Trangressions

Part1

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Lindsay stands in front of the mirror, scrunching up her curly hair, a smile spreading upon her lips as she blots her black and maroon lipstick. She makes a quick turn, pulling her leather mini skirt down slightly.

"Perfect!" she thinks to herself, then grabs her drumsticks and walks out the door.

Brian stands outside Lindsay's door, smoking a joint. Lindsay closes the door behind her and makes her way towards Brian. She takes the joint from his hand and inhales deeply. She winks at him, noticing how hot he looks. His hair is dyed black and is slightly tousled. His thick black eyeliner makes his eyes look even more pronounced.

Brian looks Lindsay over in the same manner. "Damn. You look fucking hot, Linds." He pulls her into a playful kiss.

"You don't look half bad yourself," Lindsay purrs while seductively running her hand over his chest. "I love the white suit and black tie, very classy."

Brian takes another hit then puts out the joint on the brick wall. He smirks at Lindsay, then grabs her hand and starts to run. "Come on! We've got to go. Mikey will shit if we're late getting on stage." She laughs, following behind him.

Michael runs up to them frantically, holding his bass tightly. "Fuck, I thought I would have to call a search party."

Brian kisses him on the cheek. "No need to worry, we're here now; let the concert begin!"

Brian gives his best friend a goofy grin. It slightly falters when he sees the look of panic in Mikey's eyes. He looks at the tension in his best friend; something seemed off. "Mikey, is every thing ok?"

Michael's eyes trail away from Brian's. "Um yeah, everything's fine," he mumbles, then looks at the ground.

"Mikey, you're not a very good liar. What's wrong?"

"I saw somebody on my way to the stage." His face becomes pale. "Someone from your past, Brian."

Brian looks at him nonchalantly. "Yeah, so? As long as you did not fuck them." He smirks. "You're too good for leftovers," he says, kissing his friend on the cheek again.

Michael becomes even more tense. "No Brian, damn it. I fucking saw Justin Taylor. Well, it looked like him, anyway."

The color in Brian's face fades as he slumps to the floor. "Shit. It can't be, Mikey." His voice becomes very weak and shaken. "He died 17 years ago. I was there. I saw it happen." His eyes become misty.

Michael sits next to his friend, rubbing his shoulder. "I know, I know. But fuck, Brian, it's too uncanny. I had to let you know. I didn't want you to freak when you saw him. This guy was backstage. I don't know who he was or is. We all know it can't be him, but shit, damn! He looks just like him. Except...."

"Except?" Brian and Lindsay both chime.

"He has really short hair and dresses really preppie"

The three huddle on the floor remembering their fallen band mate from years ago. He was anything but preppie. A rebel in his own right. Brian clears his misty eyes before hitting the stage. He smiles intensely at his two best friends, masking his emotions.

The three stand in position behind the thick curtains. Lindsay hits her drumsticks together. "One! Two! Three! Four!" she yells.

Shouts and screams echo through the large stadium. The drumbeat overtakes the three best friends as they become a part of their music. Brian plays his guitar viciously, the punk sound pouring through his fingers. He sings into the microphone, then smiles at Mikey as they harmonize together.

Brian looks through the haze of the lights piercing through the shadows, and glimpses the young man Mikey spoke of. He can feel a lump in his throat as the vision of the only man he ever cared about stands before him in the front row. He tries to look away but is pulled back instantly when the young man smiles at him. It is the beautiful smile that won his heart so long ago. He has to get away, get his mind away from this man. Brian runs across the stage, playing even harder, trying to get Justin out of his head. Lindsay and Michael struggle to keep up with his rushed rhythm.

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17 years earlier

Justin's long blond hair is pulled back behind his shoulders. His leather trench coat hugs his body warmly in the cool October morning. His nerves clench through his body. Grabbing his flask, he takes a big gulp of Jim Beam. He grimaces at the harshness on his empty stomach, lighting a cigarette as he approaches his new high school.

Leaning up against a willow tree, inhaling deeply on his cig, taking another gulp of Jim Beam, he feels a presence approaching him. A husky, sexy voice pulls him away from his thoughts. "You got a light?" Looking up into the most amazing hazel eyes, he is speechless for a moment. He nods as he lights the stranger's cigarette. Brian takes a deep drag holding up his cigarette. "Thanks, you new here?"

"Yeah, first day." He grabs for his flask.

Brian covers Justin's hand with his. "Easy there, sunshine, no need to be drunk before the day even begins." He pulls out his own flask. "You want it to last all fucking day."

Justin laughs and feels more at ease. "Yeah, I think you're right. What's your poison?"

Brian smirks. "Jim Beam. Is there anything else?"

"Ahhhhh! A Jim Beam man. I think we will get along just fine." Justin pushes himself away from the tree and whispers in Brian's ear, "It's my poison too." With that, he walks away.

Brian smirks at the new student. "Later."

"Later," Justin smiles. "Oh, by the way, my name's Justin Taylor."

Brian grins from ear to ear. "Brian Kinney."

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Brian is walking out to his car during lunch. He hears a haunting voice singing along to a guitar. Walking closer to a beat up Volkswagen Bug he sees the young man from the morning. Brian playfully knocks on the hood of the car.

