Absolution

Chapter 13

Brian's POV

Music echoes through the building as I walk into the lobby of the church. There is a bitter taste of hypocrisy in the stale air. The slanderous tongues of the worshippers are disguised under a web of praise and worship. I look through a window into the sanctuary and I realize how fucked up my religion is. I slump into the wooden table next to the entryway as my knees weaken. Still not ready to face the congregation I let my thoughts drift to the events of this morning.

I pull my car in front of the small, quaint assisted care home my grandfather lives in. There is an unsettling feeling deep in my gut as I have doubts about telling him I'm gay. He has been through so much in the last six years. After losing my grandmother who was the love of his life we all thought he would soon follow. My mother and sister were so selfish to keep him on this earth. Grabbing at straws they encouraged my grandfather to reunite with an old friend who had lost her husband 7 years earlier.

One evening Grandfather dropped the news that he was getting re-married. Something inside me broke with despair because I hated the idea of sharing this lovely man with that woman. I could feel that something was not right with her and my intuition was eating me alive. I had no solid evidence to accuse her of anything though. She always treated me kindly but I could feel there was something deep in the depths of her being that was rotten to the core. Nothing I could say changed his mind or my family's.

Before I knew it the only loving father figure I had ever known was married and had moved across the country to California. They promised to move back after they sold her home but it never happened. They sold his home and he paid off her house making new wills that placed everything that was my grandmother's into his new wife's name.

I watched with a cross between agony and amusement as my mother and sister squirmed as I lectured them; "I told you so. She is rotten. You both speak of evil yet you can't even see it right in front of you."

Grandfather's wife, Alice, broke her hip. Claire moved in to care for her and help out grandfather. She began to notice things that seemed abnormal in their home. Alice was accusing Grandpa of cheating on her and then she would beat him in the middle of the night with her cane.

Then Mother and I got a call that Grandfather was in the hospital and both of his legs were turning black and decaying. He has had diabetes for years, but this seemed fishy too. All of our suspicions lead to Alice lacing his medication, even the doctors thought so. Unfortunately nothing was ever proven and after losing half his leg and part of his other foot we brought both of them home.

I lean my head on the steering wheel and cry in silent agony about what to do. His wife passed away about three months ago and now I have my grandfather back. We have been able to take him to church and dinner on Sundays again. This last Sunday with him being ill I am concerned again. His kidneys are failing and I know he does not have much longer in this world

I feel soft caresses on my back and I lift my head and look into Justin's eyes; "I can't do it. As much as I want to I can't tell him. He is sick and dying." I push myself back into the seat and hit the wheel with my hand; "Shit!"

Instantly Justin grabs my hand. "Brian if you don't feel like he is able to handle it because of his health then it's okay not to say anything."

I close my eyes feeling the weight of my burdens; "Justin he's going to find out. My family will say something to him."

Gently Justin caresses my face; "Well they are stupid fucks if they do. At least you can have peace of mind that you were true to yourself and cared for your grandfather's health no matter what they say."

I know Justin is right but why can't I shake this feeling? I look in to his caring blue eyes; "Justin will you still go inside with me to meet my grandfather? As much as I want to introduce you as my..."

Justin stops my words with a kiss; "I would love to meet your grandfather as your friend, but to everyone else you better introduce me as your lover," he winks playfully then tickles my side.

I let out a chuckle pulling him in close; "Thank you."

As we walk up to the care home I feel absolutely empty not holding Justin's hand. I look over to him and notice he has an odd expression on his face. It makes me feel self-conscious. Maybe he doesn't want to be here or meet my grandfather; "Justin if you don't want to."

He brushes his hand against mine; "I just miss touching you is all," he gives a goofy grin; "Also, I hope you don't mind you are just about to meet Daphne."

"What?"

He chuckles; "I didn't realize your grandfather lived in the same home that she works at. I just spotted her car."

Walking into the home we hear a loud scream coming from the direction of my grandfather's room. I find myself sprinting and then stop as I hear grandfather laughing abruptly. I peak around the door and watch in amusement as grandfather holds his belly letting out a loud laugh. His white hair glistens in the morning light peeking through the window.

A young woman sits on the floor cross-legged holding his prosthetic leg in her hand. She is laughing as well; "Oh my goodness Orville you scared the begeezus out of me!" She exclaims gleefully.

Leaning up against the doorframe I clear my throat making the woman jump and Grandpa laugh even harder.

"Brian!" He says cheerfully

I walk toward him teasing, "So you flirting with the ladies again?" He nods his head yes and I smile at him giving him a kiss on the forehead; "Hi grandpa." I look back at the young woman as I take the fake leg from her hand and help her up; "I'm Brian."

After standing she holds out her hand to shake mine; "I'm Daphne. Your grandfather here has had me in stitches all morning. He's a great guy."

"Thank You," I lean in and whisper in a soft voice; "I'm quite fond of him too." She chuckles and then blushes. I'm not sure why but I love the rise it gets from her. "I can help Grandfather finish buttoning his shirt and putting his leg on."

She looks at me questioningly; "Are you sure?"

"Yeah, not a problem," very casually I add, "when you and Justin are done gabbing send him on in here. I would like grandfather to meet my friend," I say very pointedly raising a brow.

"Justin?" Then it dawns on her what I'm saying and she smiles and winks. Turning to walk away she says over her shoulder; "It was really nice to meet you Brian. I've heard so much about you."

Turning my attention back to grandfather I kneel down to help him put his leg on; "You playing tricks on the staff again Grandpa?"

