On Brittle Ice

Sarri Kalm was supposed to be at work, but she didn't get there. Something happened that completely messed up her day. And it didn't stop there: it messed up her life in general. In just a few months, the situation turned so bad that Sarri worried about losing her mind. The cause for all that was the loss of a tiny, little thing that Sarri hadn't even known she had.

***** 

Sarri Kalm took her foot from the gas pedal. The car slowed down, but she did nothing. She didn't even brake. She just let the car roll until it stopped.

Trying to avoid crushing into the slowing vehicle, the other drivers on the highway stood on their brakes and turned their steering wheels with white knuckled hands. By pure luck, collisions were avoided. As the drivers drove by, they gave Sarri the bird, but she didn't notice any of the rude signs.

She got out of the car and walked away.

*****

"Look, lady!" a woman's annoyed and loud voice brought Sarri back to the present. "If you can't decide what you want, step aside. There are buying customers, you know, behind you."

She was standing by the counter of a small diner, and the waiter behind it was looking at her, irritated. She did not remember how she got into the place.

"May I have a tea, please," Sarri said.

Only then she thought of checking if she had her purse in her pocket. It was where it always was, in its proper place. Feeling a little less out of control, she paid for her tea and carried the cup to a vacant table.

Sarri knew what was wrong with her, but she couldn't understand her reaction to it. She should be out of her mind with sorrow and worry, but she was not. Excepting the odd sense of being apart from the world around her, she felt like she always did: serene and collected.

Why did I leave the car? She wondered, belatedly. I could've continued driving, gone to work. I should have. There was no need to...

Sarri's thoughts were cohesive, coherent even, but she didn't think about anything meaningful. However, the only outer sign of her mental state was that she lacked her briefcase. Not even a slightest tremor of a hand marred her posture. Her hair was in as perfect a bun as it was when she left home. Her clothes didn't mirror her inner disarray either. Sarri was as neat, as tidy as ever.

But something awful had happened. Whatever her feelings, she needed help. She knew that. She couldn't keep denying the need.

Methodically, Sarri checked whether she still carried her cell phone in her belt-pocket. As she expected, the phone was there. She called Dr. Kahra's office, but the doctor couldn't take her call right then. She was assured that he would call her as soon as he was free.

Dr. Kahra was the specialist she had used before in her troubles with emots. Not that Sarri had had much of such troubles. Her emots were as well behaved as she.

How could this happen to me?

While she waited for the doctor's call, Sarri ordered another cup of tea and tried to concentrate on a magazine she found left on a nearby table. Her mind wouldn't cooperate. She returned again and again to the question of why it happened to her.

Of all people, why me?

At last the phone rang, and she could unburden her heart to Dr. Kahra.

"Mrs. Kalm, this isn't a slight matter." Doctor Kahra sounded very worried. "You need help. Come here, at once."

Of course, Sarri did just that. On her way to the doctor's, in the cab, she tried to remember everything that had happened. The memories were fickle, though. She found it difficult to recall the situation, the thing, the feel of it. The memory was there, a vivid one, but she couldn't get it. Tears rose into her eyes, but she didn't feel a thing. It made no sense.

Dr. Kahra led her into a cozy, little room, and offered her a seat on one of the comfortable armchairs. Without a fuss, he poured her a glass of clear water and put the glass on the side table, near her hand.

"You experienced the Leaving, Mrs. Kalm," the doctor said in soft tones, his Compassion, a little grandmother-like creature with the gentlest eyes, manifesting on his shoulder. "Let's take care of the routine matters first. Where were you when the Leaving took place?"

"I was on my way to work."

"You were driving?" Sarri confirmed the assumption with a nod of her head. "Where's the car now?"

"I left it on the highway...Why did I do such a stupid thing?"

"We'll get to that question shortly, but there are some things to take care of first. Have you called your employer or your husband?"

"No...I didn't even think..." Sarri couldn't understand why she hadn't taken care of those things, either. It was so out of character for her.

"Don't worry about that now. I'll ask Maria to make the calls."

The doctor disappeared for a few minutes, apparently to give the receptionist the orders. In a moment, he was back again.

Dr. Kahra was about ten years older than Sarri. He took eyeglasses out of his pocket and placed them on his nose. He picked up a pen. A notebook was in his other hand. The familiar routines of the doctor calmed Sarri's nerves. Dr. Kahra's Compassion was still visible, but as Sarri knew to expect, it behaved itself. The creature didn't come any closer to Sarri than the doctor himself.

"So, the Leaving took place while you were driving," the man said gently. "Can you tell me, in detail, what happened?"

"I...I can't. I do remember, but for some reason I can't recall it." Sarri tried to explain, but she felt embarrassed even as she said the words. "I'm sure that some emot left me. I am sure!"

"I have no doubt, Mrs. Kalm. Please calm down." The doctor wrote something on his notebook. "It's not unheard of, not being able to recall the details. It's not common, but it does happen."

"Why me?" Sarri wasn't sure what she referred to with her question, though.

"Why didn't the emot survive with you? It feels bad, doesn't it? It's not a good thing, either. We have to find out why the emot left you."

"Will I lose my other emots, too?" Sarri voiced her greatest fear in a very little voice.

"I see no reason why you should," Dr. Kahra hurried to assure his patient, but actually, he was rather worried about the same thing. He concentrated fiercely. He did not want to show his Worry to her. "Not one of your emots is visible at the moment. Is that because of the Leaving?"

"I rarely manifest my emots anymore. They don't bother me much." An audible gasp escaped the doctor. Startled, Sarri turned to look at him. No emot had manifested, though. She hurried to explain, "I mean that my emots are well behaved ones."

"What do you mean by that?" The doctor's voice held no judgment, but he was quite shocked by Sarri's words, and only with great effort he could keep his Shock inside.

"They don't disturb situations or people. They've matured out of unruly behavior." Sarri smiled. "I'm rather happy with them now."

"Yes. As a teenager you came to me with a few unruly ones." The doctor and his Compassion smiled, too. "Matured, you say?"

"The exercises you taught me were very effective. As I grew up, my emots grew up, too. Their youthful wildness is gone. They no longer drive me in troubles."

"You're in total control?"

"Yes." Sarri let out a little chuckle. "Back then, when I was learning to control them, I was like a policeman. They needed discipline. Now, I'm more like a traffic light. Each emot knows when it's got the green light and acts accordingly."

"Every emot follows your schedule?"

"Every one. Not even one unruly one with me." Sarri felt deep satisfaction, but she kept the emot inside. It was not the proper time for her Contentment to manifest. "You see, as you predicted, I learned to control them and myself."

The doctor was horrified. His earlier sessions with Sarri had led to dire consequences. Back then, he had been a newly graduated emotologist, with little experience. Unintentionally, he had done harm. It was increasingly difficult to keep his emots invisible.

