Absolution

Chapter 17

***WARNING: Violence, references to child molestation.***

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Brian's POV

I stand frozen with my emotions on overload. I hear Justin in the shower and I panic slightly, not wanting to face the world alone. I wonder when I have become so dependent on someone else. Walking over to the phone, I unplug it before the answering machine has a chance to pick up. I look through the peephole of the front door and see my cousin Russell. I am in no mood for his shit, nor do I want to subject Justin to his malicious ways.

The knocking gets louder and Russell yells through the door; "Brian open the door. I can hear you in there." The knocking gets louder and more frantic; "Brian I said open the God damn door! How dare you do this to our family! Grandfather is sick now because of you! Open the God damn Door!"

I stand dumbfounded as the thoughts whirl in my mind. How could grandpa's illness be my fault? I start to believe it. The pounding and my cousin's hateful words are infiltrating my mind and blending into one mass chaotic illusion. I watch the door shake as the hateful words penetrate my soul frightening every fiber of my being; "You fucking faggot open the god damn door! Reap your punishment you fucking scared pussy! Grandpa is lying in a hospital bed dying and it's your fault. Hearing that his beloved favorite grandson was a fucking cocksucker is killing him!"

My body is completely numb; I am finding it difficult to move or speak. I feel utterly lost. In my mind's eye I can see my grandfather cold and limp, lying in a hospital bed, gasping for his last breath. Desperately I want to be with him, to hold his hand, tell him Grandmother is waiting and that it's OK to move on. But I can't; I no longer have the right to be a part of this family. Everyone is making it difficult to even breathe and I can hear myself gasping.

Silvia takes my hand; "Brian? Brian? You need to stay strong for us; for you and for Justin. Come back to us Brian. Don't let your cousin have the last say."

Her voice fades and I see Damien. He is laughing wickedly, taking a drag from his cigarette; "Brian we all know Russell is a faggot on the inside, even though he tries to cover it up with his macho image. We know the truth and the truth shall set him free," Damien laughs viciously.

I shake my head at him; "There is no fucking way I am calling him on something like that. It will only get me killed."

Damien shrugs his shoulders; "Hey it's your mind, do what you like but I know, I have always known; Russell likes cock. Plus he is just a fucking asshole to blame you for something no one has any control over. He blames you because he is fucking scared. I'll take care of him for you; I have no qualms about doing it. Just say the word and that fucking asshole is all mine."

I am startled back to reality when the door flings open. The cool air hits my face and all I can see is Russell's smirking face. My breath is stuck with in my chest and I feel as though I am suffocating.

His words break through my thoughts; "Well if it isn't the faggot boyfriend."

That's when I see Justin and realize he is the one who opened the door. Why the fuck did he open the door?

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Justin's POV

Stepping out of the shower I can hear the yelling and banging on the front door and I frantically throw on my clothes. When I see Brian my heart aches for him. He looks so lost and confused. There is no way I am going to let my lover listen to this shit. I pull open the door forcefully and find myself looking into the bitter scared eyes of Brian's cousin. I see how fucking frightened he is I am confused by his look of obvious desire and his words that are so full of hatred. Then I suddenly realize why Russell is the way he is. He is fucking scared and in denial of his own homosexuality.

I can't help but smirk at him; "Yeah I'm the faggot boyfriend and who are you? The Avon lady?"

Russell's face turns beet red from my sarcastic remark and I can almost see the smoke that wants to seep through his ears. He pushes the door open completely and his green eyes radiate a darkness that pierces into my soul.

He abruptly grabs a hold of my shirt and shakes me furiously, slamming me against the wall. I realize I have overstepped my bounds. This man is insane and he is going to hurt me; oh god he is going to hurt Brian. I am ashamed of my sarcasm, wishing I could take back the words, and never opened the door. Russ clinches his fist tight holding it inches away from my face then I see something else in his eyes. I see desperation and sadness. I flinch as his fist draws closer to my face in rage and he misses me by an inch, slamming it into the wall. Russ grimaces in pain; "You're not worth my time," he spits.

