Fusion


Chapter 5 : My Skin

 

Author's Notes:  Many thanks to my wonderful Beta Thyme for all the time and energy she puts into making my stories look good. Another thank you to my dear sweet Sarah and also to my wonderful readers... (((hugs to you All)))

The first part of this chapter  was inspired by the song Lucky by Jason Mraz and Colby Calliet. The second part of this chapter was inspired by the song My Skin by Natalie Merchant.

*****

Justin's POV

After Brian and I made love I felt so alive and free then suddenly the world came crashing down around me. I knew it was time, time to make the biggest decision of Brian's and my life for the future. All I have ever wanted was to be with him, even when I was on the other side. The higher ups gave me a choice, a chance, one last chance with Brian. I am a little scared but excited to be with him again. the choice does not come without a few bumps in the road. I need to prove myself and my love for Brian. We are to be together in a way that can be amazing and trying all at the same time. My soul and spirit is to fuse with his. We will be one in every way possible. Sharing the same body, hearing each other's thoughts, knowing each other's most intimate desires and fears as both of our separate emotions merge as one.
 
There will be times I know Brian will be scared. He's a total control freak, my control freak, and when he is not in control it will confuse him. I am here to teach him how to live and love again, and he is going to teach me how to  be human again. The gods and goddesses gave me one year to prove myself. One year for Brian and I to heal, mend and to find closure with people from our past lives, who have always been in the middle of us totally being able to be one. If I prove myself I get to be with my true love. I will have my own body so I can love him in every way possible.
 
Tonight when Brian and I made love it was so amazing and the first step to our merger. At this moment I can remember everything from all of our lives, and why I am coming back to my beloved. As soon as we become one my memory's will be sporadic, people and places will seem familiar and  past life memories will be triggered, showing me glimpses of the past. I will not know everything but I will know for sure that I am here to help Brian and he is here to  guide me as well. I have been told god and goddess sent a psychic to Brian that will help guide us both when we are scared or confused. She knows all about a life like this because her true love is with her and has been for a long time.
 
I take a deep breath and enjoy Brian's warm arms and body embracing mine. When I feel his breath become heavy, I know he is sleeping and I know it is time to make my final choice. Do I take the risk of joining our spirit together and in a year we can be together as a couple in our own separate bodies? But if things go wrong we could be stuck this way forever, or the worst scenario I will never be able to see my love again.
 
I close my eyes and focus on the love I have for Brian. I feel lucky to have this last chance to be with him. I smile to myself remembering how well we fit together when we made love. I can still feel him inside me. I press my body against his until my whole body, mind and spirit tingles. I feel Brian's arms wrap around me tighter, unconsciously he knows what is happening as well. Spirit has talked to him in his dreams and his spirit has agreed with everything, even if his human mind seems unaware. Unknowingly he brings me into him. A gasp parts from my lips as my body becomes translucent and fuses completely into his, until we are whole in every way possible.
 
I open my eyes and I am amazed to be seeing through Brian's eyes. His spirit is still sound asleep, but I can't help but look around and explore. I feel so lucky to have this chance to be with him, and to get to know him better than I ever have. Carefully I get out of bed and stand up. I can't help but laugh as my body tingles all over. Slowly I caress my hand over Brian's skin that is now also mine. With each caress I am silently letting him know how much I love him. His spirit is sleeping  but I feel him calling out to me with each  touch. Closing my eyes I listen to the loft and all the sounds of the world around me. I reach my hands up into the air and I can feel the electricity of just being alive coursing through every fiber of my being. I wiggle my fingers and toes and then spin in a circle with laughter at the tip of my tongue. It is so fucking amazing to be human again. I sway gently to the music I hear in my mind. I walk over to the closet and I whistle at all the snazzy clothes Brian has. Gently I glide my fingers through the expensive wardrobe. I never thought my Brian would be so materialistic but I understand it. He had such a rough upbringing and he has always been richer in mind and spirit, richer than the home he grew up in.
 
