Absolution

Chapter 5

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Justin's POV

I feel awful. How could I have been so rash with him? This is all so new to him. God have I forgotten already what it was like and the hell people put me through? Fuck! The cramping in my hand reminds me every day but right now I feel like a selfish prick. I would never wish that kind of pain on Brian.

I gently kiss his face and touch his cheek. I feel the spark we share and as much as I want and need him I refuse to let him lose everything because of me. He buries his head into my neck and chokes out a tearful laugh, "For someone who says sorry is bullshit you say sorry an awful lot."

"I only say sorry when I mean it," I respond when he lifts his head to look at me, "I shouldn't have yelled at you. I'm really angry with myself right now. I should have ended it with Ethan a long time ago. I don't want you to feel in any way responsible for splitting us up because you're not." I see the realization and relief in his eyes as he sees the truth to my words. "Brian," I continue trying with all my being to put my feelings into my words, "I don't want you to lose everything," I feel the emotion well up in my chest and stick in my throat as I turn away from him. I can't stop the tears that well up in my eyes.

Brian gently turns me back to face him, "Justin please don't look away. I need to know what you're thinking."

Letting out a sigh I answer, "Brian I told you, I don't want you to lose everything because of me. I just can't do that to you."

He places a hand over my heart and a shiver runs through me. A slight smile spreads across his face as he leans in and softly brushes my ear with his lips. "The thought of losing everything is the most frightening thing I could ever imagine, but losing you is unimaginable." His voice is husky and quivering with each word spoken, "I could not stand a single moment without you with me. Losing everything is a risk worth taking as long as I have you."

He brushes his soft lips against my neck and a moan escapes from me as he leaves a trail of kisses from my neck to my chin. I can feel his tears mixed in with the sweet kisses he is leaving on my skin. I take his hand in mine; "I want to be with you more than anything in this world." Brian looks into my eyes with passion, then hesitates for a moment before he covers my lips with his own in a passionate kiss. All of a sudden I hear him gasp and I can feel more of his tears against my cheek. I pull away slightly and wipe the tears from his eyes; "Brian are you okay?"

"I think I will be, I've never felt so happy and so scared all at the same time."

I put my hand on his shoulder and search his eyes, "what scares you the most?"

His mood seems to change and I can feel him distance himself from me. He pulls away from our embrace and folds his hands in his lap as he looks out into the dark night. He takes breath and lets it out. When he turns to look at me the pain in his eyes feels oppressive. Finally he gathers himself and answers my question.

"My mother," he slumps resting his head in to his hands. "My whole life it has always been about her. She is the most selfish, egotistical person I know. It's like she's two different people. The controlling, domineering person I see and the kind and understanding person she is with everyone else. When I was younger I always feared going home. I liked my mom outside of home but when the door closed she was wicked. If I ever did anything she didn't approve of she would tell me I was going to hell. She told me if I ever drank, had premarital sex or did any sort of drug that God would punish me. I loved fantasy books growing up but I was told they are the works of the devil so I couldn't read them. Dungeons and dragons was unholy, and all mystical things were evil." Brian cocks his head to look at me, "loving someone of the same sex was an abomination. It seemed that this God that I loved so much and worshiped, thought everything I loved was evil. Did that mean I was evil?"

"Brian no," I interrupt him, horrified by what he is telling me. "You can't possibly believe that about yourself."

He gives me a sardonic smile and continues his story; "so now here I am a product of my parent's creation. My mother tried to put the fear of God in us in sadistic ways. She woke my sister and I in the middle of the night screaming about demons and evil in the house. She would drag us out of bed by our hair and make us get on our knees to pray. I never felt any darkness or evil in our house, only fear of her. After we prayed she would shove a pencil in my hand and make me draw a cross on the side panel of my bedroom door. She said if God saw the cross he would protect me, otherwise I would go to hell when I died."

His whole body is shaking as he relives his past. I lay a hand back; "you should never have been subjected to such torment. Your mother was wrong. I believe God is a lot more loving than people give him credit for. You're not evil Brian; you are the most genuine person I have ever met. You're loving and kind and you care about people when there are so many who don't give a shit. Today you saw Debbie and came clean about a regret in your past; that alone says a lot about you as a person." I put my hand on his and spoke softly, "I am falling for you Brian Kinney," I entwine our fingers, "I agree you are a product of your parent's creation, but you can change that and I want to help you one step at a time."

He looks at me bewildered, "what is step one? I don't even know where to start."

I squeeze his hand in mine and hold our hands up showing our interlinked fingers, "this is step one."

He blushes; "I think I like step one." He smiles at me; "I made another step today before I came here."

I am intrigued by his dazzling smile, "Oh what would that be?"

He has a sheepish grin on his face; "I went and saw Mikey." I give him a quick kiss on the lips. He turns his head smiling.

"How did it go?"

