Take Me As I Am

Chapter 4

Justin's POV

I watch as Brian and Daphne embrace, putting their past behind them. I know their problems aren't all resolved but I think it's all good for now. I'm still really curious as to what came between them in the first place, but I know in time everything will be revealed.

I sneak into the room and wrap my arms around both of them and call out, "Group hug!"

Brian wraps his arm around my lower back and laughs against my cheek, his warm breath sending shivers throughout my whole body.

Daphne also laughs playfully as she slaps my chest. "You're such a goofball, Justin."

I pull away and place a hand on my face in mock horror. "Me, a goofball? You can't possibly be talking about me!"

She smiles brightly and kisses my cheek. "Yes, you, and you know I love it."

"Well, you better or I'll just have to find a new best friend." I mischievously stick my tongue out at her.

She shakes her head, biting her lower lip, and trying to suppress the smile I see about to grace her lips. She finally gives up and laughs, as she playfully pushes me away. "Fuck you!"

Brian draws me into a more intimate embrace, then smirks at Daphne. "Sorry Daph, that is just out of the question. You are so not his type, but I certainly am."

My heart melts at his words then he kisses me passionately, making me catch my breath, and my cock hard, as his tongue slides against mine. He places his palm on my lower back drawing me in closer so I can feel his own hard cock pressed against me. I gasp and draw back from him.

Brian smirks, "Feel good?"

"You have no idea."

He laughs good naturedly and pats my ass. "I think I have some idea." He devours my lips again in a smoldering kiss, and then we are both startled out of our intimate moment when we hear Daphne clear her throat.

We both turn to catch the slightly amused expression on her face. "Do you need me to leave the room so you can fuck?"

I think about it for a moment and as much as I want and need Brian, I know I am not ready to jump into this relationship so fast. When Brian and I are together for the first time I want it to be special. I know it may sound like a lesbian thing to say, but that's how I feel. I want it to be forever.

Brian gently cups my chin and looks deep into my eyes, and without saying a word he turns to Daphne. "No, we're fine for now. I think it's best to wait."

When he says this I can see so much confusion in his own eyes, and I am sure he is surprised by his own conclusions. We sit down on the bed next to Daphne and he wraps his arms around both of us. When he finally speaks, there is humor in his voice. "We so know you wouldn't mind watching." He unwraps his arm from me and playfully tickles her side. She laughs and squirms away from him, then reaches over to grab her beer off the side table. "So you guys want to watch my Kiss videos?"

Brian lays down on his back with his legs dangling over the edge of the bed. "Mmm Gene Simmons. Have you ever thought about what that man could do with his tongue? "

She jumps up, turning off her tape player and then turns on her TV. She presses play on the VCR and screeches in delight. "Oh my God! You totally think the same way I do. God, he is such a sexy man. When he curls his tongue with that stage blood I just totally cream my panties.

Brian covers his eyes. "Oh, that's gross. I so did not want to hear about your pussy right now."

Daphne slumps back on the bed watching the TV. "You and Justin are so egotistical. You can totally talk about your cocks, but if I mention my pussy you both freak out. It's just wrong, I tell you, all wrong." She turns to both of us. "I have needs, goddamnit! Yes, I may have a fucking pussy, but I get just as horny as you do, maybe even more. You're just both jealous because I can have more orgasms than you, so there." She crosses her arms over her chest and then sticks her tongue out at us .

I can't help but laugh at my friend. "You are so very mature, Daph."

She huffs, then sulks some more, and I know I have to change the topic somehow. "Speaking of pussy, I had no idea your grandma had a girlfriend when she was younger."

Daphne gasps. "Oh my God, I know! That was just, like, too much. I don't know, it's kind of cool, I guess, but I just could not imagine being in love with your best friend and never being able to have that intimacy you once shared."

I am slightly confused when I see Brian stiffen. He sits up and clears his throat and there's no mistaking the sudden chill in the air. "Can't you?" he says with venom in his voice.

Daphne shakes her head. "That's not what I meant. What happened with us was different."

I try not to look at either of them as I try to keep my attention on Paul Stanley. My heart is aching with disappointment and betrayal. Neither one of them say it, but I can feel deep within my soul that they slept with each other.

