Solaced Tears

Chapter 8

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Brian's POV

Once again I sense the change around me and swallowing hard, I let the past engulf me.

The scent of freshly mowed grass lingered in the summer evening air. I felt the breeze against my face as I ran across the high school football field. I looked over my shoulder and laughed when I saw Sid chasing after me. "No! You can't get me, old man!" I teased and ran faster.

Sid called after me, "Twenty-three's not old! You are such a brat, Brian Kinney!" He ran even faster, then leaped, tackling me to the ground. He blanketed my body protectively to take the brunt of the fall. Sid and I both groaned from the impact and then he rolled on top of me chuckling breathlessly. "Ha! Got you! Now do you still think I'm old?"

Quickly I turned the tables, flipping him on his back and pinning his wrists to the ground. "You definitely have stamina, but unfortunately we can't all be seventeen and vigorous." I smiled down at him mischievously, batting my lashes dramatically.

He squirmed underneath me, trying to get out of my grasp. "Why you…" he growled.

I laughed wholeheartedly, loosening my grip on him. Sid took advantage of my weak moment and flipped me onto my back. He raised a brow, smirking, then proceeded to roll us across the damp grass. I felt his warm breath caressing my cheek as he laughed and suddenly our bodies stopped. I gasped for breath when Sid's hand traced down my side. An odd expression crossed over his face, then he smiled roguishly and began tickling my side.

I tried to wiggle out of his hold but he was tickling me so much that I giggled like a fucking school girl. I grabbed his hand. "Sid, stop!" He shook his head. "Please?!"

Sid sat up and straddled my thighs, and for a brief moment I swore I could feel his erection against me. He smiled sweetly. "Well, since you said the magic word I guess I have to stop."

"Thank you." I laid my head back, gasping for breath. I looked up into Sid's eyes and swallowed heavily when I saw the intensity gleaming within the windows of his soul.

Sid stared down at me, deep in thought. He gently brushed his fingers up my arms and my body tingled under his feather light touches. My breath hitched, and I knew more than anything in this world that I wanted him. In fact I needed Sid to be my first, but I was so fucking scared and I wondered if Sid desired me like I did him. All of the signs were there, but I was still not a hundred percent sure, nor was I sure if I was ready to take this step. To admit to myself that I liked men.

Sid slowly blanketed his body over mine as he interlinked our fingers and his warm breath danced erotically against my skin. It burned through me like wild fire. My heart quickened as he sensually blew on my flesh, never actually touching me with his lips. So many emotions were whirling within my mind as I fought my demons. I knew the church would look down upon me, yet Sid's touch felt so right. I thought of everything that had happened between us in the last couple months. He had changed my way of thinking and the world around me.

I still couldn't get his tearful eyes out of my head when he told me about his mother's suicide three months ago. He was so lost and confused. To this day he's still not sure why she took her own life, but he'd told me on many occasions that he wondered if was because of him being gay.

I could not imagine a mother taking her own life because of her son's choices. I understood why he felt that way, though, since he came out to her only a week before her death. In my heart I knew the real reason. She simply wasn't stable. She had been in and out of mental institutions since he was a young child. Sid was never really raised by his mother. It was his Aunt and Uncle who took him in. Although they could have cared less and made him live in the garage. My heart ached when I thought of his life. I have had it bad, but he did too.

I had watched Sid fall into a deeper and deeper depression as he blamed himself for his mother's death. The only thing that got him through it was our friendship. I knew with every fiber of my being that I needed to show him that he is loved, but I was not sure how to.

I was drawn out of my thoughts when I heard Sid clear his throat and I realized we were no longer alone. I looked across the field and saw another couple making out. "Come on, let's get out of here and find somewhere more secluded," he whispered to me. I nodded my head as he took hold of my hand and lead me to his car.

My heart picked up speed as Sid gently rubbed my thigh. I looked over to him and he smirked. I saw a wild hunger in his eyes when he looked into mine. His chest rose and fell rapidly and he gulped, turning his attention back to the road. I was so nervous as I watched the highway speeding past us. Suddenly he pulled off onto a desolate road into the middle of nowhere. He pulled the car onto a dirt road and drove a ways before parking and turning off the engine.

