Trangressions

Part 4

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Justin/Gabriel's memories /day of the suicide

My heart feels heavy after I leave Molly's hospital room. The strain of what I must do weighs oppressively on my soul. I think of Brian and wonder how he will survive this. Will he forgive me? Will he still love me? He never says that he does but I know.

I run to my house wiping the tears from my eyes. I am so frightened to come home. What if my father is there? What will happen if we must face each other again? I push my fears away since I need to go in and find the supplies I will use to depart this world.

I have not decided the final way to end it all. I know that I am turning cold inside and my emotions are numb from all my broken hopes and dreams. I can't live like this anymore. I think of taking an overdose of heroin or maybe slitting my wrists.

I step up to my family's house and feel the shudder of a cold chill running through my body. Walking into the entryway my eyes are drawn to the bar that holds my father's scotch. Every time he is unable to handle something the scotch is in his hand. I walk towards the bar in a trance-like state taking the crystal bottle in my hand. Tilting the foul liquid to my lips I take a small swallow. Something deep down in my sub-conscious tells me not to drink any more, but I want to. I want to drink it to my death, but I can't. First I need to say good-bye to Brian. The burn of the alcohol does nothing to alleviate the numbness that consumes my body as images blur and fade behind my eyes eventually fading to a hollow blackness.

I fight my way up the stairway and a mist forms in the darkened haze that is closing in around me. Seeing the dreaded closet door all the memories return to me. My little sister is scarred for her life and now her brother is taking his own life. I lean against the wall and slide down it, breaking with emotions. What am I doing to her? What will she become when I leave? My thoughts start floating in and out of reality when I see my father's cabinet full of heroin. A buzzing sound surrounds me and droplets of blood stain the floors. All of a sudden I'm grabbing for a box of straight razors. I see the scotch bottle again and then once more everything fades to black.

As if waking from a dream I find myself standing in front of Brian's house holding a large manila envelope. I gasp for breath and wonder where the last hours went as I look at my watch. I look down at the envelope in my hand and ponder where the fuck it came from.

"Fuck." I feel like something huge has happened. Something that will change all of existence as I know it. That seems an odd thought considering that I'm going to take my own life soon. I try to remember but I can't fill in those lost hours no matter how hard I try. Maybe it's not important in the whole scheme of things that I know.

I climb up the ladder to Brian's room with the manila envelope firmly in hand. I pause when I hear his guitar and his heart wrenching voice singing a haunting song.

My unspoken words

Cut you to the bone

I never meant to fail you

Everything seems so surreal

Wake me

Wake me

From this nightmare

I want to be there to catch your fall

Tattered dreams and bitten nails

In this darkened haze

Everything seems to fade

My life

My loss

What the fuck

Where has he gone

I will kill

I will kill

The fucking bastard

Who will lay a hand

I hear Brian hitting his guitar as he yells at the top of his lungs and I cringe as I hear his pain. Now I know I can't tell him, I'll just have to say good-bye in a different way. I stumble over to the window and fall into his room. My brain is foggy and I feel drugs in my system yet I don't remember taking them. Have I really come to this? Missing entire pieces of my life?

He stares at me in shock as though he has never seen me before. "Oh my God," he utters. "Fuck, Justin! Justin, are you with me?" He's shaking me violently. Why the hell is he shaking me? I feel Brian's tears on my cheek. "Fuck you can't leave me, Justin."

My body is numb.  I can no longer feel him moving me as I stare into emptiness. I hear him counting and one and two and three. Suddenly pain shoots through my body. He sits me up as I violently cough. "What the fuck is going on?" I plead gasping for breath.

He takes me into a deep embrace. "Holy fuck, Justin, I thought I lost you."

"I'm here, Brian." I place my hand on his face and see the love in his eyes. I know he will never say it but it is so evident in ever fiber of his being. I debate with myself if I am making the right choice. I know my decision will kill him from the inside out. "Brian?"

"Yeah?"

"Will you promise me that if anything happens to me you will go on and live your life? I promise I will come back though. Will you wait for me?"

I see the pain in his eyes and the scowl upon his face. "Justin, what the fuck are you talking about?"

I feel my own voice weakening. "Please promise me, Brian. I know I don't have much longer." I choke back my tears. "You know it too. Please, please, please, fucking promise me you will wait for me."

He pulls me into his arms. "I promise. Fuck! I fucking promise. Ok? What else would I do?" He pulls back looking deep into my eyes and I know that he has to know. How can he not?

I notice Brian is holding the envelope and it's open. There is fear in his eyes as he whispers, "Justin, what have you done? Jesus Christ, what have you done? Why are you trying to kill yourself?" Memories are fading in and out of my head and nothing is making sense. I see a baggie of heroin and I'm talking to myself. Why the fuck am I talking to myself? What in the fuck am I saying? A flash of light cuts through the darkness.

Suddenly I feel completely sober and scared. I am looking into Brian's tear stained hazel orbs. "Fuck! Brian? What's wrong?"

His breathing is heavy and labored. "Justin?! Shit, you scared me. I thought I lost you again." He rocks me gently back and forth. "You fell into my room holding that envelope mumbling things about scotch and heroin, making absolutely no sense. I took the envelope from you and took out the contents then you stopped breathing." He starts shaking uncontrollably. "Fuck, I did CPR and you came back. Shit!"

Sitting up I feel perfectly fine. "What the fuck are you talking about? I'm fine, Brian." The fear on his face tells me otherwise and I know I am not OK. There is something totally fucked up going on and the hell if I know what it is.

