Eternity

Chapter 10

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Brian's POV

Stepping into the shower, I let the hot water flow down onto my lower back, easing the pain and kinks that have been bothering me. I smile when I hear the shower door open and Justin leans up against me placing his hands on my lower back rubbing gently. "Why didn't you wake me when you got home?"

I turn my head slightly. "You were sleeping and I didn't want to bother you."

"Mmm, I see." He rubs more intensely, kneading out the tension. Sometimes I wonder if Justin can feel me empathically, as I do him. I have never told Justin of my pains but he always knows when and how to soothe them.

Justin runs his hand up my back and shoulders and I cringe slightly as a spark of pain electrifies through my body

"Brian you're very tight, let's go in the bedroom and I'll loosen you up a bit." He wiggles his eyebrows at me and smirks when I give him a questioning look. "You naughty boy. I meant your back." He winks and leads me out of the steamy room.

Lying on my stomach Justin straddles my hips and pours massage oil on my back. I feel my nerves relax more and more. "So how did dress shopping go?"

"Emmett came to save the day. You should have seen the ghastly things Lindsay had picked out."

"I can only imagine," he says jokingly. "Tell me what else happened today."

I slowly roll onto my back. I need to be able to see his eyes when I tell him where Guinevere wants to go on her birthday. Laying the back of my head on my hands, I look up at him smugly. I try to put on my poker face and not let my emotions show. "Guess what just re-opened?"

He leans down kissing my nose. "The old porno shop on Liberty Avenue?"

I can't help but chuckle. "No, but interesting choice. Try again."

He rolls off me and onto his side resting his head on his hand. "Liberty baths re-opened?"

Playfully I ruffle his hair. "You have a one track mind. Try again."

"K-mart?"

"Way off, but good try. Do you give up?" He nods his head yes. "You remember that old roller rink?"

Before I can finish, an odd expression crosses his face. "No shit?" He clears his throat as he stands to pull his sweatpants on. "I wonder why they re-opened that shit hole?"

I raise my brow in amusement and decide to play with him a bit. "Wow, shit hole, huh? What happened to you there?"

He shakes his head and I can see he is remembering that day we met, so many years ago. His eyes are haunted with doubt and remorse. "Nothing, I just was never good at skating is all."

"Well, we'll have to practice because that's where Gwen wants to go on her birthday." He smiles but I can tell it's fake. "Don't worry Sunshine, I'll hold you up."

Justin laughs nervously. "You skate?"

"Mmm, I was told I was pretty good back in the day," I say tongue in cheek

"Well this I've got to see." Justin watches me intensely for a moment then gulps heavily; "Brian can I ask you a question?"

I can feel my hands get cold and clammy dreading the question. Nervously I reach over, grab a cigarette, and light it. "Okay, but I can't promise I can give you an answer," I say nonchalantly, shrugging my shoulders.

He nods in understanding. "Brian, I've been thinking a lot lately, and I know we both have pasts we don't talk about. If you don't want to answer, I'll understand. Today when I did the painting of my first it was nothing I had planned on doing. I just want you to know that I never wanted to hurt you by throwing an ex-lover in your face. It's just that something about him is so familiar. Sometimes when I look at you it subconsciously brings everything back and I don't understand why. I guess my question is was there someone when you were a teenager? Someone that you may have loved or had feelings for that changed your life considerably? Someone that you think about even to this day?"

Justin looks so nervous asking and I know how much it took him to do so. Part of me wants to make a joke and run away from the question so I do. "Well, there was this one time at band camp." I smirk at him while exhaling the smoke from my lungs.

He looks at me strangely then bursts out laughing. "Oh my God, Brian, I have always wanted to use that line but it never fit. Your clever, but smart-ass comment won't do. Now seriously, answer the question."

Leaning forward, I take another drag and raise my brow putting the cigarette out. I know I'm stalling but I'm not ready to answer. I lay back on the bed feeling his eyes piercing into my soul and I feel an ache in my chest having to admit it. "Yeah."

Justin lies on his side facing me. "Was he your first?"