I bypass all the fancy clothes and I grab something simple and a little fun. I feel my tummy rumble a little bit. I hold my tummy and look down and laugh, remembering how much I used to eat as a teenager and how much Brian used to playfully tease me.  I dress and then walk down the stairs to grab a bite to eat. When I  open the fridge all I see is guava juice and poppers. I shake my head and grab the keys and wallet off the counter. I walk out the door remembering Brian's Jeep is at the cemetery. If I remember right it is not too far away, so I decide to take a little stroll. As I am walking I see that little diner that is so embedded in Brian's memories.
 
I walk inside feeling on top of the world. There is a bounce in my step and I feel so much alive. I just want to feel and experience everything I possibly can. I see Brian's best friend's mom come my way and for a moment I am not sure how to act or what to do and then I decide I am just going to be myself, Justin. I smile at her brightly. "Hi, Deb."
 
She pulls me into a tight hug and draws back. "Hey, kiddo, what are you doing here at this time of night?"
 
I shrug my shoulders. "Ummm because I'm hungry and all I have in my fridge is guava juice and poppers..."
 
She barks out a laugh. "Why does that not fucking surprise me?" She leads me to my table and as I sit down she asks me, "So what will it be, turkey on whole wheat no mayo?" I blanch at the thought. Apparently I make a funny face and she laughs. "I agree, but hey, it's your taste buds."
 
I open up the menu and there before me is a picture of the yummiest thing ever!  I point it out and show it to Deb. She raises a brow and then feels my forehead. "Are you feeling okay, baby? You never eat shit like that."
 
I look at the stack of pancakes covered with strawberries and whipped cream.  I grin widely and try to take on as much of Brian's persona as I can. "Well I do now." I close the menu loudly and slam it on the table, scaring myself. I smile at her weakly. "Oh, and I'll have two slices of bacon and scrambled eggs."
 
Debbie looks at me curiously. "What have you done with Brian and when are you bringing him back?"
 
For a moment I am scared. How could she know?" She laughs  and then pinches my cheeks. "It's about time you start eating well. You're just too fucking skinny." She smiles and walks away.
 
I can't help but laugh and fall in love with Brian's surrogate mother. I sit in the booth swaying from side to side enjoying  the music playing throughout the diner. I start to hum and when I am familiar with the words I sing without any hesitation. Suddenly I feel someone staring at me. I look up and I see Debbie smiling brightly as she smacks her gum. "Here you go, kiddo." She sets the plate down along with a large glass of orange juice and she sits across from me. "So are you going to tell me what's going on?"
 
I smile and I sing, "Lucky I am in love with my best friend." Debbie's eyes grow wide and I can't help but laugh. I point upward and say. "No worries, Deb, I'm just singing to the song. I'm not in love with your son."
 
She sighs a deep sigh of relief and reaches over and slaps my shoulder. "Don't you dare fucking scare me like that again. You know how much that boy worships you. Now I know you love him, but I always knew your heart belonged to someone else since the day I met you. Who your heart belongs to I don't know, but I know you had a love. I feel it. You pretend to not know how to love, but I know you, Brian Kinney, maybe even better than you know yourself. And I know he will come back to you soon, and by the look on your face and the song in your step, I do wonder if maybe he already has."
 
I take a bite of my yummy pancakes and shrug my shoulders. "Life is a mystery, Deb."
 
She looks deep into my eyes. "You're not going to tell me, are you?"
 
I shake my head. "Nope, but I will say you're right."
 
She smiles smugly. "Well then, I guess that's all I can ask for, the knowledge that I am right." She snickers to herself and then stands up and pats my shoulder. "Just follow your heart, kiddo, and stop with your false persona of being an asshole. I never bought it for one minute, even if your friends have."
 
