Absolution

Chapter 8

***Warnings: References to child abuse and violence***

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Brian's POV

Justin holds me close and brushes his fingers through my shaggy hair as I lay with my head on his chest. The movement stops and his breathing becomes shallow underneath me and I realize he is asleep. I am alone with my thoughts and my mind is whirling out of control. My body is content and sated, but I feel a headache coming on.

Carefully I move out of Justin's tight embrace being careful not to wake him. I stand by the bed and watch my lover. He looks so peaceful while he sleeps. I have never slept well or felt at ease enough to be as free as him. I put my robe back on and walk to the dresser pinching out the flame of the candle with my fingers. I leave the room closing the door quietly behind me.

The living room and kitchen are dark and there is only the glow of the streetlight outside to guide my path. I sit on my sofa drawing my legs up and place my head wistfully upon my knees. Here I have the loveliest man in the world next door and I can't get past my past. I want him and need him so desperately but he is everything I have always been warned against.

I can hear my mother's voice screaming at me in my mind; "You're a bad boy. You have been evil, indulging in homosexual sex. You're going to Hell Brian. You will burn in a lake of fire for eternity!"

I rock my body back and forth trying to tune her out; "Stop! Stop!" I hear myself yelling as I hold both hands to my head and scream at the top of my lungs losing my grasp on reality, "shut up! Stop it!"

I can see my mother pointing to a tree outside my childhood home; "you've been bad again!" She screams at me; "now go pick a switch off that tree for your discipline."

"No Mother no, I'm good, I swear I haven't done anything wrong." I can feel the burn of the switch on my tender skin.

Suddenly Justin sits down next to me and enfolds me in his arms. He gently touches my face; "Brian, you are good. You're the kindest man I have ever known;" Justin's voice soothes me.

I can't look up and face him. I wonder if I am truly good. What I have just done with him is considered a sin in the eyes of my church yet I have never felt more alive. My mind is so conflicted as I think of my young congregation and how they look up to me. I know they will not understand this. I'm so scared the elders will consider me a sexual predator just because I prefer men over women. This is my fear and I believe it is the one of the many things that has truly held me back from embracing my true self. I would never harm anyone but I know what these people would think. I can't stand being the center of the gossip and lies that I see so often in church.

I begin analyzing the church and congregation and realize how much pressure they put on me to be an example yet they continue to live their lives exactly how they want. I have counseled young people in my church about drugs, drinking, pornography and pre marital sex. I don't ever think any less of them. Why is it fair that they should think less of me?

We have all fallen short of the glory of God. What makes what I have done so bad or disgusting? Then I realize I am looking at this in the point of view of the church that is made up of humans who are sinful by nature. I am not looking at this from the perspective of God who created all things, who forgives us and loves each and every one of us.

Justin's soothing words and touch shake me out of my thoughts and I lean into his warm hand. I realize I am learning to accept myself for the first time. His contact is so genuine as I let myself indulge in his embrace. He gently leans in and kisses my forehead.

"I'm sorry I woke you."

He caresses my cheek and looks into my eyes; "there's no need to apologize Brian. Besides I woke up when you left the bed. I just thought you needed time to think so I pretended to stay asleep." He winks at me then smiles encouragingly, "would you like to talk about it?"

I swallow my emotions; "not really," my voice is raspy. Justin tenderly takes a hold of my hand interlinking our fingers.

He looks deep within my soul, compassionately tracing his thumb under my tired and worn eyes; "you look tired Brian. Why don't you come back to bed?"

"Justin I can't do this." I see the disappointment in his eyes as sadness spreads across his face.

He looks directly into my eyes; "I'll go then," his voice shakes as he turns his head away from me.

