Absolution

Chapter 3

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Brian's POV

Justin's words echo in my mind, 'you don't have to do anything right now.' I close my eyes feeling my heart beat wildly as my body starts to tremble. I open my eyes looking directly into his and my breath catches. I have never felt this way about anyone. I reach up and brush a hesitant finger across his lips. He lets out a small gasp and grasps my hand; "Brian please stop if you don't want this to happen. If you don't stop now I can't promise I'll be able to later." He swallows hard; "I don't want you to have any regrets."

I have so many different emotions flooding through me I don't even know which one to pick. I gently run my fingers through his silky hair and my eyes begin to mist; "you're so beautiful," the words leave my mouth before I can stop them. He leans into my touch as I caress his cheek with the back of my hand.

His eyes are pleading with me, "Brian, please stop."

"I can't, I know I should, but I can't."

He links our fingers together "then don't. Brian I have never felt like this before. Your touch sends chills through my whole body."

He wraps his hand around the back of my neck and gently pulls my face closer. Our foreheads touch briefly then he draws me in for a kiss. This is my first real kiss and I feel my knees weaken as our lips brush against each other. He pulls back slightly looking to make sure I'm okay.

I give him a reassuring smile and in a flash we are kissing again. His tongue seeks entrance into my mouth to which I gladly respond and soon we are exploring each other's taste. I feel the passion growing inside me as I place a hand on each of his hips bringing him in closer. As the kiss deepens I feel his hands gripping the back of my neck with hunger.

We pull apart panting his blue eyes are twinkling at me. "I have never felt more alive." Even as I speak the words I realize I have never said anything more truthful.

His smile brightens my very soul as he leans in for another kiss. "Neither have I." Our lips once again dance together in passion. As we part he places a gentle hand on my cheek, "Brian I should go. I don't want to lose you by moving too fast."

Once again I place my forehead against his as I look into his eyes; "You're right, this was my first kiss and as amazing as it was I don't think I'm ready for anything more. I do fear I will regret this and that scares me more than anything." I turn slightly to place a kiss on his hand that is still resting on my cheek. "Please don't give up on me." I kiss him softly on his brow.

"I won't, I can't, I've never felt like this for anyone before."

"What about Ethan? Have you ever felt this way for him? Justin I don't want to cause any trouble for you."

I know I'm lying, I can't stand the thought of him with Ethan. Justin soothes me by running his fingers through my hair. He lets out a sigh; "Brian I care for Ethan, we share a lot of history. He was with me the night..." he pauses and the fear and sadness is evident in his eyes, "...the night I was bashed. He helped me through all that, helped me get my art back."

Justin steps back and turns away. "It's OK, I understand," I try not to let the disappointment creep into my voice.

Justin turns back quickly, "no Brian; it's not like that. To be honest my feeling for Ethan have never been close to what I felt first moment I laid eyes on you. Things haven't felt right with him for a while now. I met you yesterday and you turned my world upside down." He turns and steps closer to me reaching up for another kiss; "I have never wanted anyone or anything more than I want you. You are an amazing person Brian Kinney and I will wait for you for however long it takes."

Before he leaves he kisses me once more. Smiling he walks backward out of the apartment then turns to run down the stairs. I bring my fingers to my lips and I can still feel his gentle kiss. My lips still feel numb and tingly. I walk back into the apartment with a silly grin playing across my lips as I sit down on my sofa and savor the moment.

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Justin's POV

Running down the stairs of Brian's apartment I feel so giddy. As I step off onto the sidewalk I hold my arms out and spin around then stop and touch my lips as if I can capture the flavor of Brian there. I know we have a difficult road ahead, but I choose to flourish in the moment. I feel like the refreshing rain on a crisp autumn day. I have to giggle at my own thoughts. Brian is definitely bringing out the romantic in me.

I feel inspired to capture this moment on canvas and make my way to the PIFA campus. I am thankful to see the studio is empty. I set up my supplies and put on Tori Amos loving how her haunting voice echoes through the empty room.

As I begin to paint something seems off. My inner being is calling for something deeper. The maroon, black, purple and blues I'm using look unsettling on the canvas. I have a sudden urge to put yellow and green on my palms and fingertips. Lightly I run my fingers though the darker acrylics. I feel a surge of ecstasy and every stroke is like I am stroking Brian's beautiful body. I know I am taking out my sexual tension in my work.

