Solaced Tears

Chapter 2

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Brian's POV

Reading Justin's journal rips deep into my soul and I grasp onto the binding of the book until my knuckles are white. I can't believe I have put him through everything I have. I wish I could take it all back and turn back time. A heaviness befalls my heart and soul; the heat rises through my whole being and reluctantly I release the tears I have been holding in.

Slowly my remorse stains the page I had been reading. Wiping the tears away, I remember that day. It was only two weeks ago, but now it seems like an eternity. That was the night I realized I needed to change. I lie back on the bed and let my thoughts drift to that moment of realization.

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I wake up in my usual drunken haze and can see Justin slouched down on the floor. I am confused why he is there and that's when I hear Silvia; "Brian. Oh my dear Brian, it has been so long since you have held him in your arms. Justin misses you more than life itself. Sometimes at night when you are so drunk and Damien has fallen into oblivion I hold and rock him. He knows it's not you because he asks me questions that I can't answer. It's you he wants not me, not Damien, or any one else here. Justin wants to be loved by only you and I know he is holding on so desperately to have that chance again. I am scared of dying, of losing us, but I want you happy and I want him to be happy. Please wake up from this delusion. I know this is hard for you with all that you have been through but now you need to let it go."

I watch as she glares at Damien and points her finger at him, "I know you sweet bother.. You want to make it easier for Brian. You don't want him to hurt; you want to protect him from the pain. But look at him; he is in even more pain now," she yells.

Damien smirks and grabs a bottle of Jim Beam; "Dear sister ,don't you know everything is better numb? Fuck off and leave us be."

I look at Damien and he tips the bottle to me; "Cheers, this is our only happiness.. You don't need anyone but us, you can't trust anyone but yourself," I watch him drink and I desperately crave to feel the harsh fluid on my tongue; to have the heat of false healing numb me. I am at the point of consciousness where everything inside me aches. I long to have the taste of Whisky or Rum upon my lips more than anything. I want to be able to stop hurting without being numb.. I wish to be in a complete state of nirvana. I know I am by no means near the point of release and peace and it hurts knowing soon I will have all of the weight of the world on me again.

Looking over to my lover, I ache watching his body quiver in his grief. Justin's weeping stings my ears and I want to cry out for him to stop hurting. I stand and try to ignore Silvia and Damien. I fight within my mind because right now I see the only one who matters; the only one who counts. Crawling up to Justin I cradle him in my arms tears streaming down my cheeks. I gently rock us back and forth whispering; "Justin ,I am so sorry. Fuck I never meant to hurt you I...I can't do this anymore. I can't do this alone. Will you help me?"

Justin tilts his head up to look at me with his red and swollen eyes and reaches up to stroke the tears from my face; "How can I help you?"

I can't say the words as I try to choke back my emotions; "You know what I need help with."

Justin kisses me softly on the lips; "Brian, I know what you need but you need to be able to say it, otherwise I can't help you because in your mind it will never be real."

I laugh as I wipe the tears from his eyes; "How do you know me so well?"

"Because you let me have glimpses of who you are, now tell me how I can help."

"Help me to love you! Fuck, God! Justin I can't do this. I know I am killing myself slowly. I need to stop drinking and I know I'm the only one who can do that for myself. I'm asking you to support me and give me strength.. I can't do it without you. I hate myself so much, how I treat you, and who I have become. I hate it with everything inside me; I just want to feel again." Burying my head in his chest, I can feel his warm strong arms wrap around me; "But I'm so fucking scared to."

Justin rocks me slowly caressing my hair; "I love you Brian. God I love you more than life itself." His body trembles next to me and we hold each other crying.

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I come back to the present and sit up on the bed holding the journal close. Getting up I walk into the living room and I hear music coming from the spare bedroom. I know Justin must be inspired to paint. Not wanting to disturb his creative flow I walk over and pick up the journal I threw across the room earlier. I sit down, open it and begin to write down the tragic events that started me on this downward spiral..