Justin jolts out of his trancelike state of mind, letting out a scream. "Shit ,you scared me," he smiles at Brian.

Brian can't help but laugh. "Just admiring your song. You're good. I didn't mean to scare you." He gives a laughing smirk. "But that was an added bonus for me. I liked hearing you scream. Maybe I can hear you call my name next time," he says, tongue in cheek, then starts to walk away.

Justin's mouth almost drops at the comment. He feels a stirring in his pants, and lets out a slight moan. Brian turns, winking at him.

"Hey, I was going to Liberty Diner with some friends during lunch. You want to join me?"

Justin nods his head, getting out of his car. "Love to." He tilts his head toward his car. "Do you want me to drive?"

Brian walks closer with a suspicious smile, leaning in to smell Justin's breath. "Sure, I don't smell any Jim Beam on you."

Before Justin can say anything, Brian leans in closer, devouring him in a deep, passionate kiss.

Justin wraps his hand behind Brian's neck, bringing him in deeper. Dominating the kiss with his tongue. Both moaning into the kiss. Justin pulls away smirking as Brian grabs Justin's hip to bring him closer. He looks deep into Justin's penetrating eyes only to see pain and notices Justin is holding his breath. Letting go, Brian freezes. He's seen that look before. He knows the pain, the emotions. Tilting Justin's chin to look deep into his soul, he whispers, "Justin, are you ok?"

"Yeah. Just an old injury." He looks at Brian, trying to cover up his pain.

Brian nods his head in understanding. "Yeah, I bet about twelve hours old by the way you flinched." He grabs Justin's hand, "Change of plans, we're taking my car."

**********

Justin sits in the car, masking any emotions. Suddenly he notices they are driving away from town, then turning down a dirt road.

"Brian, where are we going?"

"Somewhere safe."

Justin notices Brian has a distant look in his eyes and wonders what this man's story is.

Justin raises his eyebrow. "Ok, sounds interesting."

Brian smirks. "It can be, but that's not why I'm bringing you here. I've never brought a trick here. It's my sanctuary."

Brian pulls up in front of an old abandoned home. The white paint is peeling from the drastic weather changes. The deck is slightly tilting. Brian entwines his fingers with Justin's as they walk to the home. He takes out a key, unlocking the door.

Justin looks at him dumbfounded, and laughs. "You have a key to an abandoned house?"

Brian smiles a bit. "Yeah. I put it on after we found this place. No way in hell do I want someone in my domain."

As Brian enters the doorway, he turns on a battery operated lantern. Justin stands in awe at the room around him. It may be abandoned but it was definitely a home. There is a sofa, several Bean bags, books and a portable radio inside. In the corner is a drum set, acoustic guitar and acoustic bass.

"Damn, this place is great." He looks at the instruments. "You play?"

Brian smiles sheepishly. "My friends and I have a band. We try, anyway," he laughs.

Justin eyes are diverted from the instruments when he suddenly notices the art work on the walls. Tracing his hand on the wall, he exclaims, "Fuck, this is awesome. I love fantasy art. These dragons have amazing detail."

Brian smiles proudly. "Linds, she's an amazing artist and drummer. Mikey is my other good friend. He plays the bass. This place is our sanctuary. We're the only ones to ever come here." He looks at Justin intensely. "Now that I brought you here, I have one of two choices. Either I kill you or I give you a key." Brian smirks, then hands Justin a key.

Justin looks at his new friend, bewildered as he takes the key.

"You just met me. Why would you give me a key?"

Brian shrugs his shoulders nonchalantly, then looks into Justin's eyes, gently touching his lips. "You need a safe place to go. I see it in your eyes."

Brian pulls back abruptly, placing his hand at the back of his neck. "Fuck!" He starts pacing. His emotions are running rampant, not being used to the sensations this young man brings out in him.

Justin walks up behind Brian, touching his shoulders. "Brian. You don't have to do this. I can see it's hard on you, plus we just met. I understand."

Brian gently touches Justin's hand on his shoulder and whispers, "I know you understand". Brian shakes his head as he takes off his jacket and shirt revealing the fresh scars on his back.

He hears a gasp from Justin, then feels soft hands caressing around the scars. "You're right. I do understand."

Brian turns, looking Justin in the eyes as he growls, "I didn't show you for pity! Shit, I don't know why I showed you. I don't do romance, I don't do boyfriends, I don't do this sentimental bullshit."

Justin removes his own jacket and shirt, revealing the cigarette scars on his chest. "Why the fuck would I give you pity? I don't do that crap either. All I know is, I met you today and for the first time in a long time I fucking feel safe."

Brian pulls Justin in close to his chest, stroking his long blond hair which flows to the middle of his back. "Your hair is so soft," Brian whispers into his ear seductively. "I want to fuck you."

Justin pulls Brian down into a passionate kiss. Lost in their emotions and touch, they never hear the door open, only the shriek of Lindsay. "Brian! Justin?!"

Both men look up suddenly. Justin is startled to hear his name. He looks at the young woman.

"Oh my God, Lindsay? You're Brian's friend? Fuck. I had no idea. I thought the art looked familiar." He runs up to her, giving her a big hug.

