No More Mio Amore

Chapter One: Beautiful Boy

Warnings: Circumstantially Out of Character, References to Violence, Disability!Fic

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Thursday, September 2nd 1999

Close your eyes,
Have no fear,
The monsters gone,
He's on the run and your daddy's here,

Beautiful,
Beautiful, beautiful,
Beautiful Boy,  - John Lennon

Debbie, Michael, Ted, Emmett, and Cynthia sat close together on a long stretch of ratty blue chairs. Their hands joined and their bodies leaned and touched one another’s in comfort. On the other side of the room directly across from them sat, Mr. and Mrs. Peterson, Lindsay’s older sister Lynette and her second husband Mitch. They were all sitting rigidly stock still, not touching, staring away from each other. There were a few other people sitting in the chairs and benches between them, but these bystanders were innocent and had nothing to do with what truly separated the two groups.

Brian walked into the large waiting room. His hair was a mess from the many times his nervous hands sifted through the usually perfect strands. Brian’s hazel eyes were nearly black and the whites of them, bloodshot red from all the crying he had been doing. His face was pale, but went even more so when he entered the room, wiping away his tear tracks with the backs of his shaky hands. He paused in his steps and looked over at his family and then over to Lindsay’s. What he was about to tell them would be hard, but not as terrible as what he had done.

As soon as both groups spotted Brian, they all stood from their chairs and raced over to him, crowding around him. Questions and frustrations poured out of everyone’s mouths, firing at him with a speed and desperation Brian, in his nearly thirty years of life, had never heard in people’s voices. He felt himself slowly losing the thread of sanity he was holding onto as each word chipped away at the strength he’d tried to compose within himself before walking into the waiting room.

“I…” Brian tried to speak, but each time, there were interruptions. “Just…just… be quiet for a minute and I’ll tell you what…” Brian sighed heavily, feeling as though he should scream, but not having the energy to do so. He was about to run from them all when he heard his friend’s voice boom over everyone else’s.

“Hey, would everyone just be quiet and let him speak!” Cynthia yelled, much to Brian’s great relief and rescue.

The chatter stopped suddenly, as if those words pushed the gravity of the situation back into each family member, grounding them to speechlessness.

This gave Brian a second to once again, piece his words together in his brain. He cleared his throat and looked over at his family, not able to look Lindsay’s parents and sister in the eyes. “Lindsay didn’t make it through the surgery,” Brian gasped, wondering to himself how in the hell he had actually spoken those words in a full sentence when that hadn’t been how he’d intended to speak of the situation.

“You bastard!” Ronald Peterson raged, lunging toward Brian.

Brian had expected as much and he even wished for that slice of physical pain that Lindsay’s father had almost given, stopped by Mrs. Peterson’s clutching hold as she sobbed, pleading with her husband to stop.

It seemed that her pleas were then amounted with his family chastises Ronald for his behavior. Once again, voices rose, pandemonium seemed to overwhelm the reality.

Brian took a step back away from everyone, as Cynthia was there to rationalize and make everyone calm down once again. Once they were all staring and glaring at him he spoke in a soft tone, “Lindsay wanted to deliver the baby.”

“Of course she would,” Debbie reasoned as tears fell down her cheeks. “Any mother would give her own life for her child’s life.”

“You decided!” Ronald hissed. “You decided to kill her!”

Brian turned his attention toward Lindsay’s father, not denying the accusation. He’d expected the reaction and deep down he felt the same way. But he also knew the truth. “The decision is what your daughter wanted.”

“You signed the papers to allow for it. She had a chance of survival if they had just aborted it,” Lindsay’s sister Lynette told Brian coldly.

“She wanted the baby to have a chance,” Brian could feel his throat closing up as he tried to speak from his heart with reason. Now that he had to say the words aloud, it seemed to make the blame within him to disappear slightly. He defended himself, “I didn’t even know that I was listed as her emergency medical proxy until tonight.”

Lynette glared at Brian, clutching to her husband she spat, “Well that was a mistake.”

“Maybe it was,” Brian admitted sadly. “But I’m not too sure since I doubt you would have been able to do what I did.”