Sid turned to me and gently wrapped his hand around the back of my neck, drawing our faces together. When he looked at me I saw confusion settling in his eyes. His breath stung my skin and I wanted him to kiss me, but for some reason he didn't. Sid pulled away and then patted my knee. "Come on, let's go look at the stars. Living in LA, I barely ever get to see a clear sky."

Sid walked to the back of his car. Popping the trunk he took out a bottle of whisky and winked at me. He opened the bottle and took a swig, then handed me the bottle and winked again. This had become a routine with us. I noticed that every time things seemed to get too much for him, he took out the bottle. I smiled at him and drank from the bottle, feeling the harsh fluid run down my throat. The more I drank with him the more I realized I enjoyed the taste and how it made me feel. It helped me to forget my pain.

Sid held out his hand to me and I took it. He led me to the front of the car and then climbed up on the hood, helping me up with him. He leaned against the windshield, guiding me down to sit in between his spread legs. I sighed as he wrapped his arms around my waist and leaned his head on my shoulders. "I'm so glad you're here with me, Brian. You have helped me through so much crap. Thank you."

When I turned around, I saw the moisture in his eyes. I softly caressed my thumb under his lashes swiping the tear away. "Sid, we're friends. I would do anything for you. You know that, right?"

He nodded his head and I could feel him becoming distant from me. "Yeah, I know," he muttered.

An unsettling silence fell in the air and I was startled, but relieved when I felt Sid's hands kneading my shoulders. God, I loved his touch. This was not the first time he had rubbed my shoulders, but this time the intensity was different. He moved his hand lower and I began to relax into his touch. Delicately, he massaged small circles on my sore muscles, then pressed forcefully, releasing the pain. I gasped from the sting that ceased quickly.

Sid pulled me close when I jerked slightly from the pain, and whispered huskily in my ear. "Does it feel good?'

My breath quickened. "Yeah, but it also hurts a little."

He brushed the side of his head against my cheek. "I know. You have a lot of tension in your back." I nodded my head. "Do you want me to keep going?" he asked soothingly and I nodded my head again. Sensually, he caressed his hands down my arms and spoke softly in my ear. "I'm going to release a lot of the tension you have built up, but if I touch you in a way you don't like, tell me ok, and I'll stop."

I nodded, but I was scared because I knew what he wanted. I could feel his erection pressing firmly against my ass and it's what I wanted too. I just wasn't sure if I was ready. He continued his ministrations on my back and then slowly made his way back up to my shoulders. He moved one hand to the front of my shoulder blade and the other to the back of it, pressing firmly. I let my body melt into his touch as he slowly continued massaging, lowering his hand down my chest and back. My breath hitched when his thumb brushed my nipple through the material of my shirt. I was startled when a low groan escaped from my lips.

Sid leaned into my ear. "Do you want me to stop?"

I shook my head. "No, I'm fine. It feels nice."

"Good, now why don't we take off your shirt? I can massage your back better that way."

"Okay," I replied weakly, removing my shirt. I gasped when his hot hand touched my bare flesh and everything inside me began to boil in passion. He brushed his thumb across my nipple again and I let out another soft moan. He slowly glided his hand to my belly button, circling his fingers around the opening. He breathed lightly on my neck and I shivered in pleasure, tilting my neck to the side, hoping he would understand my silent request. Softly he nibbled on my neck, just below my ear, and dipped his finger inside my belly button. His moan of yearning went directly to my cock. He kissed my cheek and then brushed his bristly cheek against my sensitive flesh. Sid moved his hand to the waist of my jeans and carefully brushed his fingertips through my pubic hair. Instinctively I reached behind me, wrapping my hand around the back of his neck and arching back into him. I gasped when his finger lightly touched my dick again. Suddenly, reality hit me and I was so scared of what was to come. I moved my other hand to still his hand.

"Sid, please stop. I'm not ready," I gasped out desperately. His movements instantly ceased and he was quiet for a moment as he held me close. I was scared he hated me or was mad that I stopped him. "Sid, I'm sorry, so sorry. I'm just so scared. I've never done this before and I'm not sure if this is what I want. I mean I do, but I… I don't know."

