Solaced Tears

Chapter 3

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Brian's POV

Seldom are we aware of the deep despair we are in until it seems almost too late. I think of all I have done in these last 6 months and so much of it seems unforgivable. Looking at Justin seated across the floor from me I wonder how he did it. How he was able to stay with me all these months, through my infidelity, grief and alcoholism.. Justin's eyes twinkle as he smiles at me. I can't believe how lucky I am to have him in my life; especially now when I need him the most.

Justin leans forward feeding me the lemon chicken from his plate and I smile back at him.. When he kisses me gently I moan as I feel his tongue enter my mouth. Desperately my hand seeks his face needing to know this is real; that he is by my side. Tears glisten on my cheeks and I gasp deepening the kiss, not wanting to let him go. Slowly I kiss him all over his lips, cheeks and nose urgently wanting to be as close and safe as I can be. I pull him to me tightly intensifying the kiss to a point that it is hard to breathe, but I can't let go of my life line; my only hope.

Justin pulls away slightly, breathing heavily, and his eyes are full of concern. "Brian ,are you okay? What just happened?"

I feel the warmth of my cheeks blushing. "How can you love me knowing what I have done; who I've have been with? I can't forgive myself; how can you?"

He swallows heavily, "Brian please don't bring this up now." He caresses my cheek and smiles wearily at me. "You have so much to heal one step at a time." I see him trying to hold back the whimper threatening to escape his lips. "Brian, I love you," he chokes out. "I love you more than anything. I was not faithful in my past, so who am I to judge you? Brian you have been through so much. You lost a grandfather who was more like a father to you, your job, and the rest of your family. You've lost so much and I wonder how you can forgive me for taking it all away from you."

I raise my brows in shock, "What!?" I watch him intensely for a moment. "Are you fucking kidding me? You did not take anything away from me!" I stand up and reach my hand to help him up as well. I pull him into a passionate embrace, caressing his hair and back as I whisper in his ear. "You have given me everything." I lean my forehead upon his, "It is not your fault I had trouble with my own insecurities. Those came from many years of being torn down by the ones who claimed they loved me."

Justin draws back looking me directly in the eyes. "They are so blind to the fact you are simply beautiful. You are a jewel; a diamond in the rough." He reaches up kissing me tenderly, then taking my hand in his, he smiles shyly then turns to walk toward the bedroom.

I raise my brow; "Where are you going?"

He blushes slightly and gives me a toothy grin. "I thought I would show you how much I love you."

"I like the sound of that," I whisper in his ear.

Justin closes the door firmly behind us locking it soundly and I laugh remembering the morning my mother almost walked in on us. "No one has a key anymore, sunshine.." I wrap my hands around the back of his neck.

Justin chuckles, "Better to be safe then have a limp dick due to an unwanted guest."

I look up at him and chuckle. Suddenly I am breathlessly taken aback by this amazing man in front of me. I feel scared because this is the first time we have made love in a long time. I try to hold back my tears remembering how many times I took him for granted and imagined he was someone else just because I was ashamed of my own actions.

A single tear trickles down, resting on my lips and Justin wipes it away carefully as he guides me to the bed. He walks away from me and winks. He moves to light several candles, turning off the overhead light, letting the candles illuminate the room. Justin's eyes are filled with desire and longing as he takes off his shirt letting a golden haze dance across his chest from the flickering flames. He walks over to the stereo turning on a Loreena Mckennitt CD. I let the Celtic music flood through my heart and soul, trying with every ounce of my being to hold back my emotions.

Justin walks back over to me and leaning down, captures my lips in an amazing kiss. I scoot up further in the bed and he crawls on top of me, straddling my thighs. My heart pounds rhythmically with passion and Justin places his hand over it and kisses me affectionately.

