Fusion


Chapter 4 : All I Want Is You


 

A/N: When I first began to write this story I planned on it being completely in Brian’s POV, as though he is writing a book, his own life story. As I get further along I realize how complex this story is, and to be able to see the full picture and fully understand Brian’s current situation, I felt it was best to also add Justin's POV to the story, so it is able to flow more smoothly and that it will be easier for everyone to understand, including myself *wink*. Justin’s point of view will begin in the next chapter

Many Thanks to my amazing beta Thyme

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My mind begins to awake to the world around me even though my eyes are still closed tightly. All I can think about is my night with Justin and how amazing it was to be with him again. Then suddenly my conscious mind is aware of how fucking cold I am. I chuckle to myself remembering we fell asleep right after fucking and we were completely naked. I role over slightly and reach out for Justin. I pat the bed around me and realize I am not in bed. I feel around some more afraid to open my eyes, afraid to see where I really am.

I feel the cold ground beneath me. My hand hits something sharp. I draw back my hand with a short gasp of breath. Slowly I open my eyes. And I feel my whole world sinking around me My heart drops in to my stomach when I realize I am still in the graveyard, laying on the hard, cold, yellow grass. I sit up and see Justin's gravestone in front of me, and all I want to do is cry. I can feel the moist tears sliding down my cheek. I bow my head into the palms of my hand and release all my pain.

“Why, why would you fucking do this to me, make me think you're with me and then?! Then fuck.!”

I‘m not really mad at Justin. It‘s not his fault I had the most amazing dream of my adult life. A dream that feel so fucking real that I'm shocked it didn't happen. “How could it not be real?” I kneel down in front of Justin gravestone. “I don’t understand! You said you would never let me go. You said I was all you wanted ... all.” I stand up and I am so fucking angry. “It’s a lie its all a fucking lie. I hate you! I fucking hate you for making me love you. Don’t you know that all I have ever wanted was you?” I scream at the top of my lungs. “All I ever wanted was you!”

I am startled when I feel someone gently rubbing my back. I look behind me and no one is there. Yet I hear Justin in the depths of my mind whisper, “It was never a lie; everything was real, more real than you can ever know. It was a beginning of a new life we will have together.”

I shake my head and stand up knowing I must possibly be going insane. I look down at the gravestone seeing the letter Molly wrote. Hastily I pick it up and put it in my pocket. And then I am confused to realize I am wearing different clothes than I was when I got here last night. “Damn, I must have been really high not to remember what the fuck I was wearing.”

I close my eyes to try and comprehend everything that has happened in the last 24 hours, and why I am still standing here now when I would rather be dead. My heart aches and all I want to do is curl up in a ball and cry myself to sleep, and go back to the meadows where Justin took me.

I open my eyes and when I do, I feel an unusual surge of energy flow through me. A chill runs through my whole being and suddenly I am more happy than I have ever been. As I walk, I feel a bounce in my step. I am completely confused by what I am feeling, because it doesn't feel like me at all. In fact I feel like I am outside of my body, as someone else is controlling my emotions and body. I am just an outsider. I let myself feel these happy thoughts and emotions I have not felt since Justin passed away.

I close my eyes again I and I lift my head towards the sky, feeling the morning breeze and sun against my face. I reach my hand into the air like it has been years since I have felt anything more beautiful. Without hesitation and with complete freedom in my spirit I turn around in a circle smiling and laughing. And I wish I really could feel this happy, and I wonder why I am this happy. It makes no since to me. There is no reason for me to feel the way I am feeling now, especially how I felt moments earlier.

I feel my mouth open and words come out, yet I know I am not the one speaking them. “Don’t think, Brian, just feel. Feel alive… Let's live and not waste another moment of time.”

If I did not know better I would think I had taken drugs, because how I am feeling now is the happiest and highest I have ever felt. I walk out of the graveyard to my car. I glide my hand over the hood of the black jeep. My fingertips light up with excitement and all I can think is, this is mine? This vehicle is mine?! Wheeeeeee!. Quickly I open the door and jump inside. I slide my hands over the steering wheel and whistle as I think to myself that this is one fine automobile. I bet it is roomy enough to fuck in too. I turn around and look at the back seat. Yes! Yes indeed, it is big enough for that too. I can’t help but laugh out loud in glee.

I start the jeep and begin to head home when I realize how difficult it is to focus on driving. All I want to do, for the first time in many years is look at the beauty of the earth around me. The trees look amazing, bare, with a few dried leaves still lingering on the autumn branches. I roll down the window so I can feel the cool crisp air on my cheeks. Quickly I roll up the window again, realizing that it is just too fucking cold. I laugh to myself as I pull up in front of my building.