"Sarri, dear. I'm very so..." he started to say, but at the same time Sarri stood up, saying, "Thank you, Dr. Kahra, for seeing me in such short notice. I shouldn't take more of your time, though. I am all right. The Leaving happened, but I am not in need of further counseling. I'm really feeling fine."

Against her doctor's recommendation, Sarri was determined to leave. She had had time to calm down. She had had time to examine her feelings. She had noticed that nothing had changed. An emot had left, true. Even so, she lacked nothing important. She didn't feel any difference. As always, she was in total control of her emoticons.

Sarri left, and Dr. Kahra was left with a tangle of emotions. Staring at the empty chair in front of him, he manifested a number of his emoticons: the most prominent were Frustration, Regret, Worry, Anger, Disappointment and Relief. The translucent, three-dimensional creatures varied in size from the size of a melon to the size of a lemon, and each of them sported one primary color which was accented with its complement.

His emots took the appearance of humans, but that was rare. Most people manifested their emots in animal shapes. Sarri didn't; her emots were of an even rarer kind. He had seen Sarri's emots when, as a teenager, Sarri had sought his help with their unruly behavior. They were two-dimensional and extremely reduced. The emots had reminded him of traffic signs. No wonder she controls them like traffic lights! Dr. Kahra thought. But I've got patients waiting. It's time to tell Maria to send in the next one.

*****

Because of the Leaving, Sarri's car was returned to her without fees, and she wasn't charged for leaving the car on the road either. Like nothing had happened, she went on with her life. She went to work every morning and returned home at six in the evening. She performed in her job of an archivist as well as before. At home, she was a perfect wife to her fine husband and a perfect mother to her well-behaved teenaged sons. She was in total control of everything. Actually, the Leaving had no effect on her life that she could tell. She was content.

As it happened, something more significant than some emot abandoning her took place in the months after the Leaving. Sarri was able to leave behind her role as a mother and, instead, to take on the role of a parent as a friend. Most of the time, her sons didn't need Sarri to mother them anymore. Josse and Miika were old enough to take care of themselves. Actually the less she acted like the mother hen, the more content the boys seemed to be. Every now and then, they needed discipline, but what teenage boy didn't? Sarri welcomed the new phase, the new role in her life. The boys were growing up as they should.

A few months after the Leaving, just getting home from work, Sarri found her firstborn at his most immature,.

"Mom!" She was barely through the front door when Josse rushed down the stairs to her, a tangle of emots trailing in his wake. "The coach fired me from..."

"Don't whine, Josse," Sarri said, annoyed. She pushed aside one of the emots. The child's manifestation was completely out of proportion and out of place. It was hovering a few inches from Sarri's nose. It was his Petulance, most likely. As usual, it was difficult to tell what Josse's emot was representing. She had tried to teach him to create easily recognizable emots, but the boy didn't even try. As a teenager I had the same difficulty with my emots. Maybe Josse has inherited the disorder from me? Should I send him to see Dr. Kahra? Josse has to learn to be more careful with manifesting his emots. Misread, an emoticon can have dire consequences.

"Can't it wait? I have the dinner to cook. It isn't the appropriate time for such an outburst."

"It's unfair, Mom!"

Of course, the boy had let that emotion manifest, too.

"What's unfair about it? I have my tasks to take care of; you've got yours. Did you finish your homework yet?"

"Mooom!" Josse grabbed her arm as she turned to the coat rack. He stared her right in the eye, hateful. "As usual, you're not listening. You never listen to me! All you care about are your stupid rules. Go fuck yourself! It's no use talking to you!"

Startled, Sarri looked after the irate young man that, with his unruly emots, was stomping back upstairs.

"Josse," she called, but her heart was not in the call.

Sarri shook her head slightly; what was the drama this time? She hoped that this phase in her boys' growing up wouldn't take very long. Preoccupied, she turned to put her coat on the right hanger and her shoes onto the right shelf. She had the dinner to put together.

The evening was a quiet one. After the dinner, the boys closed themselves into their rooms, and Erno, Sarri's husband, withdrew into his workroom. Sarri mended a few sheets and towels. Later, she watched a TV documentary. At ten o'clock, Sarri sought her bed. Erno joined her shortly.

"Sarri," Erno said in serious tones, his Worry, a gnome-like creature squatting behind one of his legs. "Josse told me that the coach fired him from the team."

"Really?" Sarri wondered why the boy hadn't told her. "Apparently, he wasn't badly disappointed."

"How can you say that?! How could you not see how upset Josse was?"

Sarri wondered what about Josse's disappointment made Erno show such lack of restraint: he let his Exasperation come out: an ugly creature. Usually, Erno was more careful. "He seemed a bit quiet at dinner," she only said, though.

"Sarri!" Erno's Shock manifested, very large. "Josse wasn't a bit quiet; he was mad as a hornet. He was mad at you! Didn't you even notice?"

Sarri just stared at Erno, surprised by such an accusation. At the dinner table, there had been nothing out of order. "Everything was well, as far as I know."

"No, it wasn't. It isn't!" Erno stepped closer to her, putting his hands on her shoulders. "Look at me, wife. What do you see?"

"I see you. And your Shock and Exasperation and Worry; what else would I see?" Sarri couldn't understand what Erno was getting at with such a question. "Why are you making such a fuss, Erno? It's not a big deal. In time, the boy shall learn to control his moods."

"Good Lord, woman! Listen to yourself." Erno shook her. "Learn to control his moods?! Is that all you care about? Can't you see anything else, can't you see the pain, can't you see that your son suffers?"

"He shouldn't let such a thing affect him. It's nothing important, after all."

"Nothing important?" Erno looked deep into Sarri's eyes. "You really think that Josse's dropping out of the team is no big deal. Oh, Sarri. What's happening to you?"

"To me?" Sarri wondered what was wrong with Erno. "Nothing has happened. Everything is as it should be."

"That's it, exactly, wife." Erno let out a heavy sigh. "Everything has to be as it should, everything kept in its proper place, everything done at its proper time."

"Yes, of course." Sarri smiled uncertainly. There was something strange about the way Erno stated the facts.

"Sarri." Erno took a deep, calming breath. "You know that I have always appreciated your placid nature. I have never wanted a whimsical wife prone to hysterics or something. The woman I married was perfect for me. But, Sarri, you aren't that woman anymore!"

"But, Erno," Sarri chimed in, bemused. "Of course I am the same woman. Who else could I be? That sounds absurd."

"No, Sarri, you are not. The woman I married was a bit boring and predictable - and I remind you: it was okay with me - but she was alive. The person you are tonight is dead inside. Whatever you lost in the Leaving, it was something vital, something that made you you. Without it, you're an automaton. An uncaring mother, an unloving wife."

"But," Sarri said again but didn't go on.

Erno watched Sarri for a moment, then he walked out of the room. Sarri went to bed.