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Justin's POV

Looking into Brian's hazel orbs, sadness overwhelms me and I want with all my heart for him to forget his mistakes. I want to show him I hold nothing against him, but inside I am still breaking. All I can see is him with Sidney. The man's name always rolls across my thoughts and tongue like venomous vapors.. I have to keep reminding myself that it was not Brian, but Damien who had the sordid affair. I lean down and capture his lips with mine as the tears swell in my eyes knowing what my lover has been through. Would I be able to be any stronger if I lost someone who meant so much to me? I let out a gasp when he deepens our kiss.

For the first time in months I know this is Brian who is with me and I want to jump for joy. I need him so desperately. I long for him to feel all my emotions and my deep need to help him heal. Fervently I kiss him, unbuttoning his shirt, a whimper leaving my lips when he unexpectedly places his hand on my heart. He sits up holding me tight and I wrap my legs around is hips.

Brian's eyes meet mine and I notice the red puffiness and the look of pure remorse in them. "Oh God Justin," he lays his head in the crook of my neck breathily heavily. "I'm so sorry." He trembles in my arms, his warm body pressed firmly against mine. My own tears begin to flow as I hold him even tighter, wanting him to forget all of his burdens. I wish I could forgive him as easily as he thinks I do.

Every time I look at him I see them; Damien, Silvia, and the others who remain nameless.. I see all the ways they use his body; for only their own gain and pleasure.

When Brian pulls away I see him so clearly. There is not even a slight hint that the others exist at all in this moment. I am so bewildered. Where do they go when he is of sound mind? Brian rolls away from me turning on his side and shivering.. I move close to him spooning up behind him. Brian whimpers and then cries out in animalistic pain. "Oh God!" he screams into the nothingness..

Concentrating on my lover's temperament I realize the others are not gone at all. Only knitted into every fiber of his soul connecting and linking every memory, every thought, making all his fragments and himself exist at once all in unison. Each fragment truly a piece of himself. I hold him close listening to his screams of inner turmoil, wishing I could take away all his pain.

Brian shivers within my arms and I hear his teeth chattering. Gently I rub his back pressing my body closer to his, and then cover us with a warm blanket.

"Justin," he whispers tentatively. "How can you love me? How can you want me?" His voice sounds so timid and scared.

Running my fingers through his silky chestnut hair I ponder the question in my own mind.. I close my eyes and breathe in his essence, and speak from my heart. "You know that feeling you get when you're in between sleep and consciousness; that moment of truth and realization? He nods his head and I continue. "You are my truth and realization. That's why I love you and that is why I need you. You make me look into myself and question the world around me. You strengthen me and you bring me hope. You are my faith and you are my foundation.." I hear Brian sigh and start to relax and I gently caress his neck and arms with my fingertips. "Life is not easy Brian. We've had a rough start but I see beyond that. I am learning to forgive myself and to forgive you. I can't say I will never forget, but I don't love you any less. In fact I love you even more. I know if we can get through this we can make it through anything.

Brian turns his head and kisses me softly. "Justin, I am so sorry."

Caressing his face I look into his sorrowful eyes. "Shh, no need to apologize. I've fucked up too. I should never have let things get so out of hand. I was so fucking scared when I saw you drinking or acting out to numb your pain, all I could see was myself. I've been there Brian. I know what that feels like, the feeling of not feeling and wanting to feel anything even if it is just being numb. I love you Brian. "

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Brian's POV

Justin's reassuring words and warm breath against my skin burn through my soul.. I can't get over how he feels about me. He shows me so much love and understanding. I know I drive him crazy asking the same questions over and over again, but I can't comprehend how he can love someone like me. I know I hurt him almost every time I speak. I know I hurt him again just mentioning the episode with Sid. I saw the pain evident in his sapphire blue orbs.

This is my way of forgetting the most painful memories, focusing on something that hurts, just not to the extreme. I know I can't handle the extreme. I never mean to hurt Justin; I just always seem to say the wrong thing. I just want to forget the night my grandfather passed away.