I see the sadness in his eyes. "I understand why you're doing this." He looks utterly defeated.

I don't want to think about it. I know what I need to do. I run my frail hands across his strong chest and his breath shudders under my touch. I want him now. I need him right now. I forcefully press my lips onto his until we are engaged in a tender kiss. Our lips and bodies melt into each other becoming one. His warm breath against my lips sends chills throughout my body as I sigh into each stroke of his tongue. It's not long before our passion overtakes us.

Brian pulls back hastily. "Justin, we can't do this," he stutters. "Jesus Christ! You just...just ,fuck! Justin, I don't want to hurt you."

I lean into him kissing him again. "Brian, please, really I'm fine. I need you so bad."

Hesitantly his hand gently strokes my bruised and tattered skin. His light kiss penetrates my spirit as his moist tongue licks from my neck to my ear. My body shivers as it submits to his will. My moans echo through his small room and Brian captures them into his mouth. Softly he touches the inside of my elbow and I let the sensations flow through me.

Brian's eyes start to glisten with lust and need as we strip off our clothes. Our naked bodies warm each other and his hard cock presses against my own. For a split moment he pulls away looking at me and I gasp at his beauty. I wish I knew what he was seeing. All I see in me is flesh and bone. I don't know how Brian can see anything more than that. In my own mind I am dead and no longer of this world.

He lays me on the bed slowly running his hands over my torso. I smile at him and he stops and smiles back weakly. God I wish he would say something for I know what I am going to do is right. I know I don't need his approval but I desperately need to know if he will be ok.

As I squirm under his watchful eye, Brian takes in a deep breath and engulfs my mouth frantically. A muffled whimper escapes our lips when I imbed my fingers into his skin. I close my sapphire blues tightly as an animalistic cry emerges from my soul in agony. I feel Brian pulling away and I keep my eyes closed bringing him back to me, clinging tightly. I don't want to let go of him. I can't let go.

"Brian, please, fuck me. God I need you in me. I need to feel you one last time." Fuck, did I say that out loud? Fuck, fuck, fuck! I open my eyes to see sad acknowledgement in his face.

Brian's body falls onto mine limply and he shudders over me. His voice is soft. "What did you just say, Justin?"

Gently I rub my fingertips over his back. "I don't know, Brian. I am so fucked up right now. I guess I am afraid this will be our last time. I don't know why I said it." It is true, I really don't know why. He sits up straddling my thighs as he closes his eyes and nods at me in understanding. He knows deep inside that he has to let me go. His mannerism changes as he reaches over and grabs a condom and lube. He gives a weary smile and then kisses my lips.

"Ok," he smirks as he rips open the condom wrapper with his teeth. I'm stunned when he rolls the condom onto my dick.

I grab his arm. "Brian, what are you doing?"

He raises a brow. "If this is our last time, I want to remember it always." He kisses me again. "It's been a long time since I've felt you in me." Brian chokes back the weakness tying to pry its way into his voice. Masking his emotions harshly he adds, "Don't make a fucking big deal about it." With that he lubes himself and guides my cock inside him.

Letting out a breathless gasp he smiles down at me and moves slowly. Interlinking our fingers he uses my hands as leverage as he huffs lustfully for breath. I return his smile as his tightness surrounds me. Every stroke leaves me more breathless than the one before. "Oh fuck!" I scream as the sensation becomes more intense. I let go of one of his hands and wrap my fingers around his swelling cock.

He closes his eyes and whimpers with desire. "Fuck!" he huffs under his breath as I run my fingers over his ball sack and place it around my cock and his tight hole. I can feel myself entering in and out of him. He impales himself more indulgently on my cock and hand, arching his back and giving himself to me completely. I wrap my fingers around his cock once again stroking him; our other hands are still interlinked as they support his weight. Our bodies are moving to our own unique rhythm. We make eye contact and his ass tightens around my cock. We yell out each other's names as we orgasm in unison. His body slumps onto mine and after a few moments he carefully rolls off of me.

We know the routine to be ever so careful so I sit at the edge of the bed taking off my condom and wash off with some nearby wet cloths.

"Come here," Brian beckons to me, pulling me into his arms. He caresses my hair then kisses my ear. "Thank you," he whispers. "For being so good to me and showing me things no one else ever has or ever will." He lets out a laugh. "Fuck, I sound like a fucking lesbian. Shit!"

Reaching up I lightly touch his chin. "I love you, Brian." He smiles and nods moving my hand to his lips as he kisses the pads of my fingertips.

I don't want to move or leave but I have to. I hear the voices whisper in my mind and I know we must part. "Brian, I need to go."

His face pales and I see panic in his eyes for a brief moment before he masks it quickly with a smirk. "OK."

We kiss one last time before I dress and leave the only man I have ever loved alone in his room.

"Later," I whisper from the window after I climb onto the ladder.

"Goodbye," he replies softly. Now I know he knows this is goodbye until we meet again.

Slowly I make my way down the ladder and stop suddenly when I reach the bottom realizing I forgot the envelope. As I climb back up the ladder I hear a tape of myself talking and my words frighten me. I am scared out of my fucking mind. Everything that has happened in the last 24 hours rushes back into my brain. I also hear Brian weeping quietly and I climb back down knowing I have hurt the only person I every truly loved. I jump into my car and drive frantically until I pull up in front of the abandoned home. Now I know there is no turning back.

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Brian's POV- Present day

Gabriel lays restless in my arms; the pain of the memories he is experiencing floods through me as well. Yet even through our pain I can't help but feel whole once again in this crazy world as I cradle him in my arms.

