Absolution

Chapter 16

***Warning: references to child abuse and spiritual abuse.***

Dedicated to my wonderful and loving Husband. Thank you for letting me borrow Silvia and Damian, I love every piece of you. Hugs and sloppy Kisses Love always your Immortal beloved

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Justin's POV

Brian watches me intensely as I turn to face him wrapping my arms around him in a deep embrace. I can feel the heat of his eyes burning into my soul and his silence is killing me slowly. Brushing a stray hair from his eyes I long for him to speak; "you wanted to talk?" I ask quietly.

Brian nods his head yes but when he opens his mouth to speak, nothing comes out. Softly I rub my thumb over his lips, then pull him closer in to me, our warm bodies radiating heat and reassurance to each other. "Brian you don't have to talk to me yet, you have been through a great ordeal these last couple days. I want you to know that no matter what is in your past, whatever you are hiding; I will be here for you. I think what your sister said was awful and unnecessary."

Brian laughs bitterly and pulls back to look deep into my eyes. He cups my chin with his hand and seduces me with a tender kiss; "Justin," he breathes my name sending shivers through my whole body. Lovingly he caresses his hand upon my cheek and it feels like heaven to me. Brian gives me a small smile; "I want you to know my secrets, but you need to promise to keep an open mind."

I maintain my composure on the outside, but inside I am freaked. What does he have to say? Will it change how I feel about him? Will I be able to handle this along with everything else we have already been through? Am I really ready for anything else? I know I come across strong to him but I am only just now mending my own wounds. I know I can't run away no matter how much I may want to hide. We need each other too much. I will do anything possible to keep us strong.

"I promise."

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Brian's POV

I am astonished at how far back my memories are taking me. Things I have long forgotten are still dwelling within the crevices of my mind and spirit. Silvia's voice is clear in my thoughts, guiding me in the right direction of how to approach this conversation with Justin. She feeds me the information almost from a script though I know she is not showing me everything. Silvia knows I am not ready for all the dark places in my mind to be revealed.

I sit up on the bed and take Justin's hands in mine. He sits across from me and as I gaze into his passionate blue eyes I begin to find peace within myself. Clearing my throat I prepare for what is to come. "Justin, this is difficult for me to say. I don't even know where to begin."

He rubs my hand gently with his thumb; "Start from the beginning," he smiles making it sound so easy.

I can't help but chuckle; "It's just that easy huh?"

"It's only as hard as you make it."

I nod my head in understanding and smirk at him; "You are a real class act you know that?"

He kisses me on the nose; "You wouldn't have it any other way."

Gently I kiss his lips; "No, you're right I wouldn't." I find strength as I gaze into his sapphire blues again; "Justin what I am going to say may frighten you. I know it does me, not from what I know but from what others may think. As hard as I try not to care what others think about me, I do care. I always have and probably always will." I take in a deep breath then release it trying to build up more courage. "I Know I have told you about my mother and her mental and physical abuse, but I don't remember ever telling you much about my father. I believe my mother was the way she was with me because she hated him so much."

I stand up and let go of his hand. For some reason it is difficult for me to face him while I make my confession. I move in front of the window, the drapes are drawn shut and all I can see is dark material. "My whole life I was always told I was just like my father. He was a drunk and a violent man. Even now the scent of beer is ingrained into my brain, not all my memories are crystal clear." I run my fingers through my hair nervously and my memories overtake me. Images flash rapidly and I try to tune them out. I grasp onto my scalp, imbedding my fingers into my skin, trying to relieve the pressure in my head. When I find the courage to continue my voice is harsh and raspy; "My father threw me across the room. I was about two or three years old and I cried out in pain to my mother but her own screams echoed back to me. All I could do was watch her being beaten black and blue in front of me." Gasping from my memories, I can feel the emotions welling up into my chest causing it to become difficult to speak. I repeat my words in disbelief as the scene plays out in my mind again; "There was nothing I could do but watch."

