Trangressions

Part 2

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Michael's POV present day

I wake up drenched in sweat. I see Ben next to me and smile, glad he stayed the night. Something is haunting me but I can't point it out. I kiss Ben on the cheek then throw on some clothes. I walk next door and knock on Brian's hotel room but no one answers. I feel sorrow welling in me. Over the years Brian and I have become in tunedwith each other, feeling what the other is feeling. I have this urge to find him, protect him from his demons.

I walk down to the hotel lobby, that's when I hear it. The piano playing the very haunting song of Justin. The mist fills my eyes. Justin was like a brother to me. I walk in the bar to get a glimpse of where the music is coming from. Brian's face seems frozen in time as he watches the young man that looks so much like our Justin.

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Debbie's POV 17 years earlier

I hear the bell ring above the door and turn to see Justin walking through. I met him a few weeks ago and noticed how close he and Brian seemed to be. I smile to myself in wonder that Brian could open his heart to anyone after all he has gone through. It made me happy that Justin seemed to really have it together, but last night when they brought him to my house around midnight I could tell something was wrong; I mean really wrong.

The kids told me they needed to stay with Justin and asked if they could spend the night. I fixed up the sofa bed for the two boys and told Lindsay she could sleep in the spare room when she got tired. After everything settled down I went upstairs.

Half an hour later I had a headache and came downstairs for some water and Tylenol. That's when I saw Justin curled up in Brian's arms. I could see his exposed back covered in angry bruises and my heart ached for him. I became angry at myself for not seeing the signs, and even more angry at the bastard who could do this. Brian saw me and his eyes pleaded for me not to say anything. I nodded and continued on my way to the kitchen as though my heart wasn't breaking.

This morning I bumped into Justin coming out of the bathroom holding his back pack. He looked strung out. I felt sick to my stomach and wondered what hell this young man has gone through to bring him to this point.

Now as I greet him in the diner he looks OK, like any average rebellious kid. I feel like they are all my kids as I scan the diner looking at all the customers who have become my dysfunctional family.

I walk over and sit across from Justin smiling widely. "Hey Sweetie ,you look much better this afternoon. Are you feeling better?"

He smiles his bright smile that I missed so much last night. "Yeah Deb, I'm a lot better. Thank you for letting me stay over last night." I watch as he turns away, pulling together his thoughts. He looks back up at me with a glint of steel in his eyes, "I've been going through a hard time." His expression softens. "I'm glad I found Brian and the others. They look after me."

I pat his cheek lightly. "Of course they do, honey, they all really love you." I lean in and whisper, "Especially Brian, even though we both know he will never say it. I've known that kid for some time now and I have never seen him care for someone as much as he does you."

Damn if that kid's smile doesn't get even bigger as he blushes violently. For the tough rebel Punker he claims to be he's got a soft heart and a hard on for Brian. I giggle at my own silly thought.

"So kid, what'll it be? You want some lunch?" He shakes his head no. I stand up and smile, "OK then, one cheese burger, fries and a shake coming up." I give him a motherly smile and he laughs and thanks me.

Before I go to put in his order I turn back to him. "Tell the group to bring their instruments home. You all can practice in the garage, I am sure that drafty house is freezing this time of year. Plus Punk music is always better when done with electric instruments, which I'm sure you all have as well."

"You know about the house?" His voice squeaks and I can't help but laugh.

"Yeah I know ."

He shakes his head. "You know, Deb, you have to be the coolest Mom I ever met."

"Don't tell Michael that." I wink receiving a chuckle

"I think he already knows, all he has to do is look at me and Brian's fucked up family lives to know he has it good."

Damn this kid is breaking my heart all over again and I have to sit back down. I lightly cover his hand with mine. "If it ever gets so bad at home and you need somewhere to go, our door is always open. In Brian's case the window's always open but he likes to feel like he is being sneaky so I let him."

"Yeah that sounds like Brian." He smiles. "Thanks Deb, I mean it, you're the first adult I've ever met who really seems to get us kids. I'll probably have to take you up on your offer sooner than you think."

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Later that evening I'm drinking coffee and reading the paper. The county fair is coming next week. I've been listening to the kids playing for about an hour and they are good; I mean really good. Last time I really listened to them they pretty much sucked; that's when they took the instruments out to the vacant house. I walk into the garage when they take a break. All four jump, trying to hide the beer they're drinking, which I know they stole from the fridge. I can't help but laugh.

I know who the culprit is and I walk up behind Brian and slap him upside the head. "You little asshole." He looks at me rubbing his head with a scowl on his face. "Next time all you have to do is ask for a beer." I shake my finger at all of them. "But this does not give you the OK to party into the night, but one beer is fine." They all relax.

I throw the paper on a table with an advertisement about the county fair talent show. "You guys should sign up; you're good." I walk out of the room and let them chew on it for awhile.

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Crystal's POV - A week later at the county fair

Burning sage and cedar wood I cleanse the small booth in which I'll be doing my card readings. I feel something different in the air today, something unsettling yet comfortable at the same time. Loreena Mckennitt plays softly in the background as I light my candles and fall into a deep, meditative state of mind.

I see the Goddess Isis, she walks without looking at me, dropping petals of roses at our feet. I notice the further we walk, the darker and more desolate the world around us becomes. Dead skeletal trees curve all around us, there's a brown shadow of dust twirling through the black leaves.

She finally turns to me with tears rolling down her cheek. I reach for her. "Mother what is wrong?" She gently takes my hand and wipes away the illusion of the dark world. We are standing in front of a house now. I turn out of curiosity, the other world is still visible behind us, but blocked temporarily from this reality. Looking back at the tattered home with the slanted porch and peeling paint she holds my hand as we walk up the steps. I notice there are holes in the porch. As she opens the door I am stunned to see evidence that someone may actually live here.

