Solaced Tears

Chapter 5

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Brian's POV

Walking in to the funeral home I am completely on edge concerning Sid's last statement.. Could I have blocked out something from that summer? With the uprise of chattering in my mind leads me to believe my intuition is correct, why the fuck can't I remember anything? Taking a deep breath I promise myself to talk to Sid when things have calmed down, for the time being I need to take care of things for grandpa's funeral.

A young woman at the front counter leads me to an office where my family is making arrangements.. I can tell my sister is about on the verge of sanity as her two boys are running wild around the room.

As I enter the room she looks at me and a sighs a breath of relief. "Thank goodness you're here, Brian, now you can take the boy out side so I can help mother with the arrangements."

I shake my head in disbelief by her assumption that I am here to baby-sit especially after all the obscure things she and other have accused me of this last week, just because I happen to like cock instead of pussy. I cringe at the thought and look at her pointedly. " Excuse me? I am here to help mother with the funeral arrangements.."

I hear mother clear her throat. " Brian." she replies sternly. " Claire is helping me, now you go and take the Peter and John out side. They are being nuisances.."

I look over to Russell whom is smirking at me scornfully, all I can think about is the harm he tried to cause to Justin and it takes everything in side me not to punch him..

"You have to be fucking kidding me after all the things you have accused me of you expect me to watch the kids?  I can just imagine the things you will be saying behind my back now.?"

My mother glares at me, " Brian do not speak to us with that kind of language it is distasteful in the eyes of God."

I turn abruptly and walk out of the room, I can hear the two boys following behind me. I look down when I feel a small hand in mine. I look down at my youngest nephew Peter and I'm shocked when he smiles at me affectionately. " I'm sorry Uncle Brian we did not mean to upset you."

I clear my throat. "It's not you who upset me."

I see him think for a moment then he shakes his head. "Then how come you did not want to watch us?"

I stop and kneel down on the floor to try an explain things to him the best that I can. Peter has always been kind of a son to me, both boys have been really since Claire's husband left her. I took them under wing. They are roily children especially John, but Peter he has potential he is my favorite. Even if I do call him a brat he is a very loving child.

I take both of his hands in mine shaking them gently. "I don't mind watching you Peter. The family have said some very mean things to hurt me. I am just very angry they assumed I was just going to do what they told me too."

He gulps heavily. "Does this have to do with you being a fag?" he asks innocently.

I shake my head and try to hold back my emotion and speak to him softly. "Please do not say such words they can be very hurtful. I know that's what the family is calling me and even I may say it out of anger, for it looks like their words don't hurt me but their words do hurt me right in my heart and soul.."

He seems to squirm for a moment looking at the ground then back up at me." Uncle Bri what is a.. .Well that word I am not suppose to say."

"It's a mean word people call men who happen to like men in a..." I hesitate on the correct word to use that may help him to understand. "In a romantic way."

He smiles at me. "Oh ok, I get it you want a boyfriend instead of a girlfriend."

I hear a disgusted hiss coming from behind me I turn my head and look up to see my oldest nephew who's glairing at me. "Don't lie to him. You disgusting faggot! I can't believe you where once a pastor I bet all those rumors I have heard are all true. Well, I won't allow you to do that to us. Pervert!"

Angrily John takes hold takes of Peter's hand, dragging him away. Peter look back at me confused as he is pulled away forcefully. I close my eyes trying to blink back my tears. I feel a hand gently squeeze my shoulder and I can hear Sid's Voice. " Wow, Claire has divinely raised a fucking shit head of a son. What a brat!"

Chuckling softly I wipe away my fallen tears. "He could have been your son you know."

I hear Sid huff out a laugh. "Maybe at one time, but I would not let him get away with being such a punk."

"No you would not, that's for sure." When I look up I am instantly drawn in to Sid's intense brown eyes, He extends his hand to me and I take it standing up.

I see a sadness cloud his eyes. " Brian, even though I may have loved your sister or thought I love your sister at one time I could never have been with her." I look at him skeptically he seems confused. He clears his throat. "She was not my type." I know I must seem shocked by his comment, Sid chuckles softly and leans in to my ear. "She did not have the right equipment. I like cock." I can feel his warm breath upon my ear and it send shiver though my spine, Shaking my head I try to rid of that feeling again.

I am drawn out of my thoughts hearing his gravelly tone. "Everything alright?'

I nod my head appreciating how Sid always seems to get directly to the point. Clearing my throat I look at the man before me, quickly I let go of his hand trying to rid the feeling of familiarity I get with just a touch. I am happy with Justin, I love him, but mostly I am scared of everything I know and that has happened. I notice Sid is staring at me pointedly. I shake my head slightly. "Oh um yeah I'm alright, I mean I will be okay." I reply nervously

He looks down at me and smiles. " You know they were never deserving of you. " Sid winks at me then walks past me, out the door.