Justin walks up behind me placing his hand softly on the back of my neck and gently kisses my bare arm. I feel his compassion radiating into me, making me stronger; "My sister always resented me because of my father. We have different dads, both immoral in their own right. One of the reasons my mother is so gung ho over the church is from the fear she claims her first husband put her through." Turning around I face Justin feeling his warm body against me and I look into his eyes that are glistening in understanding. "To be honest I don't know how much of this is true. I know there is more to the story, but my mother always plays the victim and never let's her true faults known, which we both know are many. "Joan's first husband started going to a satanic church, practicing the ways of Anton LeVay. My sister has told me her father tried to poison her when she was younger. She also has claimed to wake up seeing spirits with her Raggedy Ann and Andy dolls flying around the room."

Laying my head on Justin neck I find comfort; "I was always told there was evil all around me, that demons were lurking around every corner just waiting to dement my mind. Not only did I have my father's abusive ways I had my sister's father and his past reflected upon me. I do believe my mother and sister over exaggerated things of the past. I know I felt evil in the home I grew up in but it was not always what it seemed. A lot of it was mostly the fear my mother put in me."

A sharp pain penetrates my head and I gasp as I bring my hands up to hold it. Justin instinctively wraps his arms around me and pulls me in close. He kisses me on my forehead and I lose myself in his touch, releasing all my fears as the tears roll healingly down my cheeks. "I was so afraid of the dark growing up. I still am. I can't tell you exactly where the fear comes from, I do remember hearing a frightening voice echoing in the depths of my memories; 'no need to be scared, if anything happens in the dark, it never really happened at all.' The harsh voice had a body I could not see; he would cover my mouth hushing me." I can't continue for a moment then I take a deep breath; "I don't know what happened to me in the dark. I don't know if I ever want to know."

Justin cups his hands upon my face peering deep into my soul; "You don't have to remember. No one is making you. Brian I want you to know I am here for you. You're never alone Ok?"

I nod as I let my emotions roll freely; "My sister took advantage of my fear, teasing me, she would take the light bulb out of my lamp and shut me in in my room with no lights on. I would try pushing the door open, and it would jar slightly then she would push back laughing, keeping the door sealed shut. I think that is when it began. When I was alone in the dark."

Justin pulls away and looks at me; "Brian what began?"

I can feel the mist forming in my eyes and I let out a nervous laugh; "The voices Justin. That was when I heard the voices in my mind." I look deeply into Justin's orbs expecting to see shock and am surprised when I don't.

He gets on his tiptoes reaching up to kiss me on the lips; "Please continue Brian."

"I remember screaming, desperately wanting a light. I could see things moving in the dark. When I was younger I thought it was my mothers ex-husband doing things to the family. That's what I was taught to believe anyway, but I realized early on there was much more to it. It was in my blood. I have always been able to see and hear things that others can't. I kept it to myself thinking maybe I was losing my mind." It is strange that as I am telling Justin my story new memories and thoughts are entering my mind. I hope he is able to keep track of everything I am telling him. "Mystical things always intrigued me. I think I told you before that I always had a fascination with magic that horrified my mother. She was so afraid I was going to be lured to the dark side. I think that's why everything became evil and wrong. I believed her so I remember keeping everything to myself. All the things I thought I saw and heard; because I knew she would think I was evil and vile. No matter what pain she caused me I still wanted, and I guess still want, her approval."

I touch Justin's face while I try to gather my scattered memories. It is difficult for me to make sense of everything in my head. I am seeing things in a totally new light with new clarity. "Am I losing you yet?"

Justin shakes his head; "No."

"I guess you're wondering about the voices? ' He nods his head yes and I can't resist smirking at him; "I know I'm crazy Justin so no need to tell me," and I wink at him. I am starting to feel Silvia's playful manor empowering me. "The first voice I heard was a female. Her name is Silvia and she is my strength. She has helped me cope with my family's abuse and situation."

A slight gasp parts from Justin's lips and I am concerned I have frightened him away; "Brian are you trying to tell me you have several personalities?"

