Absolution

Chapter 9

*** Warning references to child abuse***

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Brian's POV

I walk out of my bedroom and shut the door tightly behind me. Closing my eyes I lean against the wall and replay Justin's words in my mind, "Now go see Mommy Dearest." I can feel the pressure around my sinuses building with stress. I know he was teasing but there was more truth to it than he could ever know.

I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders as I think back to my youth. A single tear escapes my eye and then I feel my mother watching me and it makes me cringe. I hate the lies and this facade of pretending my mother is some pious and godly woman.

She moves forward and touches her hand on my forehead; "Brian you should go lay down on the sofa and watch movies with me. You don't look well."

"Mother I'm not in the mood for a movie," I snap.

She wrinkles her brow at me and huffs, "I brought movies and I want to watch them."

I am irked to feel myself caving in; "What did you bring?"

She rifles through her bag of movies; "I have 'Weekend at Bernie's 1 and 2', 'What about Bob', 'Mr. mom'..."

She rambles on some other titles and I feel anger rising in me. I let out a growl and she seems stunned; "Mom I hate those movies you know that. I've seen them so many times I think I am going to vomit."

"Well then let's go out to the movies."

I stare at her dumbfounded; "Mother I already told you I'm not feeling well. What makes you think I want to go out?"

Her face tightens; "You'll feel better if you go out, you don't get out enough. You need to find a lady friend," there is a wicked glint in her eyes; "so who were you talking to in your room?"

I'm so pissed at her right now that even thinking of ruining what Justin and I shared is completely out of my head and all I can see is fire aimed at her. "You barge in to my home wanting to know who I am talking to in my own room? That's a bunch of crap and you know it! Who would I have in my room? I don't date; I've never had a girlfriend. Your question is ridiculous to say the least."

She shakes her head in disappointment, pursing her lips and scrunching up her nose in disgust; "Brian you know where liars go and you're a youth minister so you should know better."

My voice raises; "Jesus Christ Mother if you're talking about liars going to Hell you should have been there years ago. Oh that's right you don't lie do you? Stretching the truth is not lying is it? It doesn't hurt to just add more to what's really going on right? Well that's a bunch of shit! Go check my room and see for yourself!" I hold my breath as I reach over to open the bedroom door.

I sigh in relief when she huffs away from me and starts grabbing her things; "How dare you talk to your Mother that way! When did you start using such language? God would not be proud of you. I don't deserve to be treated like this!"

I can't help but laugh; "Oh yes and he would be so proud of you." I walk to my front door and open it; "Get out of my house Mother Dearest," I say with a hint of sarcasm.

Stepping out the door she turns and looks at me with a glare in her eyes; "How dare you call me that! Do you do remember what happened the last time you called me that?"

Stepping away I smirk at my mother; "Oh I remember, I remember it well. I was 16 years old and stupid. We got into a fight and you grabbed a hanger of all things. It was a plastic hanger and you pulled me down the hall by my hair and began beating me with the thing until it broke hurting your own hand." She looks at me horrified and I laugh at her discomfort.

She places her hands defiantly upon her hips, "That is not exactly what happened."

"Oh of course not cause you're always right and can do no wrong, but of all things to copy; someone else's form of abuse? That was so cliche of you Mother. Not using wire but plastic; classic very classic." I give her an evil glare.

"You are not acting like the man of God I raised."

I let out a sarcastic laugh; "No you're right I'm not. I am acting like the bitter, cold asshole I should have always been considering the abuse you put me through as a child." I slam the door hard and feel the vibration under my feet.

As I let everything I just said sink in a smirk spreads across my face and surprisingly I feel better. Releasing that anger I have held for so long has done wonders for healing my spirit. I lean up against my door and laugh at the irony of the events in my life.

I see Justin shyly peek his head out the bedroom door; "Brian are you ok?"

Walking over to him with pure determination I engulf him in a deep, passionate embrace, ravishing his lush lips. Pulling apart I look into his concerned eyes, "never been better."

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Brian's POV Later That Day

After Justin has to leave I find myself alone with my thoughts. I gaze at the painting he gave me last night and feel my heart warm. I take it to my room and hang it close to my bed so it's the last thing I see at night and the first thing I will see when I wake up. A bit of sunshine to help me through my days. The more I look at the painting the more confident I feel about who I am now, although less confident about who I once was. I grab my Bible and notebook and regretfully head to church to work on tomorrow's service.

Usually the verses flow through me and I know what God wants me to say. Today I feel nothing and know nothing. Everything around me feels dead. I tap my pencil on the desk and wrack my subconscious mind seeking anything that will resemble my religion or my faith. Has everything I ever believed in been a lie? I try to feel God's presence and it's not there. In fact I wonder if it has ever been there. All I see is darkness and I realize my God has abandoned me.

The pain of this realization hits me in the chest and an overwhelming sensation of uncertainty smothers me. I lean back in my chair and close my eyes tilting my head in prayer making myself equal to god instead of below him as we are taught to be. Still feeling the void I continue to meditate

I hear a light knocking on my door and look up to see an older man with graying hair and of medium build and I can't help but smile; "Pastor Jacob how are you this afternoon?"