Then I feel the love and pure essence of deep friendship inside. The walls are beautifully painted with a fantasy world full of dragons and Faeries. I see a young woman laughing as she paints and three young men watching her from their spots on the sofa. I'm drawn to two of the men. One is tall with chestnut hair and eyes of hazel that gaze softly on the shorter man with blond hair and blue eyes. I can feel an amazing connection of love between them. They cuddle close, kissing, smiling as the taller man tickles the other. I can also see their eyes are full of lust.

Suddenly they get up and run playfully to the back of the house. I feel a bit uneasy and somewhat intrigued as Isis walks us behind them. They close the door and passionately devour each other with kisses, caressing every part of each other's bodies.

I feel like a voyeur and turn to look away. As much as I would like to watch this beautiful scene I know it's not right; but Isis smiles at me and turns my head back in their direction. "Watch, my dear child, for it is important for you to see this."

As they start to undress I begin to see her reasons. Both young men are covered in bruises. She walks towards them and gently touches their hair, then she turns her sad gaze to me. "Look into their souls. They are so beautiful."

I watch as her tears turn to blood and she leads me away from the young lovers. I see a trail of syringes piling into the form of a maze. She walks me through and the piles grow higher and higher and the path more confusing. The needles start to prick into my skin. As we twist through the maze I feel lightheaded and dazed with blurry vision. I see the young blond man. He is shielding a small girl behind him. He screams at an older man at the top of his lungs "Don't you touch her! Don't you ever touch her again!" I watch as the older man beats and drugs him. I try to pull away; I want out of this nightmare, out of these thoughts. Isis feels my reluctance and pulls me firmly back into the room where the two men are still kissing.

Soon though another vision is upon me. Razor blades appear sporadically on the floor and I hear a muffled cry. The blond is sitting with his back against the wall. He is shaking with one knee raised, holding a blade to his wrist. He is speaking but his words are jumbled and he's not making sense. His voice is weak and shaky, "I can't, I can't, he will die if I live. I have to protect him. I have to die so Gabriel can live." I see a little boy run up to him and kiss him on the cheek as he thanks him. I look to Isis confused; she smiles and speaks softly, "It is only his body that dies, dear." She is so serene while I feel on the edge of a breakdown with the urge to help him, to keep him safe.

The vision shifts slightly again and my heart clenches as I see the taller man walks in, to find his love on the floor in a pool of blood . He grabs the weak and fading body to him and screams, "Oh God! No! No! No!" The blond whispers something but I can't hear his final words.

The brunette picks up his lover, cradling him gently against his chest. He carries him to another home where he confronts the same man who had beaten and drugged the young blond in my earlier vision. He screams while still clutching the blood soaked body to him; "You did this! You fucking sick bastard!" His eyes are wild as he continues his tirade, "You killed your son! How can you call yourself a father?"

Yet another shift and I watch as the casket lowers into the ground.

A change in the wind occurs as the rose petals that lead us to this path take us to yet another. Isis takes my hand and smiles as we walk into a nursery. I hear a small baby cry. A woman cradling the child whispers; "Dear sweet, sweet Gabriel. Born the night your brother and mother died. An orphan in a matter of moments. I'll be sure to find you a good home. "

"Time seems to wash over the two and I see the same woman at the park with a young blond boy. She's smiling at him with pure love. "Come here, Gabriel, give mommy a hug."

Another scene and I see the man with chestnut hair. He looks older and his eyes are haunted. He's singing on stage with the man and woman I saw with him in the house earlier. I smile as I see the packed auditorium. Then I spot the young blond in the crowd who looks different but yet the same. He is intrigued with the tall man. Their eyes meet and there is an electrical current felt in the air.

It dawns on me now who this young man is. He is a familiar soul, but in a different body. Somehow I need to tell the tall man to keep faith; that he will be reunited with his love, but I don't know how. Then I wonder if everything I just saw was my own imagination.

Then I hear Isis whisper, "In 17 years I will call upon you to help him. In 17 years."

I am jolted back to reality by a loud racket. I walk out through the beads of my booth and am fascinated to see the four young people I had just envisioned. They are setting up their instruments on the fairground stage. The young couple are even more beautiful in person than they were in my sight.

I watch as the taller man walks behind the blond and caresses his back lovingly. The blond smiles this radiant beam of sunlight and grabs his hand. They laugh and run toward the restrooms. I turn back to my booth shaking my head, smiling to myself. If only I could be a fly on the wall. I can just imagine what they are doing.

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Justin's POV

Brian has me pinned up against the wall of the bathroom stall. He's smiling at me so tenderly and I can't believe how head over heals in love I am with this man. He is my love and he is my life. I can't get enough of him. He kisses me softly then pulls away. "Thank you," he says quietly.

I'm a bit puzzled. "For?"

He gives me a playful smirk. "For coming into my life." I take his hand and link our fingers. "Thank you for this tonight; our band. You're the one who makes us sound good. I know someday we'll be big then you and I can bask in our successful lives.

I smile and laugh as I kiss him on the cheek, "My dear man, are you delirious or are you just in love?" I ask jokingly.

He licks my neck up to my lobe and breathes into my ear. "Both."

Looking into his eyes I see that he means it. I'm shocked at his simple confession. He takes me into his arms and we make passionate love right there in the men's room at the county fair.

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Brian's POV present day

Sitting down next to the young man that looks so much like Justin, I feel completely dumbfounded. I know this can't be him; he is too young. But I have to ask, I need to know for sure. "Do I know you?" I look deep into his soul searching for answers

He touches my cheek smiling. "I have known you since the day I was born. You haunt my every dream my every thought. Have we met? No...not in this life but I know you, your touch. Your passion. Something in my gut has this deep hunger for you, I have felt so disconnected till I saw you tonight. Your eyes brought me back to life."

I tried to hold back any emotion, by building up my wall around me. "How do you know that song."