Resting my head on my hand I move even closer. "Kind of."

Justin kisses me gently. "Explain."

I flop onto my back. "Shit, Justin, don't you think I've said enough? I had a momentary lapse in judgment is all it was. My past, it is no big fucking deal." I feel my anger rising and I'm not sure why I am so irate at him. Maybe because I really don't want to face the truth or tell him for that matter.

He falls back on the bed. "Okay. I'm sorry, Brian, I didn't mean to intrude." Justin sits up on the bed and is about to stand. I quickly grab his arm, desperately wanting him to stay. Wanting to tell him everything, but I hold back. He looks at me questioningly and before I know it the words tumble from my lips. "Fuck! Justin I...shit! I've had many men. I lost my virginity at fourteen so there wasn't much I hadn't done by then. This guy was different. I think I was sixteen, maybe seventeen. He was a virgin and it was the most amazing fuck I had ever had. With him, it was more than a fuck. I was so young, but I felt we really had a connection."

Justin looked at me with questions in his eyes and he whispered. "What happened? Did you tell him how you felt?"

I feel the sadness whirling inside me for the kid I once was. For that innocent kid Justin was. Sure, after many years, we came back to each other but I wonder at what cost? Because I can no longer love like he wants me too. I take a big gulp and look into the eyes that drew me in so many years ago. "I never had the chance. I asked him his name and…" I trail off.

"And what? Was it…did you ..?"

"Shit Justin! I can't believe I am telling you this," I growl, my voice slowly elevating. "Okay, no, he never told me his name. I asked and he never told me and it crushed me." Taking a deep breath, I decide to bare my soul. Something I never do and I'm not sure why I am choosing now to do so. Part of me wants him to know how much he changed my life. I want to hurt him like he hurt me. I want to love him like he loved me. I feel so confused. "Justin, I did not have an easy childhood. For a moment I had hope that something good had come my way, that this man could be the one. I was so young and stupid to even think anyone could erase my pain. In that split moment when he did not answer, it changed my life. It changed the way I saw the world. He was the first and the last guy that I ever asked his name and he walked away."

I see the sadness and clarity boiling in Justin's sapphire orbs. "Brian, I was the last guy you asked his name," he whispers.

Getting off the bed I look down at him. I can feel my body shaking. "Exactly. You were the first, Justin. You were always my first," I spit out in fear and hope. "And my fucking last. You are and always will be my Sunshine!" I run my hand through my hair and our eyes meet. He looks so vulnerable and confused. I want to take him in my arms but I can't bring myself to do it. I'm so scared of who I am and what I know. I quickly put on my clothes and walk to the door grabbing my keys.

"Brian!" He pleads desperately. "But that would mean…oh my God…my first…was you."

Before I leave I look at him, wanting to give him everything of my soul. "You were my first Justin, but I am no longer that man you once loved. I don't know if I could ever be him again."

I watch as the tears of recognition fall from his eyes and he whispers. "Brian, I'm sorry. I never meant to hurt you, I want you. I don't want who I thought you were. I love who you are now."

I grab a bottle of Jim Bean and turning, look at him one last time. "You can't have me." I walk out of the loft slamming the door, leaving Justin alone with his thoughts.

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By the time I reach Mikey's house I am shaking and cold. I can feel the shock running through my system and I take a swig of Jim Beam. I knock nervously on my best friend's door. Mikey won't judge me. He is the only one who will listen and not try to…shit, I know that's not true. He'll tell me I am full of shit and that I should get my head out of my ass. Taking another gulp of the alcohol, it burns down my throat and I gasp from the intensity.

I knock again and slightly lose my balance not realizing how tipsy I have really become. When no one answers I bang harder. "Michael, you there? Fuck! Mikey, open the fucking door!" I cry out desperately. I can't remember a time when I have felt weaker."

I lean my head against the door and almost fall in when it opens. "Shit dude, you're smashed." Hunter's voice breaks through my cloudy haze.

He catches me when I stumble. "Hey kid." When I look at him I see double. "Is your dad home?"

"What the fuck happened to you?"