I softly touch his chin with my finger turning him to look back into my eyes. I clasp his hand tightly in mine; "You didn't let me finish," I whisper, kissing him lightly on the lips. "I can't do this in the spare room. I need you with me in my room." A smile caresses his face as he follows me to my room

As I close the door darkness surrounds us and for the first time in a long time I feel completely safe in the shadows. I lean Justin back against the door and rest my forehead against his; "Justin it's hard for me to talk about my past," he caresses my back making me feel more at ease. "The last couple of days I've been having memories and realizing things from my childhood."

My face grows red with anger when I think of the things my mother put us through. I let out a nervous laugh and Justin's warm breath on my face comforts me as I speak of my pain. "My mother was physically and mentally abusive to my sister and me. Even now as a grown man she still knows how to get to me. I wonder how this God I preach about and serve could let me live like that. She calls herself a Christian but her actions say otherwise." Justin leans his head against my chest and I feel his moist tears.

"I wish I had an answer Brian, I don't understand Christianity to be honest with you. I respect you in your faith and I see you are truly devoted, but I have seen so many hypocrites that it's hard for me to believe in it myself. I do know that shit happens and people make it happen. God did not let these things happen Brian, your mother did. You were young and very impressionable and she wanted to create a person she could manipulate and keep close because she is so afraid of being alone."

A shocked laugh escapes me; "you've never even met her and you have her so pegged."

Justin cups his hands over my face; "I'm sorry for what you went through Brian. No child should go through that. I know our relationship is hard for you," gently he places his hands in mine and guides me through the dark room to the bed. He lies down behind me spooning my body close to his as he runs gentle hands through my hair. "Brian as much as I want us to make love now, it doesn't feel right knowing that you are in such turmoil," he softly rubs my back and kisses my neck until I drift off to sleep, safe in his arms.

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When I wake up I am disoriented as I take in my surroundings. I wonder for a brief moment how I got back in my bed, and then I remember the events of the previous night. I roll over to face the beautiful man I shared the evening with and find that I'm alone. I let out a sigh and try not to let my emotions get the best of me when I feel that the sheets are cold. My heart hurts and I wonder why Justin's not here. Did I scare him away by freaking out last night? That is the only thing I do regret about last night. I let my mother get the best of me, even if it was only in my mind I still let her do it.

I sit on the edge of the bed and run my hands through my shaggy hair; "Fuck!" I'm stunned when I say it because I never use that word. Then I smile to myself as I decide it's rather liberating and I see why Justin says it. As I rub my hands over my face I decide to face my day, no matter how much my heart may ache. I stand up and straighten my crooked robe.

As I open the bedroom door I hear music playing softly. I lean against the doorframe and see Justin in the kitchen cooking. A smile creeps over my face as I realize I was worried over nothing. I sneak up behind him and snake my arm around his belly kissing his neck. He lets out a contented moan and chuckles.

I speak softly into his ear; "Good morning sunshine."

He turns around in my arms giving me a quick kiss on the lips; "Good morning," he smiles brightly.

I nod my head towards the music; "You're listening to Morrissey?" Then I look to the oven; "and cooking breakfast?"

There's a sparkle in his eyes; "Mm hmm."

I pull him in tight; "Are you trying to make me fall in love with you?"

Throwing his head back he laughs playfully; "Is it working?"

I caress his face gently with my hand; "It might be." I smile at my lover and bend down to cover his lips with mine.

Justin wraps his arms around my neck deepening our kiss and when it ends his eyes grow serious. "Brian, I'm glad you're with me now," he looks down for a moment then back at me. "When I woke this morning I was worried that you wouldn't want me. That you would regret what happened and turn away from me.

I place both my hands on his face and lean my forehead onto his; "I was afraid of that too. When I woke up and you where gone my heart ached." He gently moves his hips closer to mine and I smile down at him. I let my fingers wander to the waistband of his sweats as he leans in and begins kissing my chest. "I was afraid you left me, that you thought I wasn't worth the trouble because I have too much baggage."

He lets out a tearful laugh; "You're worth it." He kisses my neck; "You are more than worth it."

