Absolution

Chapter 1

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Brian's POV

As my mother and I eat our Sunday lunch I notice the sadness and desperation in her eyes. She clings to me with every breath she takes. I feel so suffocated by her neediness and the blanket of guilt that still covers me from my parent's divorce. I can see the blame she lays upon me for that. It is so strong in her eyes and body language sometimes it almost feels like a physical blow.

I was only four but I remember the pain and abuse of my father's fits of fury. I remember running inside the house from playing, seeing my mother and father fighting. I would desperately get in the middle, trying to stop it. The tears I cried as my father tossed me aside, then made me watch as he threw my mother against the wall. The hole still remains today, hidden under tiles of mirrors; always a reflection to remind us of our hell.

Our family eventually found comfort in our local Nazarene church. We spent every Sunday, Wednesday and all special occasions amongst our new church family. As I grew older my religion became a drug to me, finally I needed something stronger.

I started attending the stricter Assembly of God to drown out the evil thoughts from my mind. The desires I had always been taught are the fruits of the devil.

My senior year of high school was the most challenging time of my life. The lust and need I felt for the touch of other men was almost unbearable. The idea of a woman touching me in that manor made me physically ill. I came so close to talking to my pastor, but the fear of being labeled as evil was too great.

I have spent half my life feeling different and out of sync with society. I ultimately buried myself deeper into my faith, finding peace in reading the Bible I took to school every day.

After high school I went to seminary school and became a Minster. I want so much for God to know my love for him, yet I am still in fear of eternal damnation for the sin I know I cannot hide.

The idea of marriage is even more frightening to me. I see what marriage did to my parents and have a real fear of letting someone get so close to me. I don't want marriage and I have no desire for a woman but I know it is expected of me from my mother and the church.

Of course I desire sex like any normal man, and marriage is the only way to fulfill those desires in God's eyes. I know that my real sexual appetite can never be explored, the Bible is very clear on the abomination of man lying with another man.

So I hide myself in the confines of my collar and continue to teach God's will. Becoming a youth minister has helped me through. I adore my youth; their innocence makes me smile and feel alive. Sometimes I feel I am living my life through their adventures. I'm only 23 and I could certainly have my own, but I tend to live in the shadows, afraid to breathe or be taken off guard by any unfruitful feelings.

After hours of watching TV with my Mother I kiss her on the forehead and tell her I will see her at church this evening. I need time to think; it gets so tiring every Sunday going forward in church praying and crying at the alter for my sinful thoughts. I've done nothing wrong but I still feel the guilt that is such a burden in my heart.

Stepping outside the sun is so bright and warm that I decide to stroll through the park on my way home. The light breeze feels calming on my face and I hear the sound of a violin being played. It's rather relaxing so I decide to sit on a bench and read for a bit.

As I'm sitting down I take notice of a young man sitting on the bench across from me. He appears to be sketching the violinist. His expression is very intense then suddenly he looks up at me and smiles with a wide grin that is like a bright beam of light. I feel myself answering with a smile of my own, realizing it's the first genuine smile I have let through my barriers in a long time. I suddenly become embarrassed at the realization that I am blushing. As the warmth spreads upon my cheeks I have to look away. There's a catch in my throat and my heart begins to race. I quickly open my Bible and begin to read as I try to drown away the wicked thoughts that are beginning to creep into my brain.

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Justin's POV

I look up from my sketchpad seeing the most beautiful man I have ever laid eyes on. I can tell he is tall and thin with beautiful chestnut hair that wisps over his forehead. He looks to be in his 20's, but there is an aura of innocence about him that shocks me. I can also see a deep sadness in his eyes and I have to wonder what his story could possibly be.

I look to Ethan playing his violin. He's still lovely to me but the fire has begun to fade and I feel restless in our relationship.

I'm still watching Ethan intensely when I sense another set of eyes on me, looking over I see the tall man watching me. Giving him a bright smile I am touched to see a blush color his cheeks. His smile has a uniqueness of its very own that sends a tingling sensation through me as I feel the electricity between our stolen glance.

Every part of me longs to speak with him and even touch him. Seizing the urge I walk towards him; he appears so beautiful and serene and as I get closer I am thrown a bit off when I see he is reading The Bible. I'm a little confused now by the connection I felt with him earlier.