Trying to hold back my tears all I can think about is Brian. He has been through so much the last couple days and now his grandfather is ill. I know how much he loves his grandfather. What have I done by coming into his life, destroying everything he has every known? Shit I should have walked away when I saw him. His life would be so much easier so much better without me.

I can still feel the heat of Russell's rage; he has not let go of me. I am still frightened but right now I don't care what he does to me. I have survived a bashing once I can do it again. I only care about Brian, his feelings and emotional state of being.

A wicked laughter breaks through my thoughts and looking directly behind Russell I see Brian. I can tell he is no longer in control and I find myself even more concerned for my lover. In a seductive but wrathful gesture Brian runs his hands on his cousins arms, closing the distance between their bodies. Brian is standing directly behind Russ and his eyes are wild. Quickly he tightens his grip around Russell's wrists, ripping him forcefully away from me.

In that split second Brian winks at me and calls me sunshine. The voice is not his and I wonder who is standing with him, then I realize that no one is with Brian. He is not there at all.

He pushes Russell firmly against the wall pinning his wrists tightly. There is a crazed persona in is eyes as he leans into Russell's ear. Brian's face is full of fury as he confidently speaks in his cousin's ear; "Get the fuck out of my home asshole. You are not welcome here. Your homophobic Bible thumping racist remarks are not welcome."

Russ tries to wiggle out of Brian's grip and there is confusion spread across his face; "When the fuck did you get so strong?"

Brian pulls back laughing; " Thought you said I was a fucking scared pussy faggot," his voice is raspy, "nothing is as it seems, is it?"

"You make me sick. Get your fucking fairy hands off me!"

An unearthly laugh parts from Brian's lips; "You afraid you might like it?" He growls. "Now get the fuck out of my home before I fucking kill you. The only reason you are still alive is for grandfather's sake. I fucking have no clue why, but he loves you. You're just a whore to your faith and a disgrace." Brian smirks mischievously and lets go of Russell; "I will be at grandfather's side. You had no right to tell him I came out, and I will not confirm what you have told him unless I want to. He is sick and not because of me. Brian's face softens and I can tell this is my lover. There is hint of tears in his eyes. He is sick because..." he chokes back his emotions, "he is old, he misses his Trudy and he wants to go home and be with his love." Once again the coldness appears in his eyes; "Don't blame me for your own insecurities."

I am relieved when Russ walks out of the apartment. After the door closes I can hear Brian's labored breathing; "Shit!" He cries, "Fuck!" He rests his hands on his knees bending over slightly.

His body trembles and I guide him over to the sofa; "Brian are you ok?" I brush his hair softly away from his eyes.

He laughs bitterly; "I guess you just met Damien. Fuck he has never taken over like that before. I only asked him to because I was so scared Russ would hurt you." He looks me directly in the eyes and cups my chin tenderly; "I don't know what I would have done if he hurt you." He gets up and I can tell he is battling the fragments within his mind. He grabs my pack of cigarettes and walks outside

Brian's POV

"Fuck." I mutter to myself lighting a cigarette with shaky hands. My life has changed so drastically in one week. I have never let any of my fragments take over before. I was so fucking scared for Justin; I couldn't let any harm come to him. I am so weak and Damien is so strong. My thoughts are viscously pounding in my mind and I feel completely out of control. I begin worrying about everything that has taken place. My grandfather, coming out, and also these blank places in my mind; they haunt me and the more I think the more clear things become.

Deep inside I wonder why it happened. All these hollow spots in my mind have invoked and opened a box of unwanted horror. Memories I had earlier in the night invade my thoughts. Did it really happen? Was I really molested? I can't even fathom the thought, but what other explanation is there? It explains why I have always shied away from relationships, from kisses, making love. Sometimes I feel so dirty inside and unwanted. I don't feel anyone could every love me since I have been tainted by another's hands. I am left pondering if it did happen and if so, why?

Are people that fucked up in the head they would hurt a child? All I want to do is protect them; it's one of the reasons I went into ministry. Now I know I can no longer protect them. It is completely out of my control.

