Absolution

Chapter 2

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Justin's POV

I'm standing in the doorway when Brian finally stands and faces me. I'm not sure what to say to him as I shrug my shoulders "I was worried about you is all."

He walks over to me with his hands behind his back. He clears his throat and speaks harshly, "what gave you the impression there was anything to be worried about."

I take a chance and move closer to him as I lay a hand on his cheek; "I saw it in your eyes."

He flinches at my words and touch as a single tear falls down his cheek. I swipe it away and he leans into my touch. His voice is weak and his eyes are pleading with me, "please don't," he chokes out, "I can't do this."

Feeling the tears filling my own eyes I respond, "I understand, I didn't mean to be so forward. Meeting you today has brought out feelings in me that I don't understand. I've never responded to anyone like this before."

As I turn to walk away he grabs my hand; "Don't go."

I look at him confused, "what's going on Brian?"

The tears are heavy in his eyes and his voice cracks as he speaks; "I don't know, I mean, I know what's going on but it's not what God wants."

I nod at him and feel so pained watching his torment. "What do you want?"

He gulps heavily; "No one has ever asked me that before."

"I'm sorry."

He gives me a slight smirk nodding his head "aren't you the one who told me sorry was bull?"

"You're avoiding the Question"

"I know." He looks down at the ground then back up again.

"Tell me what you want," I whisper.

His eyes shift nervously and he won't make eye contact with me. He puts his hand on his chest taking hold of his cross necklace and clinches it tight in his hand. Then he looks intensely into my eyes as though he is trying to read my soul. "I want to be true to myself. I want to be free from the burdens of always having to please or take care of everyone and everything. I want a mother who loves me for who I am and is not always trying to change me or make me feel guilty. I want people to look at me as a friend and not as an advisor that they put on some pedestal that I don't even belong on." He looks down at the ground shuffling his feet, then looks back at me; "I want to be happy, that's all I ever wanted."

"You can be happy and true to your self." I place my hand on his shoulder and tilt my head offering a sheepish grin, "I could help."

He chokes out a laugh and blushes slightly, "Um you know, I don't think I am ready for that kind of help, but a friend would be nice." He smiles at me.

"Ok, why don't we have a friendly lunch tomorrow when I get off work? How is two?" I know it's a bold move but this man has really shaken up my insides. Even if it's just friendship I know I need him in my life.

A huge grin spreads on his face. "I could pick you up. Where do you work?"

"The Liberty Diner."

Before the words are completely out of my mouth Brian turns very pale. It is obvious he is overcome by emotion as he leans against a pew. He finally regains his balance and takes in a deep breath. Finally he speaks "How's Debbie?"

I'm more than surprised that he knows Deb. His revelation makes me understand how complex a man this truly is. How much is he hiding? Even from himself? I take comfort that has confided even this small piece of his life to me.

"Debbie is good. Spunky as ever."

"She always was." I hear the sadness in his voice that he tries to cover with a smile.

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Brian's POV

I barely made it through the service that evening. It took every ounce of me to keep my emotions intact. Greeting the congregation was the most difficult, through every handshake and hug I clenched my teeth. I did not want to be there at all tonight. So many things stirred up inside me when I met Justin today. He's the only thing I can think about. I am so afraid of crossing that barrier and giving in to my sin.

When Justin revealed that he worked at the Liberty Diner it brought up so many ghosts from my past. Even now my chest feels tight, and a darkness of regret hovers over me. Lying on my bed I reach for my old yearbook turning the page to the picture of my best friend from those days. I miss Mikey. We were so close, inseparable even; then it all ended in a matter of moments. I regret it now how much I hurt him; he did not deserve it.

Justin unknowingly reminded me of my shame. He brought up all the regrets that are piled in my subconscious. All these whispers from the past are so loud in my mind; I don't want to deal with it. The demons hound me making my body curl up tight from the delusion and ache all over. Is this how its always going to be? Never feeling anything but remorse. I often wonder if this is truly Gods plan for me.

