Solaced Tears

Chapter 4

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Six month earlier

Brian's POV

I look across the table at my mother and cousin, whose words seem to go right past me. I feel completely insensitive to their grief, and I wonder how I am going to survive this.. I try to ignore the insults they fling at me, but still they rip in to my gut..

In their eyes I am not human anymore but some form of pawn for Satan. I can hear Damien in the depths of my mind, but I try to keep his snarky chattering in the back of my mind. As much as I would like him to take over and to tell them off I am afraid of losing myself.

Finally I snap back to reality when we say our goodbyes. I am told, not asked, that I'm expected to help with the funeral arrangements, which I had already intended to do. I sigh a breath of relief at the thought of being away from my family for a couple of hours.

I sit in my car and lay my head against the steering wheel, and for the first time since I arrived at the restaurant let go of my emotions. I can hear Silvia trying to comfort me with the sound of her piano, and I am lost for a moment as the haunting music floods through me.

I look up and open my eyes, staring at her as she sits at her black grand piano. A gray, dreary mist forms around her and within the mist I can feel my loved ones who have passed on. I wonder how that can be. How can they be with me now? I look over to the gravel and notice a dead tree begin to blossom mystically into a green mass of fertility and life. I can see my Grandparents in their youth as they kiss tenderly, then turn to me smiling, and then vanish with the wind. I feel lighter of heart, yet it is difficult to know I have lost them both.

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Justin's POV

I wake up in a fright and pat Brian's side of the bed, but the sheets are cold and empty. Quickly I turn on the lights and scan the room gasping for breath when my chest tightens in fear. I get up and make my way frantically through the apartment only to find Brian gone.

I go to the phone hoping there is a message on the machine, shaking my head in confusion when there is none. Where the fuck can he be? Instantly I think of his grandfather and a feeling of deep sadness overcomes me. I pick up the phone, dial the hospital, and ask to be transferred to Orville's room. Deep dread consumes my heart and soul. The head nurse picks up the phone and introduces herself and I immediately ask about the condition of Orville and to speak with his grandson if he happens to be there.

She apologizes that she is not able to give out the patient's condition over the phone but his grandson and family have left the hospital and it would be best to talk to them. I slam the phone down in aggravation, wanting to be there for Brian. "Fuck!"

My heart goes out to my lover who I know must be in an extremely agitated state of being. Without anyone actually saying it I already know the fate of his grandfather. I feel my own emotions washing over me and I wish I knew where he was now. I begin to nervously pace the floor, wondering why he didn't wake me. Sitting down on the sofa I lay my head on my hand, feeling my tears seeping into my palms as I worry for my lover and his emotional state of being. I watch the clock as the minutes seem to pass into hours.

I stand up again and begin to pace the living room. I sigh out a breath of relief when I hear keys jiggling in the door. I watch as Brian opens the door he looks to be in a state of despair. Quickly I rush to his side and he falls limply into my arms. I can feel my own tears misting my eyes as Brian cries out in anguish as if he's been holding in his grief for a while.

Carefully I help my lover to our bed and Brian sits on the edge lethargically. I hold him up and undress him carefully. I tenderly caress his arms and guide him to lie down on the bed next to me. His body instinctively spoons next to mine seeking comfort.. I try to protect him the best I can from the cruel world I know he will be facing later in the day.

I gently brush my lover's hair with my fingertips and Brian whimpers slightly with each stroke. I can feel his tears damp on chest as he draws deeper into our connection.. He lets out a loud sigh and then sits up, rubbing his eyes. I am concerned when I see his body shaking. He looks over to me and his eyes are bloodshot as he speaks in a hushed tone. "Grandpa's gone."

I try to hold back my own tears as I embrace him. Even though I knew in my heart Orville had passed away, hearing it makes it seem real for the first time. I barely knew Orville yet I already felt a wonderful connection with him and I can feel the loss my lover is dealing with. I know I need to do everything possible to help Brian no matter how difficult things may become for him. I make a silent oath to myself to stick by his side through thick and thin

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Brian's POV

At the Funeral Home

Stepping out of my car I feel a wave of anxiety wash over me. I take out a clove cigarette and light it as I walk closer to the building. The reality of why I am here rips into my gut. My grandfather is gone and now I feel so lost. Justin asked to come with me today, but I told him I needed to do this alone.

