Spread Your Wings and Fly Away

Justin walked through a doorway leaving the Landside Terminal of the Pittsburgh International Airport behind. At the same time he left behind his partnership with Brian Kinney. It was not the first doorway he had walked through that morning, but it was the one that marked the end.

He had spent the previous night with Brian, their last night together. They had made love, both in desperate need, and, afterwards, they had slept tangled together in the middle of the large bed.

They had woken up with the sun. They untangled their limbs, the fair limbs moving to the left and the darker hued to the right. The two bodies became separated by the width of the large bed. They rose to their feet in silence facing the opposite directions. Then the pair of blue eyes found the hazel pair; a question in the blue eyes found an answer in the hazel gaze, in silence. The long-fingered hand was offered, the shaking hand was taken.

The two men walked into the bathroom and into the shower stall quietly. Without breaking the silence they turned on warm water. The slender body was gathered in the strong arms of the taller man and pressed against his lean body. The two men let water mingle with their silent tears. Too short minutes passed without either of the men moving a muscle. At last their lips met in a gentle kiss, and their last shower was over. They stepped out of the stall and out of the bathroom still holding hands, closing the doors behind them.

They toweled each other, then dressed themselves, each smiling sadly, wordlessly.

Without asking Justin turned the coffee machine on, for the last time, and took out of the cupboard Brian's coffee mug, also for the last time. His hand lingered on the knob as he closed the cupboard door. His fingers caressed the smooth roundness of the mug a moment before he put it on the counter. As the coffee dripped into the pot Justin's tears dripped onto the whole wheat bread he was slicing. When Justin offered Brian his breakfast Brian wiped Justin's wet cheek with his warm palm. Brian's eyes were not dry either.

They ate in silence, their eyes never leaving the face of the other.

Justin put the dirty dishes in the dishwasher with a fleeting smile. He was feeling foolish, but it was undeniable: it was hard to shut the door of the dishwasher for the last time. He pressed the door closed very gently, unwilling to disturb the silence of the loft. When he set the delay start of the machine his fleeting smile reappeared. He couldn't help feeling a little bit better knowing that his presence would be felt in the loft for a little while longer.

Then everything was done. Nothing else was left to do but to put on his coat and to gather his bags.

Brian opened the door for him. Justin stepped out of the door for the last time and turned to look back into the loft. For a long moment he stood there in his silent thoughts. Brian didn't disturb him. Then, for the last time, Justin pulled the door shut and turned to follow Brian down the steps. Justin agreed with Brian: this morning the elevator would have taken him down too effortlessly.

Justin's baggage was put in the trunk of Brian's car, and the two men stepped got into the car themselves, silence still holding. Brian drove out of the garage accelerating slowly among the busy morning traffic. Justin felt no need to hurry either.

Inevitably, they arrived at the airport. Brian parked the car and, without asking, followed Justin to the check-in. Still without a word Justin let Brian carry the heaviest of his bags. For the last time.

Brian kept watch on Justin's carry-on baggage while Justin checked in at the counter. Brian was standing with his back to Justin as he watched people hurrying to their flights. A woman kissed her husband, maybe, quickly on the lips and left almost running to the lower level of the terminal. A man fidgeted on a chair looking at his watch again and again until another man joined him; then they both quickly left the ticketing area. For countless times Brian had hurried through the Landside Terminal to the Airside like those people, but that morning he wasn't in any hurry. A tap on his shoulder brought him back to the present.

Brian led Justin to the nearby Hyatt Regency Hotel. The Olive Press Coffee Bar, where Brian took Justin at the hotel, had been a stage for a great number of goodbyes, but not many scenes like Brian and Justin's had been seen there.

Brian led Justin to a table at the back of the room and went then to order their coffees from the barista. Justin watched him with a little reminiscing smile. He could easily imagine Brian's words, his tone of voice, his every expression. Soon Brian came back and put a beautiful earthenware cup of the aromatic warm drink on the table in front of Justin. Justin's 'thank you' was a little subdued smile. Brian knew that he had seen Justin's sunshine smile for the last time already. His sun had been behind clouds at least for a week. The men drank their coffee speaking only with their eyes. Silence spread around them like the cloud of smoke from Brian's cigarette, which he lit after emptying his cup. Their feet shied away from the feet of the other, their hands didn't seek the hands of the other. They new each other too well.

Too soon it was time to go back to the airport. The distance was painfully short, and so, in no time, they found themselves in front of the greedy maw of the down escalator that was ready to swallow Justin forever. For a long moment they stared into the eyes of each other. The silence between them was heavy with soundless words of love. A lone tear fell on Justin's cheek. Brian dried it with his thumb, the other fingers of the hand caressing Justin's nape, one more time, fleetingly.

"Spread your wings, Justin, and fly away," Brian brokenly quoted an old song as his eyes, too, filled with tears.

Justin couldn't say anything; his throat was full of tears. The fleeting touch was too much.

"Fly away, Justin, far away."

Justin saw through his tears how Brian turned around and walked away without one look back. Soon Brian had disappeared into the crowd.

Justin walked to the escalator through a doorway. His cheeks were wet, and he could barely see. It was the doorway he walked through alone, the one through which Brian didn't step with him. It marked the end of their partnership. It marked the end of Justin's youth.

Return to Ela's