Take Me As I Am

Chapter 2

Brian’s POV

The smell of Marijuana lingers in my room as I lay on my bed relaxing, and jacking off to gay porn. As usual my mind eventually wanders to Justin. God, he looked so hot at school today. He‘s starting to grow out his hair, and the blond locks look so sexy slightly covering over his ears, and hanging just almost in his eyes. Those blue orbs seem to search deep into my soul, and I often feel he can see the real me. Not the persona I let others see.

I feel my cock growing when I think of the hard on he was sporting when he was checking me out this morning. I thrust rapidly in my hand trying to get off so I can stop thinking about him. I need him so bad in my life and I am confused by my lesbionic thoughts. I do not trust many people in my life, yet there is something different about Justin. I find myself talking to him about things I wouldn’t tell my own friends.

I am drawn out of my thoughts when I hear the phone ringing. Fuck! I really don’t want to answer it. With my luck it will be one of those skanks who hang all over me at school. I shudder at the thought and instantly lose my hard on, groaning in dissatisfaction .

Finally I roll over and grab the phone, getting annoyed when no one answers. Then I hear Justin speak and I’m pleasantly surprised to hear from him, he sounds so nervous which I find endearing. When I hear Daphne giggling in the background I know beyond a shadow of a doubt there is more to his call than just saying hi. I have so many emotions and feelings coursing through me that it is making it difficult for me to express my true feelings to him.

Playfully I tease him, trying to distract his thoughts. I have a strong feeling that he wants to ask me out. I have known for a long time Justin was interested in me and if I would stop lying to myself I would come to terms about how I feel about him too. It’s just that I know somewhere down the road I will hurt him. I don’t do relationships and I have my parents to thank for that. Their marriage alone is enough to make anyone avoid love at any cost.

I’m stunned that I admitted to Justin that he is my type. The words and meaning behind them scare me so much that I’m not sure what to do now. “Fuck!” I growl to my empty room. What the hell have I done? More than anything I want to go over to Daphne’s, take Justin in my arms and kiss him passionately, but I can’t. I won’t lead him on or hurt him like I know I will. I stand up and walk over to my dresser, pulling out the bottle of Jim Bean I snagged from Dad’s liquor cabinet. Drinking directly from the bottle I gasp as the harsh liquid burns my throat, numbing my thoughts away from Justin. But it seems like the more I try to forget him, the more I begin to think of him.

I stumble to my bed laughing at my own fucked up situation. Taking another gulp from the bottle I feel the warm liquid seep through my veins and I no longer wonder why it is such a big deal to be in love with Justin. Standing up I quickly get dressed, grabbing my pack of cigarettes and a lighter, I put them in my pocket. Despite my inebriated state I climb out of the window. I know where Daphne lives because we have fucked a couple times. I don’t think Justin knows, nor do I want him to. It’s not like it meant anything more to me than a fuck. She needed me and I wanted to be there for her. Years ago Daphne used to be my best friend, and when I saw she was in pain all I wanted to do was help her through it the only way I know how.

“Fuck, why am I defending myself to myself?”

I stumble down the road a couple of blocks until I see Daphne’s grandmother’s little house. I let myself in the gate and head to the back of the house. I always laugh at the thought that she has her own door to her bedroom. Makes things a little too convenient if you ask me.

As I draw closer to the door I find myself sobering up and wondering if this was a good idea. I rake my hands through my hair. Fuck! I can’t believe I’m here. Why in the hell did I ever think this was a good idea? I lean up against the side of the house and take out a cigarette. I light it and inhale deeply, feeling the smoke in my lungs relaxing my nerves. I can hear the familiar sound of heavy metal music drifting from the open window. I listen closely and I can hear Justin and Daphne talking and laughing and I feel almost guilty for eavesdropping

I hear Justin tell Daphne he loves me. Shit, the little fucker loves me! I have never had anyone feel that way about me. Most people only want me for what I can give them; that moment of blissful satisfaction.

I learned life’s hard lesson when I was fourteen on that fateful day I let my soccer coach fuck me in the showers. I thought he loved me, but he was like every other adult I know; he could not get rid of me fast enough. He got his rocks off and then put me down, calling me a slutty kid and telling me all I was good for was fucking. He told me no one would want me for anything else. How in the hell could I be a slut? It was my first time. I remember running home, crying from the pain of sex and the pain in my heart, but I showed him. Now I definitely live up to his expectation and no one will ever want me now that I am tainted and used for others' gratification. But it’s okay, I don’t mind because I know I could never be the person that could honestly love someone in a monogamous relationship, even if I wanted to. It would break my heart if I ever hurt someone like my father hurts my mother or how my soccer coach hurt me. “Shit,” I mutter under my breath. Why in the hell am I here pining over Justin, having all these lesbian thoughts about him?