He cleared his throat. "Brian, it's okay, don't worry. I don't want you to do anything you're not ready to do, okay?"

"Okay," I replied weakly.

"Now move forward a bit. I need to have a smoke, do you mind?"

"No, not at all. Be my guest." He got up and climbed off the car to stand.

He laughed huskily. "Good, because I need to cool down a bit and if I'm touching you there is no way I could stop myself again. You're pretty hot, Brian Kinney."

I felt a blush spread across my cheeks. "Thank you, I think."

"You're very welcome." He lit a cigarette, inhaling deeply, and letting out the smoke. He handed the cig to me, then grabbed the bottle of whisky, taking another swig. I took a drag and handed the cigarette back, exchanging it for the whisky. Part of me was sad that I asked him to stop touching me. I wanted him to take control and ravage me, but I understood his respect for me. He knew of my past and some of the things I had endured. I gulped heavily from the bottle like it was water. All I wanted was to forget my past and my stupidity for not going for what I really wanted.

I felt Sid remove the bottle from my hands. "Take it easy there, cowboy. You'll make yourself sick."

"I don't care."

He smirked and took another swig. "Well I do care, so take it easy, okay?"

"Okay."

The warm liquid coursed through my body and I felt myself become more at ease. Sid smiled at me and exhaled his smoke, looking up into the night sky. "It's so beautiful out here."

"You're so beautiful," I said softly, surprising myself.

He smiled. "No, I'm ugly. I know that, Brian, but thank you for the compliment."

Unconsciously I reached out to him, wrapping my fingers into the waistband of his jeans and pulled him close. Sid stumbled slightly and gasped. "Brian, what are you doing?"

I shrugged my shoulders, confused by my own actions, but I couldn't stop myself. It was like I wasn't even in control. I felt a confidence inside myself that I had not felt in a long time. I stood up and took the cigarette from his hand, took a drag, then put it out.

Sid looked at me in awe as I wrapped my hand around the back of his neck, guiding him down for our lips to meet. I hungrily devoured his lips with mine in a heated passion I had never felt before. Sid moaned into my mouth, then embedded his fingers into the back of my neck, sliding his tongue into my mouth. I moaned as the tip of his tongue traced over my teeth then rubbed the roof of my mouth.

I ran my hands over his chest and down to his waist, moving them under his shirt. I let my fingertips brush his flesh as I pulled the material over his head. Sid groaned and smiled at me. "I thought you weren't ready."

I bit my lower lip and smiled sheepishly. "I changed my mind."

His eyes sparkled in the moonlight and he tenderly caressed his fingers over my cheek. "Are you sure?"

Sid's eyes were piercing into my soul and for a split second I hesitated and averted my eyes from his. He cupped my chin to look at him. "Brian, if you're not ready, I already said it's fine." Affectionately he rested his forehead against mine. "You don't have to do anything you don't want to. Remember you have a safe place in me."

His warm breath caressed my face and I inhaled deeply, taking in his essence. "I know. That's why I trust you so much. I know you won't hurt me. I want you to be my first."

Sid swallowed hard. "I don't want to hurt you , but I can't promise that I won't. This is going to change everything between us."

Delicately I traced my fingers over his lips. "I'm willing to take that risk."

Sid crashed his lips over mine and I felt like he was transporting me to a new world with his touch and flicks. His hot, moist tongue sent shivers up and down my spine as he entered my mouth. I moaned, feeling his hand glide down my back and massage my butt.

Suddenly an urgent need overtook me and I grasped my hands around his back, trying to draw him even closer to me, embedding my fingers into his flesh. His hands roamed my body with just as much passion.

We pulled apart, slightly gasping for breath and Sid reached into his pocket handing me a condom and a very small packet of lube. I looked down at the objects in shock and stuttered. "W…wh…what do you want me to do with these?"

Sid raised a brow at me and chuckled as he pointed to the objects. "Well, that's a condom and it goes on your dick." Then he pointed to the lube. "That's lube. You put it in my hole so your cock can slide in better."

I shook my head in disbelief and laughed nervously. "I know what they are and what they're used for. I just don't understand why um…that um..." I cleared my throat, finding it difficult to form my words. "I just um well, you know. I thought you would be fucking me, not the other way around." Nervously, I put the objects in my pocket for when we would need them.