Molly has stood up and begins pacing. I can't begin to imagine what all this is doing to her. I hold out my hand to my sweet girl and she walks to me cuddling into my other arm. I kiss her forehead thankful that we have always been able to be ourselves around each other, not having to hide behind the hardened shell we show to the rest of the world. I lay holding the two most important people in my life and try to hang onto my emotions.

Gabriel stirs to consciousness and opens his eyes slightly. "Take me to the abandoned house, Brian," he whispers.

He is so weak and fragile, just like that night. Jesus Christ! I can't get it out of my mind. I can feel my body stiffen, the anger tightening my face. "Why the fuck would you want to do that?" I spit out unable to mask my pain.

He looks at me and pleads, "Brian, please, I need closure. I need to rid myself of these memories of what I did. Please, Brian." The tears form in his eyes as he clutches at his head. "God, I can remember everything."

Then I am reminded of the words Justin recorded on the day of his death and I gasp, "Gabriel, are you sure you remember everything?"

He sits up and whispers in my ear everything that he can recall. I realize how much he needs closure to rid this pain from his soul. Molly pulls away from us to give Gabriel and I some space and I nod my head gratefully in acknowledgment. She smiles back taking a seat in the small chair close to the bed, not wanting to leave too much space between her and her brother.

Looking down at Gabriel I see he is holding a business card tightly in his hand. I take it from him and immediately recognize the name of the Psychic who told us so long ago of all the events that have now come to pass. "Crystal," I breathe her name through my parted lips.

Gabriel is still trembling in my arms. "Should we call her?"

"No," I say sternly. "It's none of her business." I light a cigarette and inhale deeply wanting nothing more than to erase the past; to just forget about all of it. I have done fine for the past 17 years until this twink walked into my life. I let out a huff then Gabriel places his hand upon my face. His touch burns against my skin and I feel myself wanting to give in to him. I know I must help him on his journey. I soften my voice and speak gently, "Fine, we'll go but I can't promise I will go inside with you." I wrap my hand around the back of his neck and kiss him softly. I ignore the lump that has formed in my throat and the heaviness of my spirit.

Molly stands up running a gentle hand over Gabriel's blond hair. She seems lost in thought. Finally she looks up at the two of us. "Well? Get your asses up and let's go."

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Justin's POV/Gabriel's visions the day of the Suicide

Anguish lingers in my chest as I drag myself out of my car and see the home where I once found refuge with Brian. It will now be the last place I will visit in this reality. As I take a deep breath and try to hold back my tears my vision blurs. My memories burn and my thoughts turn back to yesterday after I had helped Molly escape the hell of our family home.

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Justin's POV/ Gabriel's Vision the day before the suicide

I rub my head as I wake up and notice I am lying on the sofa. I feel drugged and every sound is enhanced as I hear the sound of pouring liquid. I squint my eyes to try and rid myself of the migraine that has settled in the base of my skull.

As I turn my head the world spins around me and through clouded images I see my father. He stands shaking his scotch bottle then pours a glass gulping it down rapidly. I have never understood his need of this ritual of madness. I quickly close my eyes before he can see I'm awake. My breath is labored and I am scared out my fucking mind. I cannot even comprehend what he is planning on doing to me this time. I think of what he has already done to Molly and pray that she made it to Lindsay's OK.

I can hear his feet shuffling closer to me and I'm not sure exactly what to expect. Trying to protect myself I slightly curl my body in a fetal position. I see his shadow through my eyelids and can feel his presence hovering over me. I try to let go of my fear knowing I'm too weak to fight him. He has made sure of that with the drugs. I get an idea and begin to rock suddenly from side to side. He seems unaware of my plan.

His harsh voice pounds against the pain in my head. "You fucking idiot! What the fuck are you rocking for? You need another hit?" His wicked laugh echoes in my head and I silently mock his stupidity. I quicken my pace until I am at a constant pace. Then I know the time is right and Craig is confused by my actions. I open my eyes for the first time and see him glare. There is fury in his eyes as he lunges at me.

I take a deep breath and let it out as I violently thrust myself off the sofa knocking Craig flat on his back. I let his body break my fall and smirk to myself as he grumbles in pain.

"Fucking little shit!" he yells.

He tries to grab me and I scramble off him quickly then hover over him. My body hurts all over and I can feel the drugs leaving my system. He's right; I do need another hit. I feel the cold shakes and nausea cascading through my whole being.

"How dare you?" my father growls as he wipes blood from his mouth where I rammed into him.

I spit on him as my anger overtakes me. Craig tries to stand as the fire blazes in his eyes, but my wrath is overtaking me and I feel a rush of adrenalin empower me. "It's my turn now, you fucking bastard!" I scream, "Now I'm the one who has the upper hand!" He looks at me and laughs until I kick him in the ribs. "How dare you?" I yell kicking him even harder. "How dare you fucking hurt Molly? She's just a little girl, you fucked up asshole!" I kick him over and over until he is curled into a ball groaning. "I should fucking kill you. You don't deserve to live. IF you fucking touch Molly, Mother, or me one more time I will kill you. I promise you that. I fucking promise." My voice is shaking with torment and rage. Looking down on this vile man who had a part in creating me I spit on him one last time. "I'll see you in hell, Craig."

Quickly I make my way out of the living room and out the back door. He's screaming at me and I feel panicked as I quickly dart down the steps and underneath the covered porch. There is a small opening I can just fit in to hide. It's dark and cold and I feel utterly alone. He is screaming out the door then I hear him limping down the steps past my hiding place. I hold my breath shaking violently, then moments later I hear his car start up and pull away.

