Authors Note: For Spike William you got me writing again, thank you. Rest in Peace, my sweet boy.

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Brian struggled to keep his composure as Justin left his office. He struggled to breathe around the lump in his throat at Justin's words of love. When he was sure he was alone he clicked off his desk lamp. He clicked off the lamp by the wall. With slow steps he walked over to the sofa and reached out to turn that lamp off as well. All his bottled up emotions came to the surface and with one smooth move he grabbed up the floor lamp and smashed it.

His hands were shaking and his body trembled with suppressed emotion. He ran his hands over his face to try to clear his mind and discovered dampness near his eyes. Brian inhaled sharply then ran a hand roughly through his hair. He absently kicked at the broken base. He grabbed up his briefcase on auto pilot, locked up the building and got into the Vette. Brian sat there for several minutes just clutching the wheel then with a heavy sigh he started the classic car and was greeted with a rumbling purr. Before he knew it he was home and for the life of him he couldn't remember the drive home.

The loft was cold and dark; it fit his current mood perfectly. He sat his briefcase down next to his desk. Brian wanted a drink badly.  He even started over to the bar cart but at the last second he stopped and sank down onto the sofa. He stared off into the distance lost in thought.

Why the fuck did this have to happen? Kinnetik was barely off the ground. There were still big clients to secure. A wayward tear ran down his cheek. He could just walk away, leave it all behind. It was so tempting. And let's face it he never wanted to live to see 30. 30 and beyond was fucking old. It also proved his point, if you lived long enough your body would just betray you in the end. Of course he hadn't expected it quite this soon.

His dreams of New York were dead and buried. Kinnetik would ultimately fail without him at the helm.  Did it really matter? He'd made his money and it's not like he could take it with him on a one way trip to hell. Everyone would have to grow a pair and stand on their own without him.

As he thought of Gus his breath hitched. He loved his son so much. Gus was still young. As the years passed he'd be nothing but a faded memory, then nothing. Gus would forget him. Justin would be deeply hurt but he was young. There was never any guarantee that they would even be together in the next five years. He would eventually move on and find someone else. If Justin found out about the surgery and all it entailed he might just move on anyway.

In the old days, when he had no important ties it would have been so simple to just walk away, leave everything and everybody without a second thought. He didn't want the surgery, he most definitely didn't want to go through radiation and he absolutely did not want to lose one of his fucking balls. Fuck the prosthetic; he'd never be the same again.

His chances were great that he'd make it. It would be fucking suicide if he did nothing. If the odds had been slimmer he'd be justified in his one way trip to Ibiza. The fact of the matter was he was fucking terrified. Anyone would be, looking down the black barrel that was cancer. Brian detested being sick and this would be the mother of all sick. He didn't know how he'd keep Kinnetik running. Ted and Cynthia would eventually find out, it was inevitable. Deep down he knew Justin would find out too, but he wanted to live in denial a bit longer. His mind kept playing over what Justin said. That he loved him and he'd be waiting. He hadn't meant to take out his anger and frustrations on Justin. Really, he didn't know what he did to deserve Justin. If he were capable of loving someone besides Gus of course, that someone would be Justin.

With a heavy heart and the world on his shoulders he got up and went to his desk. Brian sat down in his chair and booted up the computer. He typed and he clicked and in a few moments it was done. His flight to Ibiza was changed to the red eye to Maryland. Brian didn't do regrets and he wasn't about to start now. He got up and went to the bedroom to pack.  

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