"I was freaked at first, I thought he was going to hate me, but after I explained everything it was like old times but better because I was no longer hiding." I caress his hand and I'm happy that he seems content. "Justin I'm glad you came into my life. I'm not sure of what's going to happen next; especially with my job."

"Brian don't jump of the cliff just yet, take it one day at a time. No one needs to know right now. You will know when you are ready to cut those ties, if ever. Until then you have Michael, Deb and me to talk to. Believe me I know how difficult this is for you. I've been there.

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Brian's POV

I am so thankful for his support and I am so relieved we are back on track. Though something that Justin said is not sitting right with me. I'm not sure if I'm ready to know his past but if I don't find out we will never grow as a couple. Taking hold of his hand gently I look deep into his being, "Justin I need to ask you something,"

I can see he is wrapping a protective shield around his emotions before I even ask, "Ok," he says hesitantly.

"I want you to be completely honest with me. I don't want us to have any secrets." I can see the reservation in his eyes. "Nothing you say can shock me, I'm not as feeble as I come across. I saw the pain in your eyes when you said I could never love a whore like you." The agony is plain on his face; "Justin no matter what is in your past I could never think less of you. We can help each other heal from our pasts."

Justin stood up and nodded his head in agreement as he extended his hand out to me. His voice barely above a whisper; "come with me Brian." I easily slid my hand into his as we walk in the dark silence for what seems like an eternity.

"Justin where are we going?" As I look up at the building before us and realize it's my apartment I give him a questioning look.

"I want this to be the beginning of everything I've never had. To be able to tell you the truth I need to be able to tell you that you are my beginning. When I saw you in the park I felt a change in the winds."

He leads me inside and up the stairs and I smell the scent of fresh paint as we draw near to my apartment. His hand is gripping mine intensely as I look down at my door and see Justin's soul staring at me. Through a single painted canvas I know everything about him; the rawness of his emotions, his passion and the delicacy he will handle our growing intimacy.

I take the note down and read it several times. He gets on his toes and whispers in my ear; "you are for now and always going to be the only man for me. No matter what you decide even after what I tell you tonight; even if feel you need to turn your back on me. In my eyes you will always be the only one."

I pick up the canvas with care and lead us into my home where I lay the painting gently on my counter. When I turn I see him nervously tapping a pack of cigarettes on his wrist. I lead him outside to my patio letting him know it's OK to smoke in front of me. Without saying a word I put an ashtray in front of him. He gives me a shocked smile and I can't help but laugh.

"My best friend Ruby smokes," I relay casually

He light his cigarette and starts to pace aimlessly and I can see the restlessness in his body and spirit. I walk up behind him and lightly rub his shoulders and he relaxes into the touch. "Justin please tell me what you're hiding."

He sighs heavily and lets out a painful laugh. "After my bashing I had a very hard time coping with reality. My whole family coddled me like a child. Even Ethan did it and I began to resent him and everyone around me. I even resented my best friend Daphne, who honestly was the only one who never treated me differently. I hated myself so I took it out on everyone around me. I couldn't draw because of my gimp hand, I was having nightmares; basically I was a mess. One night while I was at Babylon I found my new source of pain management." I see him reliving his pain as he flexes his right hand. I lead him to sit down and continue to rub his neck and shoulders. He lightly moans at my ministrations and leans his head back to release the smoke from his lungs before he continues his story.

"Every night I would get drugged and drunk off my ass, fuck my brains out in the backroom of Babylon. Sometimes it was just blowjobs but the only thing that mattered was that I was in control and on top. I can't even remember all their faces. The mixture of drugs, alcohol and orgasms helped me feel sane when in all actuality my life was spinning out of control." Justin turns and pulls me down into the chair next to him. "Brian I have never met someone like you who is so pure and innocent. You're so clean and untouched, I hate to taint you with my past."

I place my hand on his cheek smile to reassure him; "Justin we all deserve a fresh start. You have given me one and I want to do the same for you. I don't want to look at your past as a fault. It has made you the strong man you are now and I like that man." The smile he gives me is so bright it practically beams. He puts out his cig and jumps into my lap kissing me playfully. I feel a smile creping onto my own face as we bask in the newness of our fresh beginning. I'm not sure how long we hold each other, time seems to be standing still.

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Justin's POV

Sitting on Brian's lap I feel him becoming aroused and I can't help but smile as he blushes. I kiss him deeply and he reaches around to hold me closer, brushing his arm against my own growing erection. He ducks his head in embarrassment as his cheeks turning even redder and he lets out a nervous chuckle. I straddle his hips and put both my hands on his face, pulling him in close. We both gasp as our kisses become intense.