I stand up and grab my beer, walking silently out of Daphne's bedroom door. I belatedly realize that I forgot my jacket. It is fucking freezing out here, but I can't go back inside. I know I should be more sensitive, but for some odd reason I feel betrayed. I can hear Daphne and Brian talking and I can't even bring myself to eavesdrop. Quickly I drink my beer, hoping it will numb some of my pain. I can feel the alcohol coursing through my body, taking off the edge, but it's not enough. I toss the bottle to the ground, light a cigarette, and try to ignore the cold.

*****

Daphne's POV

I am so fucking mad at myself for what I just said. I may have just ruined everything with my stupid slip up. I wish I didn't always have to have the last word, but I do. I really realize my fuck up when Justin walks out the door. "Shit! He knows. I should go see if he's all right."

I stand up and Brain grasps my arms. "Don't. He needs some time alone." He sighs and combs his fingers through his long hair. "Fuck, I did not want him to find out,."

"Neither did I, but he did."

"Fuck."

"You should go talk to him."

" And what do I say? So, I fucked Daphne, now get over it?"

I laugh and pull him up to stand next to me. "It s very obvious you have never been in a relationship before. You just tell him the truth. Speak from your heart."

"It's that easy?"

"Yeah, it's that easy."

"You've watched way too many chick flicks."

"I'm a chick. That's what we do, you silly goose. Anyhow, 'Pretty in Pink', 'Sixteen Candles' and 'Some Kind of Wonderful' are what make me live from day to day. Plus they're just good stories."

He raises his brow at me and chuckles. "You forgot one." .

"I did?"

"'The Breakfast Club'."

"You saw that?"

He shrugs his shoulders. "What can I say? I think Judd Nelson is hot!" He turns to go to the door.

I can't help but laugh at his confession. "Who would have thought Brian Kinney likes chick flicks?"

He grumbles, then pushes the door open. walking outside and closing the door behind him. Carefully I sit down on the floor next to the window, hoping to hear what they say to each other.

*****

Brian's POV

Shit! I fucked things up again. I seem to always have a knack for pissing people off. What can I say? It's a gift. As soon as walk out the door I see Justin leaning against the house smoking a cigarette and shaking. I realize how fucking cold it is out here, and wonder why the fuck he doesn't have a jacket on.

I walk over to him and he eyes me. "What the fuck are you doing out here?" he asks harshly.

"Jesus, Justin, I thought there was going to be no more drama queen moments. Fuck! We've only been in a relationship, and I really can't believe I'm even saying that word…but it's what we have, and it's only been for 45 minutes and we're already having our second fight . No fucking wonder I don't believe in relationships and shit."

Justin stares at me intensely. "So, are you having another asshole moment?"

"That depends."

He nods his head, then takes a drag from his cig, blowing out the smoke as he talks. "So is that why you and Daphne aren't friends anymore; because you fucked?" His tone is bitter.

"Jesus Christ, Justin, we weren't even friends when we fucked. Our friendship was over for other reasons and none of them Daphne's fault. I was fucking protecting her," I reply defensively.

His face softens and I see concern in his eyes. "What where you protecting her from?

"Me."

He puts out his cigarette and walks closer to me, placing his hand on my cheek. "Why?"

"I can't go into it now. Let's just say something bad happened in my life. Something I have never, and I mean never, ever shared with anyone. It changed my life and not in a good way. I started using drugs and drinking to numb my pain and I knew I could not have her go down with me. I know Daph, and she would have. She would have been right there with me, but I cared too much for her to see her get hurt."

*****

Justin's POV.

My heart aches for Brian as he tries to explain to me what happened, but I know he is jut talking bullshit, and skirting around the issue. My fingers tremble from the cold but all I want to do is comfort him because I can see how much pain he is really in. Slowly I caress his cheek. "Brian, please tell me what happened to make you go down this road, to make you want to protect Daphne from your own pain."

He gulps and takes hold of my hand. "You're ice cold, we should go inside."

" I'll be fine. Brian, please don't avoid the question.."