Brian stands there, confused, clearing his throat. "You two know each other?"

Lindsay giggles. "Brian, I guess you've already met my cousin Justin. His family moved back to the Pitts last week."

"Well, fuck me, that's my luck."

Justin whispers in his ear. "I still plan on fucking you later." Then he winks.

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Present day; Brian's POV

The heat of the stage lights burns into my skin. It's a gnawing sensation. Suddenly a cool breeze crawls through my spine. I feel his presence. It's him. I don't know how I know, but it's him. Through the shadows, I see his eyes, piercing deep into my being. Our eyes lock; I feel his spirit call to me. I notice the confusion in his eyes; the awareness; the wanting. He walks closer to the stage. I can barely handle his presence.

As I look into his eyes again, I see something I never saw there before. He is truly happy. Without a doubt, no heartache, no abusive father. His eyes are so innocent, so pure, so full of love. That alone shows me this can't possibly be my Justin. Yet, I feel him; so close to my heart. Like he is whispering and telling me he is ok.

I pull myself into my music, singing as loudly as I can, tuning out his whispers, running rampantly across the stage. I still see him. I hear Lindsay go into her drum solo as Mikey pulls me offstage. I look into my best friend's beautiful brown eyes and see the concern and love he has for me. Pulling him into a hug, tears streaming down my face, I wipe them away and whisper, "I feel like a pathetic fag."

Mikey brushes the sweaty hair from my forehead and kisses me gently. "You're anything but pathetic. It's understandable, your tears. You were good together; together you made sense."

I look at him, feeling at such a loss for words. He caresses my cheek as I stare at him.

"Brian, it's ok, you don't need to say a word."

Finally, I feel the lump clear from my throat and whisper, "He looks so happy, Mikey. He looks so fucking happy." I bury my head into my best friend's shoulder as he holds me. No questions asked.

I hear the drum solo begin to fade. Wiping the tears from my eyes, I pull away from my friend and plaster a smile on my face. He knows my routine; he knows it well. Patting my back, he heads back onstage with me.

The audience is cheering Lindsay's dazzling performance. She knows she's hot, and eats up as much attention as she can as we finish our performance. I can see her concern and I can't help wondering if she saw him too.

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17 years earlier

Lindsay plops down on the sofa opening a beer she brought and offering each of them one. Brian looks at her oddly. "Skipping school today?" She smiles, nodding her head.

"And Mikey?"

She flips her hand in the air. "Well, he was pissed you didn't show up at the diner, so believe me, he will be talking to you about that." She lets out a chuckle. "But he had a test today and had to go back to school, poor sucker." She looks at Brian sternly. "So cut the small talk. How the fuck did you two meet? I mean this is too bizarre, walking in on my best friend and cousin making out."

Justin sits down next to Lindsay and lights a cigarette. "We met at school. Brian needed a light."

Brian picks up his guitar and tunes it as he listens to his friends catch up. Lindsay scrunches her brow and turns to Justin. "At school? I thought you were going to St. James? That's what your Mom told me."

Justin clears his throat. "Let's just say I was not allowed in school. They really did not like my choice of clothing very well."

Lindsay lets out a barrel laugh. "Oh God, don't tell me you wore your Sex Pistols shirt to school on the first day and happened to 'forget' your uniform."

Justin gives her a bright evil grin. "I hate those fucking uniforms."

She puts her arms around him, pulling him close as she caresses his blond hair. "How's your Mom doing?"

Justin pulls away and looks at her with a shocked expression. "Haven't you heard?"

"Heard what?"

"Mom just found out she's four months pregnant." He grimaces slightly.

Lindsay sits up straight. "No!"

He lays his head on Lindsay's lap and looks up at her twisting her hair, his voice shaking as he says, "I just can't believe she's going to bring an innocent child into this family. I hate it, but there's nothing I can do."

Brian puts down his guitar. He moves to sit next to Justin and puts a hand on the other boy's knee as he looks into his silver blue eyes. "Have you talked to her about it?"

Justin unconsciously puts his hand on Brian's. "She's too scared, so she pretends not to care."

"That is so fucked," Brian huffs.

"It is fucked," Justin agrees.

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Three hours later, Michael bursts through the abandoned home, angry at Brian. "Where the fuck were you? We had a test today."

Brian shrugs his shoulders, looking at his friend innocently as he puts his hand over his mouth, "Ooooops." He casually takes a hit from the joint before passing it to Justin. He smiles at his two friends laughing on the floor, then smirks at Michael. Wrapping his arm around his best friend, he coaxes, "Come on, Mikey; join the party."

Michael notices Justin for the first time and snarls at him, "Who the fuck is that?"

Brian holds his breath for a moment, deciding what to say.

Lindsay sees the hesitation and steps in. "Oh, this is my cousin Justin. He just moved here, so I was showing him around and gave him a key so he has a safe place."

Michael's eyes soften and he introduces himself.

Justin shakes his hand, playfully pulling him to the ground. He hands Michael the joint. "Brian tells me you play bass."

Michael beams from ear to ear. "Yeah, do you play?"

"Mmm, yeah, guitar"

"We should all jam sometime." Michael passes the joint back to Justin.

Taking a hit, Justin smiles at Michael. "That would be awesome."

