Absolution

Chapter 6

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Justin's POV

After Brian closes the door I lean up against the wall. I think of what an unusual day it has been today. Turning my head I look at his door and am reminded of the man I am now head over heels for. I know I'm standing here stalling, wishing I could stay here and not have to go home to Ethan. Taking in a deep breath I let out a sigh. A heart is going to be broken; most likely mine.

My thoughts are interrupted by a soft female voice; "Justin?" Before I can answer she has me in a hug

"Ruby? It's so good to see you." I have to admit I am stunned that this is the same Ruby who is friends with Brian. I met her last year in my pottery class.

"You too Justin. What are you doing in this neck of the woods?"

I point to Brian door, "just visiting a friend."

A smile spreads on her face; " I didn't know you and Brian were friends."

I know I have a grin plastered on my face. "Yeah he's a great guy," I take her hand in mine squeezing it in a friendly manor; " I better let you go, I know Brian is expecting you. You startled us with your ecstatic phone message." A sweet smile crosses her lips and she gives me a knowing look. Damn she knows me too well. I bet I already outed Brian and did not even mean to. "Be easy on him Ruby, he's had a trying week."

She pulls me into another hug. "I will Hon. Keep in touch and come by and see me sometime. I live down stairs."

We say our good-byes and I make my long emotional trip home. I step outside and enjoy the night breeze letting the stars guide me home. I lose myself in the universe around me trying to block out what is to come. As I stand outside my door a lump forms in my chest and I lean my head against the dry, aging wood. My tears fall and depression is now sinking in. I take in a deep breath and hold it, then open the door. A small, orange nightlight is the only thing illuminating the shadows. I wonder where the small lamp is. He always leaves the lamp on if I'm gone too long.

"Justin is that you?" God I feel awful. Ethan's voice sounds full of worry and sadness. I stand at the edge of the bed watching him. His face is full of pain. I see no anger, just hurt and confusion. He pulls down the blankets for me to get in. Slowly I strip down to my briefs feeling naked in more ways than one as I lay down facing him. I know he can see the pain in my eyes because it is reflected in his as well.

"Justin are you ok?" All I can do is nod my head yes as he cups my face in his hands kissing me gently. "I was so worried about you. I love you Justin Taylor." My tears catch in my throat as he kisses me again and I let him make love to me one last time knowing that we both need this for closure.

I watch him as he delicately moves in and out of me. Every inch of him strokes me, reminding me of the music we once made together. I momentarily doubt my decision, but then I see those beautiful hazel eyes in my mind and I know I only really have one choice. I just wish this was not so hard.

After Ethan makes love to me I feel his hand trailing up my back and goose bumps form on my spine. Why now? Why after all this time does he have to show me how we once were? Yet still his touch is nothing compared to Brian's. It's just enough to confuse me. He kisses my back and spine as his hand caresses me with small circles. He's whispering over and over, "I love you, I love you," my heart is caving in. I wish with all my being I loved him like he does me but I never will. I don't think I ever really have. I don't want to hurt him but I can't live a lie anymore.

I'm silent with every word of devotion he speaks to me. I see the tension as he begins to pull away. His eyes are watering where a coldness resides. He distances himself sitting at the edge of the bed. His voice cracks as he speaks; "you're leaving me aren't you?"

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Ethan's POV

Lying alone in our cold bed I am overwhelmed with images from our past. A couple months after his bashing Justin became very restless and frustrated with his disability. I realize now I was at fault by being overprotective and pushing too hard. He found comfort in drugs, alcohol and tricking. I was so desperate to keep him that I smothered him even more. One night it was so bad my jealousy overtook me and I called him a whore. God I called the one man I loved more than anything a whore when in fact I was tricking as well.

I should have been there for him on his terms not mine. He was scared and I nagged him. He felt so alone and I just found myself resenting him. Somehow we got through the tough times and things seemed better until the last couple of months. He's fading from me and my love can't hold him any longer. I don't know what I will do without my muse. Curling on the bed I lose myself in every thought, every memory, every moment I had with him. After tossing and turning for a few hours I finally decide to get up.

