Tears and Fears

Authors Note: In honor of Spike William. The story wouldn't have turned out as intense without the loss.

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Ever since Justin had heard that phone message his anxiety level was through the roof. Brian had surgery and of course hadn't said one fucking word about it. Now that he knew what to look for it was pretty fucking obvious. Brian was pale, exhausted and seemed to be moving slower than usual. Justin bit his lip, lost in thought while everyone else was watching the biggest dick contest. Christ, could they get any more lame? Who the fuck cares who has the biggest cock? Brian should be in bed resting.

Justin touched Brian's arm trying to be subtle.

"Why don't we get out of here?"

Brian's eyes gazed out over the sea of young hot men.

"The night is still under 30."

"How are you? I mean, how was your trip?"

Justin shot daggers at Michael, fucking asshat. He really should know better by now than to ever say anything to him.

"I almost didn't come back" Brian smirked.

Justin felt the bile rising in his throat. 'Oh god what did that mean? Were there complications? Is he even alright?' He felt himself sway slightly on the catwalk.

Michael hissed at him. "Why did you let him come here? He should be resting."

"What was I supposed to do, chain him to the bed?" he snapped.

Justin made his way down to where Brian was on the dance floor. The only way to get Brian out of Babylon was to play sick, which wouldn't be that much of a stretch. He felt nauseous and his stomach felt like it was trapped in a vice.

"Brian, I'm really not feeling too well." He used his best puppy eyes and tried to look as pathetic as possible.

"Well you should go then."

"Will you come with me, please?"

Brian looked into Justin's eyes and relented.

On the way home to the loft Brian extracted a sacred promise that Justin would not puke in the Vette.

In the elevator Justin wrapped his arm around Brian's waist and snuggled into his side, conveniently letting Brian lean more against him.

Justin was relieved when they headed directly to the bedroom after Brian locked up. He changed into a plain soft cotton T, kicked off his shoes and shucked off his pants, leaving his boxers on. Usually he slept naked because Brian did, but tonight he needed the comfort of clothing.

When Brian sat down on the edge of the bed Justin crawled over to him. His arms encircled Brian's chest. Their fingers tangled as they both tried to get the shirt unbuttoned.

"Let me help," he whispered next to Brian's ear.

"I can do it" Brian said in a frustrated tone.

"I know you can," he murmured.

Brian unbuckled his belt, popped the button and lowered the zipper. Justin lightly pushed him to lie down on the bed. He gently tugged Brian's jeans off and let them puddle to the floor.

"I thought you were sick?" Brian asked, more than a little suspicious.

"I am; I have a tummy ache." He rubbed his hand over his stomach, the vise tightened just a little more.

Justin cuddled up to Brian caressing his face. "Tell me about Ibiza," he asked trying to distract Brian.

Brian was close to drifting off to sleep anyway. His voice was rough and gravelly. Justin only half listened to Brian's made-up tale of beautiful guys and white sandy beaches. He was busy loving Brian, nuzzling and kissing his cheek.

"I even fucked a matador."

"No way."

"Ole'!" Brian's voice drifted off into sleep.

Justin stared down at him and caressed his coral lips with the tip of his finger. Brian was still so devastatingly beautiful. He slid down and cradled Brian in his arms. Justin laid his head on Brian's chest and squeezed him as tight as he dared. He kissed Brian's chest four times with an intensity that burned in his own chest. Justin sniffled and blew out a shaky breath. Moments later he broke a little inside. 

A tear escaped from his eye. It trailed along his nose, over the line of his parted lips to land on Brian's chest. Cool tears started to fall more rapidly dampening Brian's chest. The drafty loft made his tear tracks cool on his rapidly warming face. Justin sobbed quietly into Brian's chest, praying he wouldn't wake him up. He wouldn't be able to explain away the tears. He was so scared of losing Brian. It was hell being kept in the dark. He didn't know the severity of the situation. Was Brian going to be ok? Obviously Brian didn't plan on telling him anytime soon, if ever. Then he could just bet the plan would be to push him right out the door.  It's what Brian did. It's what Brian was good at, pushing people away. He clung to Brian in the night praying so fervently that Brian wasn't and would not die.