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Brian's POV later

I can't seem to let go of Justin's silver blue eyes. As I lie back on my bed, smoking my cigarette a vision if him invades me. My cock hardens at just the thought of him and I moan from the pure agony of needing his sweet ass around my cock. I try to block out any sentiment with lust, stroking my cock to soothe my need. Putting out my cig, I grab the bottle of lube and put a small amount in my palm and slick it over my hard cock. Thrusting into my hand, I imagine his warm mouth engulfing me. Each thought of him makes me harder.

Licking my dry lips, I feel my balls tighten with each stroke. Massaging them gently, I slide a single finger into my tight ass; arching my back as my orgasm grows, throwing my head back, I thrust harder. Muffling my moans, I shoot my load. Lying back down on my bed, my breathing evens as I come down from the high of my orgasm.

There in the darkness, I feel so alone. I want him in my arms. A sensation falls over me as a hand strikes my face. I look around, expecting to see the drunken face of my father, but I see no one. I sit up. There is only the sound of my heart pounding. I feel it again, this time on my back. I sit on the edge of my bed, trying to catch my breath, feeling frantic and scared.

"What the fuck," I huff under my breath.

Then I hear Justin's voice scream out to me. I realize I'm feeling his pain. I don't know how, but it frightens me. Scrambling to my feet, I look at the clock. 1:30AM. Pulling on my clothes and shoes, I climb out the window and get into my car.

Pulling up to the dark house, my gut is in knots. Turning my flashlight on, I have a look around. Disappointed when I don't see him, I wonder if what I felt was real. Letting myself into the home, I turn on the lantern. It's cold and drafty. I grab a ton of blankets and wrap up on the sofa, hoping and waiting that he'll show.

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Justin's POV

I pull up in front of the home and smile as I see his car. All these emotions flood through my thoughts. I don't understand what I am feeling for Brian, but I don't want it to end. Getting out of the car, I feel the pain in my back where my father kicked me. My first thoughts were to call on Brian. I swear I felt him with me. I wasn't going to drive here, but I needed to know if my thoughts were true.

Walking into the cold drafty house, I feel the warmth of friendship. I smile as I see him curled up under a ton of blankets. Getting on my knees, I caress his hair and face, wanting so desperately to be one with him. I feel my adrenaline kick in, removing any pain. He leans in to my touch, his eyes fluttering open. He sits up. Holding my head gently with his strong hands, I see the worry in his eyes.

"Justin, are you ok, I, I ff..., " he begins to stutter, "I felt you were in trouble."

I nod, confirming now in my own mind that he was with me through my ordeal. I look deep into his eyes. Without a word, I lean in to kiss him passionately. He pulls me onto the sofa with him. Our tongues explore each other's taste, heat, need. I shiver into each kiss. His mouth moves to explore my neck.

"Oh God," I moan, pulling his body closer. "Brian, fuck, I need you inside me."

He looks into my soul so intensely are his eyes searching mine. Then he reaches for my hand. "Come on." He grabs the lantern, leading me to the back of the creaky house. As he opens a door, I see a queen size mattress and more blankets. Several of his personal items on the floor. I smile, knowing full well he is letting me into his world where not too many people are invited.

Brian places the lantern on a plastic crate, giving the room an eerie glow. Wrapping his hand around my neck, he leans down. I feel our souls become one as he kisses me with such passion. Pulling my shirt over my head, his hands are so warm on my trembling body. I unbutton his white silk shirt. Our bare skin electric in each other's touch, he runs his fingers down my spine, letting out a moan. His sensational fingers make their way to my pants, sliding them down carefully as he caresses my thighs. I step out of them as he leads me to the bed. I sit down and watch lustfully as he takes off his pants. I hunger desperately as I see his cock. Pulling him onto the bed with me, our kisses and strokes run rampant.

Gently he turns me on my stomach, tracing my spine with his tongue. I gasp for breath at the intensity of his touch. His tongue finds my tight hole. He moans with each lick.

"Oh God," I hear him breathe, "you taste so amazing." He dips deeply inside me as I gasp.

'"Brian, please fuck me!"

He turns me on my back. Reaching for the lube and condom, he kisses me once more before covering his cock with the condom. I feel his lubed fingers enter me. Lifting my legs over his shoulders, I whisper, "Be gentle, it's been a long time. I'm usually a top." I see his playful smirk roll on his lips.

"I know," he whispers, kissing me deeply, ridding me of any hesitation. "I'll be gentle."

I feel safe in his arms as he slowly works his way inside me and I can hear the animalistic groan that parts from my lips when he completely fills me. "Oh fuck forget gentle, fuck me hard, Brian."

I see a devilish twinkle in his eyes as he pounds me hard and deep until we both climax together, panting desperately.

After we climax, the reality of the moment really hits me and I am now dreading this moment. The not knowing how he will react, or how I will, for that matter. We live by the same code. No boyfriends, repeats or regrets. I want him more than anything in this pathetic world. I have known him less than twenty-four hours but I know we have a connection. I know he feels it too. I'm afraid this will scare him off.

