Fusion


Chapter 2 : Meadows of Heaven

 

Nightwish: Song,
Meadows Of Heaven

I close my eyes
The lantern dies
The scent of awakening
Wild honey and dew

Childhood games
Woods and lakes
Streams of silver
Toys of olden days

Meadows of heaven
Meadows of heaven

The flowers of wonder
And the hidden treasures
In the meadow of life
My acre of heaven
A five-year-old winter heart
In a place called home
Sailing the waves of past

Meadows of heaven
Meadows of heaven
Meadows of heaven
Meadows of heaven

Rocking chair without a dreamer
A wooden swing without laughter
Sandbox without toy soldiers
Yuletide without the Flight

Dream bound for life

Flowers wither, treasures stay hidden
Until I see the 1st star of fall

I fall asleep
And see it all:
Mother's care
And color of the kites

Meadows of heaven

 

********
 

The cool crisp autumn air caresses my skin as I walk cautiously through the darkened cemetery with only a small flashlight to guide my path. It has been a long time since I’ve been here; much too long. I take in a deep breath and close my eyes for just a moment. I honestly don’t know why it has taken me so long to come see Justin. Maybe it’s because I know he is not truly here, that he is dead and in another place, but ever since I made that wish earlier tonight, I feel him so close, so close it actually hurts.

I make my way through the old twisted trees that appear to be reaching out to me in warning through the darkness. The smell of freshly dug dirt penetrates my nostrils and I almost gag from the stench, mostly because of what it represents. Someone is out there tonight grieving because they lost someone that they loved. I hold back the tears that settle in my lids and I am not sure how much longer I can bear this pain. I thought in time the pain would subside, instead it has festered and grown.

A gasp comes from my lips when I see his grave. It seems so desolate, so alone, except for a small envelope and a dried up daisy propped up against the tall stone marker. I know instantly that the letter is from his sweet little sister, Molly, who used to write to him every day. At first I felt so guilty reading them but as time went on I looked forward to seeing what she had to say. Often it was mostly how much she missed her brother. Other times it was silly stuff about her day, and girls she had crushes on. That always made me smile.

Sometimes her letters made me feel more than I wanted to, and it always pained me to read about her home life. It hurt to read about what she had to deal with, the pain she had in her heart, and the burdens she had to bear. What hurt the most was knowing that she was also being abused. How I longed to reach out to her, and let her know she was not alone, but I was afraid, because I knew in my heart I was the reason Justin was killed. I have always been burdened with that knowledge. I know it was technically not my fault, but if he had never met me, and we never had fallen in love, I know he would still be here now.

I am startled out of my thoughts when I hear someone talking softly. I shine my flashlight quickly around as I turn in a circle, to see who it is, and what crazy ass nut would be in the cemetery this late at night. I can’t see anyone, but a cold chill runs through my spine as I hear Justin’s familiar voice speaking ever so softly deep in my mind. “Have you ever thought I may have only lived as long as I did, because of you? Besides, you’re the only crazy ass nut out in the cemetery this late at night. I’m supposed to be here.”

My whole body stiffens. It can’t possibly be him. I must be really losing it, yet his voice sounds so clear. “Who’s there?” I call out, trying to not to let the panic show in my voice.

I hear his laugh, and God it sounds so beautiful. It has been so many years. I shake the thought from my head knowing I must be dreaming. I know this isn’t really happening, and then I hear his voice again.

“You know who it is, Big Guy! Who else would be crazy enough to talk to you in the middle of the night, in a fucking cemetery?!”

“It can’t possibly be...you can’t be…this can’t…no, this is a fucking trick!” I run my free hand through my tousled hair and I know I am stuttering and making no sense. I jump again when I hear his voice once more. This time it’s clearer.

“Why would I trick you, Brian?”

Shaking my head slightly I pinch the bridge of my nose. “I don’t know.”

“Listen to me. Are you listening?”

“Yes.”

“Hypothetically, let’s say someone makes a wish to be with the one person they love the most, and that wish came true.”

I look up expecting to see Justin in front of me because his voice is so clear. I’m startled to only see the shadows of trees through the darkness. “Why are you just a voice?”

He chuckles softly. “Am I?”

“Aren’t you?’

He sighs heavily. “I’m Justin. I’ve always been Justin.”

I stand my ground trying to convince myself that I feel brave, but in actuality I’m more freaked out than I have ever been in my life. The only way any of this can make sense is if I’m dreaming. “Okay then, show yourself to me, let me see you.”

“You really don’t want me to do that. You’re not dreaming Brian, I’m truly here with you. I know it’s hard to comprehend, but try to think outside the box and outside of what you know, then I can show myself to you.”

A bitter laugh parts from my lips. “You’re right. I don’t want to see you because then I would know I'm insane. I’m standing out here in the cold talking to myself and hearing imaginary voices. I would have to have myself committed for sure.” I quickly shine my light by the gravestone trying to capture the culprit who is fucking with my head. “How would you know what I want?”

“I know because I can feel you, Brian. I could always feel you, even here on the other side. Plus, I know you. Even when I was alive I knew you better than anyone else ever could. You are me, and I am you, and we are a part of each other…since the beginning of time. When we are together we are whole and complete. I know you better than you know yourself.” His voice is filled with so much love and sincerity, then he pauses for a moment and I can actually feel his spirit. At that moment I know he is looking deep into my soul, and then I begin to believe maybe this is reality.

He whispers softly, “Brian?”

“Yes?”

“Do you remember the first time we made love?”

My emotions begin to take over as I think of that beautiful afternoon we came together as one. We laid in a cove by the lake, secluded from the rest of the world. The light of the sun glistened through the trees, casting sunrays and shadows on Justin’s porcelain skin. He never looked more beautiful than he did that day. I let out a deep sigh and cleared my throat, trying to hold back my tears. I reply gruffly, “You mean the first time we fucked?”