He looks up into my eyes smiling; "I am in awe of you. I think you are very brave."

Blushing from his compliment I rest my head on his shoulder and find comfort in his touch.

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Justin's POV

I smile at the romantic gesture as Brian lays out a blanket and we sit on the floor feeding each other breakfast as we talk and laugh. The haunted look in his eyes has vanished and he seems stronger and more confident this morning.

He gives me a quick kiss and smiles, "What are your plans for today?"

I feel an uneasiness in the pit of my stomach as I clear my throat; "I need to go get the rest of my things today while Ethan is out playing on the street corner. Then go see Daphne, she has no idea what's been going on these last couple of days." I cup my hand under his chin; "she is going to love you. That is when you feel comfortable enough to meet her. I understand that we need to keep things under the under the wire."

Pushing the plates out of the way Brian pulls me on top of him; "I would love to meet her." He kisses me passionately and as I run my fingers through his hair I can feel his erection starting to build beneath me.

Brian's heart is pounding heavily and I know I need this; "Brian?"

"Hmm?" He looks at me with eyes full of lust.

"Brian I want you to make love to me. I need to feel you inside me more than anything."

He has a shocked expression on his face; "Justin I thought that you..."

I stop his words with a kiss; "Brian we need to be equals." I feel the emotions well up in me as my voice shakes; "I don't want you to ever resent me. I need you fully, completely and that includes feeling you inside me and me being inside you. No tops or bottoms with us; we are equals. If that's what you want."

His Hazel orbs look deep into my soul as he stands up and helps me to my feet. He smiles giving me a carefree kiss as he takes my hand and leads me to the bedroom closing the door behind him. I hear the click of the lock and raise my brow questioning the sound. He just smiles with no explanation as he pulls me into a sensual kiss. My whole body tingles as our tongues interweave, groping each other fervently. Brian guides me backward to the bed never breaking our kiss he lays me down carefully and I feel his hair tickle my face. He pulls away slightly and I let out a small chuckle. He smiles at me with such desire before he devours my lips again.

Brian makes sure I am ready for him with delicate care. My body quivers as I help him on with the condom and feel him slowly guide his cock inside me. Our moans linger as our bodies melt into each other again. He is so beautiful as he cums; it takes my breath away and my own climax suddenly overtakes me. Brian falls upon my chest panting as he gazes into my eyes.

"Jesus Brian, that was amazing."

He lets out an embarrassed laugh ducking his head onto my chest kissing it gently; "Thanks.".

He moans in protest as he pulls out of me. I rest my head on my arms and watch him. He seems so natural about everything. He takes off the condom and discards it as he begins kissing me. We soon lose touch with reality again as we consume each other.

I am suddenly jolted back when I hear someone knocking on the door. I hear the voice of a woman; "Brian are you ok? I heard you moaning. Are you sick?"

Brian's eyes become wide with fear. He whispers in a shaky voice; "It's my mom."

He watches me intensely and I feel my own fear for him take over.

"I'm feeling a little under the weather mom, I'll be right out," he calls, his skin is pale as beads of sweat begin to form on his brow and he gasps for breath.

I touch his arm tenderly and speak in a hushed tone; "I'll stay in here Brian. It will be ok, she won't even know I'm here."

He shakes his head as his panic grows; "She'll know, they'll all know!"

The pain twists inside me as I watch my lover's turmoil. "How will they know Brian?"

Brian sits up on the bed combing his fingers through his hair; "I don't know, but they will. It's just my bad luck. Every time I do something not by the doctrine everyone finds out."

I climb up behind him and hold him securely; "Brian trust me when I tell you that it will be ok. We will get through this together. I won't lie to you. It's going to be scary," I hear my own voice weaken, "even I'm scared." I playfully squeeze his side; "now go see Mommy Dearest."

He turns giving me a smirk and a quiet laugh; "Hide the wire coat hangers will you?" Brian winks and then gets dressed and heads out to his mother.

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