Absolution

Chapter 15

***Warning references to violence***

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Brian's POV

Lying on my bed I am unaware of the amount of time that has passed. I stare into the darkness and feel very much alone. My thoughts are overwhelming and steeped in the devastation of tonight's events. I can feel light strokes of tender fingers through my hair. It takes awhile for me to comprehend that Justin is with me. My heart is aching. This is everything I have ever wanted and now that I have it I'm stuck in the chaos of my own mind.

As I begin to think of my cousin a heaviness befalls me. It's been such a long time since I have let my mind go there, to that night at dinner where Russell bragged about beating the shit out of a young gay man. I remember taking the pain of his sin into myself, not understanding why I felt guilty for a crime I did not commit. As my cousin boasted with pride, I walked out of the house, away from my family's laughter over the incident as he relayed every gory detail. They gave me a lot of grief for leaving, but I just couldn't listen anymore.

I always knew I was gay and I wondered; is this what would happen to me if the family found out? Would they hurt me and laugh? I often contemplated what might have happened to the young man. Did he live? Did he die? Is he fucked up in the head or did he pull through and overcome the violence he was forced to withstand? I felt all these emotions for someone I have never met; yet we both have one thing in common. We have both suffered from the hands of my cousin and what he stands for.

When I think of Justin I see the pain in his eyes and the conflict it has brought into his life. All because of a fucking baseball bat to the head. What if it was me? Could I possibly be as strong as him? Would I be able to hold on, and go after what I want with such purpose and clarity when it seems the whole world is standing in my way? I feel such shame in myself for not being stronger.

My body is so numb that I am unable to speak so I remain in the confines of my comatose mind. I can't get over the events that have played out and my body feels so tired and weak from the ordeal. I am relieved to be out and to have come clean to the world around me but now I worry about the danger I have put Justin in. It breaks my heart knowing he could be bashed again. I saw the fire that loomed in my cousin's eyes. He was full of rage and disbelief and I am worried for both of our safety. It took everything in me to hold strong, to not take the easy way out and cave in. To not go back to what I know, plead for forgiveness from God and my elders, have my family love me once again.

I know that I can't. I can no longer live in a world that despises me, a world that would rather see me dead. I know deep in the depths of my soul that it's not going to be easy. It certainly has not been so far. I am already looking over my shoulder to see who is lurking around every corner. I don't feel safe in the outer metamorphosis of my external being. I want to be able to protect Justin but how can I when I have never been able to stand up to my own family? Justin will need me to shelter him from the scorn of my family. All we have is each other now inside this hollow tomb we consider existence.

Justin places a soft kiss upon my brow and I can hear the whimper part from my lips. Is this what love is? I have never known anything like this before. I long to take him in my arms; to caress his face, body, and spirit. I want to tell him my secrets and all my inner lies as well. I try to move or speak but all that comes from my lips are shallow noises that make no sense as I remain stuck in my catatonic state.

The back of his hand runs along my jaw line and I blink back my tears as his healing words enter my soul; "Brian I know you're hurting, but I want you to know I could never in my whole life be more proud of you than I am right now. You stood up to the masses; you are stronger than you will ever know. I can see you are fighting this. Please don't worry about me or how your family will treat you because it's you and me against the world and we can do this. We can accomplish anything." He kisses my brow again as the tears fall on my face.

Something inside me stirs and I am finally able to turn and look at him. Inside those sapphire blues I see his openness. I reach my hand up to wipe his tears away and then pull him down to me. No words are spoken for I still am unable to speak about what happened. If I do then it means that it was all real. I'm not quite ready to face that revelation yet.

Justin pulls away and as he does I see the fear in his eyes. I sit up and scramble to the back of the bed, pulling my legs up into my chest I begin rocking. He reaches his hand to me but I can't be touched. I hear the banging in the back of my mind but I refuse to listen to it,

Justin's voice sounds muffled as he speaks to me; "Brian I'm going to get the door."

I watch as he stands and my heart breaks to lose contact with him. I hear my own hysterical voice; "Justin No! No, no don't, you can't, you can't leave me!"

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Justin POV

I have so many pent up emotions and I'm really not sure how to handle this situation. I am so scared of losing him. I close my eyes and feel the pressure of the world caving in as the knocking on the door gets louder. I get up and tell Brian where I am going. An animalistic cry permeates the room and my heart is flooded with guilt for having to leave him, but I need to know what lies ahead of us. I know he must feel abandoned because I feel a bit lost myself without that small amount of contact.