“What’s that?” Mrs. Peterson asked angrily. “Kill our daughter in exchange for a bastard child?”

Brian understood their anger at him, but he couldn’t understand how they could be so uncaring about an innocent child. If he was more like his father he might’ve hit the woman for her remark, but instead he just shook his head at her. Her statement didn’t warrant a response. He was glad when Michael pulled him close and gave him a long hug, getting him out of the situation for a moment.

“How is the baby?” Michael asked his friend, directing the means of the conversation. He hoped to bring good news through all of the grief surrounding everyone.

“My…my son is in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit,” Brian spoke, directing his words to everyone else in his family.

“A son? I thought they were having a girl?” Emmett asked.

Brian shook his head and said simply, “The doctors were wrong.”

Cynthia pushed a little through the crowd of family and embraced her boss, who was also her best friend. She leaned up and whispered, “Congratulations Brian. You are now officially a Dad.”

Brian wrapped his arms around Cynthia as he felt himself start to crumble from the inside out. It had been nice to be in Michael’s arms, but he could tell that his other best friend was almost as ready to fall apart as he was. Cynthia was strong, and he hoped she would be strong enough to help him through what was surely going to be a rough year. “I have a son,” he thought to himself in wonder. “Thank you,” he whispered back to Cynthia, hugging her tightly.

Cynthia stepped out of the embrace to allow for the rest of Brian’s family to embrace him. They all needed that contact, the touch to reaffirm that each of them were there for each other. She was a bit of an outsider to most but Brian, so she mentally prepared herself for what was to come. She promised to herself that she would help Brian get through it all. Her husband Jake drowned while on their one-year anniversary vacation to Hawaii three years ago. Consequently, from the stress and pain she miscarried a child she hadn’t even known she was pregnant with. Cynthia didn’t have any close friends or relatives in the area and Brian had turned into a great friend. He helped her through each day and night, giving her strength and reminding her that there was still life to live. Cynthia knew that now, would be the time to repay him for his unwavering friendship.

Looking over at the Petersons, she saw they were all standing stiff, not knowing what to do, except to direct their pain with hate and glares aimed at Brian and Brian’s family. Cynthia felt horrible for the Petersons. No one should have to loose a child, but she also knew Lindsay had been estranged from her parents for almost a decade. Cynthia figured that they were probably projecting their guilt over this fact, with anger toward Brian. Nothing however, justified how they acted in regards to the baby.

Brian’s family had to deal with the loss of Melanie and now hours later, Lindsay. However, they all knew they would need to be strong and positive for their new family member’s sake. And for Brian’s sake too. There was so much pain to be dealt with, but they could not forget that that the baby was also in critical condition.

“Come on Ron,” Olivia said to her husband. For a moment, that only Brian noticed, her cold features softened. She turned toward him with tears in her eyes. “We’re going home Brian.”

“Don’t you want to know how the baby is?” Brian asked them as the Peterson family started to leave the waiting room.

Ron turned on his heel, shook his head, and glared at Brian. “That’s none of our concern.”

“But he’s your Grandchild,” Debbie gasped.

“Let us know about Lindsay’s arrangements,” Ron barked, ignoring Debbie. He then walked swiftly out of the waiting room, the rest of the Peterson family followed behind him, not even acknowledging Brian’s question or Debbie’s reaction.

Debbie led Brian to sit on one of the chairs and put her arms around him. “We want to know Brian. How is he?”

“He isn’t good,” Brian felt Debbie squeeze his hand tightly and was once again grateful for the love and support of his family of friends. “He only weighs one pound, and eight ounces.”

“Oh god,” Emmett gasped out.

Brian ignored the sob he heard come from Emmett and continued, “Lindsay was only twenty four weeks along so he wasn’t able to grow very much. He’s so tiny, only eleven and half inches long.” Brian took a deep shuddering breath and forced his next words out of his mouth, “He was born so early, so underdeveloped that… he may not make it.”

“Is there anything we can do?” Ted asked. “Is there anything you need Brian. You need to focus on your son. So I’ll do anything I can to help you with anything else.”