*****

Sarri never defended herself against Erno's accusations. Such things didn't really hurt her. It was nothing but Erno having a temper tantrum. Even the best of people have such spells every now and then, and one should never get involved when an adult regressed into such an immature state. Getting involved would just inflame such nonsense. 

She knew her husband; she knew him very well. They had been husband and wife for fifteen years. It didn't surprise her that he lost self control when his first born son was involved in trouble. Josse had been Erno's weak point from the first moment he held the boy. As the boy calmed down so did his father.

Excepting one thing, the household went back to the familiar routines. In Sarri's opinion, the change had nothing to do with Erno's temper tantrum, though. When Erno took to sleeping in another room Sarri didn't try to talk him out of it. They were an old couple; the marriage bed had long since lost its glamour. First, the children had changed the bed from the playground of two adults into a very different playground, and lately, Erno had become a cause of another change. He snored, so it was only natural that they both now had their own bedrooms. The sleeping arrangements meant nothing more. If Erno wanted sex he could come to Sarri's room or invite her to visit his. It was no big deal.

The Kalm family worked like clockwork: everything went as smoothly as possible with two adolescent males in the house. Josse and Miika were no longer children; they were well into their teens. The boys no longer talked with Sarri about anything significant, but she wasn't worried, quite the contrary. She was satisfied. Their secretiveness was to be expected. There wasn't a reason to miss their youthful confessions or little secrets that wasn't a sentimental one. It was just a phase. For a few years, they would pull back from her, but later, if they matured as they should, they would come to her with the truly important things bothering them. It was the way of life. Children left their mothers to come back as friends.

*****

Life went on around her, and Sarri was content watching it all unfold. Nothing bothered her; everything was as it should be. About a year after the Leaving, late one Sunday evening, Sarri was annoyed, though.

"What's the matter with you three?" she said in cold tones as Erno and her sons appeared in the kitchen much later than she had expected. "Where have you been? I cooked on Friday night, on Saturday, and again today, in vain. Three meals that you didn't bother to eat. That's inexcusable, gentlemen. Very bad mannered behavior."

On Friday night, Sarri had been surprised when neither of the boys appeared at the dinner table. Erno was often late at work, so his absence didn't bother her, but the boys were always hungry. On Saturday, she had wondered where the men of the house could be, but of course, such things happened. The boys were probably having dinner with some friend's family, and more than once lately, Erno had had a meal with his mates of the badminton team after their weekend game. But the third time in a row, without telling her beforehand; she was entitled to be irritated, wasn't she?

At her words, thankfully, Erno and the boys stopped their loud prattle. It was not pleasant, such a noise. They looked at her, then at each other.

"Josse, Miika. Go upstairs," Erno said. "I want to talk to your mother, alone."

Without a word, the boys obeyed their father's quiet command. Sarri smiled, pleased with their acceptance of Erno's dominance over them. Such good kids they were.

"Sarri, I took the boys to visit my parents this weekend."

"Why did you go there without me?" She was mildly curious, but the feeling was overwhelmed by the annoyance that was as strong as it was when Erno returned home. "You should've told me, at the very least."

"If only you'd raise your voice," Erno muttered. "Even as annoyed as you are right now, you won't. But, whatever. It doesn't matter."

"What are you talking about? My emots?" Sarri's tone of voice belied her irritation, but nothing more was apparent. "There's no reason to get that emotional."

"There isn't? What about the fact that I did tell you that I was going to Kolla this weekend, with the boys? First, I told you a few weeks ago, when I decided to take them there, and on Friday morning, when you were leaving for work, I told you again. Apparently, you didn't listen to me. Once again, I might add."

"I'm sorry, Erno," Sarri said, but she wasn't. She knew that her reason must have been a good one. "I must've been distracted by something. I guess I was thinking about something more important."

"I wonder what that could've been," Erno harrumphed. "What could a person like you possibly think about?"

"Work?" Sarri said tentatively; she wasn't sure what was wrong. Erno wasn't irrational, not exactly, but something about him was off.

Erno took a beer from the fridge. Sarri didn't like that; it was a Sunday night, and Erno would be driving at morning. She didn't voice her disapproval, though. Erno was an adult. It wasn't her responsibility.

"Sarri," Erno said, turning to look at her, an odd expression on his face. "I think it would be best if you started to look for a new place to live. I want a divorce. I deserve better than you are giving me."

"What?"

Sarri stared at Erno, manifesting her Surprise. The creature jumped onto the table top in front of her. It was long since she had seen the emot. Her Surprise looked thinner and more translucent than she remembered.

"Nothing but a puny, little Surprise." Looking at the emot, Erno grimaced. "In a situation like this, a normal woman would manifest Disbelief, Anger, Fright, and many more of her emots. You show me nothing but Surprise. Do you feel anything, Sarri? Are you too stunted emotionally to feel anything?"

"But why?" Sarri asked, shutting out Erno's prattle. In a situation like this, why is he talking about emots? Emots are irrelevant. The important thing is why he wants a divorce. What reason has he cooked up? Or is it because…? "Do you have someone else?"

"You ask that and your Jealousy doesn't make an appearance. Do you even care?"

"I guess you have. Do I know her? I hope I don't. It would be awkward."

"Awkward. Fuck you, woman!" Erno manifested his Anger; it was a red emot, fierce looking. She didn't remember ever seeing it before. "It's a kind of a miracle, but no. I don't have another woman."

"Why then, Erno? I've done nothing. Why are you talking about divorcing me?"

"Because you have done nothing, that's why!" Erno's Anger grew bigger and even more intense in color. "You have done everything that is appropriate for a wife and for a mother, but nothing more. You do nothing from your heart. Do you even have a heart? I don't think you have. You're an empty shell; no human being is living in that skin. You are cold and uncaring. No. Even a cold and uncaring woman would be something human. Inhuman, that's what you are."

"What are you accusing me of?" Sarri was taken aback. Erno's words didn't make sense. "Coldness? Do you think I'm cold? I'm not frigid. You can't claim that I am. Have you ever asked for sex and not gotten what you wanted? You moved away from our bedroom; I didn't ask you to. Don't accuse me of something you did."

"No tears, no accusations, not even the slightest of rise in your voice?" Erno slammed his hand on the table top. "Woman! Do you really think that sex has anything to do with my reasons to want out of this marriage?"

She did not approve that Erno let his Contempt show and did nothing to rein it in. "That's the most common reason, isn't it?" she just said, though, forgiving the manifestation of the ugly, smirking emot. At the moment, she shouldn't expect him to keep all his emots in check. As rattled as the man was, a few would escape his control. Why is he so rattled? she wondered. What's wrong with him?

"By whose estimation is sex the most common reason for divorce? And what's any statistics got to do with our divorce, anyway? It's about us, about you and me, not the Average Joe and Jane!"

Also Erno's Exasperation was visible now. "Erno, dear. Get a grip on your emotions. It's getting rather crowded in here."