He looks at me his eyes big and blue; a mist covers them. "Also In my dreams I have been haunted by visions my whole life, of you, of this song." He looks at me intensely as though he is searching every fiber of my being then he draws a blank. When he speaks his voice is shaky. "Who are you to me? Why do I know you? Why can't I ever stop thinking of you?"

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Brian's POV at the fair ground 17 years earlier

Justin and I run out of the bathroom laughing, pinning me up against the wall. He brings us into a passionate kiss then pulls away licking his lips. He looks so fucking hot. Yet when I look into his eyes, I am reminded of my heart's despair. I can see the drugs in him slowly killing his body and spirit. Embracing him close I feel his sharp and jagged ribcage. There's a deep calmness in him now. I know he is taking more than heroin, something to bring him down from the high. He does not have to tell me. I already know. It pains my heart. I should tell him how much he means to me. It's my personal fears. I just hope he knows, I gave him my heart the first night we fucked. For the first time in my life I found someone I care about. And to loose him slowly like this is devastating

I feel an overwhelming pull. Looking in the direction of the sensation, I notice a lovely woman medium in height. Her long red hair flows over her shoulder and back. She's wearing a peasant dress with a gypsy sash around her hips. Her smile is comforting she nods her head to me in acknowledgment as she walks in to her fortune telling booth. I have always been very skeptical about such things. But now in my life I am so concerned about Justin that I am willing to take a risk and see if there is anything to this crystal ball.

I lean down kissing Justin's neck and nibbling on his ear. " Come on, Sunshine, let's go get our futures read." He looks at me shocked then amused.

As we enter the booth a calming sensation flows over me. The woman greets us with a smile.

"I'm Crystal."

We also introduce ourselves. She takes our hands leading us through the booth. "Brian, Justin, please join me on the sofa."

I look at her puzzled. "The sofa?"

She lets out a beautiful laugh. "Yes, no need for you to be uncozy in those fold out chairs. This reading will be different from what I usually give."

I have to admit I'm intrigued. "How come? Ours will be different?" I challenge her

She sits us down then grabs a chair sitting across from Justin and myself. "Because you were drawn to come here Brian, that in itself is different. Most people come looking for answers wanting a love, wanting cash, all the boring stuff. But you, my dear boy, are skeptical and the only reason why you are here is your pure gut. That's spirit, looking after you. That's why this is different; spirit has a message for you ." I feel a bit uneasy; she read my thoughts but at the same time she challenged me and I respect that.

"Your band is good. I see tonight you will be approached for a gig; it's for a local bar or club this is your stepping stone to bigger better things."

As she does the reading I watch Justin's expressions. There is something I am unable to detect; he does not seem himself.

Crystal takes Justin's hand in hers. "Dear young man, you are going through a very difficult time in your life. There will be decisions made that will change your life and Brian's forever." An eerie expression covers her face. Then she looks at me. "Brian, you and Justin will be separated; it is part of fate and it will make you stronger. But you need to keep an open mind, no matter what happens to Justin I emphasize no matter what happens to him. You will be reunited in 17 years."

I hear Justin clear his throat speaking for the first time. "How many months do we have left together?"

I see the hesitation in her eyes. She connects Justin's and my hands together; our fingers entwine. "You have four months. Enjoy every moment of them. Be safe in everything you do. You two are always meant to be together."

I take Justin in my arms. I feel him shaking and he whispers, "I knew it. I already knew, and our separation is my death." I feel sick from his words, he looks at me with his silver blue eyes.  "Brian, I am going to die."

Now I am so horrified I whisper in his ear, "If you die how will we come back together. I don't understand,"

He smiles up at me, tears in his eyes as he cups my cheek. "I am always with you, Brian, in spirit. I will come back. You need to look for my spirit I will be in another body."

"What! " I look at Crystal and then at Justin as if they were both insane. "Stop fucking with me."

Crystal puts her hand on my chest. "Your heart will know him. I wish we were fucking with you. But what Justin says is true. I can tell he has the sight; he has seen his fate. It was shown to me in visions as well." She pulls away. I can tell she is trying to break the tension with a silly grin. "To be honest I would never fuck with you, Brian. But on the other hand I would not mind fucking you though." She gives me a wink and chuckles. "But I know I am not your type. But boy, you two, next time you make a bathroom break try not to be so noticeable. You turned this old girl on, damn! "

Justin and I both let out a laugh at her unexpected tactic. "You saw that, huh? He gives his sunshine smile leaning back on the sofa seeming more confident. "What can we sa;y we just can't get enough of each other." Then he wraps his arm around me.

As we all stand she embraces Justin and myself. When I go to hand her the money for the reading she says, "No, my dear, this one as I said is different from most readings." She whispers in my ear to tell him more often how I feel and remember what Justin has to do is the correct thing even if it seems morally wrong." I look at her confused then she squeezes my arm to comfort me. Then whispers, "17 years."

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Lindsay looks around not seeing Brian or Justin. "Oh my God, Mikey, they're at it again," she playfully jokes rolling her eyes.

"I know they, like do it, like all the time," he chimes in his best valley girl tone. The two friends look at each other laughing. And in unison yell, "Like totally gag me with a spoon!"

Lindsay leans up against the wall letting out a breath of air . "I'm just jealous. I want some hot female tongue on my clit."

Michael scrunches his nose looking at her with wide eyes. "Eww." He cover his ears, "La, la, la I am not listening." He leans up against the wall next to Linds "You know the sad thing is, the only time I got somewhat lucky I paid for it and the blow job was awful and rushed. So I don't think it counts."

Brian and Justin walk around the corner just as Michael stops talking. "Well Mikey, if you shoot it counts." He walks away fast before Mikey can hit him. Laughing at his fast get away, he sticks his tongue out at his best friend. Then lets out a mocking laugh

"Asshole," Michael huffs out then gives a grin. "So besides fucking where have you two been?