He steps away, running his hands through his hair. "Fuck!" Without hesitating he takes his jacket off and wraps it around my shoulders. "If you're going to be stupid enough to want to stand in the cold, at least take my fucking jacket."

I smile up at him and slide my arms through the sleeves, inhaling the essence of Brian and that alone makes me feel warm. I put my hands in the pockets. "What about you? Now you're cold."

A wicked smirk spreads across his lips as he steps close to me, wrapping his arms around my waist inside the jacket. "Oh I can find other ways to get warm." He kisses my forehead and whispers in my ear. "Now just put your hand in my back pocket and that will really warm me up."

I can't help but laugh. "Brian Kinney, are you trying to seduce me?"

"Is it working?"

"Yes, but you're still avoiding the question."

He nuzzles his head into the crook of my neck and whispers in my ear. "Justin, I can't…I can't talk about it."

I hear the catch in his voice and it frightens me. Drawing back a little, I place my hands gently on his face. "It's okay, I'm sorry for pressuring you. I want you to know I'm here for you when you're ready to talk."

He shakes his head. "Sorry is bullshit, Justin." He pulls away then turns his back to me. "Do you really want to know?" He turns back around and his eyes are red rimmed and filled with pain. "Do you? Do you really want to know how fucked up my life is?" His mouth is twisted into a painful grimace. "Fine, you want to know so bad then I'll fucking tell you."

I try to move in closer to him and he moves away. "Brian, I'm sorry, you don't have to tell me. I'm so sorry for pushing. I'm just…I want to be here for you and I want you to know that I am here."

He takes in a deep breath and he calms down slightly. "I know, and that's why I have to tell you now, because if I don't, and you find out later you may leave me. I want you to be able to get out now if you have to. I don't want to fall in love with you and then have you rip out my heart."

"I would never do that to you."

"How do you know that?"

"I just know."

"No you don't, you really don't know anything. You have no idea what I've been through."

"Then why don't you fucking enlighten me, Brian. Why don't you fucking tell me what the hell is going on, because I'll tell you this; there is no way in hell I am letting you go. I finally have you in my life and I like it, and I don't want you to go away. I guarantee you that nothing you say will frighten me or fucking scare me away."

Brian turns away from me again. "I'm sorry. I can't look at you when I say this. I…fuck!" He runs his hands though his hair. "This is so fucking hard. I was in love once." His words startle me because as far as I knew Brian has never been in love with anyone.

He goes on quietly, "God, I was so in love with Christopher Brown." For some reason the name sounds familiar but I can't pinpoint who it belongs to. Brian laughs bitterly. "I was so young and stupid. He promised me the world and I fucking believed it. He was older than me, and my home life…well, it wasn't good. What am I saying? My home life sucked and Chris knew it. When he took me under his wing I felt so safe and protected."

He turns around and I can see the sorrow in his eyes. "I thought I could trust him, I mean, he was an adult after all. I really should have known better," he smirks wryly. I gasp at his confession and he looks me intently. "You do know who I'm talking about right?"

All I can do is shake my head dumbly.

"Fuck, he was so amazing; tall, dark, handsome, athletic…" He trails off and is then silent for a moment before he continues . "You know. He was the coach of the fucking soccer team,"

Suddenly I feel the bile threatening to rise in my stomach and before he can even tell me what happened I voice my fear. "Is that why you stopped playing soccer?"

He clears his throat. "It started out innocently enough; pats on the shoulder telling me I played a good game or a playful swat on the ass in the locker room. Before I knew it I was part of his personal life, stuff like having dinner with his wife and kids, going places with them.

"For the first time in my life I felt complete. I saw a true family and they acted like they loved me like a son. But what his wife didn't know was that her husband liked to kiss me from time to time, or touch me intimately. God! I loved his touch, I fucking longed for it. There were many times he tried to get me to have sex with him, but I was not ready. I was fucking terrified!

"One afternoon after school I went back to the locker room for something and there he was in the shower all soapy and so fucking hot. I'm not sure what got into me, but I walked right into the shower stall with all my clothes on, dropped to my knees and sucked him off. He tasted so good, and when he clutched at my hair I knew he felt the way I did. I knew he loved me and that I had made the right choice."