He pulls away breathless; "Justin I think we should stop." His hard cock is pressed firmly against my ass and I find it hard to break away, but I nod in agreement. As I try to get up he desperately pulls me back devouring my lips wantonly. My heart beats rapidly as his hands caress my hips and thighs. Then he moves them to my back and kneads his fingers into my skin. I find myself doing the same. He lets out a moan and I feel his hand lightly touching my cock, grinding my ass onto his groin.

I respond with a moan of my own; "God Brian, your touch feels so good, but we need to stop." I try to be the voice of reason but then he's squeezing my cock through the thin material of my pants. "Fuck we've got to stop," I try again, but as soon as the words leave my mouth I pull him closer and deepen our kiss.

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Brian's POV

I have never felt so much hunger. His touch feels so right. I know I need to stop but I can't. Everything about him is drawing me in closer. I am losing myself in him. Everything I have ever believed is drowned out by our sea of passion. I feel my face flush and I know he is trying to talk sense into both of us but my body is not paying attention. I lick his neck, nibbling on his ear as his body continues to move against mine seductively. I have never felt this kind of pleasure. Our tongues entwine as he runs his hands over my chest taking time to caress each nipple. He unbuttons my shirt and his warm tongue licks down my neck, then chest, following the same path as his hands.

Justin and I are startled back into reality as we hear a woman's excited voice. He jumps off me then we bust up laughing when we realize it's just the answering machine. When I listen closely I realize it's Ruby. Reluctantly I pull away from his embrace. "I need to answer that; it's my best friend."

He smiles and kisses me on the cheek, "understand. I should go home anyway."

I walk Justin to the door and he smiles softly as he kisses me gently on the lips; "later."

"Later."

I laugh when I replay the message and hear a frantic Ruby; "oh my Gosh Brian, I was at your apartment. Where are you and who is the painting from? Do you have a girlfriend? Why have you not told me? Hello? Brian, shoot, pick up the phone. I need to know."

I sit down on the sofa and contemplate what I am going to tell my best friend. I think she would be understanding and I know she has friends who are gay. She is very accepting of them, but this is different. Hesitantly I pick up the phone and call getting her answering machine. 'Ruby it's Brian just get over here and I will explain everything to you." I know she is on her way because she lives just downstairs. I can hear the pounding of her feet on the steps. When they stop and I hear voices I assume she found a neighbor to chat with. A couple minutes later she knocks on the door, but as usual barges in before I can even get there to open it.

She looks adorable as always in a red velvet renaissance style peasant dress. Her long black hair is elegant against her pale skin. She smiles big; "so you going to tell me who she is? I mean this is a momentous occasion, I've never known you to have a romantic affair." She falls on the sofa kicking up her feet.

"Hello to you too Ruby. How was your day? Did you have a nice run over?" Walking to the fridge I grab two waters handing her one. I open mine and down half the bottle.

She gives me a stern look; "you're stalling Kinney." I sit down next to her and look into her honest, green eyes and for the first time I wonder if I can trust her.

"Ruby I really don't know where to begin. I met someone who has sent my world into a spin. I haven't told you 'cause it's all so new." I feel my legs twitching and I am unable to sit still so I stand and start pacing.

"My God Brian, you're a nervous wreck." She stands up putting her hand on my shoulder trying to relax me; "Brian what's wrong?" Her voice is tender, but I am so scared and nervous I put my hand behind my neck and feel a cold sweat chilling through my bones. She looks into the depth of my soul; "Brian I'm your best friend, you can tell me anything and I will still love you no matter what. Even if you said you were an alien from some freaked out planet where all they wear is bright pink tutus and all had tie-dyed antlers I would still love you."

I can help but laugh. I can always count on Ruby to come up with the most bizarre scenarios. Despite her reassurance I still can feel my body shaking, trying to hold back my emotions with no luck. "Ruby if I tell you this my whole world is going to change. You can't tell anyone. You have to promise me."

She takes both my hands in hers squeezing them tightly, "I promise Brian."

I nod my head knowing I can trust her. "Ruby my whole life I have been different and I have been hiding who I really am. I am scared for the truth to surface but I met this young man who helped me see who I am." There is a sparkle in Ruby's eyes as she smiles at me. "I'm gay. I always have been and now I don't know what to do." I collapse in her arms and she leads me to the sofa to sit down.

She combs my hair with her fingertips; "Brian it's OK. You will get through this. You are a brave man to even tell me. I thank you for that. To put you at ease I already knew."

I bolt up straight and face her; "What!?" My voice weakens, "how did you know?"

She lifts up my chin looking me in the eyes; "I just knew. I am proud of you for realizing who you are and admitting it. I will stand beside you no matter what Brian. You won't lose me, I promise you that. I see a new spark in your spirit so I know you're on the right path."

"Thank you," I smile with tears in my eyes. I'm so lucky to have Ruby in my life.

"You"re very welcome my dear. So when do I get to meet Prince Charming?"

"You just missed him."

A big smile spreads across her face; "Justin? Is that who your prince charming is?"

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