Brian looked over at Ted, grateful for the man’s strength during crisis. He also knew that Ted and Melanie were very close friends so he knew the man was hurting too, but it was nice to see him step up to the plate. Brian acknowledged that he would need the man’s help. He gave Ted a small, grateful nod. “Do you think you can find a way to call Melanie’s family, and their other friend’s too?”

“Of course, I can Brian. I’ll get right on that,” Ted vowed as he rose from his chair. “I’m going to go over to their house, look through their address and phone book. Be sure and let me know about the baby’s progress.”

Brian stood up and hugged Ted. “Thanks, and I will.”

“Have you seen him? Held him?” Michael asked once Brian sat back down.

“He…he wasn’t stabilized yet, they said it might be a while before I can,” Brian told him. “If he makes it that long,” he added morosely.

“Of course he will!” Debbie said firmly.

“If he’s anything like his Daddy he’ll be strong and fight,” Emmett added.

“He’ll make it Brian,” Cynthia squeezed his knee and smiled reassuringly.

“Mr. Kinney?” Everyone looked up toward the voice coming from a young looking woman in a white lab coat standing in the doorway. “I need to discuss your son with you.”

Brian stood up. “Did something happen?”

The woman shook her head and put a hand on Brian’s arm. “We have him stabilized.”

“Oh, thank god,” Debbie stood up and went beside Brian and everyone else followed.

“This is Dr. Rhine,” Brian told his family. “Dr. Rhine this is the rest of my son’s family.”

She nodded at them, glad that the young father had a supportive family. She knew he would definitely need them during the long journey ahead of him. “I’d like for you to follow me up to Intensive Care. I have an office in the NICU and I think we need to talk and lay out your son’s care plan.”

“Okay,” Brian answered her and turned toward his family. “You should all go home and get some rest, there is going to be a lot of stuff to deal with the next few days and I know you’re all exhausted.” He looked down at his watch. “It’s nearly four a.m. and you all have work in the morning.”

Debbie, Emmett and Michael began to protest. Cynthia stayed silent, she would be going with Brian whether he liked it or not. She did not have to be at work tomorrow if Brian wasn’t. She was his assistant and friend and she knew he would need her to be there for him.

They all said their goodbyes, agreeing on a time to meet after everyone got some rest and Brian and Cynthia followed Dr. Rhine to her office. Once there, Cynthia took a hold of Brian’s hand as they listened to the doctor’s words. Brian held on tightly and prepared himself to listen and process everything the doctor would tell them.

“Mr. Kinney, seeing as we are going to be seeing an awful lot of one another I’d like for you to call me Anna,” she said. “Can I call you Brian?”

“Of course,” Brian agreed. He gestured toward Cynthia, holding up their joined hands. “This is Cynthia Prescott.”

“Are you two married?” Anna asked.

Cynthia chuckled. “No, we’re just friends. Best friends and I will be a big part of Brian’s support.”

Anna smiled. “I’m very glad. This is going to be hard for you Brian, for your whole family. Now, before we get down to business I would like to discuss something that is very important. I understand that your son is still being called Baby Boy Kinney and I was wondering what you would like to name him?”

“Oh,” Brian said softly. He had not thought this through and he did not know any little boy names that the girls’ had considered. Lindsay and Melanie were going to call the baby Jessica Lynn because Lindsay’s doctor had assured them that the baby was a girl.

“I do know that there have been some parents that wish to not give their child a name until they are certain the baby will live, but, I must advise you give him one. Besides the medical side of your son’s health and development, your connection and care for him will also play a major role in his survival and growth Brian.”

“Of course I’ll name my son,” Brian said a little exasperated. He could not believe any parent would not name their child just because the baby was sick. Whatever happened to his son, he would have a name. “It’s just that I hadn’t thought of any boys names. The doctor’s had told Lindsay and her partner that she was having a little girl.”

“They never discussed any boy names?” Anna asked.

“No, not any that I can remember,” Brian told the doctor before turning toward Cynthia. “Do you remember them discussing any?”