Writing the journal has only invoked more pain and I can only hope this is the road to recovery. Once again I am trying to skirt around the pain of my grandfather's death. Now I wonder how any one can love a joke like me? That is all I know I am. I have always been the one everyone laughed at or made fun of growing up.. I know I am different; maybe if I embraced who I was when I was younger I would be able to accept who I am now.

I can feel Justin's tender kisses on my shoulder blades and rolling over I look directly in to his eyes. I gently touch his cheek. "Justin, I know I sound like a broken record but I have to know." I need to know. I have to hear it again like a lifeline. I long for his words. "What do you love about me?"

He throws back his head slightly and laughs lightly. "Fishing for compliments?"

Looking down I try to avoid his eyes. "You're right, I'm sorry, I just…"

Justin cups my chin gently so I have to look at him. "Stop it, you hear me?" His tone is stern yet loving, "You are just as worthy of love as anyone else in this wretched world. I love you for your mind and your humor; for your talent in putting words together. I love that you take risks, I love that you are being truthful to who you are. I love that you see your faults and you are trying to correct them. I love that you love me and you are trying to better yourself. I think you are one of the most captivating individuals I have ever met, and I love how you make me feel. I want you to be able to see that you are my beginning and my end."

I nod my head feeling the tears running down my face as I lean over kissing him with all the passion I can muster. "I love you," I breathe out in hushed breaths through our zealous kisses. "I love you." I cling to him desperately again and he tightens his grip on me. "Justin," I whisper huskily. "I need you inside me. I need to feel everything you just told me."

Justin has concern in his eyes. "Brian, are you sure?"

I draw back looking directly into his soul seeing all the love and all the pain. Everything I feel inside myself, and I know he is the other part of me. "I've never been surer of anything. It's been a while, just be careful okay?"

"Okay."

Justin lays me down on my back, letting his fingers delicately caress every inch of my body with an intense, ardent desire that causes a tingling sensation to erupt within me. He lightly brushes his fingers over my cock and I let out a gasp of need. Arching my back I glance up at my lover and his eyes are full of love. It is so profoundly powerful that the realization makes my heart ache just a little to know I am actually loved and wanted. The overwhelming feeling of acceptance frightens me more than anything in this world.

I turn on my side facing away from him. It has become too difficult for me to make eye contact with Justin. I am afraid he will see the truth about me and his love will fade away.

Justin lets me turn, sensing my discomfort, then he whispers his love and desire while he kisses up my back and neck. I turn my head back and capture his lips with mine and we both moan as our lips part as he deepens the kiss. Reaching my arm behind me I wrap my hand around the back of is neck. His warm breath is sensual upon my moist lips and urgently I press my back against his chest and pelvis feeling his hard cock pressed firmly against my ass. I hear him moan again and I gasp when his tongue enters my mouth again with complete dominance.

Justin delicately traces his hand over my ear and I suck in a breath of air, feeling my own hard on pulsating. He chuckles sexily then guides two of his fingers into my mouth. I suck on them gently twirling my tongue around each digit caressingly..Justin growls huskily nipping my neck gently then presses his hard on against me more forcefully.

Moving his hand down he carefully pulls down my briefs and my breath hitches when I feel his finger circling slowly around my hole, making my body melt with each touch. Letting out a sigh, I desire more and push back against him until I feel one finger enter me. I feel my body relax as the slight pain turns to pleasure. Justin kisses my ear then nuzzles into my neck as he inserts another finger and I push back again, needing more.

Justin removes his fingers and hungrily kisses me, bringing his hand to my chest, rubbing his thumb over my hardening nipple and the sensation sends shock waves to my cock.. I moan, feeling myself grow even harder with each new sensation. Justin moves his hand to my other nipple and sensually rubs the tender flesh until it is hard as well, then he presses his body closer to mine thrusting his hips.

"Oh God Justin, I need you inside me." I tighten the grip I have around the back of his neck and scoot further into him until his cock is pressed against my hole. We kiss passionately, our tongues dancing to the sound of the music playing the background.