Finally I allow the tears to fall. I am so engulfed in my misery I lose track of time. I am shocked back into my surroundings when I hear someone moving around in the house. I stiffen in fear and then I hear Brian. He is calling my name and I want to go to him so badly and let him hold me close, but I can't. I can't let him see me like this. I need a fucking hit. Silently I wait until he leaves so I don't have to subject him to what I have to do.

I can see him in my mind. He is so beautiful and strong, then finally I can no longer stand it; I need to see him. I pull myself from under the porch and rush to the house just as he's pulling away. My heart sinks as I wipe away my tears and climb up the stairs to my room. I see the broken down closet door and I know what I have to do. For the first time in ages I feel a bit of pleasure pulling out the family video camera. I turn it on and an awful buzzing sound pierces through my ears. "Fuck!" Finally it stops and I grab a flashlight from a nearby drawer. I nervously keep checking over my shoulder hoping Craig does not come back. I realize I must hurry and I hope to God I can get everything I need recorded before he comes home.

I can feel the fear coursing through me as I'm placing the camera on the stand. I pull up a chair looking through the camera making sure everything is focused correctly. Turning it on I sit down and begin my testimony:

"My name is Justin Taylor. I am not sure how much longer I may have left to live and I would like to make my statement on video for the authorities. I would like to recount the abuse of my sister Molly Taylor, my mother, Jennifer Taylor who is pregnant and has received very few prenatal exams due to her fear of her husband who is also Molly's and my father. I also have suffered at the hands of my father." I take off my shirt and reveal scars, bruises and cuts upon my torso. Moving closer I show my track marks. "This is what happens in my family if you don't do the dishes correctly, or if Father is just in a mad mood. My father Craig Taylor has beaten me to a pulp, left me for dead then drugged me with heroin to keep me silent. He has purposely infected me with HIV." It makes me gasp to say it out loud and I wish to God Brian was here. He is the only one I have really told everything to.

Taking the camera off the stand I set it on my shoulder viewing the black and white world through the lens. I grab the flashlight and turn it on. Walking to the closet my heart beats rapidly as I shine the light into the confines of the closet where my sister spent hours in fear. Blood droplets cake the floor and I know what happened to Molly was worse than I even imagined. My voice is raspy and cracks with each word I speak. I relay every detail that happened to Molly and me this afternoon. Moving to the cabinet that holds Craig's heroin I take several small bags stuffing them in my pocket for later.

After I successfully give my testimony and show where my father's drugs are hidden I turn off the camera and prepare the heroin for my veins. The world hollows around me and I feel at peace in my dark state of mind.

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Justin's POV/ Gabriel's Vision The day of the suicide.

Shaking myself out of the past I make my way into the abandoned house grabbing a bottle of Jim Beam off the counter. I go to the room I share with Brian feeling my anxiety swallowing me.

I lean against the wall and let myself slide down to the creaky floor. All the memories of what Brian and I shared in this room, in our bed, flow around me. We were free here. No one saw who we were behind these doors and our true colors could shine in each other's embrace. I freely allow my tears to flow and needing to numb my pain, tilt the Jim Beam bottle to my lips. The harsh fluid floods my mouth and I swallow greedily trying to wipe away all conscious and reasonable thought. I try to erase the memories of my lover.

Then I remember holding his trembling body closely after the first time we made love. The way he looked into my soul, knowing all my inner thoughts. I gasp for breath tilting the bottle again, the memories still refusing to leave. I choke back my tears. "Fuck!" I can't be here. I can no longer live this way. A victim trapped in my father's torturous world. This way I have control. I will have the last and final laugh. A wicked unearthly chuckle parts my lips and I wish for a moment to be able see the looks on their faces when everything comes to a head.

I look down upon my unscathed wrist and the throbbing and need for release becomes a powerful reality. I laugh through my tears for it just seems so natural to cleanse my sins with my own blood. Through blurry vision I see the little white rabbit and I speak softly to it. "I'll see you on the other side, white rabbit."

My head is spinning from all the alcohol I have consumed as I reach for the blade, holding it tightly in my trembling hand. I twist my wrist back up to face me, placing the sharp edge vertically on my tender skin. I let out a gasp just feeling the coolness of metal so close to my flesh. I can hear my own blood crying out, wanting to escape my body and soak into the walls of this place where I have known such love.

Laying pressure upon the blade tears leak from my eyes and I try to push back the pain as I hear the sound of my skin tearing. I hold in my pain and my screams desiring to release it all in one tender break away from this world. Red, dark fluid flows from me and I barely recognize it as blood or even my own blood. I take the blade to my other wrist and now let the tears and screams flood from my mouth in agonizing pain. I hold my hand up to my face and feel the blood flowing onto me, baptizing me in my own faith. It cleanses my sins from everything as I laugh and cry in hysteria knowing there is nothing I can do now. I can only wait for death to accept me into her arms.

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Brian's POV

Rushing into the abandoned house I hear Justin cry out in pain. My breath cannot escape my lungs as I barge into the room and see him leaning weakly against the wall. "NO! NO! NO! God!" Running to him I drop to my knees. His eyes are dull and fading. "Justin? Why? Oh God Why? Please stay, will you stay if I tell you I love you?"

He gives me a weak smile speaking softly with his last breath. "Take me home, Brian." He stiffens in my arms and his color fades. I run my fingers through his blond Mohawk and kiss him on the forehead letting my tears flow. Pulling the blankets off the bed I pick him up wrapping him in the swaddling of linen.

