Absolution

Chapter 4

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Brian's POV

As I sit on my couch thinking of Justin everything I have just done starts to sink in. I stand quickly as if to escape the mess I'm making of my life, "Lord what have I done?"

All my strength leaves me and I sink to the floor sitting with my knees pulled up to my chest. I know I will be an abomination to almost everyone in my life if I let this continue, but I don't want to let him go. Everything around me seems so surreal. Suddenly scenes from my past start flashing before my eyes and words of others echo in my head.

When I was 16 my father strolled back into my life bringing my two half-brothers and sister. I adored them; they were so hurt and scared not understanding why their mother would leave them all to live with another man. I knew only too well why she would leave my father, I just wish she would have taken the kids with her. My own mother took pity on him. The guilt of being divorced weighed heavily on her and for that reason I think she would have taken him back flaws and all.

She let them stay with us tell he was able to get afloat. One night Mikey was over he was very upset about some kids at school threatening him. We often slept in the same bed holding each other. It was nothing vulgar or wrong we where just very comfortable in our friendship. He had fallen asleep in my arms I looked down at him, his body so restful in slumber, I wiped a strand of hair from his face he looked so amazing to me. He was my first crush I just watched him for a long time, lightly I kissed his forehead.

Of course my drunken father chose that moment to barge into my room. When he saw us his jaw hit the floor then his fist hit my night stand shattering glass figurines all over the floor. "Joan!" He yelled, his face purple with rage, "get the fuck in here now and get a load of your fucking faggot son."

Michael and I cowered in the bed as he waited for my mother to arrive. When she moved into the doorway all she could do was stand and stare as my father berated her.

"Explain this," he pointed to me and Michael, who despite his fear was still holding me tightly. "Your son's a fucking faggot. How in the fuck did you let that happen?"

I felt Mikey's body tremble with fear, but he refused to let go of me, stroking my hair to offer comfort. He screwed up his courage and addressed my raging father, "What the fuck is your problem? Why are you barging into your son's room without knocking? He's not gay, I was upset about something and he was comforting me. We're best friends and that's all you homophobic prick!" Michael spat as he got out of bed. I remember how adorable he looked in his Captain Astro pajamas and also how ashamed I felt for thinking that way.

I emerge from my memory feeling my legs start to cramp in their current position. I realize I have tears on my face when I think of how even when we were kids Mikey had protected me; knew that I had to hide who I was from my parents. I know now that I can't hide anymore. Getting off the floor I wipe my tears and call the Liberty Diner to get the address for Mikey's comic book store. I can hear the smile in Deb's voice as she gives it to me.

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I'm standing outside the shop and I can see my old friend inside. He's just as handsome as I remember. I feel my emotions overcome me and I turn to walk away. I am not ready to do this yet. I am almost to my car at the curb when I hear a familiar voice, filled with awe, "Brian? Is that you?"

I turn around to see my best friend. He seems tense. I finally answer him, "yeah, Mikey, it's me."

"What are you doing here?" His voice cracks as he speaks.

I step toward him with caution, my hands behind my back. "I just came by to tell you that I was sorry; you know, for everything back then."

His eyes widen and a slight smile creeps onto his face; "really?"

"Yeah really." I grin back feeling more at ease.

He seems to relax, "would you like to talk?" He asks eagerly.

Suddenly I feel shy as I look down at the ground and shuffle my feet, "I would love to if you don't mind."

He laughs a little and looks at me fondly; "you still shuffle your feet when you're nervous."

I'm touched that he remembers but also a bit embarrassed.

We walk into his store and he leads me back to his office where we sit down.

"Why now after all these years Brian?" His voice is kind but I can still hear a bit of resentment and I don't blame him.

I clear my throat and lean forward with my elbows on my knees as I rest my head in my hands. I debate with myself whether I am ready to explain everything to him but I need to talk to someone. "I met someone who I feel very strongly about. He has helped me realize after all these years that I can't hide from my sexuality any longer. For the first time I feel brave enough to express who I am, but I'm so scared. To be honest there is no reason why I didn't apologize to you sooner. You were my best friend and I wronged you but I was afraid of being outed. All I can say is I'm so sorry." As my tears begin to fall he pulls me into his embrace just like when we were kids.

He whispers in my ear "thank you Brian. It's OK now, thank you," He is caressing my hair and it feels so familiar and comforting.

I pull back and clear my throat, wiping my eyes with the tissue he hands me, "does this mean you forgive me?"

His smile is so warm, "yes; I forgive you, you dork." His eyes turn serious and he takes my hands in his; "Brian does this man make you happy?"

I feel myself blush, "yes but we haven't known each other very long and he's in a relationship. Things are very complicated. I want to be with him but I'm not ready to come out to my family or..." I laugh bitterly, "my job. I'll lose my job Michael."

He looked at me stunned; "Why?"

I fidget in my seat and shrug my shoulders as I look at him sheepishly, "Because I am a youth minister."

He breaks into a fit of hysterical laughter.

I cross my arms with a playful pout; "it's not funny."

"Oh come on Brian, it's funnier than shit, admit it."

When I think about it from his perspective it is pretty funny. His laughter is infectious and soon we are both doubled over. We are startled when we hear someone clearing their throat.