I put my hand on his shoulder to get his attention and wonder if that truly was a spark that just flew between us. Just touching him makes me feel so alive. He looks up at me startled, I can see in his eyes that we are sharing the same emotion. I move my hand swiftly not wanting to cause any discomfort. As he looks up at me my heart skips a beat when I see how his beautiful hazel eyes are haunted and full of turmoil.

I stumble on my words and try to think of what to say. He gives me a smirk and I know I have to think fast, "Could you tell me the time?" I finally come up with something.

He looks down and points at my watch laughing, "by your watch it's 3:30." He chuckles again and it's a pleasant sound. "If you wanted to talk all you needed to do was say hello."

He seems so much more confident than his first impression gave me. I decide to sit down next to him "Hello." I laugh wryly then hold out my hand to him, "I'm Justin."

"Brian," He winks then shakes my hand and we both silently agree to ignore the reaction that comes of our touch; for now anyway. "I noticed you were drawing. Mind if I have a look?" He continues.

I hand him my sketchbook and he looks at it intrigued. A hint of joy dances in his eyes, "wow! You're good."

"Thanks." I blush at the complement

"I love art. I wish I could draw," he leans his head back and closes his eyes as he takes a breath speaking softly with great passion, "but if I did I wouldn't be doing what I do now" he flashes me another smile.

I'm a little intrigued, so I take the bait, "what do you do?"

"I'm a youth minister at the Assembly of God Church down the road." He smiles but I can see the conflict in his eyes

I brush my hand lightly over his Bible and my hand brushes his briefly; and there's that sensation again. He looks a bit stunned, yet fascinated and his eyes soften. "Well that would explain what the heavy reading is about," I dazzle him with another smile and wonder if he will take my bait. I look him deep in the eyes as if trying to enter the depth of his soul. "It must be a very open minded church if they allow such a good-looking gay man to be their youth minister."

He tenses up and I see a wall of protection cloud over his eyes. He looks down, talking in a hushed, sharp tone; "I'm not gay. It's wrong in the eyes of God."

I cover his hand with mine and encourage him to look up at me. I feel him shudder from my touch and I smile widely because I feel it to. He pulls his hand away, his eyes sparking with a tinge of anger, but I speak softly to him. "I believe if being gay is so wrong in the eyes of God he would not have created these feeling and urges in us. He made all things in His image. It's not wrong to be gay, it is only wrong to be a homosexual in this society, we are as much a part of God as any other man. No one can take that away from us... No one!"

He kicks his leg up to rest on his knee and leans back as he tilts his head to the side. I see such a deep sense of suffering in him as he clears his throat and asks, "Are you happy?"

I smile at him it takes every ounce of will power I have not to touch him again. I put away those thoughts and answer, "yes, I am happy. I am being true to myself, and I'm not hiding, nor do I have any shame or regrets. But it's not easy; it's never easy."

I feel a cramp in my hand as I realize I have been clenching my fist. It's an automatic reaction from the dark thoughts of my past. "Shit!" I shake my hand trying to ease the intense pain. My closed eyes open in surprise when I feel his hands gently messaging my own aching appendage.

He looks at me concerned; "you okay? I hope you don't mind. I've studied massage therapy to help my mother with her pains;" he smiles innocently then blushes again.

I can't help but return the smile; "I don't mind," I say shyly. Then I feel myself get angry as to why my hand was cramping in the first place, "It's an old injury," I begin to explain, "I was hit in the head by a homophobe with a bat. It's taken me a long time to get where I am; there was a time when I thought I would never draw again. I'm a lot better now, but I always have this wonderful reminder," I remove my injured hand from his tender grip and shake it out, "I'm sorry, I know I sound bitter and angry."

He lets out a gasp; "I'm so sorry that happened to you. You have a right to be bitter and angry. Even if someone doesn't like what you do it doesn't give them the right to harm you."

I shake my head, "Don't be sorry. Sorry is bullshit. I honestly believe he did it cause he was fighting his own homosexual feelings."

"Oh? Why do you think that?"

I feel a blush creep up my cheeks, not sure if I can say this to a pastor. I finally clear my throat and give him a sheepish grin as I shrug my shoulders. "I gave him a hand job in the equipment room at school. He seemed to like it just fine at the time and even got off saying my name," I offer Brian a nervous grin.