I'm stunned when he does not try to get off me. I look into his eyes and see such passion. I feel him grow hard inside me again. He does not thrust or move, he just looks at me tenderly no words spoken. I'm concerned that if I say anything it will break the spell. He pulls out of me but doesn't move away to take off his condom; instead, he caresses my chest, kissing each burn mark. I shiver under his touch as he crawls up my body, until he reaches my ear. Nibbling on it, he whispers, and I am frozen by his confession. I look at him intensely, knowing now how much trust he has in me after such a short time.

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Brian's POV

I was so amazed after we fucked. I have never felt this way before, so safe, so secure; it frightens me to death. I want to run and hide but something keeps me here, lying on top of him. I feel myself harden while I'm still inside him, yet I have no urge to fuck him. I want him to fuck me. The thought scares the shit out of me. I decide right at this moment in time that I want him to be my first. I know he will be gentle and take his time.

I crawl up his body, kissing each scar. He reminds me so much of myself. I know that's why we are so connected. I hesitate for a moment, then nibble on his ear, whispering huskily, "I have always been a top, ever since I was fourteen. I have never bottomed. I want you to be my first."

He pulls back to look at me, seeking answers in my eyes. I see him blush, then he kisses my forehead. "Are you sure?"

And I know I have never been more sure of anything in my life. I just nod my head yes, afraid any word will backlash against me.

He rolls on top of me, watching me with great passion. He begins kissing me all over. I have to close my eyes to hide my emotion. The love he is shedding on me is so intense I want to leave. I have never felt like this before and I'm afraid to feel it. I sense that he notices my discomfort and he asks me to roll over. Thankful for the distraction, I roll over.

Lying on my stomach, I feel him kissing each scar on my back. I moan with each ministration as he kisses down my spine. I arch to receive every touch. Feeling him at my lower back, I melt into groans. He licks between my ass, spreading my cheeks. I have never felt this sensation, although I enjoy giving it. His tongue gently brushes my hole, my cock grows harder as I let out a throaty moan.

Justin turns me gently on my back and prepares me, inserting a very lubed finger, adding until I feel comfortable. I feel tears well up in my eyes, not from any pain but from the sensations. He lifts my legs over his shoulders and slowly guides himself inside. I feel a cold shiver run through my body and I cling to him, pulling him in deeper. I shiver in his arms while he is buried deep inside. For the first time, I let myself go, letting my damp tears wet his shoulder. He never questions or makes fun, he just holds me caressing my hair.

He whispers in my ear, "Are you ready?" All I can do is nod. He moves tenderly in and out of me. I am stunned. For the first time, I am making love. I just met him but I feel I have known him for centuries. It scares the shit out of me that I can't mask my feelings when I am around him.

After we climax, he takes off the condom, then holds me so close, covering us in blankets. He rubs my shoulders, trying to relax my still shaking body. I feel his warm breath next to my ear as he whispers, "I am going to fall in love with you. I don't expect you to love me back"

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Justin's POV

I lean against my car smoking, thinking of this morning. I see him standing on the diamond, next to the dugout. He avoids eye contact. I smirk to myself; I'm not upset. I know his game. Of all people, I understand the need for control in this pathetic life but I can't help the urge to challenge him. I walk forward to lean against the dugout. I look him up and down, enjoying the view. Curling my lips in a mischievous smile, I comment casually, "I saw you this morning, fucking the gym teacher."

His eyes slightly bulge, then he quickly masks any emotion, nonchalantly saying, "Oh?"

I give him a kiss on the cheek, and purr in to his ear, "It looked hot!"

As I walk away, I hear him call to me. I freeze in my tracks; turning, I wait to hear what he has to say. But he doesn't say another word. He just watches me. I walk back to him. I put my hand on his face and he leans into the touch. Looking deep into his soul and eyes, I tell him, "Usually it's me that leaves first thing in the morning, that night even."

His eyes are sharp as he glares with a passion I can see past; he's struggling with his emotion and fears. I brush his lips gently with my own and whisper for his ears only, "I meant what I said to you last night. I will never take it back."

I feel my voice shake on the words.

His hazel eyes soften. I can't stand this confusion, this want is all so new to me. As I walk away I hear him say under his breath, "I don't want you to take it back."

I feel a lump in my throat but I can't turn around. I continue to my car. As I am walking to it, I see Michael. After this morning, he is the last person I want to see. He has no idea that I overheard everything he said.

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Michael's POV

I'm not sure of my feeling towards Justin; all I know is Brian's the only one I have ever wanted. They didn't see me on the baseball field but I could see everything. My heart breaks. I'm so crushed. How could this have happened? My thoughts drift to earlier this morning, when my nightmare began.

I heard the phone ringing. Looking at the clock, I saw that it was only 5:30. I heard my mother through the thin walls. "Yes Mrs. Kinney, your son is here... no, he's never an inconvenience. I've told him he can stay any time.... ok, I'll tell him."

I sighed in relief. Pulling on my clothes, I ran down the stairs and kissed my mother on the cheek. "Thanks, Ma, for looking after Brian."

She smiled and patted my cheek, then handed me the keys to her car. "Just go make sure that little shit's ok, you hear me?"

On the drive, I was confused. Usually on a bad night, he would come through my window, especially in the winter. The old home was so drafty and cold. As I pulled up, I saw two cars, Brian and Justin's. Now things were beginning to become clear.