Justin pulls away slightly reaching for the lube and condom. Suddenly he pulls me close and he seems lost in thought, the passion still lingers but he is not touching me sexually, and I am becoming concerned I did something wrong. "Justin, what's wrong? Did I do something to upset you?" I feel myself growing more and more nervous by the moment.

Justin touches my body reassuringly and laughs gently. "No, you are doing everything right. I want to make love to you. I want to feel you. I mean really feel you without the condom, without any barrier. I want it to just be us and nothing to hold us back. I want you to be able to feel everything too."

Rolling over to face my lover I am shocked by his request. I lightly brush the back of my hand over his cheek and he shudders pleasurably under my touch. I smile at him, "Justin, God I want to feel you more than anything in this life, but it is not safe, and you know why."

"I don't care. I want you. I know it's a risk, but it is one I am willing to take."

Closing my eyes I take a deep breath and hesitantly nod my head yes. I feel his lips press tightly against mine the heat raises between us as his tongue enters my mouth. Removing the remainder of our clothes I lay down on my stomach. Justin crawls up my body licking, nipping and kissing every part of my back until he reaches the back of my neck. He softly rocks his body against mine then licks down my spine and down the crack of my ass. Justin expertly maneuvers his tongue over my hole, and then he stiffens it and enters me. I feel my emotions wavering, and trying to hold back my tears I stifle my cries of ecstasy and confusion.

Justin massages my ass, gently needing my flesh with his fingers. Pulling his tongue out he pushes back in, rimming me fervently. His warm, breathy moans do not escape me. I whimper with all the love he is giving me, and I still wonder why he is taking such good care of me. He has given me everything and more; showing me everything I mean to him.

Justin draws back and I hear him gasp, and I turn slightly to see the emotions in his own eyes as he wipes a tear away. Quickly I turn back, hiding my head under the pillows; hiding my own feelings. I'm not sure if I can bear to let him see me cry any more.

My whole body trembles when I feel his touch upon me again. Justin hovers over me and his heat radiates into me as he puts feather light kisses over my back. With each kiss I hear his breath hitch and he repeats words of love and devotion. He traces his tongue all the way up my spine and I let out a guttural moan. "Oh God Justin!"

He nips gently at my neck then sucks my skin into his mouth. His tears moisten my neck

Justin reaches over for the lube and prepares me tenderly; he then presses his hard cock firmly at my trembling hole awaiting my okay. I arch up to him, "Please, Justin." He kisses my head then licks my neck pushing deep inside me and my breath hitches as the pain and passion illuminate me all at once.

We cry out in unison and Justin tucks his head into my back, thrusting fervently inside me. Arching up, I lift myself, thrusting my hips back, bearing the weight on my palms. We rock together in harmony and I can feel all his love and desire warming my heart and soul. His throbbing cock twitches and I am amazing at how pronounced every stroke is. I groan out in ecstasy as he drives deeper inside me, reaching around to stroke my cock with each thrust. I clinch my muscles tight around my lover's dick until he cries out, "Oh God!"

Slumping my body down, I feel his fluids reaching deep within me, and my own splash against my stomach. I bury my head in the pillows again, wondering how he can love me so much. I whimper as I feel his seed leaving my body. Justin slumps on top of me shivering. He gasps in my ear and our souls are connected as we cry together.

"Oh God Brian, I love you so much." Justin's voice trembles as he speaks. He moves off me carefully and I turn to face him. I see in his blue eyes everything I have ever longed for. He leans in and kisses me tenderly..

Leaning my forehead on his I draw him in close. "Thank you for loving me." We hold each other tight and I know everything is going to be okay. The healing is beginning between us.

Justin falls asleep curled up against me, his head lying in the crook of my neck, his hand on my chest. My thoughts begin to wonder and I know I should get up and write them in my journal but I don't want to disturb my lover. I lay there raw with emotions as the night of my grandfather's death re-plays in my mind.

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