"Listen to yourself! You really don't have a clue what I'm talking about, do you? It's hopeless; it's useless, talking to you. I won't waste any more of my time; I'm going to my room." Erno turned to leave but stopped after a few steps. He turned back and said, "Tomorrow, start looking for a place of your own. If you haven't found a place in a month, I'll get you one. You will be out of my house in no more than five weeks, Sarri. No more than five. The sooner, the better."

Now, I'm worried, Sarri thought. Erno is acting seriously out of character. I have to say something; I have to make him listen to me.

"You're getting foolish notions, husband. I'm the mother. You know that, in divorce, it's best if the mother stays in the house. It's the right way."

Erno rolled his eyes up and so did all his emots, too. "Not in this case." Erno spoke through clenched teeth. "I bought this house for my family. You aren't a member of my family, not anymore, so leave."

Apparently, whatever was wrong with Erno was serious. The man was getting more and more unreasonable. She had to stop this nonsense before it got even more out of hand. Soon, Erno would say things that he couldn't take back, and he certainly would want them unsaid. Things that he hasn't thought through are coming out of his mouth in a rapid torrent. I hope that Erno is still capable of listening to the voice of reason.

"But, why would you force the boys out of their home? If we were to get a divorce it would be much more reasonable for you to move out. It would be best for the boys."

"The boys will stay with me, Sarri," Erno said, coldly. "They don't want you in their lives, either."

"But, children should be with their mother." Should I call a doctor? she pondered. Erno was not in his right mind.

"Maybe. But you're no mother," Erno said, finality in his icy voice. "You're a doll, a robot, a machine. We don't need you. We don't want you!"

Sarri tried to make Erno understand how ridiculous he sounded, how childish were his demands, but Erno wouldn't listen. He just walked away, up the stairs, behind him closing the door of his room. After that there was nobody in sight, no sound of voice from any of the bedrooms. Even if they were all home, Sarri was completely alone.

Like the father, the boys. What a bunch of drama princesses, my men, Sarri thought, a little smile caressing her lips.

Late that night, one of Sarri's emots left her, but she didn't notice. Nobody did.

*****

The next morning, Sarri didn't mention Erno's irrational demands. The man apparently wished to leave the embarrassing incident behind, and Sarri didn't feel the need to take what little was left of his dignity. She let it go.

Life went on. The only difference to Sarri's earlier routine was that the men of her family were more often missing from meals. Since they told her in advance when they would be late she had no objections. To cook for one person instead of four didn't ruin her routine for the evenings.

Some weeks later, one Monday morning, Erno joined Sarri in the kitchen. He handed her a slip of paper and a pair of keys.

"That's the address of your new condo, and these are the keys," he said, pressing the items into Sarri's hand. "Since you're still here this morning, apparently, you didn't find a place to live. Well, I did. It's time for you to move out. I've already started the process for the divorce."

"But, it wasn't..." Sarri started to say, but Erno stopped her.

"Now, I want your keys to this house," he said in demanding tones.

Sarri fished the keys from her handbag. She gave them to Erno, but her hand was oddly hesitant. A wife is supposed to obey her husband; why am I thinking of disobeying mine?

"Leave my house and don't come back. You can keep your car; your other things will be delivered to you this evening, around seven. Be there, or the men will dump everything on the sidewalk in front of the building. Goodbye, Sarri."

Erno turned around and left the room.

*****

Sarri stood there for a long moment in deep in thought. A Leaving? The thought rattled around in her mind. A sound of a slamming car door startled her to the present. She noticed that Josse and Miika hadn't shown up for breakfast.

"Boys!" she called, but there wasn't an answer.

Sarri climbed the stairs, walked through the landing to Josse's door, knocked, and opened the door. Josse wasn't there. She continued to Miika's door. Also that room was empty. The bathroom door wasn't locked, and also that room was empty.

She understood. She was alone in the house. The boys had left with their father.

Sarri drank her tea, ate her sandwich, put the dirty dishes into the dishwasher, brushed her teeth, painted her lips, took her handbag, put her new key into the appropriate pocket in it, and put the paper slip with the new address in there, too. Then she put on her coat and gloves, locked up the house and left. She didn't cry.

At seven that evening, Sarri was in her new condo, receiving her things. With her personal effects, Erno had included every piece of furniture from her old bedroom, so she had a bed for the night, but that was about it. I need to do some shopping tomorrow, she thought as she made the bed. Will I have enough time after work? Maybe I should wait until Saturday.

*****

Sarri didn't mention the divorce to anyone. She had never been friends with her coworkers; there wasn't a reason to tell them. She didn't tell her hairdresser, even; a good person didn't burden such acquaintances with complaints and woes.

Her new address Sarri gave only to her employer and other officials. Erno would tell the boys where she lived. Excepting Josse and Miika, she didn't expect visitors. The people that had visited Erno and her home weren't her friends. They were Erno's friends and business associates or the parents of Josse and Miika's friends. She didn't miss them.

Even as a girl, she never had many friends, and when because of her studies she moved from her little hometown to the capital, even those few friendships had been severed. As a student she hadn't taken the effort to make friends with her fellow students. She knew that they would scatter around the country in just a few years. Instead, she put her energy into finding a husband. As a result of a careful study, Erno and she met in a park where he was playing badminton with a few friends. As she had assumed, Erno was perfect for her and she was perfect for him. Seven months after the meeting, they were a married couple. What went wrong? a little voice asked in the back of her mind, but she didn't pay attention. She kept her mind focused on the matter of friends.

So what if I don't have friends? Even if I had, how could I give parties? Without a husband of my own, it would be improper to entertain the husbands of other women, wouldn't it? Besides, a party is such a cause of stress. The organization of a party disturbs my routines for several days before and after.

But even as stressful as parties were, I knew of them beforehand and got to choose the most convenient date. With neighbors dropping by I never had that remedying factor. At least, I don't need to suffer with those neighbors any more.

Sarri didn't even think about meeting someone in a restaurant or a bar. She would never be seen in such a place without a proper escort.

*****

During the first eight weeks since Sarri moved to the new place, Josse and Miika visited her every Saturday afternoon. As they had agreed, the boys came at noon and left four hours later. The ninth week was different.

"What's the matter?" Sarri asked Miika who appeared at the appointed time but alone. "Where's your brother?"

"So, you didn't read the email father sent you last night," the boy said in accusing tones. "I told him not to bother."

"Why?" Sarri was rather surprised by the vehemence in Miika's voice. "What's happened?"

"Why I told father not to bother? Because you never read your emails anyway."

"Of course I do. I check my email twice each day."

"Yeah. You check them. But do you read the messages?"

"Of course."

"Oh, don't you sound pleased with yourself, Mother?" Miika said manifesting his Contempt. "Yes, you read them, but checking them, you classify them as important and less important ones. The latter you read later.

"If you hadn't moved father's message to the less important folder you would know why Josse isn't here. Actually, if you had read the message I wouldn't be here either, and you wouldn't have expected me to come here today."