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Justin's POV

During break I sit down next to Debbie while she's working on a crossword puzzle. I can't help but tease her, "hmm, let me guess your trying to find a four-letter word for a male chicken."

She looks at me puzzled then starts laughing. "Cock! Oh geez Justin, you're too much. What would I do without your humor?"

"Be bored?" I say playfully

"Now I know you're not here to talk about male chickens so tell me what's wrong."

Tilting my head I feel my face scrunch up; "how did you know something was bothering me?"

She pats my cheek "It's in your eyes hon."

I Slouch down next to her; "I met someone yesterday." She looks at me intrigued as she waits for me to speak. "It's someone I think you know. I was hoping maybe you could tell me a little about him."

"Sure you know me, I love to Gab. Who would this person be and what happened with Ethan?"

I give a nervous laugh; "Ethan and I are still together, this man just took me off guard a bit and I needed to know more about him. I know it will only be friendship because he is a minister." She shoots me a shocked look.

"Oh my Sunshine, are you planning on corrupting a God fearing man? Good boy," she chuckles then winks patting my knee. "So tell me who is this pastor? I doubt I would know him cause I don't go to church and haven't in a long time."

I swallow hard I know I must look nervous because I feel it. Taking in a deep breath I just blurt out his name "Brian Kinney."

I watch as she gets as emotional as he did yesterday. She puts her hand over her mouth; "oh my God Honey." Her eyes filled with tears. "How is that boy? And a pastor; Damn!"

"Honestly he looks sad Deb."

She nodded her head in understanding "you would be too if you had to live a lie your whole life."

"How do you know him?"

Debbie smiled sadly as she spoke of how Brian and her son Michael had been best friends for many years. "One afternoon Michael confessed his feelings for Brian. Shortly after that Brian started distancing himself. It really hurt Michael to lose his best friend. Shortly after that word got around the school that Michael was gay, his last couple months of school were hell."

I look at Deb puzzled "shit; do you think it was Brian who told?"

"I think so" she whispered "always hoped there was a logical explanation. I really loved that boy; he was a good kid. I didn't want to think he could hurt my son like that."

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Brian's POV

All night I've gone over in my head what I might say to Deb. Now as I sit outside the diner I am completely drawing a blank. Laying my head down on the stirring wheel of my car I contemplate why I am here after all these years. How did I find myself right back at the beginning? I am so heavy of heart that it almost makes me angry. I am so tired of all of this conflict within me. I do know that how I treated Michael was wrong. My first step to forgiving myself is to tell him and Deb how truly and completely sorry and ashamed I am of my actions.

I take a deep breath as I open the door to the diner. In a matter of seconds I find myself in Deb's warm embrace which I was not expecting, I feet tears well in my eyes.

"Oh Brian it's so good to see you." She pulled away and pointed to Justin "Sunshine told me you were meeting him here," she hugs me warmly again and I embrace her back in a deep bear hug until she laughs.

"Deb?" She looks at me expectantly as I feel all my emotions about to explode. "How can you be so nice to me after what I did to Michael?"

She pats me on the cheek, "Oh Baby; I forgave you along time ago. Not that I was not mad at first, quite frankly I wanted to hang you by the nuts, but then I thought about it and I know you Brian. Something must have happened that made you do that. Something that was beyond your control."

The regret still lingers inside me as I stand there debating if I should tell her the whole story or not. I decided to tell the truth. It is the only way I will find absolution.

"Deb, when I realized that I wanted..." I paused to swallow hard, "that I wanted men instead of women I went to my pastor to talk about my feelings. When I got there I was so afraid that I might be cast out of the church that was so important to me I lost my nerve. Not thinking, I told the pastor about Mikey, I felt that it was just as bad and shameful to have a gay friend. I was just trying to do what I thought was right. When I walked out of the office the pastor's daughter Suzie was there. She disliked Mikey and me both but mostly Mikey. I was so ashamed of myself when I heard Mikey was outed at school. I thought he would never forgive me. I was also afraid of being found out myself so I distanced myself from him and my feelings for all men." My body slumps with my admission and my eyes sting with unshed tears.