Fervently I drive Justin home through the blurry vision of my tears. The wheels burn to a halt as my car screeches in front of his family's home. Grabbing Justin's body I kiss his cold head one last time. My breath is failing me and I can't think clearly. All I know is I have to get him home. I need to finish what he started. Holding him close I whisper in the night air, "I will not fail you."

Craig opens the door, anger piercing through his eyes. "What the fuck do you want?" He sneers at me. I notice he is holding his side and moving stiffly. He also has a cut above his lip.

"To make amends with fate, you mother fucker!" I reply sternly with tears streaking down my face. I walk towards him shoving my lover's body into his father's arms. "You did this!" My words are sharp and harsh, the resentment is boiling out of me. "You fucking killed your own son!"

He pushes Justin back in my arms. "I had nothing to do with this. Get that dirty, diseased body away from me."

"Why? You're the fucking asshole who infected him." Laying Justin's body gently on the floor I charge at Craig pushing my hand against his chest slamming him against the wall. "You killed your own son! How can you live with yourself?"

Craig laughs at me. "Easily. He lived a disgusting lifestyle." Forcefully he pushes past me. "I did not do this. You did it when you corrupted my son."

I can only shake my head at his ignorance as Craig reaches for his crystal scotch bottle. Shaking it several times before pouring a glassful he downs it in big gulps. I move toward him and lean in close to his ear harshly growling, "Your fate is sealed, asshole."

Craig raises his brow at me laughing. "My fate is sealed, huh? You're just a fuckin' pussy faggot. There is nothing you can do or say to seal my fate."

I back away from him and all I want to do is leave with my lover, but I can't. I can no longer be with him; I can never touch him, hug him, kiss or make love to him again. That is when it really sinks in Justin is gone and I really and truly loved him. I loved all of his faults and his perfection, but I could never tell him. Fuck! I run my hands through my hair and everything spins around me. I can't be here anymore. I can't handle this shit. Fuck! I could never tell him until he was dying. My emotions are a wreck. What the fuck is wrong with me? I am just as much at fault because I never told him. Maybe if I had told him things would be different.

My heart is torn as Craig looks at me with a smug expression that is slowly fading through his glassy eyes. His disposition changes dramatically and I wish he would die but I could never kill him. I know what my part is in his fate. He will not die by my hands so there is nothing else I can do but wait.

A blood curdling scream breaks through my thoughts; "My Son! My son!" I turn to see Jennifer holding onto her very pregnant belly as she stares down at her deceased son. She is hysterically crying and I am finding it difficult to pull myself together as well. "No, No this can't be happening! Not my beautiful child!" Her eyes are red and puffy. The meek and scared woman I have always known is suddenly overcome by grief and a fierce anger. She pushes past me and shoves Craig as hard as she can. "How could you? How could you do this to our son?"

The sight before me is so oddly strange. I watch as Craig grabs a hold of the wall limply, his skin is pale and there is sheer pain in his eyes as he grasps at his chest breathing heavily. Simultaneously Jennifer grabs her stomach and hollers in pain as a gush of water spills from between her legs.

"Oh fuck," I yell as adrenaline and reasonable thinking kick in. To me Jennifer is the only one who matters at the moment so I quickly grab her hand and lead her to the sofa. "Do your breathing ok. I'll call 911." She nods her head trying to breathe through her sobbing and the contraction.

I quickly rush to the phone. " 911, what your emergency?"

"I would like to report a suicide, a woman in labor and..." I pause as I look over at Craig. He is still grasping at his heart and grimacing in pain. I silently have a moral debate with myself. He does not deserve to live but I also know Justin would not want me to take matters into my own hands. Taking in a deep breath I blurt out, "And a possible heart attack."

I give the dispatcher the address and she sounds hesitant. "Sir, I need to keep you on the line while I send somebody out. Could you please tell me in detail what is happening?"

My voice sounds shaky in my own ears. "I know this sounds unbelievable but I found my lover and he had slit his wrists. He was still alive and asked me to take him home, but he passed before I got him here." I gasp as I try to hold back my tears. "His mother is pregnant and became very upset at the sight of her son and her water just broke then I noticed his father grasping at his heart. I am not sure of his condition."

"Ok sir, could you please look and see how he is doing?"

I look over at Craig who is grunting in unbelievable pain and practically tearing at his chest. His body goes limp as he passes out.

I gulp heavily. "He just passed out."

"Ok, is he breathing or does he have a pulse? Do you know how to perform CPR?"

"No I don't know CPR," I say hoping she can't tell that I'm lying. I again fight my moral beliefs knowing full well the hell he has put this family through. "Let me check his pulse and breathing." I look down at Craig and his glassy eyes open slightly. I sneer at him and mouth, "You're dead, motherfucker," while flipping him off. Craig's eyes bulge as the final breath escapes him leaving his body cold and empty.

"He just stopped breathing." There is panic in my voice but it's not for Craig. My concern right now is Jennifer. I can see she is so scared and breathing rapidly. I walk to her and gently rub her shoulder with my free hand while I listen to the dispatcher.

"Sir, the ambulance should be there soon. Please listen to my instructions so I can walk you through CPR, OK?"

I gulp, "OK." Jennifer whispers a thank you and touches my hand as I leave her. Going to Craig I follow the woman's instructions even though I already know how to do this. I lay Craig's body as flat as I can possibly get him, but he is already getting cold. I check his pulse and respiration though I know that there is none. Just as I start compressions the ambulance crew comes to the door and takes over.