I lean against the cool bricks of the building and it chills through my bones as I close my eyes, lean my head back, and exhale the smoke. I prepare myself to go inside and face my family. My throat feels dry and my hands begin to sweat. So much has changed in the last week. I am so dazed it is difficult for me to comprehend that I am standing at this point now. The only thing that offers any form of serenity in my life right now is Justin. I feel a smile break through my sadness when I think of him.

I am pulled out of my thoughts when I hear someone one clear their throat and lean up against the wall next to me. Hesitantly I turn my head and open my eyes expecting to see one of my family members. A gasp escapes my lips when I turn to see a ghost from my past. It's my sister's best friend from childhood. I tilt my head to look at the man who is taller and broader than me. I feel my heart begin to race "Sid?" I ask in shock.

He laughs huskily and embraces me into his massive arms. I wrap my arms around his back and for some odd reason I feel at ease. I look up and realize he is still holding me, wiping away the tears I did not realize I had shed. He caresses them away tenderly. "How are you holding up?" he softly caresses his hands down my arms and I feel an old familiar spark rush through me. I pull back in confusion, not understanding the sensation I am feeling from him and instantly I think of Justin and the love we share.

I shake my head in confusion. The last time I remember seeing Sid we were becoming close friends and then all of a sudden he was gone with no good bye. It really hurt to lose a friend I felt so close too and I realize I'm still angry at him. "Yeah I'm fine," I shake my head slightly trying to hold back my emotions. "So what the fuck brought you here?" My voice sounds almost annoyed as I try to hold back the rest of the tears that are trying to escape me

I watch as he lights a cigarette and inhales deeply. He leans up against the wall and looks in my direction. "Maybe this was not the best idea to come out here. I can leave if you want me to. I understand why I might not be welcomed by you."

He begins to walk away and I feel exasperated. "You didn't answer my question," I reply harshly.

Sid lets out a sigh and then turns back to me. "Claire called me the day you came out to the church. She was so upset and all I could think about was you. I was hoping we could put our differences aside and I could be a friend to you right now. I'm sorry to hear of your grandfathers passing/ I was at your sister's last night when she received the call."

I raise my brow at him, still feeling slightly indifferent, yet part of me only wanted to be held by him. I am so confused by my conflict and my need for his closeness. "I just don't understand. Why now; after all these years, Sid?" I swallow back the emotions I feel welling up within my chest. "You have never cared to see me all the other times you were in town. I haven't seen you since I was seventeen."

Sid moves towards me, closing the gap between us. He softly touches my cheek and speaks softly, I shiver under his touch. "Brian, I know I hurt you in the past but I never meant to. I know how much you've been hurt by your family and other things in your life. One of the reasons I never said goodbye was that I felt you didn't need to be hurt anymore by my lack of commitment. I didn't want to make the situation worse for you. I never came to see you after that…well, because quite frankly I thought you didn't want anything to do with me after how everything was left between us."

I feel even more perplexed as I move away from his touch. Apparently we are remembering things very differently. Nothing he is saying is making any sense to me. It is like he's talking to someone that I don't even know, but he seems so sure of what he is saying to me. I feel completely frustrated so I tell him what I know. "Sid, you abandoned me! I came to say good bye to you and you had gone without even seeing me. I thought we were friends. Friends don't treat friends that way and now you want to come back into my life, for what? To heal my wounds? Well fuck you!"

I begin to walk away but he firmly takes hold of my hand. "I'm here because I understand what you're going through. "

I huff out a laugh and reply sarcastically. "You understand what's it like to be a faggot? To hide your whole life, then finally be set free and then within that same week lose the one person who meant the whole world to you?"

I can see tears welling in his brown eyes. Then he whispers, "You don't remember that summer do you Brian?"

"I'm not in the mood for this, Sid. If you don't mind I need to go help take care of my Grandfather's funeral arrangements."

I pull free from his grasp, trying to comprehend everything he is saying yet it still doesn't make makes sense. In my mind chaos is breaking out and I try to push it aside. I'm really not in the mood to deal with Silvia, Damian or anyone else who may lurk in there.

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