He places his hand on his chest as he laughs, showing his gapping teeth. My heart always breaks when I see his decaying teeth but he never lets it get him down. He always has a loving, fun spirit around him.

"Oh Brian you should have seen it. It was so funny, "I had my leg leaning up against the bed, next to where I was sitting and she accidentally bumped into it knocking it over." He gasped with laughter while he related the story; "She screamed," he leaned in and whispered, "I think she thought she kicked the other one off."

I shake my head laughing; "What am I going to do with you?" I pull grandpa's pants down over the leg I just replaced

"Keep me?"

I kiss his cheek as I stand, "Of course I'll keep you. So tell me how are you feeling to day?" I ask while buttoning his shirt.

My heart sinks as I see the sadness clouds his eyes; "Not good Brian, not good at all."

I nod my head in understanding; "Is there anything I can do? Do you need something for pain?"

He shakes his head no but I can see the pain in his eyes, He chokes back a tear; "I miss my Trudy. She was such a wonderful wife."

I look into his fading green eyes; "I miss her too, she was dang near a saint."

He smiles brightly; "Pretty darn close son."

Memories of my Grandmother flood my thoughts as Grandfather talks of his lost youth.

After buttoning his shirt I smooth down the crinkles on his shoulder and feel the mist in my own eyes; "There, all handsome now."

"You have always been such a good boy."

Deep in my soul I feel guilty for not telling him I'm gay. I mentally beat myself up. Am I really good? Would he think I was good if he knew my secret?

He takes both of my hands in his; "Brian I know how your mother can be. Please don't let her words get to you. You have turned out to be a fine young man."

I'm shocked by his words. Does he know the rumors? Is she that low to tell him? I can't let my emotions get in the way. I quickly swipe away a stray tear, "I love you Grandpa."

He smiles from ear to ear; "I love you too," suddenly grandpa looks past me and smiles again, "Hello young man. Can I help you?"

Turning I see Justin as he walks in the room hesitantly; "I'm sorry to interrupt. I'm a friend of Brian's."

Grandpa motions his hand for him to come over; "Come on in. I'm Grandpa, I don't mind if you call me that. All Brian's friends do." He has a genuine smile on his face.

Justin grins brightly and I realize why I have fallen so hard and fast for this young man. "Hi," he says shyly, "I'm Justin."

Justin sits down next to my grandfather and my heart swells seeing them interact. Time seems to pass swiftly as they talk and my thoughts drift in and out of reality. I just wish I could tell grandfather who Justin is to me. I wish he could know the importance of Justin in my life and how he has made me feel alive and more confident in myself. I still hesitate to say I love him. That has never been something I thought I could say to anyone in a romantic manner.

A couple hours later as we say our goodbyes Grandfather takes hold of Justin's hand gently; "it was nice to meet you young man." My heart plummets into the pit of my stomach. Does he know? Could he know? I lean over and kiss grandfather one last time on the cheek.

My memories begin to fade as I realize where I am once again. The walls of the lobby narrow around me as I stand in the entryway of the sanctuary. It seems as though all eyes are watching me. I want to shrink away from their piercing glares. As I walk down past the first couple pews the heaviness of my heart settles deeper. Suddenly a tender hand touches my arm as I pass. I turn to see the person and I feel relief. I look in to the dark Brown boyish eyes of my best friend from childhood and I feel choked up; "Mikey?"

He stands up and hugs me whispering in my ear; "You didn't think we would let you and Justin do this alone did you?" He pulls back and smiles at me patting my arm. Looking past my dear friend I see Ben, Debbie, Emmett and a smaller man sitting next to him I have not met yet.

I feel the mist forming in my eyes from their kind gesture; "Thank you for your support," I speak softly barely able to get the words out. I step away and move to the front of the church. I feel stronger knowing there are others here who understand.

When I get to the front pew I see Ruby. She is deep in thought, I lightly touch her shoulder she jumps with a start. She looks up at me and her eyes are red and swollen from the tears threatening to fall. She stands up and hugs me tight whispering in my ear; "I fucking hate these people. Give them hell." She pulls away handing me my notebook and Bible, "I hope you don't mind. I had this feeling you might forget them so I used my key and got them out of your apartment for you."

I nod my head trying to hold back my emotions; "Thank you, I don't know what I would do with out you."

She tries to smirk through her tears; "You would be so lost," she says, her words are broken, "I'm sorry Brian. I'm sorry for being so emotional. I feel like I am doing this with you. I hate to see you hurting, it makes me hurt."

I pull her into another hug kissing her on the cheek; "You're the best."

"Now get up there and sit with Jacob, he was asking me if I knew what you might say tonight."

"Shit."

I walk up the couple of steps to the front of the church and see our praise and worship leader still leading the song. I realize I had begun to tune it out. Jacob pats the chair next to him for me to sit down.

When I get settled he turns to me immediately; "My dear boy you look like a wreck. I'm sure this is all just a misunderstanding. You'll nip it in the bud."

I look at him and laugh sardonically; "Really? That's all this is Jacob, a misunderstanding?"

He nods his head; "I think so."

"Oh it's beyond a misunderstanding. That's why I called everyone here tonight,"

I can see the insecurity in is eyes; "Brian what exactly are you going to say tonight?"

I bite my tongue from telling the whole truth. I look into his eyes pointedly; "I am resigning tonight."

The look of surprise and horror penetrates through Jacob's being and I have to laugh.

"Brian, you're a wonderful asset to this church. I am sorry they wronged you, but you can't just run away because they made up some lies."

My words are sharp and dripping with sarcasm; "Would you like to buy a clue for 100 Jacob?"

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