"Shit kid, go get your fucking dad. This is not twenty questions," I slur and he jumps. "Scared little fucker," I mumble when he walks away.

Michael runs downstairs. "Brian, what the fuck?"

In moments I am in his embrace and I feel my tears finally escaping me. He leads me upstairs to the guestroom, takes off my shoes and then lays me down on the bed. I chuckle, then slur, "You're a good friend Mikey."

He crawls up on the bed next to me and speaks softly. "You want to tell me what's going on?"

I sit up smiling from ear to ear as the tears stream down my face. "I found him, Mikey. I found him and now…now I fucked it all up." I flop back down on the bed even more confused than I was a moment ago.

"Found who?"

"The one."

Michael looks at me like I have just grown a second head. "You're just now realizing this, Brian?" You must have known for a while that Justin is the one. We all see how you look at him."

I choke back my emotions. "Listen to me, Michael. Are you listening?"

"Yeah."

"Remember back in high school? That trick I had the connection with? The one who blew me off? We kind of hooked up again and it felt right." I shrug my shoulders, not letting Mikey in on every detail

"Fuck!" he exclaims and I can see the worry in his eyes. "What are you going to do?"

"I don't know." I can hear my voice trembling. "I think I really fucked things up with Justin," I sit up and drop my head in my hands. "I know you have never heard me say this and I can only tell you because you are my best friend. I look directly into Michael's eyes and see his trust and friendship encouraging me to speak. "I love him, Mikey," I whisper softly.

Michael gasps then becomes stern. "Then what the fuck are you doing here confessing your love for him to me? You should be home, Brian, with Justin, telling him how you feel." I have never see Mikey so worked up before. His voice is so strong with emotion. "Forget about that trick from your past and go home to Justin."

I am so confused and I stifle a sob that tries to escape from my throat. "Mikey, the trick…well he's not really a trick. I found out tonight or well earlier today that it was Justin." I stand up and the alcohol rushes through my body making me stumble. Mikey helps me sit back down again.

His mouths hangs open in shock. "Holy shit! How did that happen?!"

"He was working on a painting when I got home." I pause to take a deep breath and look into my best friend's wide brown eyes. "It was me. Mikey, he was doing a painting of me when I was like sixteen. Shit, I looked so different back then. Remember the black hair and the green contacts?" I huff out a laugh as my friend embraces me chuckling.

"You were still beautiful, even when you where trying to be all tough shit. That's not what's important now. What's important is Justin. Why don't I take you home so you can confess your undying love to him? You two are perfect for each other."

I take another swig of Jim Beam. "No, I'm not ready. I need to think for a while and he needs to think too."

Michael helps me back up into bed, nuzzles close and kisses me on the cheek. "I'm glad it was Justin.

"Me too." Laying my head down, I drift to sleep.

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When I wake up I'm a little disoriented. I look around the room and notice I'm at Mikey's. "Fuck!" I feel myself on the brink of tears remembering everything that happened last night. I know I fucking ruined everything between Justin and myself. I try to sit up and then I feel something heavy on my chest. "Fuck! Mikey, wake the fuck up and get off me." I hear him chuckling and I realize that it's not Michael. "What the fuck?"

My heart aches as Justin looks up at me with his intense blue eyes. He is smiling brightly. "Mikey, huh? Is there something I need to know about you two?" He raises his brow and smirks playfully.

"No," my voice sounds raspy in my own ears and he grins more.

"I love your morning voice, it's so sexy." He buries his head into my neck.

I am happy he is here yet at the same time I am a bit annoyed with both Mikey and Justin. "What the fuck are you doing here?"

Justin straddles my hips and leans into my ear. "I'm not going to let you go, ever. Now you fucking deal with that or we are going to have some issues. I am too old to play high school games got it?"

"Got it," I reply dryly

Justin kisses me passionately and then whispers. "Michael called me and said you wanted to confess to me your undying love or something along those lines." He grins from ear to ear.

That little shit! "Michael!" I scream.

"Don't be so rash with him. He was only looking after you, plus he didn't tell me anything I didn't already know." He smirks and kisses me again.

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