I inform them the best I can of the situation then go to Jennifer. She runs her fingers through my hair. "You are all I have now, you and Molly. You're like a son to me Brian." She chokes out a tear."

"You're all I have too." I hear myself whispering trying to hold back my tears.

I pat her hand remembering the manila envelope that's in my car. I tell her I will be right back. When I return I notice the cops pulling up and make my way over to them. I can feel my body trembling as I approach them. I can see they are measuring me up, trying to gauge where I fit into this nightmarish scene. I realize that one of them is Detective Horvath and I feel so relieved.

"Brian?" He blinks his eyes. "Are you the one who made the call?" I nod my head and see the concern in his eyes. "Are you ok? You have blood all over your clothes."

"I'm fine," I manage to choke out. "Justin is..." I frantically run my hands over my face. "Jesus Christ!" I feel distorted. "Justin is dead." I hand him the manila envelope. "I found this next to him." Horvath takes the envelope. "I need to help Jennifer."

Swiftly he grabs my hand. "Brian we'll need you to give a statement later."

"I will."

"Brian, I'm sorry about Justin. He was a good young man." I am unable to completely read his emotions but they seem genuine and concerned.

"Thank you. He was."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Gabriel's POV Present day

I can feel the hesitation radiating from Brian as we pull up in front of the abandoned house. I know he does not want to be here but I am glad he is. Brian squeezes my hand. "I'll be right here."

I nod to him wishing he would come inside but I understand. What I don't understand is the urge I have to be here. Stepping out of the car I grab the big flashlight Brian had snagged from the tour bus.

With every step I take the dried grass crumples under my feet. Behind me I hear another set of feet. I turn around and see Molly following close behind me. There is sadness in her one eye and her voice sounds so vulnerable though outwardly her bravado is covering it well. She is just like Brian and my past self, covering who we are to mask the pain. She walks up to me assuredly. "I need closure too." Smiling I kiss her on the cheek and take hold of her hand, feeling so much respect for the beautiful young woman beside me.

We both turn around when we hear Brian clear his throat as he walks toward us. "You shouldn't have to do this alone." I hear the crack in his voice but his attitude portrays strength.

Molly and I share a knowing glance as Brian wraps his arms around both of our shoulders stepping away as we get to the sloping steps. The wood creaks and groans with every step as though the house was living, the agony radiating through the exterior. Approaching the door I turn the knob and it's locked.

Brian laughs. "Place still locked up. I'm shocked no one has made their way in." He hands me the key and I look at him questioningly.

Brian gives me a warning look then growls, "You don't think I would just throw it away do you?" He pushes past me and unlocks the door.

Being thrown off balance I laugh, maybe I shouldn't have but I know him from the past and now he's trying so hard to cover up his pain and its adorable. He glares at me and I shrug my shoulders looking at the ground. "Sorry."

"Sorry is bullshit. Now get in the house so we can fucking get this over with." He gently wraps his arm around me and that single touch wipes away his harsh words. "Come on," he whispers.

The flashlight shines upon the painted walls and my past reality echoes hauntingly through my mind. I can hear Lindsay stroke the brush against the wall. The sound of drums, bass and guitars resonate throughout the home. The sounds of Mikey, Brian and myself goofing around, laughing, and getting high. It was a lifetime ago yet it seems like only yesterday. It's haunting and disturbing, I don't understand why or how I am able to see and hear these things. Listening closely to my inner thought I hear a female voice speaking softly, "Because he needs you to remember."

Treading closer to the back room unsure of my own thoughts, I can sense an uneasiness in the air. The stench of decaying wood, rot and dried blood lingers in my nostrils. Entering the room it's like time stood still. Every part of that day, those feeling and the energies penetrate the stale air around me. It's like that day is screaming at me all over again. I can feel it, that need to take my life, but I know that it's in the past. I pull away from Brian and shine the light onto the ground. The dust clings heavily onto the pools of dried blood on the floor. I heavily lean against the wall as Justin's thoughts are fed to me and I let the fear and remorse flow through me.

Sliding down the wall I see the white rabbit matted in dried blood and dust. "Well, here we are again, white rabbit, or shall I say bloody rabbit?" An unearthly laugh bursts from my lips as I instinctively grab for a razor blade sitting in a nearby box. As I hold the rusted metal to my wrist I can hear Brian scream as he runs toward me, "No!" His steps echo through the floors.

The dim light in the room shows the fear that is evident in his eyes. I am unable to stop myself and I feel a slight pain in my wrist. Just as quickly as the pain appears it disappears again and the blade is swiftly taken from my hand. I feel moist lips tenderly caress my wrist and I look up expecting to see Brian. Instead I am looking into the deepest of brown cat-like eyes. They are hypnotically beautiful.

As I pull back to look at the bronze woman in front of me and she smiles kindly. "My child, why are you in so much pain? You have atoned for your sins. Everything from the past is in the past. I let you remember only for Brian's sake. He needs you more than you will ever know. Brian has lived with the guilt of your death pressing on his heart for all these years. Tonight you must rid yourselves of those memories and hurts together as one."

As the woman walks away her white clothing barely masking her naked skin she smiles at me. "Your spirit is that of the sun."

A vapor of golden light engulfs the room and the mist parts for her entry. As her form fades in the distance I see a little boy run through the clouds and into my arms. "Thank you! Thank you!" He kisses my cheek and runs back to a middle aged blonde haired woman who looks much like myself.