Brian takes a gasping breath and barely whispers, "That's what I thought at the time, anyway. I was naive and stupid then. After he came, he helped me stand up and kissed me with so much passion I thought I would come from that alone. Before I knew it he had my clothes off and he spun me around so I was facing the wall. I was so scared, but excited at the same time. I knew this was it, I was finally going to give myself to him, let him know how much I really loved him."

Brian turns away from me again and I gently lay my hand on his shoulder speaking softly. "If it's too difficult for you to go on, I understand."

He nods his head gratefully, but he continues his story anyway. "Back then I new nothing about sex. I had no idea how to prepare for it, how a caring partner needed to prepare me for it. He didn't do any of that. He just slammed into me hard. God, it fucking hurt, but I was trying to tell myself it felt good and that he loved me. Hell, I still try to tell myself it felt good." He faces me again. "But that's a lie. It hurt. It fucking hurt, and I asked him to stop. I fucking begged him to get off me, but he didn't. He kept slamming me hard against the wall. So I just kept telling myself that was what I wanted, that it felt good.

After he fucked me I told him I loved him. He laughed at me. He then called me a slut and told me the only thing I was good for was fucking. That no one would love me. How could anyone love a whore?" Brian's shoulders begin to shake and he gulps. "So I showed him that he was right. That all I was ever good for was fucking

My heart aches when I see the unshed tears in Brian's eyes. He was raped and my heart breaks with the knowledge of all he's endured. The tears swell in my eyes knowing the hell he must have been through and still goes through. Gently I place my hands on his shoulder and rub softly. "You are so much more than that, Brian. I want you for your heart, mind, and soul.

His face screws up in anger. "How can you say that? How can you want me knowing I'm used, knowing that all I am good for and ever will be good for is a fuck."

I try to hold back my own tears and I can't. "Jesus Christ, Brian! Do you not realize how much you're worth? What an amazing man you are? That bastard used you. God, he fucking raped you, Brian."

Brian turns away from me yet again. "I wanted it, Justin He did not rape me."

Without thinking I turn him around and glare at him. "How can you stand there and tell me you wanted to be hurt? You asked him to stop and he kept going." Brian tries to pull away and I gently cup his chin, making him look at me. "You asked him to stop and he kept going. That's rape, Brian. He fucking hurt you and it's killing me inside knowing that you've had to deal with all this pain alone."

"You don't hate me?"

"Why would I hate you?"

"Because I let someone do that to me."

"God no, it's not your fault, Brian. There is no reason for me to hate you. I love you so much." I cup the back of his neck with my hand and draw him down for a tender kiss.

Drawing back I look into Brian's wounded eyes. "I'm sorry for queening out on you again."

He chuckles softly and lets out a sigh. "You do seem to have really mastered a good queen out, haven't you?" He clears his throat and I can see a single tear roll down his cheek. Gently, I wipe it away and he ducks his head so I won't see how vulnerable he is. "Please don't," he whispers softly. "Please don't… I just want to forget it all, okay?"

I nod my head, but then I catch a glimpse of Daphne's bedroom door opening. She walks over to us briskly and wraps Brian in a tight hug. "You, stupid idiot. You walked away from our friendship to deal with all that on your own." She pulls away and looks him in the eyes and I know she can see the confusion and shame that is there as well as I can. She sighs heavily. "Well, I've always known I was the smarter one of the two of us. If you ever, and I mean ever, pull a stunt like that again I will fucking hit you." She tries to bite back her emotions, but her voice is shaking. "I would have been here for you, Brian. I'm not sure what I could have done but I at least you wouldn't have been alone.

Brian's tears begin to flow as he draws her back into a tight embrace, letting his body slump against hers as he shakes violently. "I'm sorry," he whispers. "I royally fucked everything up."

As I stand back watching my boyfriend and best friend together I realize how stupid I was to be angry, or even jealous, of what they had together. I can see the strong bond they share and right now the only thing that matters to me is Brian's happiness. I can easily see how they would have turned to each other for comfort. I know there are times I have been tempted to let Daphne be my first, but I also know Brian is the only one I ever want to share that moment with me.

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