I am left standing in the Lobby thinking of Sid. I have often wondered if he knows how my family talks about him behind his back. I have listen to them in the past on countless occasions about is size, he's big guy . On Claire's Wedding I know he was jealous I always felt he had feeling for my sister but he was proud and took pictures for her. My mother and sister laughed at his expense. I remember my mom laughing, " Thump, thump, thump, here comes Sid." I remembering being young yet it pissed me off. I have always liked Sid. He has his own way of living.. He has had a hard life he basically raised himself. Sid does not take anyone shit from anyone. He can be cruel yet kind on the other hand at time.

I wish I knew what happened with out friendship But I know in my heart he is someone to have on my side even now and I feel myself wanting to forgive him and give him a second chance.

I walk outside to check on the boys. When I step out the door Peter runs up to me smiling.. "I don't care what anyone says, I love you Uncle Brian and if you like men that's ok with me. I like Bobby Thompson."

I chuckle softly. "Thank you kiddo." I ruffle his hair with my fingers.. "When you turn 13 and you still like Bobby just know you can come talk to me ok. "

He grins widely. "Ok."

I watch as Peter runs across the lawn playfully attacking is brother. I can smell the faint sent of cigarette smoke drifting to my nose. I hear Sid huff out a laugh. " So they sent you to brat sit, I am not fucking surprised. When all else fails, when they don't know how to cope or deal with the kids. Let's call upon Brian." He says sarcastically.

"Yeah it is interesting. Isn't it especially since they all think I am some form of child molester; just because I happen to like to suck cock, fucking assholes."

Sid snickers. "Well now, that's the Brian I got to know that last summer we had together." He walks up behind me wrapping his arm around me snuggly. I feel myself swaying in to his embrace. Then he whispers in my ear. " If memory serves me right you were pretty good at it too."

I am startled by his word knowing in my heart and soul Justin is the only one I have been with or have even felt comfortable enough to be with. Quickly I pull out of his embrace and turn to him hastily. "What the fuck are you talking about?! I have never … Fuck" I run my finger through my hair not knowing exactly what to say. "I have not been with any one except for Justin. How could you say such a thing to me. And especially now on the day of my Grandfathers death and at the funeral home for God sake!" I feel my body begin to tremble and a fear of anxiety rushes through me.

Sid steps back. "Brian I'm sorry I..." He cocks his head looking at me quizzically he shakes his head in disbelief. "God you really don't remember do you? I thought maybe you where just denying it; but shit, you really don't seem to know." He puts out his cigarette and runs his finger through his wavy brown hair. "I know I treated you like shit after; by saying it was just a fuck. I want you to know even though it was only sex it still ment something Brian, because it was with you."

I clear my throat feeing so much confusion rushing through me. For some reason in my heart I know what he is saying to me true but I won't allow my mind to believe it. I can hear Damien snaky tone in my mind, he's talking to Sid , yet nothing he is saying is clear enough for me to hear.

I am pulled out of my thoughts to hear my cell phone ringing. I pick it up and answer it abruptly. "What!"

"Brian?" I feel my heart clenching tight when I hear Justin voice." Brian are you ok?'

"Hi sunshine," I respond softly. "I'm glad you called I really needed to hear your voice right now."

I can hear the concern in is voice. "Do you need me to come over there? I know Debbie will let me off shift, she already said I should not be here today."

I close my eyes tightly pinching the bridge of my nose. "No it's ok. I will see you when we both get home. I was hoping you could help me forget this day," I say seductively.

" Yeah I think I can help you with that." I smile at the thought.

"I should let you go Brian so you can get back to helping with the arrangements."

"Oh I'm not helping with the funeral arrangement," I reply dryly.

I can hear the shock in his voice. "What!?"

" I am apparently not needed to do so. So here I am watching Claire's fucking kids."

"You got to be shitting me?"

"Wish I was sunshine, wish I was." I glance over to the boys and I see John trying to coax Peter into climbing a tree. Peter shakes his head no but John keeps pressuring him. Suddenly I get an extremely uncomfortable feeling. "Justin I got to go the boys are up to no good

There is disappointment in his voice. "Ok Bri. I love you and call me if you need me ok."

"Will do, I love you too."

When I turn off the phone, I hear Peter begin to cry. "No, no, no your lying that's not true." He covers his ears and begins to sing Jesus' loves the little Children, really loud.

Quickly I make my way to the boys, speaking sternly! " John what is going on?"

He snarls at me. "Wouldn't you like to know?"

"John, your brother is upset what the fuck happened?"

"I told him the truth," he replies smugly

My blood begins to boil I sense my own anger trying to consume me. "The truth about what?"

John lets out a wicked laugh and glares at me. "I told him Grandpa's dead because you killed him."

I look down at Peter then back at John with fury. The world around me begins to move swiftly, my head is light headed. Suddenly everything around me turns white then fades to black.

Muffled cries break through my silence I feel myself rocking gently and I notice I am sitting on the ground with Peter clinging on to me tightly. Looking over to John his eyes are wide; his face is drained of all it's color and he looks extremely frightened.

Peter whispers softly over and over. "Thank you , thank you Uncle Brian, thank you for protecting me from John."

I have an uneasy sensation cross over me and I wonder how I got on the ground. It is as though time went on but I am aware of nothing that has gotten me to this point.

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