"What are you talking about?" The boy was letting a multitude of emots show, but Sarri could only guess what most of them were. One she did recognize, though: Fright. What makes my son frightened in my presence?

"Maybe you should read the message!"

Sarri thought it best to indulge the irate young man. She turned on her computer, and browsed the folder in which she kept the less important messages. Miika was right; she had a message from Erno waiting to be read.

"There's no title. How could I know that the message was an important one if Erno doesn't bother with a title?"

"Read the fucking message!" Miika practically screamed.

Erno's message was a short one: "Josse is in hospital. He was injured in a car accident. It seems likely that he has a broken arm, nothing else. Since you don't answer your phone, I hope this message reaches you."

Sarri stared at the screen. Her expression didn't change, not a sound escaped her throat. She didn't even blink.

"Mother?"

A voice from somewhere far away drifted into her mind, and she closed her eyes. She took a deep breath before she turned to look at Miika. "How is he?"

"I don't know. It was a busy night at the hospital, and Josse was taken to the operating room only this morning. It wasn't over when father sent me here."

"Yes, a broken arm isn't a life threatening injury."

"Fuck you!" Tears rose into Miika's eyes as he cast a fast fist-shaped look at Sarri. "How can you say something like that, as if it was nothing? We knew about the broken arm, but what if it wasn't all there was? What if something else was wrong, too? We didn't know for sure. And Josse was in pain! Throughout the night he was in terrible pain, and they didn't even give him any painkillers. He suffered and nobody helped."

"I was just thinking aloud..." Sarri said, trying to defend herself, but her words just made the situation worse. Miika let out a wordless, angry shriek, and ran out of the condo. Sarri went after him, but he was running down the stairs. She followed as quickly as she could, but when she reached the street, the boy had already disappeared.

For a minute, Sarri stood by the door, then she walked back inside, went back to her condo to get a coat and other things she needed. She was going to the hospital.

*****

Sarri decided to walk because she knew that a free parking lot would be all but impossible to find. It took her no more than thirty minutes to walk to the big white building. In the waiting room, she found Miika in better shape. As she had assumed, the boy had rushed to the hospital and was in the waiting room with his father. Good news about his brother who was out of the surgery had calmed him down. They had to wait for a while before they were allowed to see Josse, but they found him in quite good shape. In addition to the operated arm, there were no other injuries to worry about.

With good care, the young man recovered quickly and in six weeks was well enough to continue his life quite like nothing had happened.

The same couldn't be said about Sarri. During those few hours in the waiting room, something happened.

As soon as Erno saw her at the entrance to the waiting room, he strode through the room to her. Through clenched teeth he told her to keep her phone on in the future. Sarri tried to tell him that she had forgot to charge the battery, but Erno stopped her explanation almost before she started with it. In addition to telling her that Josse was out of the operation and was expected to make a full recovery, he had nothing to say to Sarri. While they waited for Josse to wake up, Erno didn't pay any attention to her, and neither did Miika.

Sarri tried to keep her own company. It wasn't easy, though. There were dozens of emots in the room. Some of them were small and translucent, others were swollen and vividly colored. Some of them kept close to the people they belonged to, but others did not. The emots that were manifestations of feelings towards other people went to those people. Or, that was what they would've done in a normal situation.

In this crowded waiting room some emots seem to be attaching themselves to the wrong people, Sarri thought as she tried to prevent an emot coming too close. All these emotional people in one place make the room quite uncomfortable.

The emot didn't take "no" for an answer. Again and again, Sarri shook her hand in front of the creature, and it drifted away, but in a moment it was back. She stood up and walked to another chair. The emot followed. She tried to slap it, but her hand went right through. Erno and Miika were watching her trouble with the emot, grinning widely. Some other people were watching, too. Sarri felt her cheeks warming, and she slouched deeper into the chair. The emot landed on top of her head. Miika laughed out loud.

It must be someone's Compassion directed to me. That's the only plausible explanation, Sarri decided. The sooner I get out of this room the better. As soon as the person forgets me, the emot will be gone. I hope Josse will wake up soon!

But the emot followed Sarri even to Josse's room.

Is that person, whoever it is, still thinking about me? Why would anyone do a thing like that? Or...is it Miika? He could be making fun of me. Maybe it's not Compassion after all.

By the time they were asked to leave so Josse could get some rest, Sarri was quite annoyed with the stubborn emot. Exiting the building, she let out a sigh of relief. It won't follow me much longer now. The distance from the person to me will be too big. Fortunate that there is a maximum distance. Sarri hurried to the street and walked home. As she assumed, the emot disappeared before she reached her building. The rest of the Saturday evening went without changes to her schedule. As Sarri sought her bed, the emot was all but forgotten.

The next morning an appallingly familiar looking emot was perching on the foot of her bed.

*****

Openmouthed staring at the emot, Sarri sat up. The thing was orange, not bigger than her palm, but without her contact lenses Sarri couldn't be sure of anything else. For a moment the emot stared back at her, then it launched itself right at her. Sarri didn't have time to react before the creature was hugging close to her nightgown covered chest. She could feel its tiny hands tugging at the fabric.

"Mine!" a tiny voice declared. "My Sarri."

"What the...!"

The emot just burrowed its face deeper in between Sarri's breasts. That was too much! She grabbed the emot and, unlike the day before, was able to get a hold of it. She lifted the creature in front of her short-sighted eyes.

It was a tiny, little girl that was grinning widely, a set of pearly white teeth glittering in the morning light. Its emerald green eyes were glittering, too, and it was clapping its hands. The orange frock it was wearing flew around its feet that were kicking in a lively fashion.

"Get up! Get up! Sun's riding high already. Birds are singing!" The emot tugged at a strand of Sarri's hair.

Sarri couldn't believe she wasn't dreaming. It was the same emot with which she had been stuck at the hospital.

This cannot be happening! Sarri thought. Emots do not exist out of their range. They can't. Can't. Can't speak either.

Sarri had never heard an emot speak before. She had never even heard of a speaking emot. In fact, it was a well-known fact that emots didn't speak. They communicated, sometimes, but it was always done internally. Of course it was: an emot was a visible representation of one's feelings, a representation of a state of mind. But the emot in front of Sarri spoke.

I must be going mad! I'm hearing things.

Throughout the Sunday, the emot never left Sarri's side. It worried her. The first thing on Monday morning, she called to Dr. Kahra's office and made an appointment for the next Wednesday afternoon.

*****

As a reaction to Sarri's tale about the speaking emot, Dr. Kahra manifested only his Curiosity. She was grateful for his good manners: she had prepared herself to seeing at least his Amusement, maybe even his Pity.

Sarri was sitting in the same comfortable room that had been the place of their meeting in the time of the Leaving. The emot was fluttering around the room, looking, touching, even tasting the things the doctor had placed on the shelves and table tops.