I stand back to marvel at what I have created. It's not my usual style but it has captured the moment in a mystical manner. On the canvas two forms embrace under an umbrella of trees in a forest. The figures are protected from slander, harm and hatred. I laugh at the realization of who the two men in the painting are. I wipe the paint from by hands and bite my thumbnail as I stand pondering the painting a bit longer. I decide what I need to do. I clean up my mess then pick up the painting with great care.

I find myself standing outside of Brian's apartment door. I knock and am disappointed but also a little relieved when there is no answer. I set the painting on a cloth leaning against his door taping a note just above it.

You are always in my thoughts, the painting is wet so handle it with care. I will do the same with your heart.

I don't sign it, I'm sure he will know whom it's from and what it represents.

It's starting to get dark and I am dreading going home to Ethan. Often I feel so alone even when we are together. We are worlds apart under the same roof. His passion is his music and it always will be. I know he loves me; he tells me every day bringing home roses making romantic dinners, but it all seem so superficial to me anymore. I desire excitement in our bedroom again. After the bashing he has babied me, treating me more like a child than a lover. Often I turn to my side in bed to avoid his touches.

By the time I get home I am feeling withdrawn as I open the door. He's sitting at the table eating dinner. He smiles as he gets up and gives me a chaste kiss on the lips.

"Where have you been all day? I went to the diner around 5 and Debbie said you left at two. I thought we could have a romantic dinner."

I have to smile at his attempt at romance. I know he has sensed my withdrawal and thinks roses, dinner and Dark chocolate are the cure for everything. I really wish they were; it would make life so much easier. "I was at the studio painting then I met a hot guy and fucked him in the closet." I offer him a toothy grin. It's a silly game we play. I don't know how it started but it always ends with Ethan confessing his love to me.

Of course that's not what I want to hear tonight. The guilt from my beautiful encounter with Brian still lays heavy upon me. If I act different he is bound to realize something's wrong. Tonight the game is a little too close to the truth. I put up a charade of smiles while on the inside I am falling apart.

He lets out a laugh; "Oh did you now? Was it your professor or maybe the geeky guy that sits across from you in your graphic design class?"

"Not even close. It was the janitor in the closet with a candlestick." Ethan laughs in delight as he pulls me onto his lap kissing my ear.

"Sounds kinky."

"Not really he was old and smelly but he had a huge cock. God it was divine. How about you? Anyone hot?"

"Mmm yeah, some hot guy threw me in the dumpster and fucked my brains out."

"That is beyond gross!" I push him playfully he pulls me back kissing me on the cheek.

He holds me close, almost as though he is afraid if he lets go I will vanish. Deep down I wish I could. Brian is the only one in my thoughts. I wonder if he got the painting and if he liked it. My thoughts are interrupted.

"Justin you know you will always be the only man for me." I feel a lump in my throat and wish I could say the same.

I kiss him on the lips and as he deepens the kiss I can feel the tears forming in my eyes. This is not the person I want to be kissing. I move my lips to Ethan's neck and ear to hide my emotions. I hear him moan and all I can do is wish it were Brian. His touch feels like acid on my skin and my body feels numb. I don't want to be naked with him and I suddenly feel modest.

Having him look at me I'm afraid he will see I am no longer his. He seems to remain oblivious as he undresses me. I feel bile in the depth of my stomach I am so ashamed for cheating on Ethan. Even though it was only a kiss that I shared with Brian in my heart it is so much more. Now with each of Ethan's kisses I am cheating on Brian.

I feel my body tremble with a searing heat that's boiling just under the surface of my skin. I turn onto my belly to avoid eye contacted. I bury my head in the pillow as Ethan prepares then enters me. Freely I let the tears flow with each thrust as I lose myself thinking of Brian. I am stunned into consciousness by a loud whimper which I realize came from me. Ethan has stopped thrusting and is rubbing my back.

"Baby are you okay?"

I stay silent in fear, not knowing what might happen next. His touch this time is familiar and gentle and I feel relieved as he pulls out of me. He sits back on the bed and I move closer to him as he pulls my head down on his chest and caresses my hair.

I hear fear in his voice; "Justin please tell me what's wrong. Did I hurt you?" All I can do was shake my head no as my tears continue to fall on his chest. My boyfriend unknowingly comforting me because I do not have the lover I need with me.

I feel like scum as I get up and dress. My body is shaking; "it's not you Ethan. I need to take a walk and get some air." His expression shows confusion and hurt as I kiss him on the cheek and tell him I will be back later.

I run out of our building trying to figure out where to go.

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