Solaced Tears

Chapter 9

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Justin's POV

After I bring Brian home I become even more concerned for my lover. He seems to be unaware of his surroundings. He walks into the kitchen and I am stunned when he reaches to the top of the refrigerator and grabs a coloring book and crayons. He smiles at me innocently and shrugs his shoulders. "I'm going to color now. If mommy asks for me I'm in the living room."

I am mystified and a little spooked. Carefully, I walk to him and place my hand on his shoulder. "Brian, are you okay?"

He sits down, crossing his legs, and places his finger against his lips. "Shhh, Brian is sleeping. Don't be too loud, we don't want to wake him yet." His eyes darken and he begins to speak again. "He's having a memory." I gasp at the pain reflecting in his innocent eyes.

I am drawn out of my thoughts when I hear a knock at the door. I am relieved to see Ruby, but she has a panicked expression on her face. "I just heard about Grandpa. Is Brian okay?"

It suddenly dawns on me that neither of us told her about Grandpa. I feel my emotions welling again as I speak. "Ruby, I am so sorry. So much has happened, and Brian has been having a difficult time, and I... I..."

She pulls me into a warm embrace. "Shhh, it's okay baby, please don't worry about not telling me. I'm only concerned about how Brian is doing." She draws back and gently wipes a stray lock of hair out of my eye. "And you, how are you, love?'

I choke back my emotions. "Honestly, I am very fucking scared for Brian. He is not himself."

She raises her brow at me. "How do you mean?" I step back so she can look at Brian, and I see the tears forming in her eyes. "My God!" She takes in a deep breath, then looks at me pointedly. "How long has he been like this?"

I shrug my shoulders. "About an hour or so. It happened while we were at the funeral home."

Ruby closes her eyes and I can tell she is to is trying to gather her thoughts. She takes a deep breath and opens them again, walking over to where Brian is sitting. Cautiously she kneels down next to him and delicately covers her hand over his, speaking softly. "Hi, sweetie."

Brian looks up at her with wide eyes. "Auntie Ruby?" He lifts his arms up like a child and wraps them around her in a big hug.

Ruby hugs him back and rocks him gently for a moment and then slowly pulls away from him, letting emotions dance in her eyes. "Is Brian sleeping?" He nods his head and she swallows hard. "Could you be a dear and wake him for me, so I can talk to him?"

Brian's face hardens and when he speaks his voice is harsh and cold. "Fuck off, Ruby!."

She nods her head, stands, and turns towards me with tears in her eyes.

I gulp, still stunned about the whole situation. All I can think to say is, "You knew?"

"Yes, I knew."

"How? I mean he thought it was a secret."

She touches my arm softly. "Not here."

I follow Ruby out to our small balcony and sit down on the bench, folding my hands and leaning my head down for a moment in deep thought.

When I look up she is leaning against the wall lighting a clove cigarette, then she takes a deep breath. She sighs heavily, releasing the smoke from her lungs, and her hand trembles slightly as she speaks with strong emotion. "I thought it was over. I really didn't think this was something that happened to him all the time. It makes sense though because of his fucked up childhood." She looks at me pointedly. "You're right, we're the only two who know. The only two he felt safe enough to let go and crawl within the confines of his own psyche." She takes in another deep breath, exhaling the smoke, and I can see the worry in her eyes. Then she speaks hesitantly. "Actually, there is one other person I think may know, but he is no longer in Brian's life."

I clear my throat and contemplate what to say, and finally decide to take the chance. "I don't think Sid knows exactly what Brian is going through."

Ruby looks at me dumbfounded as the blood drains from her face. "Brian told you about Sid?"

I shake me head. "No, he didn't have to. I met him today."

"Fuck! What the hell is he doing here? Why now?"

I shake my head, not really knowing the answer to that question. I stand up and walk over to her, take the cigarette from her hand and inhale deeply. I lean up against the wall next to her and hand the clove back to her, letting the smoke drift from my lungs. "I don't know why he is here, but I do know there is history there, I can see it between them." I then look at her pointedly. "What happened between them?"

She sighs heavily and shakes her head. "I don't know exactly. I mean I have my theories." She runs one of her hands through her long black hair. "Fuck! This is too much! It was the summer between our junior and senior years of high school. I barely saw Brian that summer. He spent all of his free time with his sister's friend, Sid. I had always suspected Brian was gay, but he never came out and told me. I honestly felt there was something between them." She looks at me and I can see tears forming in her eyes. "One night I heard a loud knock on my bedroom window. It was Brian, and he was totally freaking out. God, it was raining so heavily that night. I remember opening the window and he climbed through and just collapsed into my arms shaking violently. He was drenched and babbling, making absolutely no sense. I wrapped a blanket around him and lead him to sit down on the bed. Then he came around and told me that he had lost his virginity the night before, to Sid. And then the next day Sid told him that it hadn't meant anything, that it was just a fuck"

I feel my heart plummet at hearing that Brian was with somebody before me, but in my heart I already knew. I could see it in Sid's eyes when he looked at Brian today. I saw regret and pain, but hearing it tonight, having my thoughts confirmed, rips into my soul. I feel my heart starting to break. I place my face in my hands and feel the moistness of my tears against my palm.

Ruby tenderly rubs my back. "Oh, Sweetie, I'm so sorry."

I look up at her. "I thought I was his first."

She gently caresses my hair. "Oh Justin, you were. You have showed him more love than anyone ever could. Brian doesn't even remember that night with Sid. He doesn't remember coming to me."

I look up at her in confusion and see how this is also tearing her apart. She puts out her cigarette and plops down on the bench. "I was so scared for Brian that night. I helped him put on something dry and I held him most of the night. I knew that he needed to leave, that we needed to get out of town. Shit, we were only seventeen, but I had some cash and my own car, so I drove us cross country. God, our families were so pissed, but I couldn't let them see him like that. It was during that week we took off, that I saw these new personalities come out, and some of them frightened me. I mean really scared me."