Cynthia nodded her head, glad she could help. “Actually they did when they first found out Lindsay was pregnant. Melanie wanted to name him Abraham after her grandfather as tradition in the Jewish faith.”

“Oh god no, I’m not naming him that,” Brian said adamantly.

“But Lindsay liked Augustine… though Melanie shot that down right away,” Cynthia told him.

“Augustine? Like the Saint?” Brian asked.

“Yes, that’s also the place where Melanie and Lindsay honeymooned in Florida. I think Lindsay said the name meant noble, youthful and sacred,” Cynthia told him, thinking to herself that it seemed to fit a son of Brian Kinney’s.

“I suppose Augustine is okay,” Brian said wistfully as he tried the name out on his tongue a few times. “But we can call him Gus for short. I don’t want him getting teased at school with his whole name. But Gus is a good butch name.”

Cynthia laughed softly, “Yes, it is.”

“And his middle name?” Anna prompted as she wrote on the birth certificate in front of her.

“Aiden, it’s my middle name,” Brian explained. “It means fiery and strong willed so maybe that will help him.”

Anna asked Brian how he’d like each name spelled and then she passed the hospital certificate over toward him for him to sign. When Brian finished signing his name on the line, the fact that he was now a father, became abundantly clear in his head.

“Now I think we should discuss Gus’ care. I’m going to tell you what we expect to happen with him over the next week and then I’ll give you a more generalized full-term analysis. But first let me give you this,” Dr. Rhine reached into one of the drawers and pulled out a blue folder and handed it to Brian. “This is what we call here a Preemie packet. It contains a list of my phone numbers and even my address. If there is anything either of you need to speak with me about feel free to call me anytime day or night.”

“Thank you,” Brian and Cynthia said in unison as Brian opened the folder.

“The other stuff is informational packets about our Neonatal Intensive Care Unit, types of doctor’s, nurse’s and therapists you will be seeing around, some phone numbers, websites and support groups for parents of premature children, and also a list of generalized NICU daily procedures for the infants,” she explained. “I must warn you Mr. Kinney, I do not believe in lying to the parents and caregivers, some of what you may hear regarding your son will be shocking and extremely tough to deal with, but it is necessary for you to understand the extremity of your son’s condition and treatment. This is going to be the toughest battle you will probably ever face in your life and there is sadly no definite answer to the question I’m sure you want to ask most,” she paused and waited for Brian to ask it.

“Is he going to survive?” Brian swallowed the lump forming in his throat after he asked the question.

“The most I can give you right now are statistics, but every child is different. Tomorrow we will be meeting with the medical staff. You are going to be introduced to the team that is specifically assigned to Gus’ care. We will hear a more detailed prognosis and a detailed schedule, but I want to talk to you about Gus’ current condition and I will give you the statistics of similar docomeented cases. But again, Gus is an individual and he is capable of being completely different than any one else,” Anna took a deep breath and looked across at the gorgeous tortured man before her.

“I understand,” Brian spoke, though truly he didn’t. He didn’t understand how everything had suddenly changed in his world. In one split second, he went from being a carefree bachelor, to a father, with the entire world on his shoulders.

Anna always hoped the children under her care would live and have the chance to grow and have a normal life, but knowing that the child’s mother had given her own life to save Gus’ made her even more determined to see Gus thrive. “Right now Gus’ lungs are our major concern. We are concerned because he does not have very good muscle reflex and may be have Apnea. After he is under observation over the next couple of hours, we should know what that diagnosis is. His lungs are still developing and because of that, he is having difficulty breathing. The lungs are struggling to get in oxygen and then take in the supply but we have sustained his breathing for now. We have other options we will need to look at to improve the lung function and growth, but we will discuss those tomorrow with the rest of Gus’ team. In addition to the breathing tube and machines for his lungs, also a small I.V. will be administering liquids and nutrients to him. Gus has not developed the sucking reflex either and we will not be able to start him with that until he is able to breathe on his own. He also has high blood pressure but, seeing as he is so little that is to be expected and we really actually have no way of knowing what his blood pressure should be in comparison to what normal is. An infant at 24 weeks is usually given a life viability rate of only fifteen percent.”