"Look, Sarri!" the emot chirped flying to the window. "A magpie! It's carrying a shiny thing in its beak!"  

"I know it's impossible, but I hear it speaking," Sarri said avoiding looking at the emot or at the doctor. "Anyway, that's what my ears seem to tell me. What's wrong with me?"

"If there's something wrong with you, it must be contagious. I hear her, too, Mrs. Kalm," the doctor said in a gentle voice.

Sarri lifted her gaze to the face of Dr. Kahra. "Really?"

"Really. She's got a lovely voice."

"But emots do not speak."

"That's a very rare little thing we've got with us here," Dr. Kahra said smiling a little. "In all my years as an emotologist, she is the first speaking emot I've met."

"I've never heard about such a thing." Sarri wasn't sure if the doctor was telling her the truth. Or maybe she was hearing things, again. Could she trust her ears?

"That doesn't surprise me. Emots speak only in one particular situation. It's not commonly known because the professionals of this field consider it best that this particular situation is known only by those that are forced to participate in it."

"And I am such a person?"

"Apparently. The situation you're in is called the Reaching."

"The Reaching?"

"Yes. It's a situation in which an emot is reaching out to a person, and a person is reaching out to it."

"I'm not reaching out to that!" Sarri burst out saying, pointing with her chin at the emot that was fluttering upside down near the ceiling. It's antics didn't make her smile, but she noticed the doctor's amusement.

"Apparently, she's more intent about the Reaching than you are. But still, you're reaching out, too. It's a question of degrees. Your interest in her may be almost non-existent while her interest in you is very keen indeed."

Sarri frowned. "You say that an emot is reaching out. An emot itself, not the person it belongs to?"

"Yes. That's the case in Reaching. There isn't a person reaching out to you."

"But that's...I don't understand. What does it mean, the Reaching? What is happening to me?"

"Nothing bad is happening to you. You don't need to worry!" Dr. Kahra patted her hand. "I so hoped you had taken my advice when the Leaving took place, Mrs. Kalm. If you hadn't rushed out in such a hurry you would already know what I'm about to tell you. You see: the Reaching is related to the Leaving.

"As you know, since that happened you have been incomplete. You've lacked the emotion of which the emot that left you was the manifestation. Emotionally, you are a stunted person. Depending on the emotion that you now lack, your personality has changed more or less dramatically. I hope it hasn't cost you too much."

"Just my marriage and my children..." Sarri said wondering where the words came from. She felt strange. She felt the loss of her loved ones more clearly than when it all happened which didn't make sense. Shouldn't feelings fade as time went by? "I...I don't know..."

"I'm so sorry, Mrs. Kalm!"

The doctor's Compassion appeared and slowly, carefully, approached Sarri. She allowed the creature in her space. Sarri blinked. I feel comforted! I feel his warm regard! It feels odd, out of place, somehow.

"Something is different..." Sarri said, amazed and a little afraid. "I feel things that, it seems to me, I shouldn't be feeling. At least, before I haven't reacted like I am reacting now."

"Hmm." The doctor took a good look at her, then he nodded his head, having come to some conclusion. "It would seem that, as is to be expected, your emotional balance is in disarray. In the Leaving you lost your capability of an emotion. Whatever that was, its loss didn't shake your emotional balance. But..."

"Wait," Sarri chimed in. "What do you mean? You seem to contradict your own words."

"Ah, true." Grimacing, Dr. Kahra took a moment to think. "Let's say it was your capability of joy that you lost. Until there's a reason for joy to swell inside of you, your lacking capability of that emotion has no impact on your emotional balance. But if you are put in a situation in which you should react with joy but cannot, then your emotional balance is affected."

"I see. You mean that I've been in a situation in which I should've reacted, but because of the Leaving I couldn't. Therefore, emotionally, I'm out of balance."

"Exactly. Do you have any idea what that situation might have been?"

"How far back should I look?"

"It seems that you just discovered the unbalance," Sarri affirmed the assumption with a nod of her head, "so the situation most likely occurred in recent days, during the weekend maybe. Did anything happen that would involve strong feelings?"

"Josse...my son was in an accident..." Sarri stopped to think.

"Is he all right?" the doctor asked, but Sarri didn't listen to him. She tried to recall the events of the last Saturday; she tried to recall her feelings. What did I feel when I first heard that Josse was in hospital? What was the extent of my feelings?

"I was told that my son had been in a car accident, what his injuries were supposed to be and that he had been in the hospital overnight. I was worried, but not frightened. Shouldn't I have been frightened? A mother should be frightened for her injured child, right? Why wasn’t I frightened? Miika was afraid of what might happen to his brother, but I wasn't. Why? Was that what I lost in the Leaving: my capability to experience fear?"

"Are you feeling fearless?"

"Hmm. Fearless is pretty close to being courageous, isn't it? Am I courageous?" Sarri turned her thoughtful eyes to the doctor. "I don't think I am, but I'm not frightened either. I'm not afraid of taking risks, but I'm unwilling."

"I don't think that you lost your Fear in the Leaving. If you had, the changes in your personality would be much more extreme. Fearlessness, recklesness, irresponsible behavior, such things would have come forth."

"You seem to point out that emotions aren't independent from each other. If one emotion is lost, some other becomes more prominent, right? In the absense of joy other feelings are prone to appear."

"You got it right. We always experience feelings. Even indifference is a feeling. At the very least, emotions seem to have a dual-existence with their opposite. It might be a more complicated structure than that, too."

"So, the Leaving not only left me without some emotion; it also made room for the opposite of that particular emotion to take over more often?"

"Yes. That's another reason why I wanted you to continue with therapy after the emot left you. You were stepping onto brittle ice: untrustworthy and dangerous. It seems to me that the ice has already betrayed you."

"I was a fool, not to listen to you." Sarri's eyes were remorseful. The little, orange emot perched on her shoulder, petting her with a tiny hand.

"Not a fool, just ignorant." Dr. Kahra grinned as the little emot got a bored expression on her face. It floated like a feather in a gentle breeze to Sarri's feet, landing on one polished shoe. There its attention got arrested by its mirror image. "But I think that you're right about the event that shifted the balance. Your son's accident would have created some strong emotions. If one of the appropriate ones wasn't available and was replaced by its opposite, you would certainly be left in an unbalanced emotional state. I would like you to go deeper to those memories. Try to name the reaction, the feeling that wasn't the correct one."

Without a trace of reluctance, Sarri directed her thoughts back to that Saturday, to her meeting with Miika, Erno and Josse, to her reactions to everything that happened. She was silent for quite a while.

"I think that the deciding moment was the one I already mentioned: when I first heard of the accident. My lack of fear was the wrong reaction."

"Very good. Go on."

"I'm sure that I wasn't afraid, but didn't you say that I always have some emotion...ah...switched on?" The doctor nodded his head, awknowledging the fact. "So there was some feeling, an inappropriate one, and it would be the opposite of the feeling that I lost." Dr. Kahra confirmed also that assumption. "Why is the memory so elusive!"