I get out of the jeep, and I can't help but bend down and pet the cute little beagle walking in front of me. I kneel on my knees and ruffle its fur and scratch behind his ears. “Hey there, handsome! Is a fine looking doggie like yourself wondering outside all by your lonesome?”

He looks at me with his dark brown eyes and pants a little bit then rubs his face again my hand and barks playfully.

I am startled when I hear a young man’s voice. “He’s not by his lonesome; he’s with me.”

I look up and see a good looking man standing next to me. I am stunned by the familiarity of him. I feel I have known him before, yet I have never seen him before. I am drawn into his deep brown eyes. His softly wavy brown hair glistens in the sunlight. I am startled out of my thoughts when I hear him speak. “His name is Benny.”

“Like, as in Benny Goodman?”

The young man smiles at me brightly. “Yeah, exactly like that.”

I pet Benny again. “Not only are you handsome but you're named after a brilliant musician.” I notice the young man is watching me intensely, and then he smiles. I start to feel a little uneasy so I ask. “What?”

He laughs softly. “I’m just amazed you knew he was named after Benny Goodman; not many people would have known that.”

“Well, I’m not like many people.”

“I can see that.” He holds out his hand. “Hi, I’m Ethan, Ethan Gold.”

I stand up and shake his hand. “I’m Just…” I shake my head and I am confused why I almost told him my name is Justin. I feel like I have absolutely no control of my emotions, or things that I am doing or saying. I smile at him. “I’m Brian, Just Brian.”

He smiles back and squeezes my hand affectionately. “Well, just Brian, it's nice to met you and I hope to see you around.”

I feel my cheeks slightly blush. “I hope to see you around too.” He begins to walk away with Benny at his heels when I notice he is holding a violin case. “You play?”

He lifts up his case. “Yes, since I was four, but now I get to do it for a living. I'm with the Pittsburgh symphony, and I have also toured with Yanni amongst other musicians.”

“That’s pretty impressive.”

He blushes slightly, yet I can see the arrogance and pride he has concerning his music. I can’t help but relate to him. He brushes his fingers over his brow, and I can tell he is deep in thought before he speaks. “Hey, I'm playing for a benefit at the Gay and Lesbian Center next Saturday. Maybe I’ll see you there?”

“I think, maybe.”

He nods his head, smiles, then waves before walking away with Benny in tow.

I smile and turn to walk into my building. There is a bounce in my step. Once I get inside, I run up the stairs to the loft. I feel so giddy and free. I open the loft door, and as soon as the door opens it feels like the life is completely sucked out of me. A gasp parts my lips, and I can barely breathe. Then the world around me spins. I close the door behind me and try to make my way to my bed ... unsteadily. My heart and soul is completely breaking and once again I feel like I did in the graveyard. I can’t believe I was just flirting with that Ethan guy when all I want, all I have ever wanted, was Justin.

Before collapsing on the bed I grab his picture. Laying down on the bed I hold it close and tight to my chest, as I let the tears fall once again. More than anything I wish he was here with me. My soul hurts so bad because that dream was so fucking real. There has to be some truth in my insanity. There is no other reason for it.

My whole body shakes and I feel like I am losing it. How could I be so distraught one moment then happier than I have ever been in my life. And seconds later I just suddenly return back to the depths of despair I felt earlier.

My chest clinches in sorrow. Slowly I begin to weep and mourn my Justin, knowing there is no way that we could ever be together again, that the dream has come and gone and there is nothing I can do but have that memory. And then I wonder why or how God can torture me like this. I lay on my side weeping and I feel it again, a hand gently rubbing my back, comforting me.

I hear Justin’s voice ever so softly in my mind. “Brian, reach out to the other pillow.” I know I must be crazy to listen to voices but I do it. I reach for the pillow. I do not feel anything or even know why I am listening to phantom voices. Suddenly I hear Justin yell in my head, “Sit the fuck up and look on the pillow.”

I growl out in misery. “ If I do, will you leave me the fuck alone?”
“Only if you stop feeling sorry for yourself and see the truth, see that I am here with you. It may not be how you want me here, but God damn it, I’m here, so sit up and look.”

I can't help but laugh. That is so Justin. So I do it. I mind the phantom Justin voice that has settled in my head. I sit the fuck up and look at the pillow. I am absolutely stunned and forlorn. With shaky hands I pick up the boxers I took off Justin last night in my dream. Those ridiculous Grinch-that-stole-Christmas boxers.

“It can’t possibly be,” I mutter under my breath in hope and disbelief.

I stay sitting up just holding them, wondering how it could be possible that I shared one of the most amazing nights of my life with Justin, with his ghost.

I feel his hand on top of mine, and I hear him in the depths of my mind. “I know it’s not logical nor does it make any fucking sense whatsoever, but it’s real."
 

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