"Okay, Deb," I say with a mouth full of food. She laughs and shakes her head as she walks away
 
 

*****
 

 
When I finally get to the cemetery it took much longer than I thought it would. I will have to make a note to myself to never walk 6 miles again without proper training. Breathlessly I make my way through the trees and graves until I see my own grave. I stand in front of the plot that says Justin Taylor and it just seems so surreal to me. I kneel down and gently touch the rough aged stone. I can feel the cold hard ground underneath my knees, and the dried grass pokes at my bare ankles. Then a strange realization hits me that I am kneeling on top of my own dead remains. A gasp parts from my lips as I feel a pang in my chest. I can sense the mourning of Brian's heart and soul. For the first time since I was human, can I truly feel the extreme agony I knew he felt. As I touch the stone visions bombard my thoughts. I see a staircase and pain tearing through my body, as I can feel the steps when my body hits each one violently until I collide with the floor and my head hits the ground so hard. The world around me blackens and through my pain and blurry eyes I can taste blood in my mouth. In that last moment of breath I look up and I can see  my father staring down at me in satisfaction.
 
Quickly I move my hand away. "No, No." I shake my head and then suddenly more visions come to me. I see the spirit of my father in many different lives, ending with my life as I know it. I see him standing before me and in a traditional German officer's uniform with high boots.
 
My heart aches and I know I have to somehow find a way to end this cycle. So many emotions overwhelm me, feelings I have not felt in a long time and my whole body collapses in exhaustion. Before my eyes fade to sleep I see my sister's letter and I know I should grab it, I know, I should get back home before Brian wakes but I have no energy left inside me.
 
 

*****
 

 
I'm awakened to hear Brian's confusion and pain. I try to reach out to his thoughts to let him know I am here because I know he is so scared right now and believes that everything that happened was a dream. When I try to mentally reach out to him is when I notice I am standing outside of his body. I look down at my translucent hands and I know I must have done something wrong for the gods to cast me out of Brian's body.
 
I am startled when I hear a female voice speaking to me. "Justin, my child, you have done nothing wrong."  She gently touches my face with her hand; her chocolate brown eyes look deep within my soul. "In fact you're doing everything right. You're learning to live again, and you will teach Brian to live again too."
 
I pull back slightly not in fear but in confusion.  I look at the elegant woman before me who is standing in her Egyptian garb of royalty. Her face is so gentle, so kind. When I look past her I see many others.  I gulp slightly. "Who are you and who are they? And why am I out of Brian's body? I thought ... I thought we were supposed to be together."
 
She smiles gently.  "You are together, more together than you can imagine, but it would be difficult to be inside, feeling everything Brian feels. So you are able to step out of his body from time to time just for some silence. You will  still be able hear his thoughts; they just will not affect you emotionally like when you are inside your beloved. You can't go far, mind you. You will always be with him.  You can comfort him in spirit or in mind or by living through him. You are both here to help each other and he as well will be able to step just outside of the body while you live. I know it sounds complicated but the effect will be amazing."
 
I nod my head in understanding even though I am still a little confused. I look at her expectantly wanting to know who she is.
 
"I am  your spirit mother, Isis. You have been my child since the beginning of time. I love you so much, my son, and I want to see you live the life you have never truly been able to live, a full and complete life. Brian has never truly been able to live either. In each life when you have been taken from him, he has died inside each and every time; never being able to complete that void he feels in his heart mind and soul from the loss of you. The others who are with me are your guardians, gods, goddesses, angels, protectors, messengers, they are all here for you and Brian. All you need to do is call upon us and we are there for you. You may not see us, and at times you may lose all faith, but we are here."
 
I am startled when I hear Brian crying out in anguish. I turn and reach my hand out to him, to comfort him. I look to Isis. "Thank you, thank you for giving me this opportunity and for talking with me and explaining things. But I need to go, I need to let him know I am here.
 
She nods her head and smiles. "Yes, please go, be with your love. But before you go you need to know something. You will meet someone from your past today. He will change the dynamic between you and Brian. Please know this is supposed to happen; just follow your heart. He is someone from many of your lives, someone you need to find happiness, peace, love and then closure with. Most importantly Brian needs to find forgiveness in his heart, and find peace and love, and then closure with this man as well."
 
I am confused and I want to know more, but she whispers softly, "When you waken our memory will just be an essence. You will know we are with you. When the time is right you will know more. You will receive visions of guidance Now go, be with your love." 
 

*****
 

I know Brian is so lost and confused and that he is doubting everything that happen last night. Gently I rub his back and whisper, “It was never a lie; everything was real, more real than you can ever know. It was a beginning of a new life we will have together.”
 