"Most likely so much was happening at the same time that you didn't pay much attention to your individual feelings. They might have been a tangle at the moment."

"Yes, you're right," Sarri said somewhat absentmindedly, thinking to herself. "I can remember the tangle of feelings."

"Focus on the memory. Which feelings were on the surface?"

"Worry, concern, hurry. Those I felt the most. But there were other feelings with them." Sarri stopped to think. "Shock, I remember feeling slightly shocked. And I was a bit angsty, a bit frustrated, and...annoyed. I was annoyed. Is that a normal reaction?"

"What do you think?"

"Right before getting the news about Josse, I was having a quarrel with Miika, who was mad at me, so I guess annoyance was a normal feeling in that situation. In retrospect, his anger feels quite odd. Was he possibly venting his fright through that anger, what do you think?"

"It's quite possible, yes, but I think that your annoyance wasn't the feeling we are looking for. Shall we go on? Which other feelings can you pick out of the tangle?"

"Uncertainty, I was uncertain of what I should do. It was entangled with a feeling of inability to make any decicions. And..." A thought took Sarri by surprise. "I was reluctant to do anything. In a situation like that, is that a normal reaction, to be reluctant to act?"

"I would hazard a guess that you don't think it is."

"What kind of a mother would rather remain home, doing nothing when her child is hurt? That's what I felt. That is the inappropriate emotion I had! I'm sure of it. That's the opposite of the emotion that I lack."

"Good job, Mrs. Kalm! I'm proud of you."

"Thanks. But...what's the opposite of reluctance to act?"

"That's your next task to find out. And you've got a clue: the little orange emot!"

Sarri looked at the emot. It was hovering at the window looking out. "Really? How?"

"Let me tell you what the Reaching is, will you?" The doctor swiveled around in his chair and took a book from a shelf behind him. The book he handed to Sarri. "Have you read this?"

The book was titled The Basics of Emotology. Sarri nodded her head "yes". She knew the book well. As soon as children learned to read their parents presented them with a copy. As the dutiful child she was, she read the book from cover to cover more than once.

"But, I don't remember it saying anything about the Reaching," she said.

"It doesn't, but it tells you in detail what happens in the Leaving. It also tells you why the Leaving happens. Do you remember the reason?"

"Yes. The book says that the Leaving indicates that 'a person has starved an emot'. I don't know...the explanation sounds quite childish."

"You're right, but then, the book is written for children. In the light of your own experience of the Leaving, what do you think it means?"

"I guess I hadn't had the emotion in question for a very long time, so the emot representing it left me." Sarri felt a slight embarrasment warming her cheeks. Her explanation sounded quite childish, too.

"You seem to know what happened, but you lack the words you need to describe it. Let me help you. In the Leaving an emot really detached itself from you. The reason for that can be found in your emotional behaviour. When you took a stranglehold on your emotions, you 'starved' the emot."

"Stranglehold?"

"Think about a situation that makes you happy. A person that has a stranglehold on his or her emotions wouldn't let the happiness take over without pondering whether it is appropriate to be happy. Such a person second guesses his or her feelings and often ruthlessly suppresses them."

"I see..." Sarri said quietly, reflecting back to her own experiences. I struggled so hard to learn to control my emots. But did I ever learn... "I thought I had learned to control my emots. I told you about it, didn't I, the last time we met? But, am I in control of my emots? Did I only learn to control my emotions? If I don't feel, I can't manifest an emot, and so I seem to be in control of my emots."

"It seems to me that that's exactly what you've been doing." The doctor smiled approvingly at Sarri. "You understand now why an emot left you. It couldn't survive in an emotional wasteland."

A sad little smile showed on Sarri's face. The doctor uses quite a number of metaphors, and that's a good thing, actually. They do help me understand. Such vivid imagery brings things to the reality much better than just the theoretical terms I've thought are best to use when I've explained things.

"Now we can move to the Reaching," the doctor went on. "Because of the Leaving, you're lacking an emot. There's a vacancy, so to speak, waiting to be filled."

"What?!" Sarri was staring at the doctor, her eyes wide open. Then she shook her head. "No, of course not. You can't mean that I could get my emot back. I was taught that one loses the emot forever."

"True, I'm not saying that. The emot that left you is gone forever." Contrary to Sarri's expectations, Dr. Kahra didn't show his Compassion. Actually, he looked almost smug. "But, since you're willing, you can get another one."

"Could I...but...?" Sarri felt flabbergasted.

"That's the meaning of the Reaching."

"Please, explain! That's so far from everything I've ever heard."

"The Reaching is a rare condition. Not every person that has experienced the Leaving will experience the Reaching. There are two conditions that seldom are met. First, the person has to be at least a little bit willing. Second, there has to be an available emot of the lacking kind."

"An available emot?!" Sarri was perplexed. What are you talking about, doctor? How can an emot be available?

"Yes, in very rare situations there can be free emots around. One such a situation is the Leaving. For about fifteen minutes after the emot left you, it was available for Reaching. After that period of time the emot dissipates. The other situation where there are free emots around is common for every man. During the fifteen minute timeframe after a person's death his or her emots are available for Reaching."

"Death...The hospital? In my case, the conditions were met there, while I was waiting to be let in to see Josse?"

"Yes, the Reaching took place there and then. The little, orange darling there is the emot that you lack, but it's been born within another human being."

"The emot I lack..." Sarri looked at the emot like she never had seen it before. "Such a little thing. Losing it completely messed up my life."

"I'm so sorry, Mrs. Kalm."

"Sarri, please. Call me Sarri." For the very first time, Sarri found it uncomfortable to be called by Erno's family name. I'm no longer his wife. I'm not Mrs. Kalm, I'm not that person anymore. "It seems that things are changing rapidly for some reason," Sarri said, uncertainty coloring her voice.

"You mean things like the address?" Sarri nodded her head in agreement. "Thank you, by the way, and please, call me Lenni. Does it surprise you, that you're changing?"

"I've never wanted changes." Sarri stopped abruptly. "That's it, Dr...eh...Lenni!"

"What did you come up with, Sarri? Please go on."

"It's always been difficult for me to adjust to changes. I've been unwilling, reluctant even, to change anything. Just like the feeling I had when I heard about Josse's accident. The opposite of that is to want changes, isn't it, Lenni?"

"Sounds right to me, yes."

"What is that emotion? By what name does one call willingness to experience changes?"

"What would you want to call it? It's your feeling; you're free to name it as you will."

Sarri was silent for a long moment, her brow furrowed by the deep thoughts. Apparently, the emot thought that she had been silent long enough. It flew in front of Sarri, and grabbed two tiny fistfuls of Sarri's bangs and pulled, hard.