He watches Justin and Brian. They both have a strange look upon their faces. Brian looks into Justin's eyes cupping his hands around his lover's face. Both gaze into each other silently; those unspoken words speaking volumes. Brian then looks at his best friend tongue in cheek. "We were just fucking is all." He pulls Justin into a passionate kiss savoring every moment like it is their last.

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Brian's POV

We have been forced to endure one awful talent after another for 45 minutes as we wait for our turn to go on stage. I roll my eyes at the tap dancing pig and Justin laughs wildly pulling me into a kiss. Even though we've had some trials today, the good has by far outweighed the bad. Huddled in each other's arms we notice Lindsay very nervously adding eyeliner on top of eyeliner.

I watch in amusement as Justin walks over and covers her hand. "Lindsay, stop! You're going to poke your eyes out." He grins at her slyly and grabs the pencil out of her hand. Before I know it he is stalking toward me with a look of determination. He taunts me with the pencil as he lets out an evil laugh.

"No way in hell am I going to wear chick make up," I growl.

"You know you want it, Brian. You want me to give it to you," he purrs softly as he moves closer. All of a sudden I notice him nodding his head to Mikey and Lindsay. In a flash all three of my friends have me pinned down on the ground with Mikey and Lindsay holding my arms and Justin straddling my hips.

"Fuck!" I try to wiggle myself free, but they all just laugh playfully and I finally give up and let them have their way.

"It's smooth sailing from now on," Justin breathes into my ear as he leans down grinding himself against me. The heat of his growing erection tempers the feeling of the harsh pencil against my tender skin. He pulls back and smiles as he licks his thumb and wipes it under my eyes.

I make a face at him. "What the fuck are you doing now?"

"Just a smudge, all better." Mikey and Lindsay finally let go of my arms as Justin leans down and kisses my ear. "Now you look hot!" He licks down my neck and sucks gently. His breath is warm against my skin and my own cock is straining at my zipper. He chuckles quietly and grabs my crotch before he pulls away. "Just something to remind you of me while we're on stage," he whispers.

"Asshole," I mutter as he climbs off me and sticks his tongue out. "Fuck guys, I'm no drag queen. Give me a fucking mirror." As I look at my reflection I realize Justin is right, I do look hot, maybe even sexy. "OK, I will admit it's not bad, but shit, warn a guy next time."

Finally it's our turn to go on stage. We all break into hysterical laughter as we hear the old man announce us. "And now for your listening pleasure; LUBE!"

We run to the stage too excited to feel nervous. In a matter of moments we have settled in and start our song. My breath catches in my throat when I look over at Justin. His blue eyes are twinkling so bright and he looks truly happy. Then he begins to sing and I am so mesmerized by his voice I almost forget to play my own part.

We debated long and hard before choosing which song we would play. Even though we know it will cause some commotion we decide to play 'Winter Bruises'. We all lose ourselves in the harsh beat of the music.

Winter Bruises

All alone in the winter

Cold in freezing

Blood flown passages

You don't really care

All I have are bruises in my mind

From your incentive

Will you go away

If I tell you to fuck off?

You never wanted me

So take away your ignorant logic

Have another beer

Go to the living room

Lose yourself in the game

Keep telling yourself everything's OK

You are a weak minded mother fucker

Will you go away

If I tell you to fuck off?

You never wanted me

So take away your ignorant logic

Drugged and alone

I feel your piercing tongue

Killing me slowly

No kindness left in these bones

We are all shocked as our amps and microphones are suddenly turned off. I look at my best friends; Lindsay grins mischievously and holds up her hands in the typical sign of rock 'n roll. I nod to her with a grin then do the same as I look into the audience. I am amazed when I see the teenagers and young adults cheering for us to go on playing. The older people are scowling and shaking their heads in disgust.

I yell, "Rock and roll!" As we run off the stage laughing just as hard as when we entered. Throwing my arms around Justin I kiss him passionately, savoring his taste. I lay my forehead against his and whisper, "Now that was fucking hot!"

We all turn to listen as Debbie yells at the man who cut our amps and microphones. "What is wrong with you? These kids are talented and you just turned off their music?"

"Well ma'am, their music is vulgar and not appropriate for the fair."

"Haven't you ever heard of freedom of speech? All I got to say to you mister is shame on you, and fuck you too if you can still even get it up at your age"

I shake my head laughing as Debbie turns her back on the befuddled man and embraces each of us. "I'm proud of all of you for taking a stand and saying 'fuck you' to the masses."

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As we walk out of the grounds with our instruments I hear someone calling my name. "Brian, Brian. Wait!"

"Yeah? "

The short red-haired man looks to be in his mid 20's. He is out of breath as he speaks to me. "Hi, I'm Charlie. My family and I own a small bar on Liberty Avenue called Woody's. I know you guys are underage and can't drink but you can still play your music if you're interested. I'm not sure how much we can pay right now but it would be a start."

I was stunned. "Really? You want to hire us?"

"Hell yeah, you guys where fucking awesome! Can you come Friday around four? You could set up and do a dress rehearsal then come back and play around 8 if that's ok?"

I hold out my hand to shake his. "Definitely a plan. Thanks, man."

I run up to the rest of my bandmates and put my arms around them. "Guess who has a gig?" I give them my best smug tone.

Michael looks at me in shock. "No fucking way! Even after they turned us off?"

"Well, Mikey," I whisper in his ear, "someone must have gotten turned on cause we got a gig!"

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Brian's POV Present day

Sitting on the bench next to the young man I am startled by his words when he asks who I am to him. I don't know what to say and the words fumble in my mouth. " I don't know who you are to me, but I do know you resemble someone I once cared about." I pause and look hard at the young man. His eyes reveal a sweet innocence but as I look deeper within his soul there is an intensity of a story untold. There is anguish, sadness and burdens that I am not even sure he knows are there. I do though, and in him I see the same presence I once saw in the only man I ever cared about. I choke back my tears and look down at his wrists, noticing red marks running vertically up both arms. Lightly I touch them with my fingertips, feeling the young man shudder under my touch.