As I walk closer to the door I can see the doorknob jiggling and then it turns as the door opens slightly. I jump with a start as I feel a hand on my shoulder. I turn to see Brian's pain filled hazel eyes. The guilt and regret pours through his soul as he speaks harshly; "let's do this together." I am confused by the look in his eyes. This is not the same man who was just laying on the bed moments before. I am becoming more and more concerned by the sudden changes in his personality. I put both my hands on his cheeks and stare deeply into his orbs. It is there that I can see the truth.

Brian looks away quickly and there is a coldness in his spirit that I don't recognize; "Brian?" He continues to look at me pointedly as if he is waiting for me to answer all the questions of the universe.

I am startled back to reality when I hear a timid female voice; "Brian I need to talk to you," I turn around and find myself face to face with his sister Claire. The disgust is written upon her face; "what is he doing here Brian?" Pushing past me Brian forcefully grabs the keys from Claire's hands

"He lives here Claire; you don't." I can feel a cold chill run through my spine and I realize I am frightened. I do not know this man. His whole mannerism and body language is different

"Brian give me back my keys," he takes the apartment key off the chain and hands the rest back to her.

"Now bitch, get the fuck out of our home! You have no right to be here, I don't want you influencing Justin's thoughts about me."

She laughs bitterly; "I see you're back to your old ways again Brian; letting anger get the best of you. Are you going to beat him too? Just like you used to do to me?"

"Fuck off Claire! This has nothing to do with Justin and I have changed since then. I was scared and I never meant to hurt you ok? I fucked up! You we...were...s..so cruel t..t..to me." The emotions coming from him as he speaks are so raw. He is so scared and with each word he stutters more.

I walk to him and gently take a hold of his hand; "Brian?" I can see him breaking down emotionally.

His eyes are filled with tears and anguish. He buries his head into my neck; "Justin I never meant to hurt her. I never meant to." The warmth of his body close to mine and the vibration of his heart tells me that he is speaking the truth but I wonder what caused it. Why would he do such a thing? He does not strike me as a violent person.

I run my hand through his hair forgetting that Claire is still in the room with us; "Brian please tell me why. I know you, you're not violent." A wicked laugh pierces the air breaking through our private moment reminding me that Brian's sister is still here. I look up and make eye contact with her; "why are you still here Claire? Get out."

"You don't get it do you Justin? Brian is not what he claims. I will say this, I am glad he has you. Not that I agree with a homosexual relationship, but somebody needs to love him. He is not easy to love or live with so good riddance to you and him!" She stomps out of the apartment slamming the door behind her.

Brian instantly collapses limply into my arms weeping. I carefully lead him back to the bed. He climbs on and curls himself into the fetal position drawing his legs up tightly. He begins to speak quietly and I lean down to hear him more clearly; "Justin she's right," he chokes out, "Get out of here. I am not easy to love or live with. Oh God why is this happening?" He wails, "I have changed. I have done everything that everyone wanted of me. My sister and I have become good friends through all we have had to endure. Why would she do this? God why would she do this to me?" Brian sits up looking more confident as he lifts his eyes up to the ceiling and screams; "God why would you do this to me? Have you forsaken me and cast me out of your world? I thought you were a loving God! Fuck!"

He stands and walks out of the room and into the spare room slamming the door shut. I'm left standing confused and infuriated at Claire. How could a sister be so cruel? What happened so many years ago for Brian, this loving man I know so well, to become as violent as she claims? I walk to the spare room door and try to open it but it's locked.

I hear Brian yell through the door; "Go away Justin. Leave me and go find someone who deserves to be loved by someone like you. I don't deserve to have you, I'm not worth the trouble" I can hear the crack in his voice.

I lean my head against the door and hear myself whisper; "You're so worth it Brian, so very worth it. God has not forsaken you, your family has."

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Brian's POV

Leaning my head against the door I hear Justin whispering. What I don't understand is why he has so much faith in me and in a God I am slowly losing all faith in. Does He even exist? I feel so numb inside. Was it only hours earlier that I felt so strong? I am glad that part of my life is over. I need to find the strength to push forward in this time of broken dreams.