Sarri stared at the little creature in amazement, then she laughed out loud. "It's Hunger for Life!" she announced, triumphantly. "I felt it when she touched me. How can I have lived without you?" Sarri was talking to the emot. "I won't never ever let you go!"

"Well, Sarri. You just jumped from the Reaching to the next of the rare conditions: the Gaining. Congratulations! You're whole again."

"What?! Whole? Can it be? Just like that?"

"Just like that. In the Reaching you reached out to the emot. In the Gaining you accepted that it is yours. That's all it takes."

"I can feel it!" Sarri smiled radiantly. "I'm whole. The emptiness is gone. And I never really felt the emptiness inside of me, but now that it is gone I know that it was there. How peculiar!"

"We are peculiar things, us humans," Dr. Kahra chuckled.

"But why didn't I know anything about the Reaching or about the Gaining? I didn't think I was so ignorant about emots."

"The knowledge of both is withheld for a good reason, Sarri. I trust that you won't let the secret out, either. If you told people about the conditions you would cause harm."

"You can trust me. Of course!" Sarri hurried to say. "But why would it be harmful to tell people?"

"Think about it. I'm sure that you can find the reason."

"Ah...I think that...does...well, innocence have a role in it?"

"You're on the right track. Go on."

"It seems that my ignorance kept me innocent. My reactions were kind of true. Oh dear. I can't explain it well."

"It's hard to tell about something for which you lack the special vocabulary, isn't it? Actually, you're managing quite well, but let me help you. The better word than innocence is spontaneity. Spontaneity means that one's actions are motivated more by emotions than by reason. In order to gain your new emot you needed to be motivated by your feelings. If your reason would have motivated your reaching out the emot wouldn't have answered, and you couldn't have accepted the emot wholeheartedly."

"Yes. That's what I tried to say." Sarri held out her hand, and the emot landed on her palm. It danced, the orange frock twirling around it. Sarri laughed, delighted. "What's your name, darling?" she asked quietly.

"Nita. I want to be Nita," the emot sang. "Nita, Nita, Nita!"

"Hello, Nita!" Sarri laughed. Nita bowed, a wide smile on her face.

"She gave you a name?" the doctor asked, amazed.

"Yes, didn't you hear her? She's Nita."

"I'm honored to know her name. It suits her well. Thank you for sharing it with me. But to answer your question: no, I didn't hear her say it."

"Her voice is as tiny as she is, I guess."

A delighted smile still lingered on Sarri's face. The doctor wouldn't have wanted to bring Sarri back from whichever nice place she had gone to, but he had no choice. Sarri needed to know some things.

"Actually, that's not the reason why I didn't hear her speak. You might remember me saying that emots rarely speak." The doctor waited for Sarri's affirmation before he went on. "If an emot speaks during the Reaching anyone can hear it, but you and Nita are past that phase, and now nobody can hear her but you."

"She is like my other emots? I've never had discussions with my emots...well, unless you count me commanding them. I think that you've hinted that it's possible to discuss with one's emots, haven't you?"

"Most people talk with their emots; I do. You can talk out loud or you can have internal conversations with Nita and your other emots, whichever you like the best in any given situation." The doctor stood up. "I'm sorry to cut our conversation short, but another person is waiting for his session. Would you take a minute on your way out and set up a few sessions with me in the near future? There are still things you should be aware of."

Sarri promised to take his advice and was ready to leave. Nita was jumping on her shoulder, holding onto her hair for balance. Having seen everything there was to see in the office, the little girl seemed ready for a new adventure.

"Have fun with Nita!" Sarri's doctor said with a boyish grin. "She's a darling. I hope to see you both soon."

*****

After the Gaining, Nita was almost constantly manifest with Sarri. The first people to notice the companion were Sarri's co-workers, but they didn't speak about it with her: behind her back the tongues were flapping, though. The first person to mention Nita to her was Miika.

The boys were once again visiting their mother. She took them by surprise suggesting that they could spend the afternoon at the High Island Zoo. Nothing like that had happened since the boys were little. Josse and Miika agreed to the plan, and despite their doubts, the three of them had a wonderful time walking around the island and observing the animals. They had joked and talked, eaten ice cream and other unhealthy, unnecessary foods. But, the afternoon was at its end, and they were walking to the bus stop where the boys would catch a ride home. Miika pointed at the orange emot.

"What's that, Mother? I know it's rude to ask, but I've never seen it before, and it's been with you all the afternoon. You've never let an emot show for such a long time."

"I'm sorry, son. I can't tell you what she is; it's a very private feeling. But I can tell you that without her I wouldn't survive."

"If it's so important, why have we never seen it before?" Josse chimed in.

"I've been seeing an emotologist, Dr. Lenni Kahra." Sarri welcomed the opportunity to explain things to her sons. She was going through some profound changes, and she didn't want the boys to wonder what was happening to her. "I've learned that the way I was managing my emots was very harmful. The Leaving that you know about was just one of the consequences. I'm learning a new way of living, a new way of reacting to whatever happens to me. I'm feeling much better. This little thing," Sarri held out a hand, and Nita landed on one finger," is the manifestation of it."

"You seem happier, Mother," Miika said and Josse showed his agreement by a nod of his head. "You're more fun to be with, too," Josse went on, grinning.

The bus came and the boys left. Sarri and Nita waved at them, and then they were alone.

That was a good idea, the zoo. What shall we do now, Nita? Sarri asked in her mind. A little smile lingered on her lips. It's too early to go home, and the evening is beautiful.

Flowers! Nita enthused.

Across the street was a park, and a bush in full bloom could be seen through the fence. Sarri decided to take a closer look. After doing that, she just wandered around the park, taking in the sights.

I have never before walked in a park like this, without a destination, without a purpose: just for fun. Before, I would've walked through a park in order to save time. In the evening like this, I would've gone home, cooked a meal, watched TV for a while, and gone to bed. Why on earth did I live like that? Why did I think that it was the best thing to do, to always do the most reasonable thing?

What was so reasonable about my routines? What was the purpose of getting things done in as short a period of time as I could when I had nothing to do afterwards? What was the purpose of saving money when we had all we needed and more?

Reasonable behavior was such a narrow concept to me. I didn't value anything but effectiveness and appropriateness. I thought that I had to use my time, my money, my energy as effectively as possible. I needed to get more done, I needed to get more things with my income. The quantity of things was more important than the quality of them. Or, I had to do the things the "right way". I spent a lot of time and energy trying to decide what was the right thing to do. Why? Who determines the right way, or the wrong one? I certainly didn't use my own brains for that.

Why couldn't I see reasons to enjoy the little pleasures life offers me every day? Why couldn't I see reason in that?

At another entrance of the park, Sarri smiled at the girl tending a kiosk near the gate. "I love your colorful flowers!" she told her, letting her fingertip brush over one soft petal. "What are those orange ones?"

Soon Sarri was walking home a huge bouquet of orange flowers in her arms. Nita was sitting on the topmost flower, chirping all the way home.

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