He smiles back at me and walks into the office; "Hello Brian, I'm fine thanks." He playfully taps the notebook, "Preparing for tomorrow's service I see."

"Trying to."

"Trying?" He lets out a bellowing laugh, "Well I declare Brian you have a bit of The Bible block."

Raising a sarcastic brow, I have to ask about it; "Bible block?"

"Yes," he lets out another chuckle, "the verses are not coming to you and you feel lost and dismayed. You must have something big on your mind." He stands up gesturing for me to follow him; "come on Brian let's grab a bite to eat and we can talk." Nodding my head I join him in the small kitchen.

He pats me on the shoulder and smiles; "Sit my boy, I'll make us some sandwiches."

"Thank you."

I feel uneasiness in my spirit when Jacob smiles at me. It seems forced and not one of the genuine smiles I am used to from the older man. As I watch him more closely I see a difference in his body language as well. He has always been so kind to me and treated me more like a son than an employee. I can honestly say he is my father figure, but I don't think I have ever met the man I am seeing right now. His mannerisms seem arrogant and manipulative. I feel a cold chill run through me as I quickly shake my head and look again. No mistake, it's still there.

"Now my boy tell me what's the matter. I could tell when you came in today that something is troubling you."

For the first time I feel I can't confide in him and that hurts so I test the waters just a bit, "Let's just say life does not always go as planned."

He hands me a sandwich, chips and tea sitting down across from me; "that my boy is an understatement, but I know what you mean."

I let out a nervous laugh, still not quite understanding why he is being so different with me. Or is it that I am different now? Clearing my throat I continue; "I ran in to an old friend yesterday."

I see his ears perk up; "Oh?" He leans in to hear clearer; "A lady friend perhaps?"

A red light goes off in my head and I have a feeling my mother is behind this. I straighten my posture then lean back in my chair allowing a slightly cocky expression on my face; "Why would you ask that?"

He has a cat who ate the canary look on his own face; "I'm sorry Brian I must have read your expression wrong today. Even though you are troubled by something you still look you have been bitten by the love bug."

"Really?" I allow the sarcasm to drip from each word as I lean forward and speak; "Talk to Joan lately?"

His eyes widen; "Brian yes, I did speak with her late this morning. She was genuinely concerned about you."

"Ha! Yes I'm sure she was concerned about condemning me for things she knows nothing about," I get up slightly pushing the table.

Jacob takes hold of my hand as I rise; "Dear boy I'm sorry. I did not mean to upset you. What she told me I had concerns about too and wanted to make sure all was ok." Curiosity gets the best of me as I sit back down.

"What did she tell you?"

Jacob squirms in his chair uncomfortably then looks me straight in the eyes; "Brian I know you're a young man with needs. I was young once too. The temptation is very strong even more so since you have made a big commitment to do God's work. Satan plays on all our weaknesses."

Leaning back in my chair I am upset and amused that he never really answered my question so I just listen carefully to every word.

"As men of God and of the church we need to be careful of our actions. We are who people look up to as role models of the church."

"I am no one's role model and I never wanted to be. I chose to do this because it was a passion in my heart to help others, not to be above others. Now please cut the crap and tell me what Mother told you."

He clears his throat and looks at me icily; "Ok Brian we will 'cut the crap' as you say. She said that when she entered your home this morning that she heard noises coming from you bedroom door that sounded sexual."

A slight smile plays on my lips when I think of the morning Justin and I shared, nothing can take it away from me, not my mother or Jacob.

"Jacob I understand your concern, but I guarantee I am a big boy and I know the difference between right and wrong. Yes I met someone that I care about dearly. I am not sure what my mother claims she heard, but I do know what goes on in my home or in my room is between me and God and no one else. The thing that I find troubling is you know how my mother is Jacob. You know her deceiving ways yet you believed her lies. Why is that?"

The guilt spread across his face, "Brian I am so sorry. I never meant to assume. You're right I do know better. I just wanted to make sure is all," then a smile spread across his lips; "so you met someone. I am happy for you. How did you meet?"

I relax a bit talking about Justin, being careful of what I say; "We met in the park."

" What does she do? Is she in school, working?"

I feel a bit uncomfortable with all the she questions, but I'm not ready to reveal that the person I care deeply for is a man. Jacob would not approve so I play the game. It's not a lie if they make you lie is it? "In college, PIFA actually."

"Oh, an artist nice, nice. Is she a Christian?"

"No."

I hear a slight gasp from Jacob; "Brian you need to find a good Christian woman. We are men of God and the foundation of our families. We cannot be unevenly yoked." I just stare at him amazed, wondering where I have been all these years. Yes I know it and have even said it myself, but I don't believe or agree with this way of thinking.

Raising my brow I stand up; "If we are done now I have a sermon to prepare for."

As I head out the door I hear him say; "Brian just pray about it."

I smile to myself, I will and I have. As I walk out of the kitchen I decide I need to leave the church.

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