There is sadness in his eyes as he looks at me with a gaze full of pain. "I know what it looks like, but I've never tried to hurt myself. The marks have been there since birth. I was told my brother Justin slit his wrists and died hours before I was born. I always felt these marks were a symbol that he was looking after me."

I am dumbfounded from his words. "Gabriel." I know my voice holds a hint of desperation. "I can't do this now." I can feel the tears welling in my eyes. Holding them back I harden my emotions and Gabriel seems surprised at my rapid mood change. I get up smirking at him, and speak into his ear firmly, "I'm onto you kid and I don't need this shit. Digging up my past; now that is an interesting trick for a groupie," I say tongue in cheek.

I see Michael approach when I walk away but I slide right past choosing to ignore him. I want to avoid his accusations and questions right now. Right now what I need is pain management to be able to handle this new occurrence in my life. I take a small vile from my pocket and inhale twice. Shaking off the sensation I try to disconnect myself from reality.

I notice a tall, good-looking redhead leaning against the bar. Nice ass, big cock, yeah he'll do the trick. He gives me the once over and I smirk as I grab him by the waistband of his jeans and tow him to my room. I don't care if he knows who I am, I need release. Dominating him, I shove him against the wall. He tries to kiss me, they all try, but I just bury my head into his neck to avoid his lips. I never let my tricks kiss me. I haven't kissed anyone sexually since Justin and that's how it should be. Turning the trick against the wall I reach in my pocket for lube and a condom. Preparing him and myself, I bury my cock deep within the trick's ass.

As I'm fucking him all I can see is Justin, his sunshine smile and his infectious laugh. He's just downstairs, all I have to do is admit he came back to me, but I can't. The pain is still so real after all these years. I can still see the blood from his open wrists on that horrible night. Fuck, I grit my teeth trying to rid myself of my thoughts. I hear the trick yell in ecstasy as I thrust harder

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Justin's POV

Through the windows of Gabriel's orbs I see my love Brian. I am buried deep inside my brother's subconscious, but I am him and he is me. I can see in Brian's eyes that he knows it's me, but he's scared. I hurt him so badly; I hurt my only love. I hope Brian understands my life is better now. I know Gabriel does not understand because when I was reincarnated most of my memories were lost. Now only through hints of dreams can he realize the truth. I don't want him to see it all though. I don't want him to remember the pain.

I know where Brian has gone and I know what he's doing. It's what we always did when things got rough. Our own special form of pain management. In the back of Gabriel's mind I am his intuition and I will encourage him not to give up. I will remind him of a story his mother once told him long ago. I smile to myself when I think of what is to come.

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Gabriel's POV

Sitting here alone I remain baffled by this man. How did he know my name? I feel the tears building up; why did he think I was playing him? I'm no groupie. Sure I've heard their music but I never even knew what he looked like. There was something familiar about his voice that resonated within me. I was not starstruck even when I met him. I came along with my Uncle Ben so we could spend some time together while he was in town and now, God! I knew something was different when I saw Brian. He is the man from my dreams, from my memories. How do I know him and how does he know me?

Suddenly I am reminded of a tragic love story my mother once told me when I was about 12. I awoke one night screaming from a nightmare. I did not comprehend the parallels it had in my life. My mother ran into my room and held me close rocking me. She spoke quietly as she wove the tragic tale.

"Gabriel, I know what I'm going to tell you sounds crazy but I swear to you all these events are true. I was in the process of trying to adopt a child, which would be you." She smiled pulling me close. I couldn't help but giggle. "Your father and I had been having a difficult time getting everything to go through. I had gone to the fair with a friend of mine who encouraged me to go see the psychic there. I laughed at her but felt drawn as well.  When I walked in the booth the beautiful woman took my hands right away.

'Sweet lady, it has been shown to me that you work as a nurse and you are trying to adopt a child. In four months you will have an infant come to you under tragic circumstances. He will need to be loved and cherished. He is a kind soul who yet still lives in this present moment. She pointed to a young blonde man on stage singing with his band. He will be your son reincarnated. His life is difficult now and he has a very cruel and abusive father. His mother is kind but very frightened. In 4 months he will take his own life the same night his mother dies giving birth to his younger brother. You will raise the baby in a loving family.' She pointed to another man on stage. 'That is his lover, Brian. They will be rejoined in love in 17 years. Please be open to their relationship. I know this is difficult to hear, but they belong together and always have.'

I pull away from my mother and look at her like she may have lost her mind. She laughs and hugs me again. "You know, sweetie, I thought the woman was loony. Trust me, but I don't think that way anymore. I was there that night in the hospital when it all happened." I could see the tears swelling in her eyes as she grabs for a tissue. "I'm sorry, Gabe. It's just hard to talk about. But I am so glad you came to me out of the whole mess."

She dabbed her eyes again and continued to tell the story. "All I know is the part I saw. A tall young man with auburn hair stepped out of the ambulance in a complete state of shock. He was drenched in blood and tears. I could hear someone else wailing and saw an older woman who was very pregnant. She kept screaming over and over, 'He can't be dead! He can't be!' Then she would huddle over in pain as another contraction overtook her. Another nurse was at her side in a matter of moments leading her to a chair. The younger man clung to the bloody body covered in a sheet as it lay on a gurney. He made no sound as he wept vigilantly. Then the pregnant woman hysterically called to the young man, 'Brian, Brian! I need you! Please, please, I need you!' He looked over to her and came out of his daze, then became focused on her pain. He walked straight over to me. His voice was a little shaky, but he seemed steady. 'I need to be with her, but I can't do it covered in her son's blood. He was HIV positive. Do you have a place I could shower?' I was stunned by his bluntness, yet already he was caring for you."

Mom patted my knee with a hint of a smile. "He wanted you to be safe. I could see how brokenhearted he was but he was able to pull himself together for you. I led him to the Doctor's showers and he thanked me very politely."

