Chapter 1

Author's Notes: Thank you Blondrunner for beta-ing this story for me and also for your encouragement and support while writing this story. I appreciate it so much.

Another thank you goes out to my dear friend who shares my common interest in BDSM. She has been a wonderful support in helping me along my journey in writing this.... You know who you are, babe... Lots of love to you!

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Emily Watson's POV

My awareness of the world around me seems so heightened that I gasp softly as the hot water flows over my skin, reveling in the satisfaction of that slight pain. Tears drift from my eyes and I am glad that I am in the shower by myself. This is the one place I can feel safe, within these acoustic walls that I know will hold all of my secrets. When I turn off the water I feel the reality of my life and world coming back to me. The voices of my children screaming and arguing in the background pound within my head. Grumbling to myself I step out of the shower, and I remember to pick up the vibrator that gave me sexual release only moments before. I fold it carefully in a towel and set the now hidden object on the counter.

The warm mist still lingers in the room with me and I feel that somehow the shower is still trying to protect me from my own insecurities and fears. Carefully I wipe away the mist on the mirror and I am startled by my own reflection. Sometimes I forget what I look like, and standing there naked without any makeup or clothing I feel so plain, so simple. My heart aches as I notice that my slender, well shaped body of my youth is gone and has now been replaced with a heavier version of my former self. Red, swollen eyes stare back at me and I watch in the mirror as I glide my hands over my naked damp body. I wish I could feel comfortable in this body, but I don't. I feel like no one could love me. Fuck, why would anyone want an overweight woman who is too busy in life to really take care of herself like she should. Hastily, I cover my face with my hands as I weep uncontrollably.

I am drawn out of my thoughts when I hear a knock on my bathroom door. I clear my throat and try to hold back my emotions. " I'll be out in a moment."

I hear my daughter's concerned voice piercing through the door, asking, " Mommy, are you okay?"

" Yeah baby, I'm fine."

"But I heard you crying."

"It's okay baby. I just stubbed my toe but I'll be fine."

" Are you sure?"

"Yeah, I'm sure. Have you done your homework?"

" No."

I chuckle softly . "Well you had better or daddy will use his angry voice."

She screeches playfully, " Oh no, I don't want that!"

"Well, then you had better go and do your homework or mommy will have to use her angry voice too and put you in time out."

Stephanie says nothing and all I hear are her little feet padding away from the door. I look back into the mirror. I hate the fact that I just lied to my little girl, but I cannot tell her the truth. I cannot let her know how much I hate and despise myself, how I feel trapped and lost in my own mind.

I sigh heavily and then put my nightgown and panties on. Before I leave the bathroom I grab the folded towel and make my way to my bedroom. Tears well in my eyes again as I look down at my sleeping husband. I sigh and shake my head in dissatisfaction. He has been in bed all day, while I have worked the night before and then been up all day so I could care for the kids. I worry because I see him getting sucked into his own depression and I feel so fucking helpless. I know he gets lonely sometimes, but I don't think he has any idea how much he expects of me. I really hate being the sole provider for our household while he stays home. I know he is disabled , but I feel so alone and wish he would help out more. Every time I ask for help the conversation goes to hell in a handbasket. I know he feels sad because he wants to do more. I know he wants to work, but he also feels trapped in this world that is created around us and our own insecurities.

I step on his mattress that is laying on the floor and put the towel on the top shelf of the closet. I am startled when I feel Galen touch my leg gently. It's been so long since he has touched me in any way and for some reason his touch burns, making me so fucking angry inside that I feel as if I am going to explode.

His gentle voice pierces through my soul and I can hear the concern.  "Honey, what's wrong?"

"I'm fucking fine!" I reply hastily. I step off his mattress and crawl into my own bed that is laying on the floor next to his. I lay down, covering myself and turning my back to him. I have already come to regret my harsh tone, but I can't take it anymore. This life has become so fucking predictable. I want more from my life. I want more from him. I hate being responsible for everything. He helps and he is a great father, but I miss his touch, his love. It's been months since we have made love and I often wonder if it's me, if he finds my body as disgusting as I do.

My nerves grind together when I hear Galen yell for Stephanie to come into our room. I close my eyes tightly, just waiting for his complaints and I am startled when he whispers very softly "Stephanie, go give mommy a hug. She's having a sad day and needs some love."

I hear the smile in her voice as she says, " Okay daddy."

Stephanie crawls on my bed, wrapping her small arms around me. She kisses me on the cheek and whispers, " I love you, mommy. I think you're so beautiful!"

I smile to myself though my tears. Gently, I pat her hand that is now on my shoulder. "Thank you, Baby, Mommy has to go to sleep now."

"Okay, night, night, I love you."

" I love you too."

I hear her small feet leave the room and as I surrender to my own misery once again, I am startled to feel my husband move closer to me, wrapping his arms around me. "Honey, what's wrong?"

I shake my head, not wanting to talk about it. He strokes my cheek gently with his hand and I feel myself leaning into his touch, the touch that I have not felt in such a long time. I close my eyes tightly, trying not to cry, and before I know it I hear myself whimpering. " I'm fat and ugly and everyone hates me."

Galen spoons up behind me even closer. " You know that's fucking bullshit. I love you. You're the most beautiful woman I know and you're not fat, you're healthy."

I laugh bitterly. " You're so full of shit."

"Maybe so, but you love my shit."

Carefully I turn over and I am startled with how caring and concerned Galen is. His crystal blue eyes pierce my soul and instantly I want to look away, but I don't. I clear my throat and hesitate for a moment before I speak. " If you think I'm so beautiful, why don't you touch me anymore?"

Softly he caresses the side of my face. " I do not want to disappoint you."

I can see the unshed tear in his eyes. " Galen?"

He clears his throat. " Do you have any idea how hard or shall I say not so hard it is for me. I can't keep an erection long enough to satisfy you and I hate that I can't make love to my wife."

"I know that bothers you but you can see a doctor about that. "

He shakes his head and speaks sharply. " That's not an option. I am not going to a doctor about that!" Gently, he caresses my arm and speaks to me in a tender voice. "I just want you to know that I love you, and the reason why I do not touch you as much as you would like is not because I don't love you or that I don't find you attractive. I find you to be so beautiful - in fact, when we go out I am proud to have you as my wife and show you off. I just don't want to touch you and then not be able to deliver."

I stop his words with a kiss. "I love you." Then I bury my head into his chest, thankful for the moment we are having now, wishing I knew how to fix us, wishing that I was able to tell him the deepest desires of my heart. It's not just about sex. I miss our intimacy that we once shared when we were younger, not only physically, but also mentally. Softly, I weep into his chest, trying to figure out a way to bring us closer, because I am afraid of losing him, losing us.

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