She walks closer and I feel the tears running down my face. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that this is my birth mother. Jennifer touches my cheek letting out a beautiful laugh. "You are so lovely, my son. Take care of Molly and Brian, they both need you more than ever now." She kisses me on the forehead. "You had the courage to do what I only dreamed of. I never meant to hurt you." Tears swell in my mother's eyes and her voice trembles when she speaks, "I love you more than anything in the world. Thank you for freeing us from bondage." Kissing my forehead gently she evaporates back into the heavens.

The room fades from light to dark as I peer at my surroundings. I look down at my wrist and see that my scars are no longer there. I am stunned to know that I have a chance at a new beginning. As I sit in awe I feel a set of eyes pierce into my soul. I look up and see Brian breathing heavily. I cannot interpret what I see in his eyes, but he appears to be frozen in fear.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Brian's POV

I see Gabriel with the blade in his hands and before my eyes everything of that dreaded, awful day floods through me. I look into his eyes and see that he is no longer with me in this reality. I knock the venomous object from his hand and I am relived he is no longer in harm's way. His eyes are still haunted though and I know that now it's Justin that I am seeing. Even though I know in my heart they are the same soul Gabriel's spirit has transformed. He's not as hardened as Justin was and I am happy for his innocence. What I don't understand is how he is remembering every thing, and why. I don't want him subjected to the guilt and pain I have held onto all these years. That day replays again in my mind and I am frozen by my emotions.

I remember the way he touched me, entered me, his taste, his needs and his desire.

While our bodies are our joined I can see that he is no longer mine and it hurts. I can never confess my feelings but that has nothing to do with him. I am fucked up more than anyone can even possibly comprehend. Shortly after he parts from my body I feel empty and alone. When he leaves me he says 'later' and I tell him 'goodbye'. I want him to know that I know this is his final day. Our final time to be together.

When Justin leaves through the window I recall the look in his eyes noting something deep and dark there. Scooting to the edge of the bed I see the video he has left and put it in the VCR. I begin watching the tape and am proud of Justin's courage to record these private things for the world to see.

The longer I watch the more alarmed I become. After Justin appears to turn off the camera snow reflects on the screen. The video camera never turns off then the picture becomes clear. I watch as Justin ties a tourniquet around his arm using his teeth to pull the wretched material in place. Entering the needle into his vein a tear threatens to fall from his eyes as he lets out a gasp then whimpers, soon he is laughing hysterically.

I have never seen him do this; he always hid it from me. I knew. I always knew when he was using but seeing it is like a slap in my face. I feel my heart sinking into the depths of anguish as I see the drug affect his system, and I notice a vivid change in his demeanor. He looks directly into the camera laughing profusely and I no longer recognize this man on the screen who looks to be driven by pure insanity. I've seen this only once before, when he found out he was positive. Abruptly Justin stands taking hold of a glass vase throwing it hard against the wall screaming. The sound of glass shattering echoes through the video as he then pulls at the small amount of hair he has left. Justin paces wildly like a caged animal then once again looks into the camera as a disturbing grin caresses his distorted face. His eyes are wild, his voice dripping with sarcasm. "I'll show you, Pop." He laughs again wrapping his arms around his torso.

Justin picks up the camera and the jerky movement is nauseating to watch. Abruptly he moves back to the heroin cabinet grabbing about 6 baggies. The tape jumps as he walks down the steps. A loud buzzing and clicking breaks the unsettling silence then the picture is still. I can only imagine he has replaced it on the tripod. He walks over to the crystal scotch bottle as another unearthly, wicked chuckle penetrates through the air. Opening the lid I watch in horror and amusement as Justin empties the baggies of heroin into the liquor. Placing the lid back on he shakes the bottle of fluid vigorously.

Justin pulls up a chair and his manner is calm and sober now sending chills through my spine. He clears his throat. "My name is Justin Taylor and I am confessing to the murder of Craig Taylor. By the time this tape is found my father should be dead. I am taking advantage of his own sick and twisted ritual. At some point today or tomorrow he will come to his liquor display and shake this bottle of scotch mixing the heroin and liquor unknowingly." Justin's eyes are cold and emotionless as he goes on, "Craig Taylor does not deserve to live, he has tormented this family enough and I am willing to risk my own life or going to jail to prevent this vile creature of having any grasp whatsoever upon me, my sister, my mother and her unborn child."

Seeing my lover in such turmoil makes my heart ache for him. Part of me agrees to what he is doing but now I am freaked out too. I have evidence of a crime before it happens. "Shit!" Laying my head upon the floor I quietly sob in mourning of my lover, of our life together and what is still to come. Through the window I hear a scrambling down the ladder and I realize that Justin just heard everything and I can feel his fear. I sob harder as I rewind the tape then take it out of the VCR wiping it clean of my prints and replacing it in the envelope before me on the ground. I see the letter in bold print that I saw just before Justin passed out on me. It states clearly, 'I, Justin Taylor, am confessing to the murder of Craig Taylor.' Carefully scooping it with the envelope it glides inside leaving one last letter with my name on it. I put it in my pocket unable to gather the courage to read it now.

My mind brings me back to the present, once again in the house where my lover took his life. Keeping my eyes closed I can feel the change of winds as a sensational chill sends goose bumps through my inner soul. Gabriel reaches out touching my hand. "I know the truth about my father's death. What I don't understand is why my mother told me he died in prison.

Bending down on my knee next to him on the floor I gently I caress his cheek. "What mother wants to tell her child that his brother, who took his own life also killed his father?" I feel my own emotions trying to take over again.

Gabriel takes a deep breath slightly shaking his head. "But she knew who I was. She knew that I was Justin."