As I listen to my mother intently the tragic story reminds me of bits and pieces of the dreams I have had through the years. Her voice was a bit shaky as she continued. "The whole thing was a big circus. Police were swarming the room asking questions about your birth father. Brian stepped out of the labor room for a moment to give a report of what he knew. Then he asked them to please leave Jennifer alone until after the birth of her child. He stayed with her as her coach and Jennifer seemed to be fine until it was time to push. Nobody realized until it was too late that she had a weak heart. We found out later that she had been too afraid of her husband to keep up on her prenatal visits. Her heart gave out, but she lived long enough to hold you and give you your name. She loved you very much; that much I could see."

"After your mother passed Brian finally let everything overtake him. He sat in her room and cried for hours. At that point I realized who he was; the young man from the stage at the fair and then I knew who you were. I wrapped you up nice and warm and cautiously walked into the room. I sat down next to him and asked if he would like to hold you, Gabriel. Brian nodded his head and took your small body into his arms. I heard him whisper, 'You came back. Just like you promised.' He held you close and caressed your cheek and I saw a spark in his eyes. I knew right then that the story the psychic told me was true." She brushed my hair out of my eyes, "Gabe, you have a good life now so never be afraid, plus a wonderful man that will come into your life when you're old enough." I remember how much I blushed at her words.

All my questions had been answered except one, "Mom what happened to my birth father?"

I saw the pain resurface in her eyes as she held both my hands. "Honey, one of the reasons Justin killed himself was his father." She choked on her tears. "I'm sorry, honey, give me a moment." Pulling herself together she wiped her eyes and blew her nose then looked at me. "Now remember, honey, this is in the past. Your father beat your brother many times, often until he broke bones, then he would drug him with heroin so he would not have to take him to the hospital. He purposefully infected your brother with HIV. Craig was arrested for attempted murder and the amount of drugs found in the home alone was enough to lock him up for a long time."

I was shocked and appalled but also relieved. "So he's in jail?" She shook her head no. "What? He got out?"

She let out a little laugh; "No honey, he's 6 feet under, prison life was not good to him."

I remember that night and my head starts spinning. I can't believe I have already forgotten everything my mother told me. God, how could I have forgotten that?

My thoughts are interrupted as a middle-aged woman with long red hair sits next to me. Her words are soft. "You were not supposed to remember." I look at her in confusion and see tears in her eyes as she cups my chin with her hand. Her fingertips shake slightly. "You look just like him. Your brother was a good man," she then smiles, "you are a good man."

I pull from her grasp. "Do I know you?"

"We met once in your other life and I met your mother 17 years ago. I am only here to confirm that her story is true. Please be gentle with Brian, his heart is fragile. He comes across strong but he's been so broken." She puts her hand on my wrist and caresses the marks. "These are to remind you of who you once were. You are your brother so yes he has always been with you." She hands me a card with her number. "Call me if you two ever need anything." She vanishes just as quickly as she appeared.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Michael's POV

Brian walks past me without even acknowledging my existence. I watch as he takes a bump then grabs a trick. I immediately recognize his old form of pain management. It was how he got through Justin's death and anything else that has been tragic in his life. I look at the young man he was sitting next to and see the confusion on his face.

Focusing back on Brian I yell for him but he keeps walking. "Brian! Brian! Fuck," I mutter under my breath. Curiosity gets the best of me as I walk back into the lobby. I see a woman is now talking to the young man. I turn for a moment and then she's gone and I feel a cold chill travel up my spine. Something inside me says I need to go talk to him, but I'm not sure if I want to. I don't know if I should hug the kid because he looks like our friend or slug him.

Before I can reach him he is standing in front of me. His voice sounds concerned. "You must be Michael. Is my Uncle Ben still in your room? I need to talk to him." I can feel my jaw almost drop to the floor. Fuck, this changes everything. Now I remember Ben saying his nephew Gabriel was going to stay with him while we were in town. Suddenly realization floods into my head and it all makes sense.

I grab his wrist and look sternly into his eyes. "Don't hurt Brian. I realize who you are now and he needs time."

The kid looks shaken. "I'm sorry, I didn't know. I swear I did not know. He thinks I'm some groupie trying to fuck with his head."

I become very protective of my friend. "What did you say to make him even question the possibility?"

Gabe holds up his wrist and I can see the marks. "He asked about these so I told him how I've had them since I was born and explained that my brother Justin slit his wrists the night I was born. I just said I thought they meant my brother was telling me that he was looking out for me."

I feel the anger rolling off me. "Fuck kid, what did you do? Shit! No wonder Brian is back to pain management mode."

"Pain management? What does that mean?"

I run my fingers through my hair. "Fuck. It means he uses some sort of substance to alter his mind then grabs a trick and fucks his brains out." I pull him with me. "Let's go get your Uncle. I need to find Brian." As we get to the door I look at Gabe. "He doesn't do boyfriends anymore. He's been hurt too badly so stay the fuck away from him, ok? He does not need this now."

I have to admit the kid's got balls. He reminds me of his brother as he pushes me with a steely glint in his eyes. "Don't fucking tell me what to do when it comes to Brian. You always wanted him for yourself. You gave my Brother a hard time at first too and now you're trying to control me."

I'm not sure what to say. "How did you know that?" He winks at me laughing,."Call it a hunch. Now tell me where the fuck Brian's room is. I've decided to talk to him instead of good old Uncle Ben."

I tell him the room number and Gabe walks off laughing wickedly very much like Justin used to do. I can imagine him in my mind tossing a lit cigarette carelessly to the ground as he walked off with that 'I don't give a shit' attitude.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Gabriel's POV

As I approach Brian's room moans of ecstasy seep through the door. The sensation of my own growing erection frustrates me. "Shit!" I reach in my pocket and grab a cigarette and lighter. I look up on the wall and see a no smoking sign. "Fuck that!" I growl in irritation as I light the cigarette not caring about the repercussions. A nervous laugh flees my lips as I debate how to approach Brian. Deciding not to knock I turn the doorknob instead, letting myself quietly into Brian's room.

