Solaced Tears

Chapter 7

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Brian's POV

I stand up rather calmly considering the surge of anger rushing through my blood. I contemplate Sid's question and his obscure view of the situation for a moment. A wicked smirk crosses my lips as Damien steps in for a moment. He doesn't completely take over, but we are walking side by side. Swiftly I lean down with my face only inches from Sid's.

I speak to him in a mordant tone. "That is some scenario you've cooked up. And here I thought I was crazy!" Without hesitation I snatch the butterfly knife from his hand. I make sure it is clasped shut then put it in my pocket.

Sid looks dumbfounded and I can see the pain and confusion clouding his eyes. He gently touches my hand. "Brian, I don't think you're crazy. I'm just concerned about you. I know you're going through a difficult time. No matter what, I am here for you. Remember that okay?"

I nod my head in acknowledgment. Sid has never been know for his subtleties. Part of me wants to be angry at him and tell him to fuck off, yet there is another part of me that wants to hold him close and try to remember those lost moments. I squeeze his hand "I'll remember that, and thank you."

When I turn away from Sid my sister is walking towards me with tears in her eyes. "Brian, gather the boys. It's time to pick out Grandfather's coffin.."

I am thankful when the boys come running to me as soon as I call them. I'm not sure how much more of this situation my emotions can handle. I open the door and hold it so everyone can go inside.

I stand lost in thought, trying with all of my heart to hold strong, but now all I can see is grandfather laying in a coffin, dirt being shoveled over him as the earth swallows him whole. My head feels light with all these disturbing images in my mind. I sway slightly trying to hold strong but I can't. My resolve is caving in. God, I miss him so much already. I wish I had done things differently; talked to him more, gone to see him every day. Now I will never, ever talk to him or see him again. The tears brim in my eyes, threatening to fall. I am startled when I feel a gentle hand touch my shoulder. Part of me wonders if it's Sid and all I want to do is scream and tell him to fuck off.

I turn around and am amazed to see my lover's striking sapphire blue eyes staring back at me. Without hesitation I wrap my arms around Justin, bringing him in close so I can feel his heart beating next to mine, reminding me I'm not dead, but very much alive. I sigh out a breath realizing how much I have needed him today.  I let my body relax into his. "How did you know I needed you?" I whisper huskily in his ear.

Justin looks up at me lovingly, caressing a stray hair away from my eyes. "I just knew." He reaches up and kisses me softly on the lips. "Are you okay?" I stare at him blankly and notice the sadness clouding his blue orbs. "Of course you're not okay. God, I can be so stupid sometimes." He wraps his arms around me even tighter and delicately brushes his fingers over my neck and scalp while he speaks softly in my ear. "I love you so much, Brian."

Gasping for breath I cling to my lover, letting my emotions flow freely. I am stunned when I notice Justin's body quivering against mine as he speaks shakily. "I hate that you're going through all this now. It's just too much." He pulls back and his eyes are moist with tears. "No matter what your family tells you Brian, you're a good person and your grandfather loved you more than anything in this godforsaken world. He saw you for who you are. He loved you for that fact alone and no matter what you have been telling yourself, he loved you. He had faith in you."

I close my eyes, letting my lover's words soak into my soul. I rest my head upon Justin's shoulder and whisper, "I am so fucking scared, Justin.. I don't even know who I am anymore. I have no control over my fragments."

Justin draws back lifting my chin with his fingertips. "Brian, what happened?" he asks with concern in his voice.

I swallow hard. "Damien." I shake my head and whisper; "I would rather not talk about it now."

Justin kisses me softly on the lips. "When you want to talk to me about it, you can." He looks deep into my soul and speaks encouragingly to me. "We will get through this together, okay?"

I smile at him weakly. "Okay." I wonder how he can be so understanding about my condition.

Justin takes hold of my hands gently and looks deep within my eyes. "Do you want to go home?"

I clear my throat. "I want to, yes, but I can't. I need to help them pick out a coffin."

He nods his head in understanding. "Okay, but you're not facing your family without me. Got it?"

I chuckle softly. "Yeah, I got it."

Justin and I walk down the hallway to the casket showroom. I sigh a breath of relief when he rests his hand upon my lower back, offering his love and support. I try not to gasp in horror, seeing all the coffins displayed systematically throughout the large room. I think of how many people have been in here before me and I wonder how they must have felt, being reminded of their loved one's death. I feel like the walls are laughing at me mockingly. "Here, buy a pretty box to put your loved one's remains in." It's all a bitter turmoil of love and loss. And, of course money gain for these assholes taking advantage of our grief and pain.

I find myself becoming angry with this place and everyone around me. My body aches to be away from here and my tears threaten to flood over. All I want to do is run from the room screaming, but I can't. I need to be here for the family, even though they have never been there for me.

Honestly I don't care what the coffin looks like. I just want grandfather back. It all seems like such nonsense to put a family through all this turmoil. I look over all the coffins and my heart aches when I see one small enough for an infant. I feel my body begin to shake and I'm not sure why such a small box has affected me so much.

