Absolution

Chapter 14

***Warning: References to violence and racism***

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Brian's POV

Jacob looks at me dumbfounded; "Brian what is going on with you?"

Suddenly I feel all the confidence of the world. Leaning back in my chair I kick up the heel of my right foot to rest it on my left knee and give him a relaxed smirk; "Me? Nothing. I'm dazzling," I laugh softly then raise my brow and this seems to baffle him even more.

I look out into the congregation and see that the church is completely packed. Shit there are at least 400 hundred noisy people here. How the fuck did they all find out? About 200 alone are my youth and I feel slightly guilty doing this during their service. Half of them do not go here on a regular basis so they have no idea of the rumors. I really pay attention to my young group, half of them look confused and are whispering to each other; I can only imagine what they are saying.

My eyes wander towards Ruby and she seems calmer. I am relieved to see Justin and Daphne sitting next to her. Justin smiles at me and my heart melts, I have no doubts about what I am doing now. Finally I let my eyes fall upon my mother who I noticed first thing when I sat down. She is sitting in the front row of course like a good little church girl. My sister is sitting on one side with her two spawns from hell and my cousin Russell is sitting on her other side. I feel my anger growing inside me as I look into his wicked eyes.

There was a time when I looked up to him, so desperately wanting his approval. I believe it had to do with my mother treating him more like a son than myself. Taking in his appearance now I am at a loss for words as to how people can be so accepting of him and cause me so much grief. Russell is a very proud White Supremacist. The longer I watch him I can see how the darkness engulfs his spirit.

The music finally ends and I feel a cold lump forming in my throat. I watch as Jacob says a few words. I was unable to concentrate on what he had to say but I was thankful he did not inform the congregation of my departure. I will do that when the time is right. I hear him call my name and everything around me seems to go in slow motion as I stand and shake his hand then continue to the pulpit. Laying down my notebook and Bible I clear my throat as I grasp the sides of the wooden pulpit for balance and security. I look into Justin's eyes as he nods his head to me and smiles. I feel my body relaxing with the gesture.

"Good evening everyone, I would like to thank you for joining our youth service under such short notice." I look over to Ruby and nod; she stands and walks to the front, "This evening our service will be geared more toward the adults. I would like to excuse the children to their classroom. Ruby has kindly offered her time to help us out this evening." She smiles at me widely then winks. She looks so lovely in her maroon renaissance gown. I have always admired her boldness and hope some of it will come to me tonight as I pull from her strength.

About 15 kids run forward happy as can be to get out of the church and I don't blame them. I to would like to be heading out with Ruby too. "Thank you Ruby."

She winks again then waves; "Tootles."

"I would first off like to apologize to the youth for this inconvenience tonight. There are some pressing matters that need to be discussed this evening but it may also benefit you as well."

Clearing my throat I open my notes and Bible then look directly at the congregation. "God hates the Sin but he loves the sinner. If God hated sin so much why did he create it? This is a question I have often asked myself. We have all sinned and fallen short of the glory of God. Not a single one of us is pure of heart or without sin, including myself. Many seem to forget this, placing church leaders up on pedestals.

Our tongues can be sharp and we need to watch every word we say because it will affect another in some way. Please turn with me in your Bibles to Psalms 34:13." The sound of hundreds of bibles flipping pages echo in my head and I have never realized what an annoyance that was until now. Maybe it is seeing everyone sitting in their pews so smug and content. "Please read along with me. I will be reading from the NIV version, 'keep your tongue from evil and your lips from speaking lies.' I look back up to seek my mother's eyes. She straightens herself to sit tall and proud. I can't help but laugh inside about how hard she tries to hide her true colors.

"We have all spoken ill or said things before we are aware of the facts. As Christians we need to be witnesses. We need to keep a pure heart, mind and tongue. Please turn with me to James 4:11 'Brothers; do not slander one another. Anyone who speaks against his brother or judges him speaks against the law and judges it. When you judge the law, you are not keeping it, but sitting in judgment on it.'"

Closing my Bible I speak in my own words; "This week I learned something very important," I hold up the Bible and shake it, "These words in this Bible are only guidelines that no one follows especially those claiming to be followers of God."

I lay down the Bible and step away from the pulpit standing in front of everyone no longer willing or able to hide behind it. "I am a man just like everyone else. Why does God love the sinner and hate the sin? Something else I have learned is that sometimes our teacher are ones that we least expect. I met a young gay man this week who had been subjected to a hate crime just because of who he is. This is what he told me. " I believe if being gay is so wrong in the eyes of God he would not have created these feeling and urges in us. He made all things in His image. It's not wrong to be gay, it is only wrong to be a homosexual in this society, we are as much a part of God as any other man. No one can take that away from us... No one!"

"He also reminded me of the fact our God is loving and merciful and loves every one. Yet I see people of my own congregation showing hate to others. Why when all our God has shown us is kindness? How does it make sense for us to turn that kindness into hatred? We have a young man in our congregation," I look directly to my cousin, "he is a proud White Supremacist who hates black people and homosexuals. I have watched him take several of the youth under his wing teaching them the ways of hate and they eat it up. Is this what we want to teach our children? How to hate? No one has confronted him except for myself but nothing has come from it, you all just turn your heads blindly. It's not because you are pure of heart and mind; it's not because you are non- judgmental of him. It is because you are just as bad as he is."