Deb holds me gently patting my head, "Its okay sweetie." There is so much comfort in her embrace. Comfort I have never felt in my own mother's arms. I feel Deb's tears against my neck; "it's good to have you back." Then she pushes me away and looks me straight in the eyes. "There is something I have to ask. Do you still feel it's wrong to have a gay friend? I don't want Sunshine here to get hurt."

I know her words are not meant to be harsh but I feel like a jerk. My flesh is warmed with anger of my own actions. Leaning forward I whisper in her ear; "I could never hurt Justin. Meeting him has helped me realize who I am. I'm not ready to jump of the cliff yet, but I am trying to come to terms with that part of myself."

She looks at me with tears in her eyes; "I am so proud of you. I'm here for you too honey. I know for a fact if you talked to Mikey he would still be your friend. He's always had a soft spot for you." She then gave a huge sheepish grin, "and a hard spot to." She laughed loudly at her own joke.

I can feel myself blushing as I put my hand on my temples shaking my head in disbelief. "Debbie!"

"Sorry Hun, I missed seeing you blush."

"It's OK. How is Mikey?"

"Her smile beams. He is great; he opened his own comic book store down the way."

"Good for him I know how much he loves comics," I looked down to the floor then back up, "I've missed him so much."

"He missed you to kiddo, you should go down to the store and see him sometime."

I pat her arm; "I'll do that. Thanks Deb."

I notice how patient Justin has been; "Hi Justin. So she calls you Sunshine huh?"

He smiles Brightly; "yeah it's my curse."

He walks up close to me and I tell him; "my nickname was ‘little asshole‘."

Debbie lets out a huge snort and pats my cheek, "and it still is but I still love you and expect you to come to Sunday lunch one of these days."

"I'll do that." I feel free of some of my burdens. I know talking with Mikey will be harder, but this was a good step in the right direction

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Justin's POV

As we stand outside the Diner I am unable to read the expression on Brian's face. He seems conflicted with a lot of new emotions. There is a sparkle in his eyes that was not there yesterday.

We are silent for while and when he speaks he is very quiet; "Justin I don't think I'm up to going out to lunch today. If we could..."

I don't even let him finish; "It"s OK Brian, I can let you go, I know you have a lot to think about."

He shakes his head. "No, that's not what I meant," he becomes instantly shy. "I was hoping we could go to my apartment and talk. I could really use a friend right now. Ethan won't mind will he?"

"Ethan does not need to know." Brian nods his head blushing.

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Brian's POV

I'm so nervous having him in my home and so close to me. All I want to do is touch him and kiss him. It goes against everything I was told to believe. I think of my mother and what she would say if I disgraced our family and myself. I would be an outcast from the life I have tried to build for myself and force myself to want. I did not realize I had been standing next to my fridge lost in thought.

Justin walks behind me and puts his hand on my neck. It's so warm, tender and comforting I shutter under his caress. "Brian are you okay?" His voice is so sweet in my ear. I turn around and look deep into his bright blue eyes.

I can barely get my words out. I know that once I confess this again out loud then my world will fall apart around me. I also know that if I keep my feelings inside I will never truly live. I finally speak hoping I can seek comfort from his concern; "Justin, since I met you I am utterly and completely confused about who I am and who I should be." Looking down in to his beautiful blue eyes I see who I want to be. I put my hands on each side of his face realizing how comfortable I felt holding him in this intimate manor. "I think about you everywhere I go. You're in my thoughts and in my dreams." There's a catch in my voice as I struggle to continue. "I don't know what to do."

He places his hands on top of mine; “you don't have to do anything right now.“

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