"Shit!" I grimaced to myself.

Walking in the house, I was more than a little pissed off. I tried to be quiet, curious as to what I would see when I entered. I went to the back. The door was open and I saw them in the shadows. I felt my heart breaking. Justin was spooned up behind Brian and was holding him so gently. Brian never let a trick into his world, into his mind. Not realizing it, I let out a small whimper.

Brian bolted upright. "Mikey?" He seemed a little dazed as he looked at me, then he saw Justin sleeping. He looked at both of us, seeming so stunned. Anger rose in me. I felt betrayed. I ran out of the house slamming the door.

I heard Brian following me. His voice was angry. He sounded perturbed, too. If I hadn't been so caught up in my own feelings, then, I would have paid more attention to that note of confusion in his voice. As it was, I didn't. He was wrapped in a blanket and yelling at me, "Mikey, stop!"

"Why? There's no need for me to be here. You seem fine and dandy to me, with your little trick."

"He's not a trick, Michael. His name's Justin."

I couldn't help but laugh. "Well, at least you know his name. Usually you don't give enough of a shit to find out. So if he is not a trick then what the fuck is he? We all know you don't do boyfriends. Does he know that little rule of yours? Shall I tell him you're only good for one night's worth of fucking?"

He got right in my face, fire in his eyes. He pushed me then, yelling, "Fuck you, Michael! I don't know what he is to me, plus it's none of your fucking business who he is to me. You have no right to say anything to him. I do know this, Michael. I am never going to fuck you so get over this fantasy you have of me."

I turned to walk away, but then looked back at him. "Oh, by the way, your mother called looking for you."

"Shit." I saw the concern in his eyes but at that point, I didn't give a shit. I got in ma's car, slamming the door hard, then flipped him off as I sped away.

Now at school, after watching them on the baseball field, all happy and kissing, I stand alone and watch Justin walking to his car. Suddenly, all the pain inside me changes to rage against him. I charge at him and get right in his face. He looks at me like he really doesn't give a shit as he lights his cigarette, blowing the smoke in my face.

"What the fuck do you want, Michael?"

I'm stunned. It's as though he knows what happened. So I have to ask, "Did Brian tell you?"

"Tell me what?"

"That we had an argument."

He gives me a knowing smirk. "That's my problem...why?" His eyes are ice cold. He lets out a mocking laugh. "You know, Michael, Brian is a big boy...and I mean a big boy," he says, tongue in cheek. "You have no control over what he does. Did he tell me about the fight? No, why would he? That's between you two. But I heard it all this morning while I was trying to sleep. If you don't mind a little unsolicited advice, since you seem to want to drag me into your problems with Brian, let me suggest this. If you want to keep him as a friend, you need to do as he says and let go of your fantasies, or you will lose him. I fucking promise you that. He needs a friend ... not a mother to tell him how to live his life. Or an unrequited lover bemoaning what he can't have; be happy for what he will give you. A real friend is a fucking rare commodity in this shitty world."

I am stunned by his words, then I notice the fading bruise on his cheek and I start to realize how much alike they are. I choke up my resentment and ask, "What are your plans for Brian?"

He gives me a deadpan look at first, then I see his eyes smile. He gets right in my face as he says, "I plan on loving him. He will push me away; I'm not blind to that fact. I know how he works. We go by the same code. But he's different to me. I love him."

He walks away, leaving me in shock.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Present day; Michael's POV

After the show, I find myself on a quest, looking for the young man who looks so much like Justin. I need to protect Brian. The hurt in his eyes takes me back to that dreadful night of Justin's death. Brian kept the bloodstained letter close to him for a long time. In fact, he may still keep it close.

With Justin, Brian was alive. For five months of his life, he seemed almost happy. After Justin's death, it was dreadful, seeing his pain. Many times, I thought he might take his own life. It hurt to know I could never have him. But it hurt even more to know Brian would never be the same.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Lindsay's POV 17 years ago

It's been an irritating day, the tension between my three men is about to drive me insane! Something big happened, I can see it but no one is saying anything. I want to go to Brian's and scream at the top of my lungs 'what the fuck is going on?!' As much as I love him he is so hardheaded, instead I find myself in front of Justin's home.

Jennifer opens the door swooping me in a big tearful embrace. I smile at her; she has always been my favorite aunt. I rub her belly making her giggle. The smile I have always loved appears on her face

"I see Justin told you."

"Of course he did; can't keep something like that away from me you know." I wink at her trying to be playful. She has such a hard life. It was not always this way, Craig was so loving and took wonderful care of her and the children. When he lost his job he just flipped. Living from Jennifer's money has sent him over the edge. I feel sorry for Justin; he had this perfect life until he was 14, now he is 17. I could not imagine such a drastic change in a short time. Jennifer's voice brings me back to reality.

"Justin's upstairs. Would you like to join us for dinner sweetie?"

I kiss her on the cheek "Thank you, I would love dinner."