Justin squeezes my hand and whispers in my ear. "He had a long good life, Brian." His voice begins to sound unsteady. "I know that doesn't help much. I know you miss him. I do too and I barely even knew him." Justin turns me to face him and softly traces his fingers over my lips. "I love you."

I rest my forehead on his and whisper; "I love you too, and thank you for not listening to me and knowing I needed you here with me."

Suddenly I feel eyes on us and hear my sister clear her throat. "Brian, I think this is inappropriate, don't you?" She turns and looks to Sid for support.

Sid gives me an apologetic look and then growls at Claire. "Leave him alone, Claire. He wasn't doing anything wrong. You should be thankful he has a loving partner who is here with him now." Sid looks back at me and there is something in his eyes that seems so familiar to me; desire, love, commitment? I'm not sure, but he is being very protective of me. I shake off the feeling but I can tell Sid has a lot on is mind and I wonder what he is thinking.

Justin speaks softly. "Wow, who's the bear?"

I can help but chuckle quietly at his analogy. "His name is Sid. He's my sister's best friend."

Justin nods his head and I can see in his eyes that he knows there is much more to the story. I'm thankful he is letting it rest for the time being. I wander if he saw what I saw from Sid.

I hear the man who has been helping our family pick out the coffin. His voice is distant in my mind as he tells us about each coffin. He leads us to one that is oak. The lid is raised and on the inside there is a small plaque of an eagle with the American flag behind it. My mother is in awe since Grandfather was a war vet.

To me it is all too final. Inside the coffin is a small open drawer. The man explains that it is for keepsakes if the family wants to write a letter and put it in with grandfather. Or the kids can draw pictures and put them in. My mind is spinning. What the hell does everyone think will happen? That grandfather will just wake up and think; 'hey, I might read some letters since I am dead and all.' My emotions steam inside me because this is all a fucking money scheme.

My mother picks out the coffin without asking for any of our input. Thank God we were all here to help her. I roll my eyes and slowly make my way out of the room. I feel like the walls around me are beginning to close in. Everyone's voices sound high pitched and distorted in my ears. Quickly I make my way out the of the funeral home and I don't even check to see if Justin is with me. The door opens and the fresh air hits me, making me gasp for breath.

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Justin's POV

I glance over at Brian and notice how pale he is becoming. I'm instantly worried when he lets go of my hand and hastily bolts out the door. My heart clinches and I can only imagine the type of pain my lover is in. As I follow after him I hear footsteps behind me, but I don't turn around to see who it is. I watch as Brian opens the door, gasping for air. His sorrow penetrates through my soul. Brian's body sways and I swiftly grab a hold of him before he falls. I am startled when I feel another set of arms bracing both of us.

Quickly, I look up to see the man called Sid and I'm confused by the affectionate, yet pained expression on his face. Sid helps me to sit Brian down on the steps and we both sit on either side of him. Brian lays his head on my shoulder and sighs softly. I hold him close and feel him quivering in my arms. I'm at a loss for words on how to comfort my lover. He seems unaware of what is going around him

Sid turns to me. "What's going on with him?"

I'm surprised by his brashness and I find myself becoming defensive. "It's pretty obvious don't you think?" I spit at him.

Sid shakes his head. "No, actually it's not! He's not himself and he's forgotten some things from his past. I know he is going through a difficult time, but that doesn't explain his lapses in time, or forgetting important events from the past."

I blow out a breath of indignation, trying to comprehend the idiocy and completely bad timing of his crude remarks. "Since I don't know you, I definitely am unaware of your past, but no matter what he has forgotten there must be a reason for it. And right here, right now, would not be the best place to remind him of it. Brian is going through a very difficult time." I feel my love grasp tightly to my arm and I gently caress his hair. He relaxes immediately, closing his eyes.

Sid takes out a cigarette and lights it. "You love him, don't you?"

I kiss Brian on the forehead and he moans, letting a small smile spread upon his lips. "Yes I do. More than anything in this world."

Sid clears his throat and looks at Brian with so much passion in his eyes. "I just don't want to see him hurt. He's been hurt enough already." He gently caresses Brian's arm and I wonder what Sid thinks Brian has forgotten from his past. My heart aches when the reality of the situation dawns on me. I look deep into Sid's soul and I see the love he holds for Brian .

"I would never purposely hurt Brian. I love him."

Sid Smiles at me. "Good, that's all I needed to hear."

Brian stirs slightly and lifts his head. He smiles at me and brushes my cheek gently. "Hey."

Delicately I place my hand over his, kissing him chastely on the lips. "Hey. Are you feeling any better?"

He nods his head dramatically. "Yep, I'm okay. Can we go home now?" The tone of his voice is almost childlike.

I draw back looking into my lover's hazel eyes. I feel a pain in my heart when I see a set of hazel eyes looking at me that I have never seen before. They are Brian's but the spirit inside them is different. "Yeah, we can go home," I reply encouragingly as my heart sinks on the inside.

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