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Brian's Journal

As I hold tightly to my grandfather's body more than anything I just want him to be here with me. I desperately long to hear his voice tell me he loves one last time or just hear him laugh again. I hear footsteps and I pull myself away from his breathless body knowing I will never have these moments again. I have to face the reality of my family and what's to come. I look around the room hoping to see his spirit or the spirit of my other loved ones who have passed. The room is empty though and I sit down in the chair listening as the footsteps draw closer..

Looking up I see my mother's grief stricken face and all I can do is go to her and hold her. I know she hates me and is disgusted with who I have become, or always have been, but I can't bear see her so sad no matter how much pain she has caused me. I have to make her feel better.

She clings to me tightly as her body shakes against mine and I can feel her damp tears against my cheeks; "I can't believe he is gone. They told me on the phone he was going downhill, but they never said he was…was…oh he's dead Brian. My father is dead." She lets out an agonized cry and slumps deeper into my embrace. I softly brush her hair with my hand and release my own tears. Mother's breathing becomes labored as she speaks anxiously; "He left me; Dad abandoned me."

I pull away slightly and look directly into her eyes; "Mother, he did not abandoned you. Grandfather's body was weak, he was so sick and he just couldn't do it any more. He needed to move on. He is with Grandma Trudy now."

She shakes her head in disagreement; "If it weren't for that god awful woman Alice that he married we would have had him with us longer. Her eyes are red and puffy and her lip quivers as she speaks; "we would have seen all the warning signs. He could still be alive. It's all that woman's fault.." Mother walks over to his bed and speaks softly; "he is no longer there. Now his body is just a shell."

She falls in to my arms again trembling and crying and I can't help but wonder how she had become so shallow. Even in death Grandfather's body is more than a shell. He was my life; my shelter from pain. Even if he is no longer in his body we need to respect him; all of him. Fuck why do I have to care so much? Why can't I be heartless and cruel like everyone else in my family?

"Brian, could you call Russ and Claire? I'm not up to calling them."

As always, here I am, the backbone and support. All I want to do is scream, 'why do you want me to call? I'm the faggot remember? I remember well how you all looked at me yesterday with hate in your eyes; whispering when Justin and I walked past.' Shit! I can hear Damien in my mind; "Why the fuck do you let them push you around? Fuck her; let the bitch call them herself.."

I agree with him but I find myself agreeing to my mothers request and I go to the nurses' desk where they let me use the phone. I decide to call Russ first. The phone rings for a while and just as I am about to hang up he answers; "Hello?" He sounds groggy.

"Russell, it's Brian."

"Brian?" I can hear the disgust in his voice, "why are you calling me at…what the hell? It's really late and I'm sleeping.."

Clearing my throat I try to sound strong; "Mother wanted me to call and tell you we are at the hospital. Grandfather just passed away."

"I'll be right there," his voice cracks as he speaks. "Have you called Claire yet?"

"No I was just about to."

"I'll call her, go be with Aunt Joan and I'll be there for her soon."

He hangs up and I stand there for a moment trying to calm my nerves. I really don't want to see him. I keep thinking about him coming to our home and trying to hurt Justin. He is such a fucking asshole and I have to be here in the same room with him. I do not want to be anywhere near the man. So much has changed in a little time and I wonder how I'll be able to pull through this chaos.  Turning to go back I approach the room expecting to hear my mother crying or distraught but I don't. She's in the room with someone talking and laughing.. I feel my stomach turning in agony as I open the curtain and glare at her; "Mother?"

She smiles; "Oh Brian, this is Glory. She works here in the ICU unit. She and I go way back."

I nod my head in acknowledgment and sit down watching my mother talk and laugh about old times. I wonder how she does it; how she can be so cold, making everything into a party. Her father just died and she's laughing? I want to crawl in a corner and hide from the world. Looking once again at Grandfather's lifeless body I just want to cry, scream and damn God to hell for taking him away from me...

I hear heavy boots on the tile floor and there is no mistaking that my cousin is here. He walks in with sorrow covering his face as he takes my mother in a tight hug; "Aunt Joan, I am so sorry."