Running up to Justin's room I stop next to his door. He's playing his guitar; his voice has become so haunted. I stand still, listening to the words. This is the only way I can really know what he is thinking. He has learned to hide his life so well.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Justin's song

Will you ever believe in me

when the dawn arrives

will your coffin close

Did I fail thee

I want your nerve in my desire

To plague my ever lasting

fall down on your knees in front of me

Take me to your ecstasy

Every thing dreams clear in my evening sun

day befalls me

Cover me in your black crystals

Every thought I have is of your dawning

Your awakening is the evening moon

caressing you with hidden needles

Don't take my dream away

sail away to the bloody oceans

fuck me into tomorrow

all is left is sorrow

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I have to admit his words confuse me more, usually they make things more clear but this is poetic and hidden. I'm disturbed by his words; what did he mean by hidden needles?

I try to put it aside as I burst open the door and pounce on him. Knocking him off the bed I hear him laughing the first laugh all day. "Geez Lindsay, you fucking bitch, I think I broke a nail." He grins bright as the sun then swats me playfully bringing me into a big hug. "You know I love you."

"Well, I'm glad you do cause if you didn't, I think I might cry." I play up the big fake tears until he is laughing harder. After we both stop goofing around I look him in the eyes. "So you gonna tell me what happened with my three favorite guys?"

I see him hesitate for a moment grabbing a cig. He lights it inhaling deeply. I can tell he is thinking. After letting out the smoke he looks at me with mist filled eyes. "Brian and I fucked last night."

"So? That was a given; you're both horny men." By the look he gives me I realize it was more than just a fuck. "You both know the rules, follow the same code; why are you so bothered by it?"

He slightly chokes on the smoke he is exhaling. "Let's just say all the rules went out the window Linds; for Brian and me both." I let out a gasp that makes him laugh; he smiles then continues, "This morning I was trying to sleep, but it was difficult to sleep because I was so content just holding Brian, with our bodies entwined. Michael walked in and they got into a huge argument outside. Michael said some really cruel things. He totally freaked out when Brian told him I was not a trick."

I was stunned. "Holy shit! This was more than just a fuck for you both?!" Lifting my hand to his cheek I rub gently with my thumb. I can see in his eyes that they shared something special. "I can tell something very tender went on between you two. Don't let Michael fuck it up." He just nods his head at me and smiles. "And Brian is a stubborn son of a bitch. I love him to pieces but if he is what you want you're going to have to fight for him."

His voice is sad. "I know; the fighting has already begun."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Brian's POV, the next day.

During Lunch I walk past the music room and hear Justin's haunted voice singing along with his guitar. I listen carefully to his words; can't help but realize it's about me. I am touched as I sit down on the floor and listen. I am struck suddenly by his words about hidden needles. I already know what it means; I saw the track marks the first day we met. It stunned me at first; he's so beautiful and to know he hurts himself in such a manner pains me. I am thrown off guard by my feelings. I understand his pain, I need him so badly. Justin is the only thing I have thought about since that night. He's going to fall and I hope I can be the one to catch him. I'm concerned I may fall with him. I'm not as strong as I come across. I'm flawed and in emotional pain most of the time.

I'm not sure what overtakes me when I stand up and shut the door, locking it behind me. I swoop up behind him and wrap my arms around his torso.

He lets out a chuckle as I tickle his side. His blue eyes look deep within mine. "I missed you he whispers."

I stop his words with a kiss.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Brian POV Present day

The Hotel bar was dark and quiet, a faint haze of smoke lingered as I enter. Ordering a double Jim Beam I sit down at the bar, planning on a long night. Tightly I grip the old letter in my hand. It is frayed and falling apart, stained with blood and dried tears, but I need it like life support. Having it near me is like he never died. Brushing my fingers over it before opening it, I have the words memorized. I read it again whispering under my tearful breath.

Justin's letter/ Poem

The drugs sedate me

My pain is translucent in your dream

Loosening consciousness in you

Don't lose me in the rush

My blood will flow from my veins

In you I will find shelter

Go into the heavens

You will watch over me

In my dream

In my fears

In my nightmares

You are always there.

Will you touch my porcelain skin

Cold and blue

Kiss my lips of death

I never meant to hurt you

Slain in my own obsession.

You were the only thing that made sense

Never wanting to leave you

Never wanting to stay in this hell

I am stuck in my own delusion

I hope you forgive me in the end

In our everlasting

In my dreams your kisses so sweet

In my death I know this is wrong

I have no other choice.

In a world that I am so hated

You were my only peace

Don't cry over me

I am always in your dreams

I will be back for you

You will know my spirit

We have always been connected

Don't lose the faith.

I saw no other choice

It was this or never in my world

So hopeless

You know my abuse you know my pain

You know my altered drug induced state

I hated hurting you, I kiss you in your sleep

My sweet I will always and forever be with you

Your forever,

Immortal beloved

Laying my head on the bar, I remember his touch, his face and my desire for him. After 17 years I have never forgiven myself. I knew in time he would end it. There was nothing I could do. Oh God, how could I have let it happen? Let him go so easy without a fight? I scream inside my mind, thoughts broken by my own anger. I hear a familiar tune that sends chills through my spine.