A tall, handsome man is leaning up against the door frame observing us. Michael flies into his arms giving him a passionate kiss. When they break apart he asks, "Ben! When did you get back?"

The strong man picks Mikey up in a tight bear hug as he hums contentedly. Mikey is laughing as Ben sets him back down with a huge grin on his face. "I just got back an hour ago. I Missed you baby."

"I missed you too." They kiss again.

"So you going to tell me who your friend is?" Ben asks curiously.

Michael looks embarrassed, "oh jeez, I am so sorry. Ben this is Brian. Remember when I told you about him? He's my best friend from high school."

Ben beams as he shakes my hand. "It's a pleasure to finally meet you Brian." I know I must have a shocked look on my face because Ben chuckles quietly. "Don't worry, most of what he told me was good. As for the bad part; well it looks like you two have worked that out." He pats me on the back, "welcome back."

"Thank you." I reply with a smile of my own.

Ben is nice enough to handle the store for Mikey so he and I can catch up. We talk until well after dark. It is so nice to have my friend back.

As we are reliving some high school memory I suddenly feel an overwhelming, strange sensation. Instantly I think of Justin and know something is wrong. Mikey looks at me questioningly. He seems to have sensed my unease and I marvel that after all these years we are still in sync.

"Brian are you ok?" He asks with concern in his eyes.

I look at him confused "I don't know. You're going to think I'm crazy but I feel something is wrong with Justin. You know, the guy I was telling you about?"

He gives me a hug; "I don't think it's strange at all. Go to him and see if he's OK."

I kiss Michael good bye and we promise to get together soon. I set off and wonder how I'm going to find Justin. I give up and start to head home but my car seems to be on autopilot as I notice I am pulling up in front of the park. I realize that I need to be somewhere we have shared so I can at least feel close to him.

The winding sidewalk is dimly lit and I have to concentrate to find the bench where we met. I finally find it and am surprised to see someone already sitting there. I can't see the person clearly but I feel drawn to them and I realize why when I see blond hair shimmering in the moonlight.

As I venture closer I can tell it is Justin and I can hear that he is sobbing quietly. I call his name softly so I don't scare him; "Justin?"

He jumps; startled by the intrusion. His voice is hesitant, "Brian? What are you doing here?"

I sit down next to him and raise his face to the light with a finger under his chin. His eyes are red and swollen and my heart sinks wondering what could have possibly happened. "I needed to feel close to you," I whisper, "I didn't know where to find you so I came here."

I pull him close and he lays his head upon my chest. His tears are soaking my shirt and I pull him closer feeling the tears welling in my own eyes. I bury my head in his hair smelling his sweet scent. He remains silent and just clings to me even tighter.

I whisper in his ear, "do you want to tell me what happened?"

He pulls away from me and his eyes are distant. He softly traces his fingertips along my jaw line. "It's pretty intense, I don't know if you're ready to hear it Brian. I don't want to subject you to my problems. I don't want you to get hurt."

"I promise I won't break and as far as hurting me, well that's kind of been a way of life for me."

He snuggles closer to me on the bench and takes my hand intertwining our fingers. "I feel so guilty about our kiss Brian. Not from what we shared but from what it represents. I cheated Brian; Ethan and I are not as close as we once where but we're still together."

I feel my self pulling away I know my voice sounds harsh; "I'm sorry Justin I can't do this. I can't be the one to split you apart. You should go home to Ethan." I stand up and steel myself to go but I immediately feel remorse for my words. His face looks like I just slapped him. I can't leave and I reach down to touch his hair, "Justin I'm so sorry. I'm scared, I don't want to be the one to break your family apart. It goes against everything I was taught to believe."

He looks straight into my eyes and his voice sounds angry, "You're right, I should go back to Ethan. I should let you go back to your comfortable life. You can go back to living a lie and never having to admit who and what you are. Are you scared of being called a fucking fag? The people who call us that or are scared of us are ignorant Brian. It's just easier to listen to the church or what others say than to take the time to find out the truth for themselves." His words hit me hard; "we're just people like everyone else. We love, we cry, we work, we feel, we are no different." Justin stands and places his hands on my arms. "All I know is tonight when Ethan tried to make love to me you were the only one I wanted inside me. I felt like I was cheating on you, but I know that's a fucking joke. How could you ever love a fucking whore like me?" I try to hold him but he pulls away, "Brian stop. Just get far away from me and go home."

I feel crushed, "Justin I don't think you're a whore. This is all just so hard for me..." I pause trying to put my thoughts into words... "I'll go if that's what you really want, but I want to thank you for everything you did for me. You made me stronger and you helped me realize who and what I am. I want to be proud and brave like you, but my whole life is going to be turned upside down Justin. I will lose my job, my friends and most likely my family. Being gay is not accepted in my world Justin, and I don't think that is going to change." I know my voice is raising and my face is growing hot with frustration and anger. I can't believe how my life is spinning out of control. "I'm scared Justin, I'm going to lose everything and I'm afraid."

I feel light kisses on my face and gentle hands on my cheeks, "I'm so sorry Brian, I'm scared too," he says softly in my ear.

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