“Fifteen percent?” Brian asked in shock, he could feel tears come into his eyes hearing the low number.

Cynthia struggled with her own emotions and squeezed her friends hand as they digested the doctor’s words.

“Yes Brian,” Anna said softly. “But remember that is a statistic. Gus has reacted well in the first three hours of life, much better than any other documented baby born after only 22 weeks of gestation.”

“So there is hope. I mean, if he has done much better than he can be an exception right?” Brian’s teary eyes and shaky voice pleaded with the doctor.

Anna nodded her head. “Exactly Brian. There is always hope.”

“When can I see him?” Brian asked as he reached up and wiped away his tears.

“There are some other things I need to prepare you about Brian,” Anna sighed. “I know you were with his mother when she had the cesarean, but they whisked him away pretty quickly. Did you get a glance at him?”

“No…no…I didn’t. I was holding Lindsay’s hand and they had a sheet separating us. They told us it was a boy and then I turned to tell Lindsay. Then there was a bunch of commotion. Everything happened so fast. Lindsay didn’t even get to see him,” Brian said the last sentence in a horrified tone.

“I’m sure she’s in with him right now Brian,” Cynthia put her arm around Brian and squeezed him to her side.

Brian nodded and wiped away more tears as terrifying thought after thought assaulted his brain. “Is he deformed or something?” he asked the doctor still crying.

Anna felt her throat constrict at the words, she had not meant for her question to cause such a reaction in the man. “No, Brian. Gus looks the same way all preemies look at his age. However, that is why I asked. You see, he will not look like what you expect a newborn to look like. You may not be able to tell facial features or anything like that for a while. Almost his entire body is still forming. His skin is extremely thin and he has very little fat and muscle under it. It also has a shiny, almost see-through look. He will probably look bruised, though he is not. His eyelids are still fused together, and may not split and open for another month or so. So, he will be wearing a tiny little pair of soft sunglasses to protect his eyes from any harsh light through his thin eyelids.”

“Will I be able to hold him?”

“I’m afraid not. For now, Gus is inside his incubator and tended to with as little movement as possible for probably the next two weeks. The incubator provides stable constant warmth and oxygen that is essential for him right now. We will be talking to you more about that tomorrow, and the advantages of the ’Kangaroo’ carry. However, you will be able to reach your hands in and touch him for as long as you would like. Would you like to go down the hall and see him now?”

“Yes, definitely,” Brian answered and Cynthia nodded her head too.

“Okay, if you’d like you can leave your personal belongings in my office and I’ll take you into the scrub room.” The doctor got up from her desk and Brian and Cynthia stood up with her.

“Oh, wait…” Cynthia crouched back down into her large purse and pulled out her digital camera. “I don’t want to forget this,” she said holding it up.

Brian smiled a little and then took her hand, glad that no matter what happened he’d always have a picture of him and his first moments with his child.

They followed Anna to a room just around the corner of her office. It had a row of deep sinks on end and a row of changing stalls and lockers on the other. Anna opened two closet doors. “You’ll need to put on a set of scrubs, and a hair net. If you grow a beard Brian, you will need to wear a beard net. You will also need to wear some shoe covers. First, you will both need to scrub your hands up to your forearms and I recommend washing your face and brushing your teeth once you are able to hold and kiss your baby. We try to cut the infants exposure to any bacteria down to as little as possible. You will need to do this before, every single time you enter the NICU Nursery from anywhere outside the doors we just came through as long as Gus is placed in the Unit 3 room. When you are done with the scrubs for the day, you can put them in one of the orange bins, any questions?” she asked.

“No, I think we’re okay,” Brian answered after Cynthia shook her head no. He actually was far, far, far from okay but he knew in there was not anything Dr. Rhine could possibly do about it.

“all right, I’ll wait for you both out here in the hall. Then, I will take you up to the desk and register you. The nurse there will also be taking your picture with and without your scrubs. No one is allowed to enter the Unit 3 Nursery to see Gus or any other child without going through the same process and you will need to inform us of anyone else you may have visiting Gus.” With that, Doctor Rhine went to go scrub and change her own clothes.