Brian makes eye contact with me instantly and a smirk spreads across his lips. I become aroused automatically as I take in the small beads of sweat that have formed on his tan, lean frame. A slight gasp leaves my lips before I can stop it and he lets out an arrogant laugh as he thrusts harder, firmly holding the tricks thighs with each thrust, never letting his eyes drift from mine.

As I lean against the door and take another deep drag from my cigarette I feel my thoughts being led to another time. I can hear a shower running and my surroundings appear to be a school hallway. I walk into the shower room and see a beautiful site before me. Brian is younger and just as handsome, as his naked form glistens through the water. His hands are firmly planted on an older mans hips as he slams in hard bringing them both over the edge. Leaning against the wall ,I stroke myself as their muffled orgasm overtakes them. The memory seems to fade and all I can hear is my voice, "I saw you fucking the gym teacher."

I open my eyes suddenly. I see Brian is standing naked before me. His tone is sarcastic. "So did you like the show?"

I'm not sure what to say so I nervously take another drag as he gently moves me away from the door and pushes the trick out. I'm amused when I notice the trick is still naked then Brian shoves his clothes and shoes into his arms. "When do I get to see you again?" the trick asks excitedly.

Brian raises his eyebrow smirking. "In your dreams." He slams the door hard and turns to look at me intensely. "What are you doing here?"

I hear the words forming on my lips but I don't understand how they escaped. "I saw you."

He lets out a husky laugh. "Of course you saw me. You invaded my room, now you can get the fuck out."

Looking him directly in the eyes my voice is firm. "No, I saw you fucking the gym teacher." I smirk at him showing my equal rank in this fucked up situation.

For a split second Brian's guard goes down and he looks at me in complete shock. Then he shrugs his shoulders leaning in close. "I've fucked a lot of guys. What's your point?" He pulls away and grabs the cig from my hand putting it out. "You're too young to smoke, Sonny boy."

"And you're too old to fuck around."

He lets out a laugh. "You have your brother's attitude; its uncanny." I can feel the emotions flowing through his body but he is holding on strong.

He pushes past me and grabs a bottle of Jim Beam then turns on his CD player. The Cranberries play softly in the background as he gulps down the harsh liquid like water. Playfully I raise my brow at his choice of music.

"What?" Slamming the bottle down forcefully on the nightstand his piercing eyes penetrate intensely against my skin.

All of a sudden I'm burning from the urgency of needing him. I walk up to him. "I'm just shocked you like a group like this is all."

He clears his throat looking away. "Well I don't follow anyone's rules. I like what I like."

I nod at him holding back a smile. "Well I like them too, if that's any consolation." The music flows through me giving me courage as I draw nearer to him. I wrap my hand around his neck and pull him down to me. Disappointment runs though my whole being as he tilts his head away. Unexpectedly I feel his warm hands touch both sides of my face as he looks deeply into my soul. A spark of acknowledgment shows in his expression before he crushes our lips together in a sensual kiss. A muffled cry escapes from his mouth into mine and then I am tasting his tears. I bring him into a comforting embrace whispering to him softly. "Brian?"

I'm confused by my own emotions. We just met and already I want to confess my undying love to him. Brian looks up at me and I see it in his eyes. I see his own desire and need for my affection. The sensation is strong as I feel his body heat so close to mine, I place my hand over his heart and whisper, "Brian, I'm going to fall in love with you. You don't have to love me back."

He lets out a loud gasp as his body collapses onto the bed. His breath is heavy and labored as the shock of my words careen into his soul. His voice quivers when he is finally able to speak. "It's you. It's really you." He chokes out a small laugh as he pulls me down on the bed next to him pulling me into a deep, passionate kiss. My head swirls as we gasp for air. I can't help but smile at this man who is awakening all these new feelings in me.

"Brian I know who I am to you now." I put my hand on his cheek and he leans into it. "I don't remember my life then, except for a few things."

He puts his hand over mine. "Good, you don't need to be reminded of such things." He clears his throat and looks away. "I thought Justin was fucking with me when he said he would be back and here you are."

My eyes widen. "I knew?"

He nods as he places both of his hands on my face and leans his forehead against mine. Brian's warm breath sends shivers down my spine and my body trembles slightly. He pulls away with concern. "Are you OK?"

"Yeah. It's just for the first time in my life I feel complete." He leans in and kisses me again. His smile is evident against my lips as his tongue presses into my mouth; he lets out a gasp and pulls me closer. His hard cock is firmly pressed against mine as we lay back on the bed. He runs his fingers through my hair and lets out a masculine moan that makes me even harder.

I'm concerned when I feel his body abruptly stiffen then relax again. I realize he is listening to the music that is still softly playing. I listen to the words of the song and am moved as well.

You and Me / By the Cranberries

I'm not going out tonight

'cos I don't want to go

I am staying at home tonight

'cos I don't want to know

You revealed a world to me

And I would never be

Dwelling in such happiness,

Your gift of purity

Eh-ee-oh, eh-ee-oh,

Eh-ee-oh, eh-ee-oh

Ahh, you and me it will always be

You and me forever be,

Eternally it will always be you and me

Taylor, Taylor, Taylor, Taylor

I don't pay attention

To the ones who never cared

Find your own direction

'cos there's sweetness in the air

You will be the world to me

And I will always be

Dwelling in this happiness,

Your gift of purity

Eh-ee-oh, eh-ee-oh,

Eh-ee-oh, eh-ee-oh

Ahh, you and me will always be

You and me forever be,

Eternally will always be

You and me

Always be you and me

Forever be, eternally

It will always be you and me

Forever be, eternally

Taylor, Taylor

I am panting with each kiss as Brian plays out his emotions on my body. I have wanted him since I was old enough to understand what sex was. I have saved myself in hopes that this man in my dreams was someone I might come to meet one day. Now here he is hovering over me, spreading kisses over my chest as he opens my shirt. He bends down kissing my navel then licking up to my neck, nibbling harshly on my flesh.