Sid smirked at me, gliding his hand down my chest. I stifled a breath and then shuddered when his hand moved lower. He looked me directly in the eyes and unbuttoned my jeans. I gasped when he reached his hand in my pants and massaged my cock through my underwear. I smiled at him when I felt myself becoming even harder.

Sid groaned then bit his lower lip. "You have a fucking amazing cock, Brian. I would be stupid to pass it up."

Sid reached his hand inside my boxers. "Oh God!" I cried out when I felt his flesh against mine.

He leaned over, kissing me again and I melted into his touch. Anxiously, I reached over and unbuttoned Sid's pants. He stopped kissing me for a moment, making me confused by the anxiety I see in his eyes. He swallowed hard and stopped my hand. "Brian, shit, normally I would not even talk about this or even care, but I want you to enjoy this. The reason why I would rather you fuck me is because my cock is nothing compared to yours. I am half your size, but I happen to have a great tight ass," he smirked.

I pushed him playfully. "Do you also know how to break the mood?" Placing my hands upon his hips I pulled his pelvis closer to mine, grinding our cocks together. "Lucky for you I'm a horny teenager; who, by the way, does not give a shit about your cock size. Do you really think I would be that shallow?" I smirked then brought him into a passionate kiss.

Sid drew back panting and delicately caressed my face. "You're anything but shallow." He leaned down and kissed me again fervently, leaving all thoughts of our conversation behind us.

My body ached to be closer to Sid. I had never wanted anyone more than I did right then. Even though I had absolutely no idea what I was doing. I felt my body taking matters into its own hands. Confidently I broke our kiss, spinning Sid to face the car. He panted heavily, gasping, "Oh fuck!"

Gradually I reached my hand inside his briefs and grabbed hold of his dick firmly. Sid arched back into me, sighing in contentment. As I stroked his manhood I instantly noticed the girth of his cock and felt myself becoming more aroused. I sensually kissed his neck and trailed my tongue just below his ear, nibbling gently. Sid reached his arm back, wrapping his hand around the back of my neck as his body quivered. "Brian, if you don't fuck me now, I might explode," he choked out breathlessly.

I gradually lowered his pants down, opening the tube of lube. I put a generous amount on my fingers and glided my hand in between his cheeks. My hand shook and I wondered if he sensed how nervous I really was.

Almost on cue, Sid turned his head and captured my lips with his. As he slipped his tongue into my mouth his warm breath sent sparks through my body. He spoke huskily. "Brian, you're doing fine, but you're thinking too much. Just feel it, and let it happen."

Lightly, I brushed the side of my other hand down his back. I smiled when I saw him shiver in pleasure. I circled my finger around his hole, carefully pressing one finger inside, and my breath became ragged when I was engulfed by his warmth. I gently added another finger and slid them in and out of him deliciously. I was amazed by the sounds that were coming from his lips.

I spoke softly in his ear. "God, you feel so amazing." I tenderly trailed kisses up his back, nibbling and licking his sensitive flesh. Sid groaned in ecstasy and I lowered my own pants and put on the condom, smearing more lube around my cock. I gulped heavily, still not believing I was about to lose my virginity to someone I cared deeply for. Carefully I guided my cock into his warmth and at first I wondered how my dick would fit inside him. I placed one hand on his shoulder and the other on his hips, taking great care not to hurt him.

Sid thrust his hips back, pulling me deep inside him quickly. "Oh, Fuck!" he gasped. "Oh God, Fuck!" he groaned and I was concerned when I heard an undertone of pain in his voice.

"Are you okay?"

He breathed heavily and then chuckled breathlessly. "Yeah, I'm fine. You're fucking huge."

"Did I hurt you?"

He turned his head and kissed me, thrusting his tongue into my mouth. After a moment he pulled away. "It always hurts a little. That's a part of it. Just give me a moment to adjust to your size."