Brian took off his shirt washed his face first. Even if he could not hold and kiss Gus, he knew that it would make his eyes feel at least a little less tired. Cynthia came out of the change room in the pair of scrubs she had gotten and stood beside him. They both scrubbed their hands and arms and then Brian went to change into his scrubs. When he came out, he put the hair net on, finishing off the green ensemble he knew would become a part of his daily wardrobe and was more than a little shocked when Cynthia took a picture of him.

He was glad though that she had made him laugh as she did this. He has always savored Cynthia’s quiet support, even if he was not always verbally appreciative, he was more than happy to have her beside him when he would see his son for the first time.

They went out into the hallway and found Anna, dressed in her own fresh scrubs and a new white lab coat waiting for them. She led them over to the reception desk just outside a set of doors that said NURSERY on them. They filled out some forms and had their pictures taken and were then, buzzed through the doors.

Cynthia could feel the anticipation coming off Brian as they walked down the dimly lit hallway and heard the tiny whimpers of children crying. She put the camera in her scrub pocket and took Brian’s shaking hands in hers. It was an awkward way to walk down the hall but it seemed to calm Brian down. By the time they stopped at a pair of glass doors he was noticeably less nervous.

“Gus is in this Unit 3 Room because of the level of Neonatal care he will need, which is the highest. He may be moved later, but for now, because he is a newborn he will be in here,” Anna opened the glass door and led them into the lighted space.

Cynthia let Brian’s hands go as they walked behind Anna who’d stopped in front of a chubby older woman. “This is Brian and Cynthia. Brian is “Baby Boy Kinney’s father. He’s named him Gus, so if you want to change that now that would be great Sherry.”

Sherry smiled and turned to Brian and Cynthia. “I’ll get right on that. I am the attending med student here in NICU. I’ll be taking care of the small tasks Gus will need,” she informed them before moving away and leaving the room.

There were only two incubators in use in the Unit. The one toward the front had a woman in a wheel chair beside it, reaching her hand inside. Brian looked over to the other one placed in the back corner with some empty chairs beside it. “Is that Gus?” he whispered nodding in that direction.

Anna smiled and stopped walking and nodded her head. “I’ll give you a few moments alone. Just, remember if you touch him to use caution around the wires, other than that I’m sure you’ll be fine,” she noticed Brian’s look of apprehension and hoped she assured him.

“Come on,” Cynthia said pulling his hand and walking toward the incubator.

Brian gasped aloud when the little being inside the plastic came into view. It seemed like the whole world around him was lost and his entire being was centered on the tiny little baby. His son.

Cynthia watched as Brian walked toward his child, and hurriedly walked up to get in front of him to take the picture of him gazing into the incubator for the first time.

Brian did not even notice the flashes of the camera. His eyes never left the form of his baby. The first thing he noticed was that it seemed like Gus, overloaded and swamped with all the wires coming from around him, was so tiny. Then he looked at the diaper he was wearing and it was huge on Gus, covering nearly up to his chest. When he looked at the baby’s chest, Brian could see the heart beating and the rise and fall of the tiniest torso he had ever seen. He quickly dropped down into the chair beside his child and slowly reached his hands through the holes to touch him. As gently as possible, Brian rubbed one of his hands on Gus’ soft, skinny leg, and with the other, he touched the downy soft cheek. He noticed that the hospital had given him a blue knit hat to wear and that made him look small as well. Nevertheless, Brian knew Gus would be a fighter. He would grow up and be healthy, smart and strong.

Cynthia remained quiet after taking a few pictures and stepped back out of the way, just looking on and visibly seeing the change the tiny boy was already having on his father.

Brian took one of Gus’ hands in his finger and felt the baby squeeze and wrap it around his pointer. “Daddy’s here Gus,” Brian told him, leaning his forehead against the plastic. “I’ll always be here Gus. I’m not going to leave you so I need you to keep fighting so you can come home with me sonny-boy.” Brian knew that he would be changing everything in his life for this little boy. Every thing would be different from this day forward. However, nothing mattered except making sure he was there for Gus.
 

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