I clinch my jaw in aggravation as I watch my mother's laughter turn to tears in an instant. They embrace for a long time until Russ breaks away and looks at me.. He wraps his arm around mother's shoulder and walks over. I stand not really knowing what to expect then Russell lets go of her and pulls me into a tight embrace. "Thank you for calling me and for staying with Aunt Joan. She really needed someone here with her."

Quickly I break free from his hug. I am completely flabbergasted. Who the fuck are these people? Even though Grandfather is gone does not give them the right to be nice all of a sudden. It's all just superficial and hypocritical bullshit. It makes me cringe to think of their false comfort.

Russell and my mother look at Grandfather for a while and I can hear Damien breaking through my thoughts again; "What are they doing? Waiting for him to breathe? What the fuck is wrong with them?" I can't help but smirk slightly because I am really liking Damien right now. He has the balls I wish I had."

I'm still lost in thought with the chatter of my mind when I feel a tap on my shoulder; "Brian we're going to Denney's for coffee. Care to join us? Your mother really needs family around her now."

Fuck how am I supposed to say no to that guilt trip? Where was the family when I needed them? Fuck! He looks at me expectantly; "yeah just give me a moment. I'll meet you outside."

After they depart from the room I place a kiss on my fingers and touch them to Grandfather's forehead; "I love you grandpa." I walk out of the room and take one more look hoping to see a glimpse of him, but there is nothing.. The room is empty of spirits.

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Outside Denney's I walk toward Russell; "Were you able to get a hold of Claire?"

He lights up a cigarette; "Yeah, she couldn't leave the brats, but she was pretty shaken. She said she'll meet us in the morning to help make arrangements."

Taking out a pack of DJARUM cigarettes I light up taking a deep drag, looking at Russ as he stares at me dumbfounded; "Shit Brian, you went from being a God fearing man to smoking and being a fucking faggot?"

"Fuck off, Russell," I growl narrowing my eyes in his direction. "Don't sound so fucking smug you racist homophobic prick. I'm only here because grandfather would want me to help mother now. I don't want to hear any of your bullshit; got it?! I'm going to go inside, do my family duty and be here for mom. Then I glare at him mischievously; "After that I'm going to go home fuck my faggot lover and try and get some sleep so I can deal with all the family bullshit again tomorrow." I put out my cig and can see the anger boiling inside Russ as he clinches his fists tightly.

I walk away and thank Damien quietly for taking over for a split moment because I knew I would never have the balls to stand up to Russ that way. My own grief is trying to take over and I'm afraid of losing control in front of my cousin.

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Brian's POV

I close journal and listen to the music from the spare bedroom and I can't help but smile.. Somehow writing this down has really helped me regroup mentally; for a moment anyway. I look at the closed door and wonder what kind of masterpiece Justin may be painting Opening the spare room I watch him paint rhythmically. I lean against the door frame and take in his beauty.

Justin turns around and smiles at me as he turns down the music; "Hey, how long have you been standing there?"

"Long enough to admire your sweet ass." Justin blushes and I love that I can get that kind of rise out of him. Walking up to him I wrap my arms around his waist and pull him in close whispering in his ear; "somebody's been going through my CD collection again. Good choice by the way. I love Erasure."

Justin beams from ear to ear and laughs; "Brian, you are so gay!"

I kiss him gently and lightly bite his lower lip; "I thought that was the quality you liked best about me."

Justin sensually brushes his fingers down my arms; "You're right, I do," he gently cups his hand over my clothed covered cock and I let out a gasp. He smirks playfully and continues to speak; "It just amazes me how you tried to hide from who you were, but all of your music screams who you are. You like Morrissey, Abba, erasure…"

I stop his chattering with a sensual kiss and smile down seductively; "What can I say? I have good taste in music; and men."

Justin kisses me on the cheek; "You're so cute when you're cocky."

I lean my forehead against his and whisper; "So what are you painting?" Gently I pull away and start to walk over to where Justin was painting.

Justin stops me by grabbing my hand; "I'll show you when I'm finished with it, okay?"

I raise my brow at him and his eyes plead with me; "Sure, okay."

He walks me out of the room; "Are you hungry? Should we order in?"

"Mmm, you were reading my thoughts again sunshine. How about Chinese?"

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