When I felt him press his ass against my cock I slowly began to thrust. I tilted my head back and closed my eyes, savoring the sensations Sid was causing to flow through me. I continued to thrust with my hands firmly planted on Sid's hips. Our bodies began to move rhythmically together as our moans and cries of passion drifted to each other's ears. I took hold of Sid's cock and stroked him in time with our thrusts. I couldn't ever remember feeling anything like this before. It was so fucking amazing. My body shook and I called out his name when we came spontaneously. I smiled when I heard my name on Sid's lips and felt his hot liquid flow over my hand.

My body slumped over Sid and I was finally able to bring all of my emotions together. I shook slightly, realizing all that had happened after all these months of getting to know Sid and secretly falling in love with him. Our relationship had taken a turn and part of me was so fucking terrified because I knew how Sid felt about relationships. But right there, right then, it was so right. Closing my eyes tightly I felt the moistness surfacing and I was unable to prevent my tears from seeping onto his sweaty skin.

I heard Sid underneath me with concern in his voice. "Brian, are you okay?"

I buried my head into his back, not wanting him to see all of the feelings I had for him. I feared they would not be returned. Finally, I drew back and gulped heavily. "Yeah, I'm fine." I pulled out, taking off my condom and tossing it on the ground.

Sid turned around and I could see the perplexity in his eyes. I also saw the turmoil and satisfaction of everything that had just happened between us. Gently he wrapped his strong, massive arms around me. "Brian. Shit, you're shaking." He placed his hand on my forehead. "And you're cold and clammy. Come on, let's go back to my hotel room and warm you up."

I looked over at the whisky bottle on the ground and was concerned about Sid driving. "Why don't we stay here for a while since we've both been drinking."

Sid placed his forehead on mine. "Okay, but only for a little bit." He placed small kisses on my temple, then trailed more sensual kisses along my face and jaw line, finally capturing my lips in a fervent kiss. I felt myself becoming hard again and I noticed I was not the only one sporting a hard on. Sid sniggered and removed his pants completely then handed me another condom. I put it on and we were facing each other when I entered him this time. Sid took my breath away as I saw the passion gleaming in his eyes and when we made love it was even more satisfying than before. I felt more confidant in what I was doing and what to expect. Sid held onto me tightly, wrapping his leg around my waist as I thrust into him. His cries of ecstasy echoed throughout my soul and I watched as his body quivered in pleasure when we both reached our climax.

When I tried to pull out, Sid pressed his hand on my back firmly. "No, don't go, not yet. " He choked back his emotions and I was surprised when I saw love radiating from his eyes. "I wanted to savor this moment," he panted heavily and pulled me into another kiss. He released my lips and gasped. "God Brian, that was fucking hot. You're a natural. You're going to make a lot of men happy."

I was suddenly so fucking scared. I reached my hand to his face and tenderly caressed his cheek, looking directly into his eyes. "There is only one man I want to make happy and that's you."

Sid pulled away and I saw him distancing himself from me. He pushed me away slightly and put his pants back on. "We should be heading back."

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Sid's POV

As I lie on the hotel bed I am glad I decided not to stay at Claire's tonight. So many emotions have stirred inside me since seeing Brian this afternoon. I wonder why I pushed him away like I did so many years ago, but I know I had to. I just wish I had not hurt him so much. I can see the conflict inside Brian. He doesn't seem to know if he should like me or despise me. It hurts to see the confusion and blankness in his hazel orbs. My heart aches when I think of that night and how I could have done things differently. I have never given myself as freely as I did that night with him, and no matter how much I tell myself it was just a fuck, I know it was more. It will always be more when it comes to Brian. I knew it then, as I do now, that it can't ever be. Especially now, I have my life with Patricia and I know it would devastate her if I left. She told me she was afraid of losing me when I told her why I was traveling back to Pittsburgh. She knows of my past with Brian or lack thereof.

Patricia and my relationship are not traditional by any means. Nothing about it is sexual, other than the blowjobs she gives me from time to time because she feels obligated to. Our relationship is out of convenience, so neither of us is alone. At least we have each other in this fucked up world.

Lighting a joint I inhale deeply letting the Marijuana absorb into my lungs. I tilt my head, back releasing the smoke. My chest hurts and I wonder if it is really my chest or if it's my heart breaking into a million pieces. I know everything happened for a reason and I can't regret any of this, yet I do. As I sink my head onto the pillow my mind drifts to the past. The pain in Brian's eyes is so fresh in my thoughts.