Finally in the wee hours of the morning he gave in to the exhaustion and fell asleep. His face was warm to the touch and swollen from hours of crying.

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Justin woke with a groan, fuck his whole head hurt. He had a mother of a headache. Justin's eyes were grainy and felt like shriveled raisins. Everything hurt his eyes, cheeks and lips right down to the very bone, wonderful.

"Guh."

"Morning, Sunshine," Brian murmured. He pressed his lips to Justin's forehead kissing him softly. Brian frowned, "Are you getting sick? You feel warm."

"Mmm no, I'm fine."

Justin rolled away from Brian keeping his face averted. If he felt like hell then he most assuredly would look like it too. Justin got out of bed, kept his head down and made tracks to the bathroom where he shut the door. As if that wouldn't be a dead giveaway.

Brian arched a brow at the closed door. Well something was up, that was obvious. He'd bide his time, give Justin some privacy that he so obviously wanted then he'd go in for the kill. He grimaced as he wiped at the tacky feeling on his chest. Wonderful!  Justin drooled on him, again!

Justin decided his bladder took precedence over his pounding head, so he relieved himself then washed his hands. He slowly looked up and saw his reflection.

"Guuhhh!"

Christ, he looked like hell, no death, maybe a little of both. His eyelids were swollen horribly. No wonder it hurt to see. They were also tinged a startling pinkish purple. His nose was red; his face was blotchy and pale. And his lips were cherry red and swollen. He idly wondered if maybe he could pass it all off as an allergic reaction to something. Except for the glaring fact that he slept on Brian's chest. He cupped his hands under the cold water and splashed his face repeatedly. As Justin rummaged around in the cabinet for aspirin he heard the bathroom door slide open. With his hand on the bottle of pills their eyes met in the reflection of the mirror.

Brian stood leaning against the door frame, arms folded against his bare chest, his long legs crossed at the ankles.

"You look like shit. Care to tell me what's wrong?"

So it wasn't drool on his chest after all.

"Nothing."

"Bullshit."

Justin gazed into Brian's eyes not saying a word, he didn't have to. Brian stared into swollen watery blue eyes and sucked in a sharp breath. He slowly nodded to himself, rolling his lips into his mouth. Justin knew, it was plain as day. He wanted to be upset, wanted to yell at Justin but he couldn't. Not when Justin looked so utterly pathetic. He'd be a supreme asshole if he yelled at Justin when he clearly spent the night awake crying and worrying over him. Brian exhaled deeply then walked over to Justin and pulled him into his arms.

"I'm ok," Brian murmured next to Justin's ear.  Justin let his head rest against Brian's shoulder.  "Seriously?"

"Yeah.  How come you're not pitching a major fit right now?"   

Brian smirked, "Guess I'm just full of surprises."  He led Justin back to the bedroom. "Lay back down I'll get you some water."

Justin gratefully crawled back underneath the warm blankets. When a bottle of cold water was placed in his hand he took a sip then downed the aspirin he'd brought with him. Brian crawled back into bed next to Justin. Justin drank half the bottle then pressed the cold surface against his forehead sighing. He pressed the base of the bottle against each eye socket in turn in hopes the swelling would go down, plus it felt good.

"After you get some actual sleep… I'll tell you everything."

"You will?"

"Yes."

"Everything?"

"I promise."

"Good. Thank you. It was the not knowing what was wrong that was driving me crazy."

Brian remained quiet.

Justin buried his head in his pillow and fell fast asleep within minutes, secure in the fact that when he woke Brian would tell him all he needed to know. Surprisingly it put his mind at peace.

Brian watched Justin sleep till he was lulled into a gentle slumber himself.

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