I walk through the bar in a daze. No one could know this song; we barred it when we lost Justin. I feel tears swelling in my eyes. I walk closer to the sound, dreading what I may see. That's when I see him smiling so brightly. He makes eye contact with me. It's startling, I see now it can't possibly be him. He's too young; about 17. I walk closer to him as he continues to play never skipping a beat. Sitting next to him he whispers in my ear, "You found me."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

17 years ago - one month later

The vibration of music echoes through the drafty home. Michael has a big grin on his face." Damn it, guys, we fucking sound awesome."

Lindsay sits at her drum set. "You know guys all we need now is a name, then maybe a gig?"

Brian lights up a joint. "How about Cock Suckers?" He flashes Lindsay a devilish grin.

She throws her drumsticks at him. "Hey! Hello? Lesbian here, how about Snatch?"

Brian looks at Lindsay raising a brow. "Oh that's just so wrong."

She gives him a wicked laugh and wink

Justin stares down his cousin "You trying to make me ill here?" He laughs sticking his tongue out at her. He takes a hit off Brian's joint. "Oh I know, how about Ass Lickers?"

Brian nibbles on Justin's neck and ear. "Mmm, I like that one"

Mikey shouts, "OH! OH! I got it!" He runs back to Brian's room grabbing an object then throwing it at Brian who catches it laughing.

"Oh, I love the way you think, Mikey. I think we got a name; Lube. That's only if it's ok with our dear lesbian?"

She nods her head grinning. "Hey, even I use lube; makes for a slick, smooth sensation."

Justin scrunches his face. "Ewww gross, Linds, I so do not want to hear about pussy right now."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Brian's POV later that evening

I have become accustomed to Justin's mood changes, his highs and lows that come from taking drugs. He still has not told me. He must feel ashamed. Something inside tells me there is more to the story. I get a sick feeling thinking about it.

He's wrapped tight in a blanket, his skin pale. He's shaking like a leaf. Lindsay goes to comfort him. She seems so confused about what's going on. Mikey gives me a knowing look. I can't betray Justin. I say nothing.

I scoop him up in my arms taking him in the back room. I feel the fever running through his body and he's dripping heavily with sweat. I lay him down on the bed and hold his shaking body; his teeth are slightly chattering. He looks deep into me. "Brian?"

I look back at him expectantly. "Yeah?"

Suddenly he looks away. I rub my hands on his track marks. "Justin I know, I have known since day one. When was the last time you used?"

He looks at me scared, his voice trembling. "You know?" I just nod my head. He turns his head away from me ashamed. I turn his head back to me.

"Justin, I only care about you getting better. Tell me how long its been since you used."

His voice quivers. "It's been 12 hours." He bolts up fidgeting.

Pulling him close to me I caress his hair. "Are you trying to quit? Is that why it's been 12 hours?

His eyes are so full of pain. "Brian, I want you to know I had no choice. I never planned on using. I've been trying to stop but as soon as I get stable it happens again."

His words seem odd to me. "Justin, tell me, how did you start? What brought you to this point?"

He stands up suddenly, pacing the room and rubbing his arms. As he becomes more and more antsy, he begins pulling at his hair. "Shit I can't do this!" he screams picking up his back pack and pulling out all its contents throwing them across the room. "Shit!" He scrambles quickly picking up all the contents. He grabs a small baggy of brown powder. Sitting on the floor, he begins rocking. He looks at the baggy for a while. I sit stunned not sure what to do. I can't stop him; he's in bad shape.

I hear him mutter under his breath, "I don't have time to shoot it; too much time." He prepares it quickly then snorts it. His body begins to relax. His eyes flutter as he tries to stay conscious.

Crawling next to him on the floor I hold him as the drug affects his body. Tears swell in my eyes. I can't stand seeing him hurt so much. "Justin, please tell me how you got to this point."

He smiles at me and reaches for me weakly, his face droopy from the drugs. "My dad came home 4 months ago and found out I was gay. He beat the fucking shit out of me. I woke up 8 hours later having withdrawals." He looks up at me tears in his eyes. "He shot me up with heroin, Brian, my own father, cause he did not want the police to know he beat up his faggot son."

I pull him so close to me hiding the tears trying to seep from my eyes. Rubbing his face gently, "That is so fucked up," I whisper in his ear. I caress his hair until he falls asleep.

Lindsay walks in the room cautiously; her face shows the fear she's feeling. Kneeling beside me she whispers, "Brian?" Her voice trembles, "I overheard." She crawls up close to me crying and clinging onto me tightly. We find comfort in each other. She gently runs her fingers through Justin's hair. "I can't believe my uncle could do this to him."

I feel the heat of anger penetrating my system. "He's a fucked up psycho. I thought my father was vicious but this man is pure vile and evil," I spit out in hatred. I see Michael standing in the doorway, the concern in his eyes. I know the two had a rough beginning but I truly feel he has begun to accept Justin in our lives. Michael walks over sitting on the other side of Justin rubbing his back. I see the mist forming in his eyes.

He looks at Lindsay and me. "You three are my friends, my family; I don't want to see anything happen to us. What can we do to help him?" He leans down kissing Justin on the forehead then looks at me. "Brian, I know I was a fucking asshole to you both. But now when I see you together I can't see you apart."

I brush my lips against Mikey's. "Thank you," I whisper. "The only thing we can do is be here for him, help him get clean." It's in his father's hands. We can't control what he does."

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