Suddenly I realize I shouldn’t be here. There is nothing I can give him, and I know I don’t want to hurt him. With a heavy heart I drop my cigarette on the ground, stepping on it, and then I start to walk away.

I am startled out of my thoughts when I hear the door open and Daphne growls at me. “Where the fuck do you think you’re going?”

I turn around and look her directly in the eye and I can see she is in protective mode. “I shouldn’t be here.”

She closes the door and walks up to me, her face softening a little. “Why do you think you shouldn’t be here?”

“Just forget about it; it was a bad idea for me to come here.”

She scrunches up her nose. “Why are you here exactly?” When I don’t answer she points at me and says sternly. “I’ll tell you one thing, Mister. Whatever happened between you and me last year can’t happen again! My heart can’t take it, plus it was a mistake and I can’t do that to Justin.”

I am confused by her words. Her heart can’t take what? What wouldn’t she be able to handle? I thought she knew the score. I sigh heavily, shaking my head and now realize why things seemed more strained between us after the last time we fucked. “What does that have to do with Justin?”

“Are you that daft? He loves you Brian. I’m not stupid. I know you like him too or you wouldn’t be here right now.”

I try to avoid her words of reason. “How did you know I was out here anyway?”

She laughs. “Well, duh, I saw you walk past my window, plus I could smell your cigarettes through my open window. It doesn’t take a genius to know you were outside.”

“Does Justin know I’m here.?“

“No, his back was to the window.”

“So are you saying he’s not a genius?” I smirk

She slaps me playfully. “Fuck you, and you’re changing the subject. You know that was not what I meant.”

“I know.”

She turns to walk to the garage, and then she turns back looking at me pointedly. “I am going to the garage to get some beers. Promise me something? Don’t hurt him. If that’s your plan you can keep on walking home, but if you like him, I mean really like him get your ass in my room and talk to him.”

*****

Daphne’s POV

When Justin said he needed to piss I took that as my opportunity to go talk to Brian. Deep in my heart I knew he would come here tonight. I take one more glance at him and I see him hesitate at my bedroom door then walk in. I close my eyes tightly and pray I did the right thing.

As I get to the garage I feel my resolve crumbling. I lean my head against the refrigerator and feel the tears drift down my cheek when I think of the night a year ago that Brian and I first had sex. Before that point it had been one of the worst days of my life. I was in sixth period when I was called outside of the class to find out my grandfather had passed away. I was so broken. My grandfather was my best friend in many ways, and to hear he died so suddenly of a heart attack tore me apart. I remember walking back into the classroom to get my backpack. Brian’s chair was right next to mine and he gently touched my arm, asking if I was okay. I shook my head no and left without a word.

That night I laid in my room feeling so fucking alone. I heard the knock on my bedroom door, and when I opened it I was surprised to see Brian standing there with so much concern in his eyes. Not many people know that Brian and I used to be really close friends. I’m not even sure what happened to our friendship, but it was shortly after his fourteenth birthday that he became distant. I could see all this pain and sorrow in his perfect hazel eyes that was tearing him apart. I know his home life was no good, but this was different. It was like someone broke his heart and soul. He started making up these ridiculous rules and hanging around with a rougher crowd..

When I saw him at my door that night my heart soared and I realized that no matter how much our lives had changed I knew he was still there for me. I remember just sinking into his embrace when I told him my Grandpa died. I felt his tears on my cheek as mine blended with his.

That night he helped me to forget my pain. Sometimes I regret that we had sex, because I miss him and our friendship so much. The first time we had sex was out of grief. The next time I went to his house and I’m not even sure why I went there. Part of me fell in love with him the night we were together, and I think the second time I was trying to regain what we once had as friends, but it was just putting a bigger wedge between us. I loved him so much and I knew he could and would never give me anything more than sex.

I never knew Brian was gay, though. I’m not sure how I could have missed it, but when I saw him a moment ago it was all so clear to me. I just hope he is able to break his stupid rules and let himself love Justin. I could tell after seeing the love in both of their eyes that they need each other.

I open the refrigerator, grab three beers and set them on the counter. I jump up on the counter and sit down, dangling my feet while I wait for Brian and Justin to talk.

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