"Brian," I say softly. He pulls away piercing me with his hazel eyes; "I have never let anyone fuck me before. Please be careful ok. I've always been the top with the few encounters I've had."

He tilts his head up beaming with arrogance. "I know."

I sit up and raise my brow in question. "How do you know?"

He pushes me down playfully. "Because you said next time around it would be your turn. That you would save yourself for me; if you were able to, of course."

My mind is full of questions. "My turn? What do you mean?"

Brian leans down taking my earlobe in his mouth then talks to me, his voice dripping with sex. "You were the first and only one I let fuck me. You told me you wanted me to be your first and only the next time around since it wasn't possible in that life."

I arch my back to the sensation of his warm breath in my ear. He trails his hand down my spine as he lays me back down, kissing and touching every part of my body. His hand brushes against my cock, which is waiting for its release from my tight jeans. He looks up smiling as he opens my pants and slowly pulls them down. "Are you sure you want to do this?"

I nod my head shyly. I feel comfortable with him but all of a sudden I am insecure about my body and I'm not sure why. It's like he can read my thoughts and his words are gentle and kind.

"Gabriel, your body is perfect, never doubt yourself. You're a new man." Brian covers my body with his as he kisses me again. "Your body was always perfect to me, even when you felt otherwise."

No more words are spoken as I lose myself in his touch and give into him completely. His touches are full of longing and intimacy as he claims me for his own once again. He guides me gently onto my belly and licks down my spine. I hear a muffled cry and feel a teardrop on my back. It's a new beginning for both of us. He takes a deep breath then plants soft kisses on my ass as he spreads me open and tongues my quivering hole. As he pushes inside he reaches under me and caresses my cock as his tongue goes deeper and deeper. I holler his name and clinch my ass around his tongue. When I come with a shout. giddy laughter overtakes me. He drops down beside me and smiles at me with pure love.

We spend a moment just gazing at each other then I smile at him mischievously and climb on top of him. As I kiss Brian's neck I see how different he is with me than he was with the trick from earlier. He is giving himself to me without any reservation. I lick down his chest and belly then reach for his hard cock kissing it ever so softly. He stops me suddenly. "Justin. Stop." I just look at him and he's flustered by his own words. He shakes his head. "Fuck. Gabriel, we need to stop. We can't do this without protection. We promised ourselves that we would use condoms to keep each other safe; even with blowjobs." He sits up letting the emotions cross his face. "I can't lose you again. I just can't." Tears flow from his eyes and I take him into a tender embrace and kiss him softly.

I pull him down on top of me again. "I want you, Brian. I need you inside me."

"Are you sure?"

Nodding my head yes I put the condom on him like I know I have done a million times before even though it's our first time in this life. He moans softly and arches into my touch.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Brian's POV

I'm glad Gabriel can't remember all the things Justin went through. Unfortunately I do, I remember. I remember everything. It's been 17 years and I'm not sure if I can make a commitment to this beautiful young man. I realize that he is Justin. I even called him Justin. Fuck, what's wrong with me?

I need him so badly but I don't know if I can handle this. I can do this. He is begging me to be his first and I have the condom on but all I want to do is run. I ask him again if he is sure and hope with all hope that he will want to stop.

I grab the lube beginning to prepare him, but it's like he senses my reluctance. "Brian, if you are having any doubts, let's stop."

I feel the lump in my throat. "Gabriel, it's just that I'm having trouble seeing you as a different man. You look so happy and I know what you want. I want the same thing too, but I can't give you everything you need. I wish I could. It's been so long and I don't know if I can be in a committed, monogamous relationship."

He lays a gentle hand on my cheek. "Brian, I never asked for that kind of commitment. I may not remember my previous life but I know how I feel . As long as you are the only one I let inside me and I am the only one you let inside you I'll know what we have is special. I see that in your eyes. That's the only commitment I need from you."

Letting out a small laugh I caress his face with kisses. "You're amazing, you always have been." I lower my fingers and slowly put one into his tight hole. His movements are so like Justin's. I always loved watching how he surrendered his whole body to our lovemaking. I add another finger and he lets out a groan that makes me even harder. I lean in and kiss him and as our tongues entwine he pushes against my fingers desperately. I add a third finger carefully, not wanting to hurt him. He's so tight, so new. I can see he's a little uncomfortable. "It gets better. I won't lie, it does hurt at first."

"Brian please, I can handle the pain. I just need you. I need us to be one again. God I want you!" He pulls me in tighter and forcefully, hungry with lust he throws his legs over my shoulders. His nails dig into my skin with each inch of my cock that enters him. God, he is so fucking tight. I watch him carefully to make sure he is OK. His eye are dark with need and wanting more he thrusts against me pulling me further inside. His groan of pain turns instantly into ecstasy.

"Fuck," is all he can manage to say as he smiles at me, panting. I lean my forehead down to touch his as I slowly move in and out of him. My own moans echo through the room. We are sharing the dance of our lives. One I thought I would never be able to have again. Here he is under me now, full of hunger, lust and love. Our moans linger in each other's mouths as I stroke his cock and push against his prostate sending us both over the edge. We both come with such force we lay panting in each other's arms for a moment.

I pull out of him and take off the condom and discard it. I clean him off with a wet washcloth and am worried when I see he is shaking violently. "Are you ok?"

He smiles brightly. "Never better. My body is just getting use to the change."

I smile at him. "I remember I did the same thing." Bringing his body close to mine I pull the blankets over us to keep him warm and as safe as possible. I can tell when he succumbs to sleep. I watch him in his restful state letting my tears kick in again as I remember the dreadful month before Justin's passing.

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