I can hear the footsteps on the floor coming closer to me. I am in the room alone and I turn off the light in fear, hiding away from myself and from what I know is about to happen. The door creeks and I can feel my small body tremble. There is nowhere to run and this is not even my home. I am only visiting one of the families from our church. I see him in the shadows and I can hear the laughter coming from downstairs. I don't know why I am here. Why am I not down there with every one else? For some reason I didn't want to be around anyone, I wanted to hide. But the one I am hiding from is now in the room with me. I have nowhere to run. It is the most frightening thing in the world to be so small and vulnerable; to not have any control over your situation.

I can feel the tears threatening to fall from my eyes and I am more vulnerable now than I was back then. Then I was able to hide it in a dark place in the back of my mind but now that place has been opened. I don't know why or how I have I been able to hide all these years without knowing. "Fuck!"

I pace back and forth on my porch with a half-lit cigarette in hand feeling the tremors flow through my body. I wish this nightmare would end. All I can remember in great detail is being relieved when the man went away. I don't even recall what happened; if he died or is in jail. All I know is he is gone. I stood in the house as my mother talked to his mother and I remember Joan being angry with me for being glad he was gone. Why the fuck can I only remember that much? I don't know what he did exactly; all I know is the fear, the hiding and the shame.

I am startled out of my thoughts by a comforting hand on my back. Taking a long drag from my cigarette, I turn to face Justin but I can't look at him.

He gently touches my face and looks intensely into my eyes whispering; "Brian I know, I know."

I ask myself if he really knows? I know I can't tell him. How can you tell your lover you were violated at a young age. Hell, I don't even know if it's true or something my mind made up. I can feel the others there with me and I know that's why they are here; to help protect me from my past, my pain.

Pulling myself together I look into Justin's eyes. I hesitate at first but I need to know; "What do you know Justin?" My words come out harsh and sarcastic. I can see the pain in his eyes as he tries to understand why I'm talking to him this way.

But he handles it well and straightens his shoulders looking me directly in the eyes; "I know you're scared of the memories you are having; of what you know, of who you are. We all go through it, and if you are doubting what you know then don't. There is a reason for it, for you to realize things, so you can go on and be stronger, and better than anyone else in your fucking family. Don't let those fucking assholes get to you or your memories because things will be revealed. When they are everything will make sense. Just don't push it and don't ignore it, because if you do you will never grow. You will not have the strength to give us and our relationship a fair go. I need you Brian more than anything in this God damn world so don't even think of shutting me out. Don't think you're not good enough because you are. You are far better than you think you are. I know your family has beaten you down and ridiculed you but that's them, that's not you." Justin places his hand gently on my arm and he whispers softly; "Plus I love you and I could never live without you no matter what you may think."

For some unknown reason I feel furious with him and with myself; "How can you say you love me? We haven't even known each other a week yet. I have given up every thing I have ever known and started a new life, all in less than a week. And you know what? I don't know if I did the fucking right thing. I feel so fucked up inside. I could still be living my life not worrying about my thoughts and memories like some fucking ghost is going to jump out and scare me. Now here I am frightened like a child by all these memories and feelings from my past. You don't know me Justin. You can't love me because I am not loveable. Even my own sister said so. I am a fucking joke, Justin I always have been and I always will be. Nothing in this God damn world can prevent that. If you say you love me then it's just a fucking joke, because that's all I can be."

The hurt in his eyes penetrates deep into my heart and soul. His tears are teetering on the brink of escape and I can tell he is fighting them. Justin does not want me to see him cry. "Is this what you are going to do every time you're scared, fucking push me away? Well fuck you Brian! Fuck you if that is how you want it, if that is really what you believe. I can go. I'm not scared of being on my own for once in my life. I don't need this. I don't need to be told that I don't get it."

When Justin turns to leave I feel a lump in my throat; "Justin, don't go," and that's all I can say. I can't give him any more or any less. I let my eyes speak to him, begging for forgiveness with only a look because if I say it I will feel even more vulnerable. He reaches up and kisses me passionately pulling me into the tender sanctuary of his understanding. Justin's kiss heats my body and soul making me new and I know I can't do any of this alone. I choke back my tears; "Will you come with me to see my Grandfather?"

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