I can see the concern in his eyes but the love is still there as well. I softly brush my thumb across his cheek; "Not quite. I was told it was fragments of personalities. They help me deal with my past, but never completely take over my body to a point where I black out and am unaware. I have always been aware of them and they are aware of me. We walk side by side mirroring each other. Their personalities come through me. I'm sure you have seen the changes." He nods his head yes and takes hold of my hand grasping tightly. I reassure him; "I have always been with them. I don't let them do anything I don't want them to. I have control of that now. I know I have the final say in everything."

I close my eyes and think of the past, of my sister and what I did to her. I still hate myself. I know why I did it but I should never have let myself get out of control like that. "My sister as I said was very cruel to me. Silvia helped me through the darkness and with the frightening voice that lurked in that dwelling." Taking a deep breath I plunge into my next confession; "Then I met Damien. He is the one who is angry and I feel I am more like him in many ways. I did not realize I had as much control as I did when Claire would pick on me and torment me. Damien became very defensive and I did hurt her. I regret it now and I wish it never happened but I can't take away my past. I know I learned a lot of that behavior from my father. I grew from that experience and I even apologized to Claire. After I really accepted Christ into my heart I began to change, my whole life changed. The voice vanished, my sister and I became close, my life was more stable. Tonight something happened that triggered them to come back. I have more than the two but it is Silvia and Damien who I talk to the most."

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Justin's POV

At first I am completely stunned. Even though deep in my heart I already knew it still hurts to see my lover go through this. Knowing he has blank spots in his memory is frightening. I can only imagine what horrors his mind holds. No one should have to relive that pain but he forgot it for a reason. I clasp his hand tighter bringing him back to the bed. I brush his hair from his eyes and lean in to kiss him letting him know I understand and that I care.

Words are not needed to reassure him but I know he wants to hear those from me as well. "Brian I'm glad you told me of your past; about Silvia and Damien. I understand why they came back. You have been through a lot this week. I know I have said sorry is bullshit," he gives me a slight smirk, "but I am sorry your sister was so cruel to you; tonight and in your past. I know how much you really do love her and maybe someday you will be able to regain that trust you had rebuilt." I look deep in his eyes and make sure he knows how connected I am to him and how much I care for him.

"It's not your fault she is naive and stupid. Remember she is the one who dug up the past, not you. She is the one who put you down to make her stronger. You have far more strength than you know Brian and I think that is what scared her. Tonight when you came out to the church, you said a big Fuck You to everyone. You told the truth and you walked away with all the confidence in the world. Your sister is too weak and nowhere near as strong as you are. If it takes Silvia and Damian to give you that strength then I think they are beautiful beings to stand by you."

He smiles at me brightly and the twinkle is returning to his eyes. I am choked up by his emotions as he leans down and kisses me passionately on the lips. "Thank you for believing in me," he whispers upon my lips. We slowly make love, putting what has happened and all the emotions we have shared behind us for a moment. We just enjoy each other and the moment.

Waking up the next morning, our naked limbs entwined, the warmth of Brian's skin illuminates me. He is sleeping so peacefully and I study him from an artist's perspective. I carefully slide away from him and grab my sketchbook and pencil capturing his form and essence on paper. Brian is lying on his stomach, the sheet barely covering his buttocks, the morning sun shines on his glistening back.

He slightly turns his head to look at me sleepily, his voice groggy; "Good morning sunshine. What are you doing?"

I lay my sketchbook down and crawl up next to him whispering in his ear; "Just capturing this moment on paper. You are so sexy."

He ducks his head blushing; "No I'm not," he chuckles shyly.

I climb on top of him; "Hmm, well I guess my cock is wrong then."

He laughs; "What am I going to do with you?"

Interlinking my hands with his I stretch them over his head pinning them to the bed. I kiss him gently; "I can think of a couple things."

Brian's POV

I wake up this morning feeling a little better. My life has changed drastically but waking up to Justin is the most exhilarating experience. While making coffee I think of his antics and how he touched me this morning. He has a way of making me feel complete, even though it is difficult for me to express the love back to him in return. The morning seems to be perfect. None of the shit from last night has entered into our domain.

The moment I had that thought the phone rings and then someone knocks on the door. I sigh; dreading everything I know is to come today.

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