me alone.”

“Gladly,” Chris spit back and turned to leave.

Justin stormed into the house and slammed the door behind him. He stopped in his footsteps when he saw his mother and father sitting in the family room, staring at him.

Craig stood and held up Justin’s sketch pad. “We need to speak to you.”

Justin sucked in a breath. He didn’t need another confrontation, but he figured his life sucked and he might as well be open about it. He slowly walked into the living room. “Why were you looking through my things?”

Jennifer frowned. “You never used to mind showing me your sketch books. I didn’t think it was a big deal.”

Justin grabbed the book from his father’s hands. “It is a big deal! Or you wouldn’t be fucking sitting here ready to pounce on me. Would you?”

“Language, Justin,” Jennifer chided. “Sit down.”

Justin groaned and remained standing. “Just say it,” he whispered.

“Are you confused?” Craig asked.

“No.”

“I saw those sketches. They’re of that boy you were just outside with.”

“So.”

“Is he your boyfriend?” Jennifer implored.

“Don’t be silly,” Craig cut in, not giving time for Justin to answer. “Lots of boys mess around and experiment when they’re young. I didn’t,” he clarified. “But I’ve heard that it happens.”

Justin rolled his eyes. “Yeah it does happen.” When you’re gay, he thought.

“It’s just a phase right?” Craig asked his son. “Just one of your artistic curiosities?”

Justin tried his best not to laugh at his father’s choice of words. “What?”

“You’ve always been a little…” Jennifer trailed off, not sure how to finish the sentence.

“Different,” Craig supplied. “So what do those drawings mean?”

Justin couldn’t tell whether his parents were angry or not. They seemed to be taking it better than what he’d expected. However, he was sure it was because they were both in denial. Though, with the look his mother gave him, he was sure she was sure he was a queer but didn’t want to out him. Justin wondered what the point would be, coming out to his parents with only six months of school left. He knew that if he caused a scene, if he told them the total truth, he’d likely be grounded or worse.

At this point, Justin was sure that he wouldn’t be dating any guys while in high school. He wouldn’t be perusing his sexual desires, not until college, where he hoped he could meet a guy that wasn’t scared to admit he was a queer. He realized that coming out to his parents now, would serve no purpose. He made his decision and lied. “Maybe I was just experimenting with Chris. But that’s over. We’re studying the human form in art class and I wanted to put a face to the drawings. That’s all they are.”

Jennifer gave her son a concerned, yet understanding expression. “That’s all, Justin?”

“Yeah, Mom.”

Craig looked at Jennifer and smiled. “See, I told you there’s nothing to worry about.”

“Right,” Justin agreed.

“So, what are we having for dinner?” Craig asked. He wanted to change the subject. He loved his son, but he didn’t believe in babying him and coddling him the way Jennifer always had. He’d always thought that she obsessed and stressed out over nothing where Justin was concerned.

“I’ll pick up some Chinese food when I pick up Molly from her dance class,” Jennifer answered. She still couldn’t look away from Justin. Sure her son wasn’t telling the truth, but with the way Craig had seemed to react when she first voiced her suspicions she wasn’t sure she wanted to push the issue.

Justin sighed in relief. “I’m going to go finish my homework. Call me when the food gets here,” he requested.

“Sure honey,” Jennifer answered in a sad tone.

Justin bolted up the stairs to his room. He closed and locked the door to his room, sat down on his bed and opened his sketch pad. Most of the drawing weren’t so bad, but he wondered if his mother had shown his father the one in between the blank pages in the back. It was a page full of detailed sketches of different penis’ surrounding a picture of a penis entering an asshole. He tore it out and ripped it into tiny pieces and flung them into his trashcan. There was no way that his father had seen it, if he had, he wouldn’t have accepted his lies.
 

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