I know it is difficult for him to believe the truth without proof. Without hesitation I step back inside of his body. I take a breath and enjoy the world  around me, teaching Brian how to love the simple things in life again. I smile as I speak through my lover. “Don’t think, Brian, just feel. Feel alive… Let's live and not waste another moment of time.” I know this is not going to be easy for either of us, but together I know we will persevere. I smile to myself as I glide my hand over the hood of the Jeep then make my way to the loft. I had forgotten how beautiful the world truly could be.

As I get to Brian's building and step out of the Jeep, I feel something sizzle through my spirit and I know something is about to happen to change everything as Brian and I know it. I see a cute doggy walk past and it is the first animal I have seen since  I have returned to this life. Aw, and what a cute doggy it is.  Then I see its owner. He too is handsome and there is something very familiar about him. I feel at ease and comfortable as we talk. I'm already looking forward to seeing him play his violin at the gay and lesbian center. I smile as I walk into the building, feeling a bounce in my step.

*****
 

 
As I reach  the door to the loft another vision pierces my thoughts. I gasp when I see the young man I just met, standing in a dreary concentration camp. He's thin and his clothes are dirty. On his chest are two symbols - a golden  Jewish star and a pink triangle. Ethan is quietly swaying from side to side playing a violin I cannot see. I then look down seeing that I am wearing  similar clothing, but only a pink triangle marks my chest. There is fear in my body and soul as I walk to him and I whisper hoarsely, "What are you doing?"
 
He smiles weakly but I can see it does not reach his eyes. Only pain touches his brown orbs. "He speaks softly. "I am playing my violin, it is so beautiful, Justin. Can't you hear it?"
 
"Ethan, you need to lay down. If they find you they will kill you."
 
He gulps heavily, "I am already dead, we are all already dead. I know we are not getting out of here alive and I want to enjoy my last breath." He looks over to the cot across the room where a man is lying  and I feel my heart tugging as I look between Ethan and the other man laying with his back to me. Slowly he rolls over and I can see his face. I know it's Brian and he is so thin, his facial features are so sunken in. I look back to Ethan and he closes his eyes as he breathes out. "I'm not stupid, Justin, I know he is your soul. I saw it the first day we got here."
 
His eyes plead with mine as he speaks with so much weariness in his tone. "Please my love, go lay down. Spend the last moments you can remembering him and let me die in my peace. He looks deep into my soul. I will always love you, now and forever. I just don't want you to die with me and to die in shame. Please go lay down and listen to the music."
 
"Ethan, please, I love you."
 
He shakes his head. "I Know you do, but I know you love him more. Please just go," he says harshly.
 
I go back and lay down on my cot and I am so fucking scared. I know what is going to happen. I have seen it time and time again. When I lay down I look to Ethan as he plays his invisible violin, and for the first time I can hear it. I look to Brian and I can see the fear and sadness in his eyes. His voice is very soft and raspy when he speaks to me. "Justin, please close your eyes."
 
I look to Ethan one last time and he seems so happy and content, playing his violin. I gulp heavily and listen to the  beautiful music before I whisper goodbye. When I close my eyes I hear a shot ring out in the darkness. My soul cries out when I feel warm liquid splatter on my face and I hear Ethan's body collapse. My heart clinches and all I want to do is scream, but I can't. The tears seep from my eyes. I can't bear to look to my best friend's lifeless body. Ethan was my best friend and lover for many years before we were sent here. I look over to Brian. His eyes are glistening with tears. He closes his eyes in pain, and whispers, "I am so sorry."
 
I whisper back, "Me too."
 
I close my eyes tightly as the memory begins to leave me. I gasp and then open my eyes. I am startled to see Brian lying in his bed crying and it dawns on me that I jumped out of his body while the memories came to me, so he did not see them. Slowly I walk into the loft and I make my way to the bed. I lay down next to him, letting go of my past memories, knowing that the most important thing in this world right now is Brian. I know he believes last night was a dream. Softly I caress his back and reassure him I am there. He is stubborn as always, but when he takes those silly boxers in his hand I know he believes, and I know we can move on together.
 

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