I don't regret coming out. I need more than anything to be true to myself. My regret stems further back in my mind. Many years ago I resented my sister so much. She had been so cruel to me, making fun of me, pulling jokes and pranks at my expense. When our mother went back to college leaving my sister in charge she then turned into the mother, disciplining me, telling me what to do and say. I hated her even more for having that responsibility for me. I was only 14 and I lost it completely.

All I ever wanted was a mother to love me and embrace me as her child. What I got was a sister only 6 years older playing mom. I never meant to hurt her. I never wanted this life, but it is where I was born and it is my shame. I remember running up to her hitting her in the chest and kicking her in the kneecap. God I wish I could take it back. One of the many other reasons I dedicated my life so forcefully to Jesus. He helped me control my pain and anger, but now it's all coming back and I am losing control again.

I can't be near Justin. I would never hurt him intentionally but my anger is so unpredictable. He has no idea how hard it is for someone to love me. I make it hard. I will only hurt him in the long run and I just can't do it. Have I not learned from my mother and father's abuse? I know I am only doing what I was taught to do.

This is not the life for me and I feel those old feelings coming back in a rush. The voices that once comforted me at night. I pray and hope they keep their distance. I am not ready for Justin to know the secrets that lay deep in my mind.

I hear her voice. She has always soothed me. She is the inner spirit who can show love and compassion. She is the one who showed me how to love. She is the part of me I have shown to Justin. Silvia has never taken over my body nor have any of the other entities in my mind. They are with me though, soothing me, showing me how to live and find peace within myself.

Except for one; the one I have always fought. He is the angry and aggressive one and I know deep inside Damian is who I truly am. The anger comes so easily to me. It's a release of the darkness that is buried within me.

I lay back on the bed listening to Silvia play the piano soothing my eyes to rest. Drifting into my unconscious state I see a new world around me. The cool air brushes against my cheek as the snow falls around.

I look through the white particles and see Silvia sitting at her white grand piano. Snowflakes cover her hair and she looks at me smiling; her voice is that of a gothic Angel. She stops singing and calls to me; "Brian come closer."

I shake my head no. A large circle of barbed wire fence wraps around our perimeter. I walk to her hesitantly. "Silvia what are you doing here?" I can feel the mist forming in my eyes at the realization of how much I have missed her. I choke back my tears; "I thought you left me. I thought you all left me."

She stands from her piano, her petite form is that of a faerie; "Brian we never left you." She takes my hand in hers, "We would never leave you. We have always been with you every step but you did not need us until now."

I look into her lavender eyes; "Why now?"

"Because you need us more than ever now. You need to know you're not alone, that God has not forsaken you. God gave you an outlet of understanding and healing, that is how we came about."

The snow starts to get colder and falls more vigorously. I can hear Silvia's voice all around me; "You need to know you can be loved," she pulls me close to her, "that you are worth loving."

Silvia sits down on the cold earth; it is then I notice her royal velvet purple dress and how elegant she truly is. She looks up at me smiling and I sit down next to her instinctively laying my head on her shoulder. She guides my head to her lap caressing my hair gently; "Brian, Justin really loves you. I encourage you to stick this out. Tell him who you are. Tell him about us."

I look at her dumbfounded; "Silvia he would never understand, it would scare him."

She places her hand on my face; "He already knows something is different, I saw it in his eyes."

"He won't understand... how can he?"

She cups both of her hands on my face; "Brian why do you do this to yourself? Why do you beat your self up? There is nothing wrong with you. There is no reason for him to be scared. You have always been in control. None of us have ever taken your body." She slightly chuckles; "Not that we have not wanted to. You have always had free reign. Don't get me wrong we have influenced you in many ways. More like we are walking side by side but not in your shoes," she places a kiss on my head, "Open your eyes now Brian, I will give you my strength. Justin will understand, I know he will. He may be startled and even a bit confused at first but it will subside, have faith in yourself."

Opening my eyes in the darkness I begin to see a glimmer of light. I call out to my lover; "Justin are you still here?"

There is movement on the other side of the door; "Brian?" The emotions in his voice are strong, "I'm still here."

I get up and unlock the door then lay back down on the bed; "You can come in now. I am ready to talk."

I can hear the door crack open as Justin walks to me and silently lies down next to me, he kisses me tenderly on the lips and cradles me in his arms.

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