I woke up the next morning in my hotel room with Brian spooned up against me. Our bodies were sticky and smelled of sex. I was completely conflicted about everything that had transpired between us. I was not sure what to do. Part of me wanted to drag him into the shower, let him fuck me, tell him I loved him and ask him to be with me forever. But the other part of me knew this was a fuck and only a fuck. Nothing had changed or should change between us. I knew that was a lie; everything had changed. I was not deserving of love. Even my own mother did not want me.

Brian pressed his body against mine as he tried to hold me and kiss me, but I pushed him away. I knew it would hurt him, but I couldn't lead him on any longer. But he did not seem to get the hint. I became more frustrated with him, even though it was so amazing to be held in his strong arms instead of fighting it. I responded to his touch, knowing it would make it more difficult when I had to talk to him. I knew I could never be what he wanted me to be, no matter how desperately I may have craved it. We spent the whole day together and several times I tried to talk to him, but I could not bring myself to do it.

After Dinner, the family settled down to watch a movie. I nudged Brian's side and he looked at me and nodded. I walked out back to have a cigarette and he followed behind me shortly after. He grabbed a clove from his back pocket and lit it. I never understood his desire for those nasty things. They are too sweet for me, but he seems to love them.

I nodded my head at him and he smiled, leaning forward to kiss me with deep desire. I found myself responding to his touch and I had to break the kiss before I was drawn under his spell. "Brian, we need to talk. Why don't we go for a walk?"

"Okay," he replied nervously. He reached for my hand and I pulled it away, not wanting to lead him on anymore than I already had.

Brian swallowed hard and in the corner of my eye I could see how hurt he was by me pulling away. "Sid, what's wrong? Did I do something to upset you?"

I ignored his question and continued to walk, leading us down the dark street. "Brian, I want you to know how proud I am of you. You have really grown up into your own man. I know it hasn't been easy living with your mom, or sister for that matter."

Brian touched my arm and made me look at him. "Sid, please stop. I don't care about that right now. I want to know why you're pulling away from me."

I took another drag from my cigarette and gestured between us. "This thing between you and me; it's not what you think, Brian. We are not a couple and I am not your boyfriend."

I see Brian physically begin to dissolve. "But Sid we, we…we made love I felt it between us, I know you felt it too."

I huffed out a laugh . "Brian, we did not make love." I swallowed hard before I continued. "We fucked, Brian, that is all we did and that is all it can be. I am not your boyfriend. We will never be married or have the kind of relationship you want. But I can be your fuck buddy; make you feel good from time to time, but it can never be anything more than that."

Devastation in his innocent face and suddenly there was a fiery hatred burning from his eyes. "Are you trying to tell me what we had meant nothing to you, Sid?" He raised his voice at me.

I gently touched his arm. "No, Brian, that's not what I am saying. It meant something, only because it was you, but it was still only a fuck."

Brian jerked his arm away. He glared at me and the bitterness in his voice dripped like lead. "You fucking asshole. I gave myself to you! You were my first! I loved you! I mean, I love you." Brian ran his hand through his hair. "I can't believe I fell for your shit. God, I should have known! I should have not let myself fall like that. I know better." He shook his head then his jaw tightened. "You Goddamn fucking son of a bitch! Making me care about you. I hate you! I never want to see you again!" he shouted. Out of frustration and desperation he began to pound my chest with his fist. I tried to stop him, but I couldn't. His fists were only bruising my skin, but his words were torturing my heart. I tried to stop him by holding him close.

He pulled out of my grasp. "Don't you dare fucking hold me." He pushed me away hard and stormed past me. I watched as he got in his car and drove away. I never saw him again after that until today.

I am pulled out of my past when I hear knocking on the door. I look at the clock to see it is midnight. Who the fuck could be here at this ungodly hour?

I am surprised to open the door and find Brian standing there, confident and sure of himself; unlike this afternoon. He smirks at me and holds up a whisky bottle tipping it in my direction. "How about a drink between old fuck buddies?" He laughs sardonically and there is a wild glimmer in his eyes. Brian takes a swig from the bottle and walks in the room with all the confidence in the world.

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