Brian nods letting out a light laugh; "well that description was more than I bargained for," he gave an embarrassed grin; "that still does not give him the right to have harmed you."

"I know."

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Brian's POV

Though Justin's choice of words were a bit embarrassing to me I found his honesty to be refreshing. He has no fear of being who he is; a free and proud gay man. His smile is so dazzling it sends chills through my body. I start to speak again but am disappointed when I see the violinist walk up behind Justin and plant a kiss on his neck. He pulls Justin close as if to silently tell me this is his property. The violinist has a shade of arrogance to him and I wonder for a moment what Justin sees in him, then I hear his tender words; "are you OK babe?" As he rubs Justin hand.

Justin nods his head as he turns and kisses the young man briefly on the lips. As he turns back to face me I note that the action seems more routine than passionate. I stand up smiling at the two, surprised at how comfortable I feel being around them, when I know their pairing goes against everything I was raised to believe.

I offer them a smile; "it was nice to meet you Justin. You are both more than welcome to come to church or to our college group. We meet on Wednesdays at 6pm." I know inviting him to my church where I can see him again is a dangerous thing to do. What am I thinking? I realize for the first time I'm acting on instinct and not thinking.

I am pulled from my thoughts as the two boys offer their good-byes and go on their way.

I feel a depressing mixture of pain and sadness in my heart as I make my way to the church. Thankfully it's empty this time of day. Walking down to the front I slide into a pew and rest my head on the pew-back in front of me. I feel so heavy with burden and my heart feels like it's breaking leaving an aching void inside me. My body begins to shake as the tears overtake me.

I'm not sure how long I pray and I end up rocking back and forth as I mutter Jesus’ name over and over. I'm not even aware of what I'm doing; my mind has drifted to another place.

I feel pressure on my shoulder and I realize there is an arm around me holding me tight. I'm not used to this; letting someone see me break down. I sigh deeply and let myself enjoy the comfort of the soft, light touches that circle my back. Suddenly I feel a jolt of passionate energy run through my body. I have only felt this sensation one other time; in the park today when I touched Justin.

I'm stunned as I wonder why is he here. Part of me wants him to stay so I can remain in the comfort of his arms and the other part wants him to go away and take my conflicting emotions with him. As I remain where I am the trembling in my body lessons and I feel a feeling of peace grow inside me. Can these feelings really be okay as he claimed earlier? I clear my throat to speak, then I feel him start to stand.

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Justin POV

I see pain in Brian's eyes as he invites us to church, there are a lot of emotions hiding in those hazel orbs. As he leaves I can see the conflict and pain in his body language. For some reason I feel a compelling need to follow him; to help him.

Ethan seems to buy the lame excuse I make up about not feeling well and going home to lay down. As I trail behind the young Pastor I know I should let him be, but there is a sense of urgency inside me to be with this man. He walks inside the church and I stand outside for about 15 minutes pacing, wondering what the fuck I am doing here. Why the hell do I care so much?

I finally gather my courage and enter the foyer of the church. I lose my nerve and turn to leave when I donut immediately see him. I am halted by an agonizing cry coming from the sanctuary. It is followed by muffled whimpering. My heart sinks into my stomach as I enter the sacred place and see a lone figure bowed over in one of the first pews. What has this man gone through? I'm afraid to approach him because I can tell he is not one to let himself be emotional in front of others.

I feel myself ache for him knowing what it's like to hide and be ashamed. I take a seat next to him and wrap him in a tight embrace just letting him release his torment. He does not seem to comprehend anyone is with him as he begins babbling nonsense words that I don't understand. I stare in awe and wonder if this is the 'speaking in tongues' I have heard about. He stops the nonsense words and just repeats the name Jesus over and over again.

I have never met someone so strong in his faith and yet so sad and traumatized by it. I've seen hypocrites; many of them, but he seems so sound in who he thinks the church wants him to be.

I feel his body jerk then relax in my arms. I realize I have no place here and I gently pull away from him and stand to walk away. I watch as he wipes his tears away taking a few deep breaths. He has not even looked at me yet he says quietly, "Justin what are you doing here?"

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