I lean my forehead against his. "Even more reason not to tell the truth. She didn't want your new life tainted." Pulling back I look into his misty blue eyes kissing him chastely on the lips. "It's almost over now."

Gabriel sniffles a bit as he looks deep into my eyes then whispers, "I know."

Standing up I smile at him encouragingly as I grasp his hand pulling him up from the floor and into my arms. I embrace him closely and can feel the connection from our once shared youth. His crystal blue eyes look into the windows of my soul, gently caressing my cheek against his. I know this is a new beginning and that we are casting out our demons through our shared emotions. The realization comes to me that he is remembering everything so that we can forget together. I feel the mist forming in my eyes and I choke back tears, tired of feeling so vulnerable.

Holding Gabriel tight I slightly pull my head from his, looking deep within his blue sapphires. The desire for a new beginning is apparent in the twinkle that pierces through my own eyes. A smile spreads upon my lips then onto his. I wrap my hand around Gabriel's neck and lean down as our lips connect with a passionate urgency. He moans into my mouth deepening our kiss and when we part we are both breathing heavily and slightly giddy.

I take his hand in mine interlinking our fingers and bring him out of the room that holds so many disturbing memories. The air is lighter around our spirits and suddenly it dawns on me that Molly is nowhere to be seen. Hastily I pull Gabriel along with me as panic starts to set in. We burst through the door to see the car pulling away and my heart collapses. Letting go of Gabriel's hand I run with all my might coming to a halt when the car does. I watch as Molly turns off the engine about a block away from the house. Getting out of the car she opens the trunk taking out two large objects. Putting them on the ground she closes the trunk then picks them back up carrying one in each hand.

I hear her voice echo in the night air. "So Brian, you just going to watch me or are you going to help me carry these fucking God damn heavy things?"

I can't help but laugh as I sprint towards her. "It was fun to watch you being all butch, mama," I smirk.

"Fuck you, Brian," she says playfully.

"You're not my type," I reply.

I look down and notice for the first time what she is carrying. I grab one of the large containers of gasoline nodding my head in acknowledgment. "So, we having a BBQ?" I raise a brow at her knowing full well her plan and I agree with it wholeheartedly.

Through the darkness I hear Gabriel as he walks toward us. "Is everything ok?"

I put the container down and pull him into a sensual kiss then rest my head upon his forehead. "Yeah, everything's fine. Molly decided we should have a BBQ. Interested in using the house for kindling?"

Gabriel gasps out a laugh. "Mmm, did she bring marshmallows?" He melts my heart with the brightest smile I have ever seen. I would never tell him that though. I chuckle softly and we both turn to look at her.

"What?" The look on her face is pure aggravation.

I grab her hand pulling her in to us and give her a friendly kiss on the lips. She smiles just like her brother and I recall I have not seen that smile since she was a young girl. I speak softly into her ear. "It's a fucking brilliant idea. Wish I had thought of it." She smiles again and lightly giggles.

Molly waits outside as Gabriel and I enter the house. We start in the back and I let Gabriel have full reign of the room. Gasoline spills upon the blood stained floor drenching away all essence of its immoral remembrance. Sounds of the pouring liquid echo through the crumbling walls as we drench our bed and small articles left behind from our lost youth. Gabriel stands by the door taking everything in, his shoulders slightly tense. I wrap my arms around his waist and pull him to my chest playfully nibbling on his ear. "It will never be yesterday ever again. We only have tomorrow for eternity."

He turns to look into my eyes. "Brian?" I can see he is trying not to laugh.

Tilting my head up I peer down at him. "Hmm?"

He places both hands on my cheeks. "You are ridiculously romantic. I love you, Brian."

Shrugging my shoulders I don't admit or deny it. I just smirk resting the palm of my hand on his cheek softly brushing the pad of my thumb over his soft skin as I kiss him tenderly. "Come on, Sunshine, let's finish this before the fumes get to us."

"Oh, is that why I am starting to feel lightheaded?" he says with a giddy grin.

He smiles as I slap his ass. "Twat."

Gabriel laughs looking where I playfully slapped him then we continue pouring the gasoline through the house. With every spill another memory leaves us until we are walking out the door pouring fuel on the porch and down the steps where we bid farewell to our youth of turmoil and torment. Striking a match slowly I let it fall into the fuel then we walk to a safe distance as we watch the flames engulf the home in a matter of moments. Every crackle lets go of another painful moment until the house finally lets out an animalistic cry that protrudes into my mind. I wrap my arms around Molly and Gabriel giving them both kisses on the cheek.

The heat of the fire warms through the night breeze as we turn to walk to the car. We let ourselves forget everything that happened, only the knowledge it ever existed is imprinted in our waking nightmares.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A year and a half later

Brian's POV

The echo of the Grand piano fills the packed stadium. Watching the crowd from backstage I can see the lighters held up in respect. I smile in great admiration as I walk toward Gabriel on stage. I put my hand on his shoulder and he stops playing. Silence lingers in the air as I bend down and capture his lips in a passionate kiss. We share an affectionate smile. "Welcome home. Have you missed it?"

"From the small amount I do remember the crowds were never this big."

"It takes some getting used to but you'll do fine."

I kiss him on the forehead and am reminded where we are when Lindsay hits her drum sticks together yelling, 'ONE TWO THREE FOUR' then fiercely begins to play. Gabriel pulls me into one last kiss before I jog up to the microphone glancing at Mikey and Lindsay who have started playing without me. We all share an ecstatic look thankful to have our small group together again, clean healthy and free from oppression

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