"If this young gay man I met came to our congregation I can guarantee he would not be accepted with open arms. Don't think I have not heard you all talk and make fun of others because their heritage, culture, spirituality, or sexuality is different. You sit nice and cozy in your pews thinking you are more superior than anyone else. You promote hate not love and yet you all claim not to judge. This man who is so full of anger has confessed to me and to my family of causing a hate crime. I remember well when he told us the story of two gay men kissing in front of him and how he and his friends beat them for it." I look directly at him; "you think you are so tough try walking a mile in their shoes or my own for that matter," Russell's eyes are full of anger and his face quickly turns beet red with rage as he cracks his knuckles squirming in his seat. I notice the odd looks spreading across the room; no one seems sure of what I may say next.

"I can see you are asking yourselves how I can judge him or you, but am I really judging? No, I am stating a fact. A fact that is long overdue for you to hear. I have not judged you for your actions, I have only wondered why there is so much hate among Gods people. Are we not supposed to bear witness and respect each other?" I let out a sarcastic laugh. "Speaking of respect, my own mother, a self -proclaimed godly woman; sits here every Sunday praising God saying he is just and kind. Yet she is not just or kind nor has she ever been. In fact she is the one who began the rumors you were all subjected to yesterday. My favorite one was about the harem, I would almost like that if I were actually into women."

I hear a gasp fall upon the room. "Before I continue I am giving my resignation. This is my last night as your youth minister. Mother you were right I was having sex but you also didn't have your facts straight." I walk to the other side of the podium extending my hand out to Justin he looks at me and then around the room; "This is Justin. He is the one I was with Mother. I am gay. I have always been gay, but I was scared so I hid this fact and have struggled internally with myself for years." Justin grasps my hand in his and looks at me as he smiles nervously.

"This man has shown me that it's OK to be who I am. It's OK because God loves all of us. Before any one has any time to accuse me of things I want to set you all straight. I was a virgin up until a couple nights ago. I look at my youth group; "my first experience and my mother almost walks in. I bet some of you can relate," I hear a couple giggles from the girls. "I have never touched anyone sexually until Justin and I would never harm your children. No matter what I say I know you will only believe what you want to believe. That is what the church has taught us to do. It has taught us to judge others. I learned that lesson loud and clear yesterday. Before you judge me, look into your own heart and soul, reflect on yourself. I am who I am and I am not changing for any of you again. It has taken me along time to get to this point of understanding and acceptance of my own being. You will look down upon me and call me vile but you are not the ones I am accountable to, from this point on I revoke any of your gossip and slander. Concentrate on your own rewards in heaven I should not even be a thought in your mind for what I do is not anyone's business but my own from this point on. Anything I do is between God, Justin and myself." He grips my hand tightly and we look to the back when we hear clapping and see Emmett jump up; the rest of the liberty crew applauds with him. The rest of the congregations does not seem amused as they all turn and glare.

I take a deep breath and look to Justin speaking softly; "You ready to go?" He nods his head and the relief is apparent on his features.

When I step down from the altar I feel someone grasp my arm. I turn to look into Jacob's torn and hurt eyes; "Brian my dear boy what are these lies you speak of? If this is true you need to repent of your sins, God will forgive you but you can not live like this. It's an abomination, you will..."

I laugh at him bitterly not letting him finish; "I'll what? Burn in hell for eternity?" He nods his head yes. I get close to him and I can feel the anger welling up from my soul as I spit out at him; "It is no longer my hell. It is your hell," I point to the congregation; "It's their hell," leaning into his ear I whisper harshly, "Why don't you fucking burn in it!" Pulling away I smirk at the shocked look on his face.

Justin puts a comforting hand on my arm then kisses my shoulder. I find myself leaning into his touch and feel myself letting go of our current surroundings. I forget the glaring eyes and the murmurs of disapproval. I Pull Justin in closer and plant a kiss on his lips not caring who sees us. I wrap my arm around him and we walk up the isle to exit the church.

There is an ominous silence hanging over the congregation and I can feel it coming; the wrath of my mother. Like a predator in the night her voice looms into the atmosphere; "Brian! How dare you embarrass me In front of our church? How dare you say these lies! You are not gay, I would have known. You have never ever mentioned liking men before." She points to Justin; "This man! He did this to you! It is a perversion and it is a sin."

My body is tense as I turn to her; "I embarrassed you?" I let out a mocking laugh; "how would you have known what was going on in my mind? Do you Honestly think I would of have told you I was gay?" I can feel the fire burning in my eyes as I point at her; "you are the one who should be embarrassed; you are the one that lacks any sort of control. Something does not go your way and you spread rumors. You use your manipulative skills to get what you want. Well mother this time it is not going to work because you can't have me anymore! You can't rule me, you can't manipulate me! I don't ever want to see you again!" I can feel the tears threaten to pour from my eyes but I push them back.

There's a gentle touch on my shoulder and I smell the scent of a perfume that is familiar and comforting; "Brian it's time to let it all go. You have a new family now;" I turn and see Debbie, her motherly love beaming into me. Lightly she pats my cheek and before I know it I am sitting in the car and Justin is silently driving. Everything seems so out of my hands now, I feel completely lost and alone.

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