I grab my violin in haste taking out my aggression with every ministration of sound, after about 20 minutes I am exhausted and wondering where my love has run to. Frustration is still rising in me I can see all those nameless tricks and it angers me. I bet he is out getting fucked by some other guy, or worse falling in love with someone else. "God!" The heat is rising through my body; I just want to hurt something or someone. After all we have been through how could this have happed to us? I grab the small lamp next to our bed and throw it as hard as I can against the wall, shattering it to pieces. I am in a complete haze as I back up against the wall and slide down onto the cold floor.

I feel ashamed of how I let my anger get out of control. I worry that it's possible I could have hurt Justin. Is this who I have been all along? Is this why he is fading from me and the twinkle has left his eyes? I would never want to hurt him. I try to hold back my tears but it's useless and I cry desperately as I clean the mess of the lamp, ridding any evidence of my anger, I then crawl back into bed shivering until sleep overtakes me.

I'm awakened to the creaking of the old wooden door. I can't see very well since the lamp is now gone. I call out into the darkness and hear the pain in my voice that sleep was not able vanquish. "Justin is that you?" He stands at the edge of the bed and I see the guilt pouring through him. I try to comfort him by pulling the blankets down, encouraging him to lie next to me. He sinks down watching me, I now can see he is gone from me. Justin is no longer mine. My heart is breaking and I feel the need to show him, remind him what we once were. I ask if he is ok. He nods his head yes. I can read him; he is any thing but ok

Justin's body language lets me know he is giving himself to me one last time tonight. I can see it in his soul. He is giving me his body but his spirit is no longer mine. After I pull out I feel I am losing a part of myself. I run my hands over his back and he quivers under my touch. I wish we could have back our innocence, like it was before the bashing; everything was perfect then. I know he is thinking the same thing. He's been tearful throughout our lovemaking and I wish I could make everything up to him. I tell him over and over how much I love him. He's not responding. God he's not saying anything back. I feel panicked that he no longer feels for me what I still feel so strongly for him. The pain is gripping my heart.

I have to distance myself from him. If I don't I'm afraid I might hurt him, like I did our lamp. I would never forgive myself if I caused him any pain. Finally I pull my wits together; "you're leaving me aren't you?"

Justin crawls up behind me and brings me in close. "I don't know what to say. I can't do this any longer." His tears are moist on my shoulder and I cringe as I hear him say the one thing I never wanted to hear. "Ethan I met someone else. Someone who treats me as an equal. I can't live the way we have been anymore. I will always care about you; you will always have a part of my heart."

I pull out of his embrace hastily, I am so afraid I am going to hurt him. "Fuck you Justin! Fuck you! How could you do this after all that we've been through? Then you have the nerve to make love to me? After you've shared your love with another man? You think I didn't taste him on you? Like I tasted all your tricks? How could you do this to me again? I thought we got past all that. Fuck you!" He tries to tell me all they did was kiss but I don't care. The closer he gets to me the more angry I get.

He screams back at me; "fuck you too Ethan. I wasn't the only one tricking. You have never treated me the same since the bashing. You call me a fucking whore or remind me of my mistakes every chance you get! You always have to be the top in this relationship, treating me like a child, watching every move I make. You are always acting like I'm going to break; how can something already broken break again? I'm tired of being belittled and being in a relationship that is falling apart."

He grabs a hold of my shoulders and the flames in his eyes burn fire into my soul. He is squeezing so tight there is a tinge of pain running down my arms. I can see the pain in his own face as his bad hand grips me even tighter. "Do you have any fucking clue what I have been through?" He pushes me up against the wall I have never seen him so angry. He leans in and whispers, "Fuck you Ethan. Fuck you."

The tears are flowing freely from him. He's breaking apart in front of me and I realize what I have done to him. He's right, I haven't treated him fairly. Limply he falls into my chest, his tears muffled against my skin as I embrace him tightly. We release all our anger and fear. I also release all the hope I had for us. I have to let him go. I whisper in his ear; "Justin I will always love you. I'm so sorry. I never meant to treat you unfairly. I was just so scared of losing you."

Looking into my eyes he puts his hand on my cheek, "Ethan, you did so much for me. You helped me regain my art and I will always be grateful to you for that. I never meant to hurt you but I have been hurting for years." He gets up and gets dressed, grabbing some of his belongings. Then Justin walks out of the door and out of my life.

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