He laughs with amusement. “Only you could say that about such a beautiful moment. Back then you weren’t as jaded as you are now. In fact, you said I was beautiful.” I feel his hand on my shoulder and I am shocked to also feel his cool breath against my cheek as he whispers in my ear. “You said I was beautiful, and that you loved me; that no one could ever tear us apart.”

“You were beautiful, and I was wrong because they did tear us apart.”

I feel a cool breeze riffle through my hair and then gently caress my face. “Brian, that is where you're wrong; if they had truly torn us apart we wouldn’t be together now.”

I shake my head, trying to wrap my thoughts around everything. “But we’re not together now. You’re dead and I'm alive.”

“Wrong again. You are alive, and I am alive because of you. I am alive in your heart, mind, soul and body.”

“Body? What do you mean Body?”

He chuckles softly. “Soon, my love. Soon you will understand.” I am confused, but I let it go for now as he continues to speak. “But it is too soon to talk of that, let’s remember what brought us to where we are now; what you said to me that day under the trees. You said I was your sun, earth, moon and stars.”

“For all eternity,” we say in unison, and I let out a sigh of contentment. I now know that it’s him in the depth of my soul. It’s frightening to believe that I am no longer alone, that he is with me now. I don’t know whether to be happy or scared. Suddenly I feel a strong fear for his soul.

He smiles gently. “You don’t have to fear for my soul, love. I am finally free, and I am here to help you along your way. I want to help you to also be free from the burdens of your life. It has pained me to see the sorrow you went through alone; never talking to anyone, never sharing with anyone about me. When you ached, I ached, when you did laugh, I laughed. I even cried when you cried. I have always been with you, Brian, in spirit. I have never left you.”

I swallow hard and my voice shakes ever so slightly. “I was always told there were no tears in heaven.” Suddenly like an imprint I can see him so clearly in my mind, and I can feel a gentle breeze against my cheek. I let out a deep breath and feel my heart tighten as the tears fall from my eyes. “This can’t be happening,” I whisper under my breath.

His words in my mind are as clear as if he is physically standing next to me. “It is happening, Brian. God, I have missed you so much. I wish I could truly feel you like I once did. And you’re right. For the most part, there are no tears in heaven, except for those rare occasions.”

“What rare occasion would that be?” I ask in wonder.

“There are tears when two souls who were created to be together since the beginning of time, are ripped apart. You are my true soulmate, Brian; my twin flame. Even though we are apart, we are closer than two people ever could be. Everyone has a soulmate, just not everyone is lucky enough to find them in each lifetime. And sometimes our soulmate is on the other side watching over us. I have always been with you from the beginning of time and for these last years I have been watching over you, guiding you, and protecting you the best I could.”

I feel my hands shaking as the blood drains from my face. All of this is too much. It all sounds so crazy.

“I know it seems crazy, but it’s true.”

“What the fuck?! You can read my thoughts? I mean you have this whole time but what the fuck? Why? Why are you doing this to me? I can’t carry this pain anymore. It's too much to bear. I know you’re with me, but it hurts, don’t you get that? It fucking hurts! I love you that much. I don’t know if I can handle this.”

“You no longer have to bear it on your own. From now on, I will carry you.”

Suddenly I feel extremely dizzy and I close my eyes when I feel myself falling. There is no pain, and I can hear him calling out to me. “Brian. Brian, open your eyes.” I look up to see him standing above me, and I gasp at his beauty. His whole body is shimmering in a white light and he is smiling from ear to ear. “Take my hand.”

I awed by the presence of him, and he is more handsome now than when we were young. He is the age he would have been if he was still alive. He is no longer a boy, but a man. Gently, I take hold of his hand and I feel his strength pour into me. He smiles at me and tenderly squeezes my hand. “You are my forever, Brian Kinney. I need you to trust me, and to have faith in us, no matter what comes our way. We will be together, and we will fight for each other, but I will not lie, there are trials ahead of us both, and we both have a lot to learn. Please remember that everything happens for a reason, no matter what the reason is. We will get through all of it together.”

I am so confused by his words because I still can’t comprehend how we can be together, but I am so thankful for this moment that I do have with him.

He smiles at me brightly. “Welcome to my home, Brian.”

For the first time I look past him and I feel chills running through my whole body. We are standing in a meadow. The color of the grass is a vibrant green, the sky is a mixture of so many colors of red, blue, green, and purple and I have never seen anything more breathtaking in my life. Everything shimmers with life. The flowers and trees seem to dance as they sway in the gentle breeze.

Justin leads me through the meadow and I feel as though I am in a dream. The sounds around me are so enchanting. I can hear the sounds of water flowing, and as we walk closer I see a creek with small walking stones.

Justin squeezes my hand and he laughs joyfully. “It is beautiful, isn’t it?”

“It is amazing,” I reply and then I realize that we are alone. “Is anyone else here?”

Justin shakes his head. “No one else comes here. This is our special place in heaven, just for us. I painted it many centuries ago for the man I love. This has always been a place we have come to be alone. Even in your dreams you have come here with me, but have never truly remembered it after you have awakened.”

“How could I not remember this? How could I not remember you?” I walk closer to him and gently touch his face with my hand, and I can see a tear glistening in his magnificent blue eyes. “How could I forget you?”

He lets out a small gasp and touches my lips. “You never truly forget me, but human minds and emotions are different than they are here. “I love you so much Brian.”

He moves a little closer. Wrapping his hand around the back of my neck, he draws me closer into a passionate kiss.
 

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