I sit down next to her and gently lay my hand over hers in support. Ruby sighs heavily and holds her tears at bay, continuing to speak softly. "One afternoon Brian walked out of the hotel bathroom He was completely naked and I was stunned. He didn't even seem to give a fuck. He looked at me with a wicked glint in his eye and said, `See something you like?' I had never seen Brian so cocky before, and I knew something was not right. I just stood and watched in shock and confusion as he got dressed. When I asked him where he was going, he just said `out`. I followed him, or this person who looked like Brian, but acted like someone else. He went into a gay club and strutted up to the bar with so much bravado. I had never seen him so self assured before. He was unaware that I was standing next to him as he ordered a double shot of whisky, handing the bartender a fake ID. He downed the whisky without flinching, and that baffled me even more. He then looked at me and smirked. `Well, isn't this cozy. My babysitter came to watch me play.` He got right in my face and growled at me. `Fuck off!' Then he walked over to this really good looking guy, stuck his hand inside the waistband of the guy's pants and drug him to the back room of the club."

I feel my own emotions boiling over and I can't stifle a gasp from escaping my lips. With all of my heart and soul I don't want to believe what Ruby is telling me, yet I know it's true. Ruby lays her other hand over mine. "I'm so sorry, Justin. Maybe I shouldn't be telling you this. I'm just scared for Brian.and for you." A single tear rolls down her cheek. "I love you both so much. Brian has been like a brother to me for so many years."

My voice shakes when I speak "I want you to tell me everything. I need to know. God, I love him so much, Ruby. It just makes me ill knowing he has to go through this. He just fucking lost his grandfather and now this guy comes back into his life. I hate that I feel betrayed and I feel like Brian lied to me."

"Justin, he never lied to you."

I shake my head. "No, I know that, but it's just all so surreal, knowing that he has these other people living inside him. It hurts me to see him in so much pain. Please go on, I need to know what I will be facing."

She looks at me with so much concern. "Are you sure you want to hear the rest?"

"Yes," I reply weakly.

She clears her throat. "About twenty-five minutes later Brian walked out of the back room looking well fucked and sated. He strutted to the bar and ordered a beer. When I sat next to him he laughed and nodded his head. I will never forget how he treated me. He acted like we were just acquaintances and he says to me, `Your name's Ruby, isn't it?'. I was so angry and fed up at this point that I yelled at him. `You know perfectly well who I am, you fucking asshole!' He just leaned up against the bar with this wicked smirk on his face and what he said next confirmed that I was not talking to Brian anymore. He said, `Yeah, Brian tells me you're his best friend. Well, he is fine. You don't need to worry about him anymore. I'll take care of him from now on.' I just could not believe that this person looked like my friend but was totally someone different. There was no way I was leaving Brian alone to this guy. That was when I asked him who he was."

I am drawn into her story and even more frightened for my lover and what he is facing. "Who was he, or did he even answer?"

"Oh, he answered all right and he was an asshole about it too. He said, `My name's Damian. Now fuck off and run to your little hotel room.' He slammed his hand on the bar and growled at me `Brian doesn't need your pity and he doesn't need you. He has me, and I'll make sure he doesn't do anything stupid."

Ruby stood, lit another cigarette with shaky hands and then continued to tell me what happened that night. "I went back to our hotel room and I was so shaken, and there was no one I could turn to. Absolutely no one to talk to. At night he was Damian and in the day he was this little guy." She pointed to Brian, who still sat in the middle of the floor, coloring. "His name is Jimmy. He's a sweet kid, probably about four years old. I think he's Brian's innocence."

I sit watching Jimmy color, trying to wrap my mind around this new information. I know what Brian told me and I have seen it, but this goes beyond anything I could even begin to imagine. I can feel the tears filling my eyes as I look at my lover and then to Ruby. "Are they the only two you've met?"

She sits down next to me. "No, the last night we were there, a new personality came to me. Her name is Silvia. She told me that Brian was learning to find peace in his soul and the only way he could do so is by forgetting everything. She said that was why she and the others were there. She seems to be the one mostly in control. The others listen to her. She explained to me that Brian was deciding to make a new change in his life, that he was going to forget it all, turn his life around and become a youth pastor. He wanted to help the youth of the church because he knew many were troubled and would need someone understanding to listen to them. Silvia's last words to me were, `We are giving him back, but if he ever, and I mean ever, needs us, we are there for him. We have been with Brian since he was four years old, and we will be with him until he dies. He will remember us to some point, but we will take his memories into ourselves."

Ruby and I are pulled out of our conversation when we hear yelling and a cabinet door slamming loudly. We both look to see that Brian is no longer coloring. We run back inside the apartment to find an angry Brian desperately looking for something. "Brian, are you okay?"

He looks up and glares at me and Ruby. "Well, this is fucking great! It's the boyfriend and the baby sitter." He turns away from us and begins rummaging through the cabinets again, mumbling loudly to himself. "Doesn't Brian have some sort of hard liquor here? Vodka, Rum, whisky, Rubbing alcohol, anything?"

"I don't think rubbing alcohol is supposed to be digested," I say with a little sarcasm in my voice. Even though I am little fearful of the man before us, I have to admit there is a tiny part of me that finds him really sexy.

He laughs sardonically and smirks. "Is that so, Dr. Taylor?" He slams the cabinet and walks to the front door.

I am very afraid for him to leave. "Where are you going, Brian?"

He glares at me and bites out his reply. "Out."

He opens the door and slams it loudly behind him, leaving me to stand and stare helplessly.

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